CONCLUSION

On Magic Wands, Being Human, Reconnection, and Change: Four Messages of Hope

We’ve emphasized throughout this book that No-Drama Discipline allows for a much calmer and more loving disciplinary interaction. We’ve also said that a No-Drama, Whole-Brain approach not only is better for your children, their future, and your relationship with them, but actually makes discipline more effective and your life easier as well, since it increases the cooperation you’ll receive from your kids.

Still, even with the best ambitions and the most intentional methods, sometimes everyone walks away from a disciplinary interaction feeling angry, confused, and frustrated. In our closing pages, we want to offer four messages of hope and solace for those difficult moments we all inevitably face at one time or another as we discipline our children.

First Message of Hope: There Is No Magic Wand

One day Tina’s seven-year-old became furious with her because she told him it wouldn’t work that day to invite a friend over to play. He stormed off to his room and slammed the door. Less than a minute later, she heard the door open, then slam again.

Here’s how Tina tells the story.

I went to check on my son, and taped to the outside of his door, I saw this picture.

(You can see from the drawing below that he regularly uses his artistic talents to communicate his feelings about his parents.)

I went into his room and saw what I knew I’d see: a child-size lump under the covers on his bed. I sat next to the lump and put my hand on what I assumed was a shoulder, and suddenly the lump moved away from me, toward the wall. From beneath the covers, my son cried out, “Get away from me!”

At times like this I can become childish and drop down to my child’s level. I’ve even been known to say things like, “Fine! If you won’t let me cut that toenail that’s hurting, you can stay in pain all week!”

But this particular day, I maintained control and handled myself pretty well, trying to address the situation from a Whole-Brain perspective. I first tried to connect by acknowledging his feelings: “I know it makes you mad that Ryan can’t come over today.”

His response? “Yes, and I hate you!”

I stayed calm and said, “Sweetie, I know this is upsetting, but there’s just not time to have Ryan over today. We’re meeting your grandparents for dinner in a little while.”

In response, he curled tighter and moved as far away from me as possible. “I said get away from me!”

I went through a series of strategies, the ones we’ve been discussing in the previous chapters. I comforted, using nonverbal connection. I tried to relate to his changing, changeable, complex brain. I chased the why and thought about the how of my communication. I validated his feelings. I tried to engage in a collaborative dialogue and reframed my no, offering a playdate the next day. But at that moment, he couldn’t calm down and wasn’t ready to let me help him in any way. No amount of connection did the trick.

Moments like these highlight a reality that’s important for parents to understand: sometimes there’s just nothing we can do to “fix” things when our kids are having a hard time. We can work to stay calm and loving. We can be fully present. We can access the full measure of our creativity. And still, we may not be able to make things better right away. Sometimes all we have to offer is our presence as our children move through the emotions. When kids clearly communicate that they want to be alone, we can respect what they feel they need in order to calm down.

This doesn’t mean we’d leave a child crying alone in his room for long periods of time. And it doesn’t mean we don’t keep trying different strategies when our child needs our help. In Tina’s case, she ended up sending her husband into her son’s room, and the change of dynamic helped him begin to calm some, so that later he and his mom could come back together and talk about what happened. But for a few minutes, all Tina could do was say, “I’m here if you need me,” then leave him in his room for a few minutes, shut the door with the anti-Mom sign on it, and let him ride it out the way he needed to, on his own timing and in his own way.

The same goes for sibling conflict. The ideal is to help each sibling return to a good state of mind, then work with them, individually or together, and teach them good relational and conversation skills. But there are times this just isn’t possible. If even just one of them is emotionally dysregulated, it can prevent anything like a peaceful resolution, since reactivity is trumping receptivity. Sometimes the best you can do is separate them until you can all come together again once everyone has calmed down. And if cruel fate decrees that you’re all trapped in the minivan when the conflict erupts, you may just need to explicitly acknowledge that things are not going well and turn up the music. In doing so, you’re not surrendering. You’re just acknowledging that at this moment, effective discipline isn’t going to happen. In cases like this, you can say, “This isn’t a good time for us to talk this through. You’re both mad, and I’m mad, so let’s just listen to some Fleetwood Mac.” (OK, maybe that’s not the best choice in music to win your kids over, but you get the idea.)

We, Dan and Tina, are both trained child and adolescent psychotherapists who write books about parenting. People come to us for advice on how to handle problems when their kids are struggling. And we want to make it clear that for us, like you, there are times when there just isn’t a magic wand we can wave to magically transport our kids to peace and happiness. Sometimes the best we can do is to communicate our love, be available when they do want us close, and then talk about the situation when they’re ready. It’s just like the Serenity Prayer says: “May I have the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

So that’s our first message as we conclude the book: sometimes there’s no magic wand. And it doesn’t make you a bad parent if you do your best, and your child stays upset.

Second Message of Hope: Your Kids Benefit Even When You Mess Up

Just as it doesn’t make you a bad parent if your discipline techniques aren’t always effective in the moment, you’re also not a bad parent if you make mistakes on a regular basis. What you are is human.

The fact is that none of us are perfect, especially when it comes time to deal with our kids’ behavior. Sometimes we handle ourselves well and feel proud of how loving, understanding, and patient we remain. At other times, we lower ourselves to our kids’ level and resort to the childishness that upset us in the first place.

Our second message of hope is that when you respond to your kids from a less-than-optimal place, you can take heart: most likely you’re still providing them with all kinds of valuable experiences.

For example, have you ever found yourself so frustrated with your kids that you call out, a good bit louder than you need to, “That’s it! The next one who complains about where they’re sitting in the car can walk!” Or maybe, when your eight-year-old pouts and complains all the way to school because you made her practice the piano, you deliver these sarcastic and biting words as she departs the minivan: “I hope you have a great day, now that you’ve ruined the whole morning.”

Obviously, these aren’t examples of optimal parenting. And if you’re like us, you can be hard on yourself for the times you don’t handle things like you wish you had.

So here’s hope: those not-so-great parenting moments are not necessarily such bad things for our kids to have to go through. In fact, they’re actually incredibly valuable.

Why? Because our messy, human, parental responses give kids opportunities to deal with difficult situations and therefore develop new skills. They have to learn to control themselves even though their parent isn’t doing such a great job of controlling herself. Then they get to see you model how to apologize and make things right. They experience that when there is conflict and argument, there can be repair, and things become good again. This helps them feel safe and not so afraid in future relationships; they learn to trust, and even expect, that calm and connection will follow conflict. Plus, they learn that their actions affect other people’s emotions and behavior. Finally, they see that you’re not perfect, so they won’t expect themselves to be, either. That’s a lot of important lessons to learn from one parent’s loud, impulsive declaration that he’s sending back all the presents because his kids complained about having to help put up the holiday decorations.

Abuse, of course, is different, whether physical or psychological. Or if you’re significantly harming the relationship or scaring your child, then the experience can result in substantially harmful effects. These are toxic ruptures, and ruptures without repair. If you find yourself in that situation repeatedly, you should seek the help of a professional right away in order to make whatever changes are necessary so that your children are safe and know that they are protected.

But as long as you nurture the relationship and repair with your child afterward (more about that below), then you can cut yourself some slack and know that even though you might wish you’d done things differently, you’ve still given your child a valuable experience, by learning the importance of repair and reconnection.

We hope it’s obvious that we’re not saying that parents should intentionally rupture a connection or that we shouldn’t aim for the best when we respond to our kids in a high-stress situation (or any other time). The more loving and nurturing we can be, the better. Those non-ideal moments of non-optimal interactions will happen to all of us, even those of us who write books on this subject. We’re just saying that we can offer grace and forgiveness to ourselves when we’re not acting as we’d like to, because even those situations provide moments of value as well. Having a goal, an intention in mind, is important. And being kind to ourselves, having self-compassion, is essential not only to create an internal sanctuary, but also to offer our children a role model for being kind to themselves as well as to others. These experiences with us give our kids opportunities to learn important lessons that will prepare them for future conflict and relationships, and even teach them how to love. How’s that for hope?

Third Message of Hope: You Can Always Reconnect

There’s no way we can avoid experiencing conflict with our kids. It’s going to happen, sometimes multiple times per day. Misunderstandings, arguments, conflicting desires, and other breakdowns in communication will lead to a rupture in the relationship. Ruptures can result from conflict around a limit that you’re setting. Maybe you decide to enforce a bedtime or keep your child from seeing a movie you’ve decided isn’t good for him. Or maybe your daughter thinks you’re taking her sister’s side in an argument, or she gets frustrated that you won’t play another game of Chutes and Ladders.

Whatever the reason, ruptures occur. Sometimes they are bigger, sometimes smaller. But there’s no way to avoid them. Each child presents a unique challenge to maintaining attuned connection, one that depends on our own issues, on our child’s temperament, on the match between our history and our child’s characteristics, and on whom our child may remind us of in our own un-worked-through past.

In most of our adult relationships, if we mess up, we eventually own up to it, or address it in some way, and then make amends. But many parents, when it comes to their relationship with their child, just ignore the rupture and never address it. This can be confusing and hurtful for children, just like it can be for adults. Can you imagine someone you care about being reactive and talking to you really rudely, then never bringing it up again and just pretending it never happened? That wouldn’t feel great, would it? It’s the same for our kids.

What’s key, then, is that you repair any breach in the relationship as quickly as possible. You want to restore a collaborative, nurturing connection with your child. Ruptures without repair leave both parent and child feeling disconnected. And if that disconnection is prolonged—and especially if it’s associated with your anger, hostility, or rage—then toxic shame and humiliation can grow in the child, damaging her emerging sense of self and her state of mind about how relationships work. It’s therefore vital that we make a timely reconnection with our kids after there’s been a rupture.

It’s our responsibility as parents to do this. Maybe we reconnect by granting forgiveness, or by asking for it (“I’m sorry. I think I was just reacting because I’m extra tired today. But I know I didn’t handle myself very well. I’ll listen if you want to talk about what that was like for you”). Maybe laughter’s involved, maybe tears (“Well, that didn’t go very well, did it? Anyone care to play back for me how crazy I was?”). Maybe there’s just a quick acknowledgment (“I didn’t handle that how I would have liked. Will you forgive me?”). However it happens, make it happen. By repairing and reconnecting as soon as we can, and in a sincere and loving manner, we reconnect and send the message that the relationship matters more than whatever caused the conflict. Plus, in reconnecting with our kids, we model for them a crucial skill that will allow them to enjoy much more meaningful relationships as they grow up.

So that’s the third message of hope: we can always reconnect. Even though there’s no magic wand, our kids will eventually soften and calm down. They’ll eventually be ready to sense our positive intentions and receive our love and comfort. When they do, we reconnect. And even though we’re going to mess up as parents over and over again because we are human, we can always go to our kids and repair the breach.

In the end, then, it all comes back to connection. Yes, we want to redirect. We want to teach. Our children need us to help them learn how to focus their desires in positive ways; how to recognize and deal with limits and boundaries; how to discover what it means to be human and to be moral, ethical, empathic, kind, and giving. So yes, redirection is crucial. But ultimately, it’s your relationship with your child that must always stay at the forefront of your mind. Put any particular behavior on the back burner, and keep your relationship with your child always on the front burner. Once that relationship has been ruptured in any way, reconnect as soon as possible.

Fourth Message of Hope: It’s Never Too Late to Make a Positive Change

Our final message for you is the most hopeful of all: it’s never too late to make a positive change. Having read this book, you may now feel that your discipline approach up to this point has at least partially run counter to what’s best for your children. Perhaps you feel that you’re undermining your relationship with them by the way you discipline. Or maybe you realize that you’re overlooking and missing out on opportunities to build the parts of their brains that will help them achieve optimal growth. You might now see that you’re using disciplinary strategies that are simply not effective, are just contributing to more drama and frustration in your family, and are actually keeping you from enjoying your kids because you end up having to deal with the same behaviors over and over.

If any of that’s the case, have hope. It’s not too late. Neuroplasticity, as we’ve said, shows us that the brain is amazingly changeable and adaptive across a lifetime. You can change the way you discipline at any age—yours or your child’s. No-Drama Discipline shows you how. Not by offering a formula to follow. Not by providing a magic wand that will solve every problem and make you a parent who never misses the mark. The hope comes in that you now have principles that can guide you toward disciplining your children in ways you can feel good about. You now have access to strategies that actually sculpt the brain in positive ways, allow your kids to be emotionally intelligent and make good choices, strengthen your relationship with them, and help them become the kind of people you want them to be.

When you respond to your kids with connection—even and especially when they do something that frustrates you—you put your primary focus not on punishment or obedience, but on honoring both your child and the relationship. So the next time your toddler throws a tantrum, your second grader punches his sister, or your middle schooler talks back, you can choose to respond in a No-Drama, Whole-Brain fashion. You can begin with connection, then move on to redirection strategies that teach kids personal insight, relational empathy, and the importance of taking responsibility for the times they mess up.

Along the way, you can be more intentional about how you activate certain circuits of your kids’ brains. Neurons that fire together wire together. The circuitry that is repeatedly activated will be strengthened and further developed. So the question is, which part of your kids’ brains do you want to strengthen? Discipline with harshness, shouting, arguments, punishment, and rigidity, and you’ll activate the downstairs, reactive part of your child’s brain, strengthening that circuitry and priming it to be easily activated. Or discipline with calm, loving connection, and you’ll activate the reflective, receptive, regulating mindsight circuitry, strengthening and developing the upstairs section of the brain to create insight, empathy, integration, and repair. Right now, in this moment, you can commit to giving your children these valuable tools. You can help them develop this increased capacity to regulate themselves, to make good choices, and to handle themselves well—even in challenging times, and even when you’re not around.

You’re not going to be perfect, and you’re not going to discipline from a No-Drama, Whole-Brain perspective every time you get the chance. Neither do we. Nobody does.

But you can decide that you’ll take steps in that direction. And every step you take, you’ll give your kids the gift of a parent who is increasingly committed to their lifelong success and happiness, and to making them happy, healthy, and fully themselves.