Chapter 6
Probe, Probe, Probe

The Other Side Is Trying to Tell You How to Make the Deal

In addition to the knowledge gathered so that you are prepared, you need to dig for information behind the other side's position. Determine their real interests or needs. That's what probing is all about. Too many people succumb to the temptation to jump to their bottom-line stance—to make proposals—immediately, without taking full advantage of what they could learn about what drives the other side. The more you know about the other side's position—their motivations and expectations, their wish-list and must-list, soft spots and desperate needs, personal aspirations and psychic rewards, stated goals as well as real interests—the better equipped you are to negotiate.

If you ask the right questions and listen intently, the other side may give you the input you need to make the deal you want.

Really? Then how come more negotiators don't know how to make the WIN–win deal they want? Because they don't ask questions (fearing it shows weakness or stupidity) and even when they do, they don't really listen (thinking they know the answers already).

How Well Do You Probe When You Negotiate?
When I negotiate, I… Circle One
  • Spend more time listening than talking.
 Always Sometimes Never
  • Check assumptions made in preparation.
 Always Sometimes Never
  • Ask “why” to learn the other side's interests.
 Always Sometimes Never
  • Use “hypotheticals” to gain information.
 Always Sometimes Never
  • Answer questions with questions.
 Always Sometimes Never
  • Ask the other side to restate a point if it is not clear.
 Always Sometimes Never
  • Take notes, review at end of conversation.
 Always Sometimes Never
  • Tally up issues before going on.
 Always Sometimes Never

If five or more of your answers were “Always,” you have good probing habits and this chapter will hone them further. (If all of your answers were “Always,” c'mon!)

If four or more of your answers were “Sometimes” or “Never,” this chapter will immediately improve your next negotiation.

If three or more of your answers were “Never,” read this chapter as fast as possible!

Here is one of the great historic examples proving the value of probing, of getting beyond stated positions, of listening and discovering the real interests of each side.

But that's international relations. We know that political leaders have to contend with war and peace and the weight of history. But what about regular people who just want a pay raise to compensate for high quality labor? Like welders, teachers, or tuba players: Their needs and drives aren't mysterious or unknown; they're obvious. Nobody has to probe deeply to find out what their real interests are, right? Well, let's take those tuba players, for instance.

The need to be understood is universal. If you take the time and make the effort to understand the person you're facing in negotiation—if you really probe—you'll be able to shape a deal that addresses their interests and yours. That's how you build relationships. (By the way, probing works in personal relationships as much or more than business.) Relationships lead to good deals. Good deals echo—they lead to more deals. It's not conjecture, it's history, proven over and over.

Probing to understand the other party is your goal. But how do you do it? How do you get to the answers you want? The best way to get answers is with a question.

W.H.A.T.? The Probing Technique

W.H.A.T. is a question to remind you to probe and it's an acronym for how to probe.

  • W represents a collection of key Ws: What, What else, Which, and Why. First statements in negotiations tend to be positions. The other side says, “We must own 50 percent of the new company.” That's a position. What you want to discover are their interests. But positions are easier to state. When the other person makes a statement contrary to your interests, your tendency is probably to defend and argue. “No way. No deal. We're the majority or there's no deal.”

    Their demand to “own 50 percent of the new company” may be their position, but what interests does it camouflage? What is really important to them? Dig to find out. Is it that they feel entitled to half of the profits? That may be easier to live with than having them own half the stock in the event of a possible sale.

    Keep going. Find out What else is important. Maybe they aren't comfortable unless they have an equal say in all decision making. Again, that may be easier to swallow than splitting profits, or equal stock ownership, particularly if your investment, industry performance, or both are stronger. Get behind the position to the substance.

    Then, determine Which is the most important interest to them. Not all of their wishes will be of the same value to them. Nor will they be to you. Perhaps, to them, sharing decision making is more important than sharing profits. That may or may not be acceptable to you, but first you want to know where they stand. If you don't uncover priorities, you may do battle over secondary issues.

    And always, always probe to find out Why an interest is important to them. Why do they feel that way? Is it because of a past deal gone bad? Is it a worry that doesn't apply in this deal? Is it an issue that can be satisfied another way? Must all decision making be equal or just major events such as a merger or sale?

    We preach using a systematic approach in all aspects of your negotiations. The following four-question sequence is a simple systematic way to get the information you need:

    • What is important?
    • What else is important?
    • Which is most important?
    • Why is that so important?

    It is important, however, that you not ask the same questions in the same way every time. You can use slight variations to obtain the same information throughout a negotiation. For instance, when you find out they are interested in a low price, keep asking questions. “Is there anything besides price you think is important?” (What else is important?) You might find out that the quality of goods and services after the sale are important. Or you may find they want fast delivery. Then, follow up with a summary. “Just so I can make sure I have it straight, of the factors you've mentioned: Price, quality, service, or delivery date—what is your order of priority?” (Which is most important?) You may discover that fast delivery is equally important to price, and you can then ask, “What makes that such a high priority?” (Why is that important?) Although you should be systematic, you should not become robotic. You goal is to gain information. By using this four-question sequence or variations of it, you will be on your way to gaining the information you need in all of your negotiations.

  • H stands for Hypothesize. Good negotiators are cautious about disclosing information. You ask a direct question. But they decline or sidestep. A nonthreatening method to encourage the flow of information or to break a deadlock is to get hypothetical. Let's pretend…Just suppose…What if?… Now you can discuss topics that were previously off limits. This conversation doesn't create an absolute condition or obligation from either party, but rather advances a hypothetical solution—one that might or might not work—strictly for consideration.

    For instance, we conducted a mediation for a statewide association of CPAs. One chapter had become so alienated from the parent organization, because of what they called “philosophical differences,” the chapter threatened to pull out and form an independent body. That would have weakened the statewide association, created a vocal splinter group, and fomented bad feelings within the profession. After exploring the nature of the philosophical dispute, it became apparent that the greatest offense to the chapter had been in style rather than substance. The president of the state body had expressed his opinion in a manner deemed offensive by the chapter. So, hypothetically, we asked the head of the chapter, what if the president of the state body apologized for the way he had expressed himself? We had no authority to promise he'd apologize; we could only offer up the possibility. The chapter members were skeptical of the president's willingness to do so, but said, “If he would, we would agree to sit down and talk out our philosophical differences.”

    We took the same what if to the statewide president. “What if, rather than retract your stance on business philosophy, you revised the way you stated your disagreement and apologized for any unintended offense?”

    “Hmm,” he considered the possibility and said, “If the chapter would agree, he would agree.” The hypothetical led to the real. The chapter and the state body met, talked out their differences, and remained a united body.

    You can even hypothesize about something as seemingly finite as budget. Have you ever had someone say, “Well, it's not in the budget”?

    Rather than argue why it should be in the budget, respond by saying, “But if it were in the budget, would you be okay with the project?” From this you can gain information—if they say yes, then (fill in blank); if they say no, then (fill in the blank).

    Modifications lead to conversations. And when you're talking, you're not in a deadlock; you're negotiating.

  • A stands for Answer. (Answer questions with questions.) The other side asks you a question to gain facts, to get background, to compare with what they know of the market, to test the water. If you just respond, you have no idea what other information they have, how your new input may compare, favorably or not, with industry data, whether you will look smart, gullible, cheap, expensive, or reasonable.

    But since they asked a question, they have demonstrated interest. Mine the interest by asking another question that probes further into the same subject. They ask, “If your company agrees to be merged into ours, how many of your employees can be laid off to achieve economies of scale?”

    You'd like to protect as many jobs as possible so, instead of responding directly, you dig deeper, asking, “Which of our branch offices would you be keeping and which would you close?” You now have the beginning of real information gain. You can start to learn whether your company will be merged or submerged. You can learn what the other side perceives are your assets and liabilities and even overall value.

In our seminars, we often reference a scene from the television show, News Radio, which demonstrates how not to answer questions with questions, but carries the point to absurdity. The scene goes something like this:

As this scenario demonstrates, you can go too far even with a good tactic.

  • T is for Tell Me More. Sometimes people feel uncomfortable probing. They feel that they are being nosy or that the other side will feel as if they are being interrogated. One way to make the probing process seem more like a conversation is to use the phrase “tell me more” or “is there anything else?” Most people like to hear themselves talk and by inviting them to “tell me more” you will discover additional information they may have originally omitted. Additionally, “tell me more” can be used to guide the conversation in areas of your interest. For instance, if a potential employer says that they are interested in people who are willing to work hard, at a low salary, but bring prior experience to the job, you might respond by saying: “Tell me more about your desire for industry experience….” As they tell you the problems they have had in the past with people coming into the organization without the necessary skills, you can begin to gather information to justify your higher salary based on your higher level of industry experience. The beauty of using “tell me more” is that it is an unobtrusive way to gather additional information and extend the probing process. By pushing one step further, following W., H., and A. with a reprise of Tell Me More, you may learn the other side's key interest at the very end of your probing. The real lesson is, probe, probe, and probe again.

Overcoming Probe Resistance

What happens when you deal with someone who enjoys being probed by your questions as much as being poked with a stick? You ask “Why?” and they say, “Because.” You hypothesize and they say, “Get real.” What do you do then? Don't give up. Try these tools when dealing with the probe-resistant negotiator:

  • Try the Restatement technique. “Can you restate that?” It's amazing how often the restatement is different from the original. People tend to explain more each time they state their position, to give more detail, to soften, and even offer options to what seemed like a hard line. Now you can pose questions, ask for clarification and details. You're probing again.
  • Use the Show-Me-How technique. The other side may make what seems like an unreasonable or unfair demand: You must pay on delivery, not 30 days after. Instead of reverting to a reflex rejection, ask the other side, “Can you show me how that would work?” As soon as the other side walks through the process in your shoes, they have to think about the challenge. “Simple. You order merchandise and as soon as we receive your payment, we ship. You order as much as your cash-on-hand allows…which will be less than it would be if you had another 30 days to resell the merchandise to your customers…so then we'll be getting smaller orders from you than we used to…hmm, maybe there is another solution we could try.” Now you can begin exploring alternatives. Why do they have to have cash up front? How much do they have to receive before shipping? Is there a compromise between order date and ship date? Does the size of the order change the terms? You're probing again.
  • Employ the Says Who? technique. If the other side simply makes an arbitrary demand—it has to be done this way!—thereby seemingly shutting the door on further probing, try asking them “Who requires that it be done that way?” You may discover the individual behind the demand is not the one sitting opposite you at the negotiation table. It may be someone higher up, a boss, or an owner. It could be a lawyer or accountant. The person at the table is merely the messenger. All the persuasion in the world can't sway the unempowered representative. See if you can get the real demander to the table. At least then, you'll be talking to, and perhaps probing, the right party.

By now, you should have a good sense of the other side's interests. You know what means a lot to them, what means less, which issues are emotional and which are rational, which are deal-sweeteners and which are deal-breakers. You know how they view your side, what they perceive as your strengths and weaknesses, values and liabilities. Utilizing the W.H.A.T. method, you have probably probed more effectively than they have, enabling you to initiate and control the interest satisfaction process. By also honestly assessing your own real interests, you should be able to see how you can give to get. You should begin to see how you can satisfy some of their interests while satisfying most of your own interests.

The Don'ts—How Not to Probe

Here are three warnings—don'ts—to keep in mind when you go digging for information:

  1. Don't mindread. Don't assume you know what the other side is thinking and simply proceed on that premise. If you base your thoughts and proposals on your assumptions, you run a high risk of being wrong. You may assume your position is stronger than it is and make an aggressive but naive offer. You may assume your position is weaker than it is and back yourself into a bad deal.

    Let's say you're negotiating a merger between a manufacturing facility based in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, and a distribution center in Atlanta, Georgia, and a key issue is which city will be the new headquarters. You say to the third generation owner of the manufacturing plant, “Since you want to live in a cold climate….” Do you know that or just assume it? Maybe she's been dying for an excuse to move south or maybe she'd like to get away from her smothering family or perhaps her husband is from the south. Don't assume: ask. “Do you want to remain in Wisconsin?” “Where do you see the future of the company?” “Should we consider a different location altogether?”

    It is natural to make assumptions. It's even acceptable, if you don't act on those assumptions. Test them first during the probe phase. Ask questions, explore, find out if your assumption is valid, close, or off the mark.

  2. Don't offend the other side—interrogation versus interview. You are not a prosecuting attorney. The other side is not compelled to cooperate and answer you. If you interrogate, that is go after them with an aggressive attack, expect them to shut down. When they do answer you, let them. Don't interrupt before they finish. Always ask yourself how you feel when you're being interrogated or interrupted or worse, both.

    On the other hand, if you approach the probing process as an interview, there's almost no limit to what you can learn. Show an interest in their side. Soften your inquiries with lead-ins such as “So I can understand where you're coming from…” or “Let me see if I have this right…” or “Tell me more about….” When you want to answer one of their questions with one of your own, be careful not to come off as one-upping them or transparently ducking their question. Don't evade the question; embrace and explore it. “I'm glad you asked me that because it makes me think about….”

  3. Don't get off track. The other side may try to rush you through the process. They may try to skip steps. After all, they're not following the same agenda as you. Make sure you get the answers you need before you move on. Don't hesitate to slow the process down by saying, “Let's hold off on that for a moment…” or “Can we go back to something you just said?” And don't let your side (you) rush you through the process. Sometimes we get impatient with the pace and try to shortcut before we have answers. Impose the same slow-down techniques on yourself.

Listening skills are an essential piece of completing the circle of effective probing.

Listening

Shh! (That's another secret to negotiation.) People like to talk. Resist the urge. The other side is human, so they want to talk, too. Encourage them. Then listen. As many of the previous stories illustrate, the other side is often trying to tell you how to make the deal. Did you ever notice how the party opposite you may think what he or she has to say is more important than what you have to say? That's okay. Give them a chance and they'll likely tell you much of what you need to know: What they hope for, what they'll settle for, what the real pressure points are, where they can move, and where they can't. They may tell you directly or subtly. Ask questions. Listen more. Every moment you're not talking is an opportunity to learn what it takes to make the deal. The best negotiators aren't smooth talkers; they're smooth listeners.

Talk So Others Will Listen—Listen So Others Will Talk

The less you say, the more you can concentrate on what others are saying. Think about it. How much can you learn from what you say? Not much. You already know it, so by speaking, you're repeating yourself to yourself. But everything the other side says is potentially valuable. (Most negotiators spend too much time on what they're saying, or on thinking of what they're going to say next.)

Make what you do say count. The most effective things that come out of your mouth are those that shape and guide the conversation, particularly well framed questions. When you frame the issues, when you ask a good question, when you nod in agreement or feed an encouraging word that fuels the speaker to go on, you are giving the other side a path to follow. That path should lead to the key subjects of the negotiation—timing, competition, pressures, price, terms, and other interests.

Be an “active listener.” Focus your energy on what the other person is saying. Make eye contact. Take notes. (It tells the other person that what they're saying is important and it lets you write down your ideas without interrupting.) If you don't understand, say so. (It's better to ask for clarification than to structure a deal or a proposal on a misassumption.) Repeat and confirm. (“What I hear you saying is…”) Repeating makes sure you understand each other and it confirms that you're listening. And if you haven't understood, you'll get things cleared up immediately. Pose candid questions. (“What will it take to make you happy in this deal?”) Or try hypothetical questions to ease into a subject. (“If you had it in the budget, would you support this project?”) Listen between the lines to what is said and what is omitted. (You hear gross sales figures instead of profits; price is emphasized but quality is glossed over.) Listen for nuance and emotion. (The mention of delivery dates makes him or her nervous.) Listen with your eyes, not just your ears. Where is he or she looking? At you? At papers? Around the room? Respond, laugh, frown, nod. (Receiving information well begets more information.)

The less you say, the more others will remember. It's simple math. Say a lot and they're bombarded and overwhelmed. Say a little and they can retain every word. And, of course, the less you say, the more you can focus on what they say.

Listening Isn't Just Waiting to Talk

Do you think you're a good listener? Some people are, but they are the exceptions, not the rule. Most of us love to hear the sound of our own voices. We know the answers. We have the most informed opinions. We had the most interesting days. We tell the best stories. (Ask a golfer about his last round. Then prepare to hear a shot-by-shot travelogue of every hook, slice, and shank, from tee to rough to sand trap to green, each birdie, par, and bogie, each coulda, mighta, and shoulda, times 18.) The fact is, most of us aren't good listeners. We're interrupters. We just can't wait until it's our turn to speak. Conversation interruptus.

What Is Your Interruption Quotient?

How often do you let the other person completely finish a thought? If you interrupt in mid-thought, you've lost a valuable information opportunity the other side was giving you. You'll never know what you didn't hear. Do you mentally shut down instead of really paying attention? When was the last time that you simply sat and contemplated what was just said.

Do you want to really know if you're a good listener? Or a chronic interrupter? Don't ask people you work with: Ask your spouse or significant other. Ask your kids. (And don't interrupt when they answer you.)

In the very next conversation you have, make a deal with yourself to not interrupt at all. You'll be amazed at two things: (1) How hard it is and (2) How much you'll learn.

A Listening Test

Try this test and see just how good a listener you are. DON'T read the following paragraph. Have someone read it to you out loud. Twice. Listen as carefully as you can. Then take the test that follows.

“A long and extremely busy day had just come to an end at the Scoot-In-Scoot-Out Convenience Store. A shopkeeper had swept the floor and just before the door was locked, a man rushed in and demanded money. The safe was quickly opened and the owner removed the money. After the day's receipts were gathered up, the man drove off. Within minutes, the police arrived.”

How well did you listen? Did you hear “in a hurry”? How much did you hear what you wanted to hear, or hear what you thought was said? Were you influenced by a familiar scenario and did you then mentally fill in the blanks? For instance, when we hear words like “a man appeared and demanded money,” “safe,” “the man drove off,” and “police arrived,” we may assume a crime of robbery. There are, in fact, twenty or more different incidents that could account for the facts you were given. (By the way, did you take notes or did you assume/hear that because this was a listening test, you weren't allowed to do so?)

There is no trick to this test, no special way to beat it. The problem is, we tend to hear what we listen for. There's a famous old story that illustrates the point well.

The Zoologist

The modern-day version of that story was told in our office one day. Our marketing director at the time, Kelly Harris, took an aerobics class at a health club. During her workout, she would put her baby in an adjoining room that served as a nursery for club members' children. Kelly said, even when the exercise music was blasting, when the instructor was chanting a cadence, when the whole class was grunting and panting, she could hear the cry of her baby over all that noise. Not only that, but Kelly could tell her baby's cry from all the other babies' cries. She, like most of us, can hear precisely what she's listening for.

Some of the most important applications of these lessons aren't in business, they're in everyday life, relationships with close friends, and—especially—with family.

Learning to Listen

Listening is not a God-given talent. You can train yourself, by simply practicing, to be a better listener. You can learn to tune in the important and tune out the extraneous:

  • First, think how it feels when you're not being listened to. You feel ignored, unimportant. Instead of liking the other person, you think he or she is rude or self-interested. Conversely, people who feel they're being heard are easier to deal with.
  • Look for signs of not listening in others and in yourself. Wandering eyes, distractions, side conversations, boredom, interruptions, doing two things at once. Practice concentrating. Work at listening. Make the person and subject at hand the most important focus in your mind. Above all, make consistent eye contact.
  • Don't talk. Just make a promise to yourself to not say a word for 30 seconds. Or a minute. It doesn't sound like long until you try it.
  • Don't react, listen. As soon as the other person says something, you'll want to say something back. An answer. A comeback. A correction. Wait. Take brief notes. Resist even formulating your response until the other person is finished. Then think back. Most times, what you would have said a moment ago isn't what you will say now that you've absorbed the whole thought.
  • Eliminate distractions. Close your office door. Silence your smartphone. Forward your phone calls. Or, when you're on the phone, cover up the distractions on your desk such as mail and your computer screen.
  • Ask questions that lead the other person to talk more, not less. For example, “Can you explain what you mean by this…?” You'll frequently gain information.
  • Let listening be an end in itself. Sometimes, simply hearing the other side's issues may not only enable you to find a solution, it may be the solution. People want to be heard. “The pipes in the building are leaking.” “The interest rate is high.” “Goods are late.” “The boss is mad.” “There's time pressure.” A surprising number of disputes disappear once they're aired.
  • Never stop listening. Everything you hear is information. All output is input.

By employing these techniques, you can create a better listening environment, one that is focused and free of distraction, much like a church confessional. There is a scene in the movie Moonstruck that memorably illustrates how the setting of a confessional, while subdued and almost hushed, actually enables the listener (priest) to hear through the distractions, that is, attempts by the speaker (confessor) to gloss over, or minimize, the real issue (sin). As the scene opens, Loretta enters the confessional, genuflects, and, routinely recites the familiar lead-in to what would seem to be familiar transgressions, “Forgive me father for I have sinned…” Then, again as routinely possible, she rattles off her sins—taking the name of the Lord in vain two times, once sleeping with her fiance's brother, once bouncing a check…due to a math error. The priest seems unfazed, as if these are, in fact, familiar, even modest issues, immediately forgiving the check error. But just when she thinks she pulled one over on him, he asks her about “that ‘other thing’…” Sheepishly, she asks if he means the one about sleeping with her fiance's brother. Yes, he says, that's a pretty big one. Rather than the hushed tones of confession hiding her real sin, the quiet allows him to hear it, loud and clear, even sandwiched between two minor infractions.

Take a lesson from professional listeners—people like psychiatrists, counselors, and priests. Create your own confessional—a distraction-free environment—when you listen.

You're prepared. You've probed. And if you don't need more preparation or probing, you're ready to propose and negotiate. Not quite. Actually, you're ready to get ready to propose. Then, you'll be ready to negotiate.

Refresher

Chapter 6: Probe, Probe, Probe

WHAT: The Probing Technique

  1. W. What is important? What else is important? Which is most important? Why? When the other side takes a position, don't counter, ask “why?”
  2. H. Hypothesize. This nonthreatening approach is to pose “what if…?” ideas.
  3. A. Answer questions with questions. The best answers may be questions. They could lead to more answers.
  4. T. Tell me more. Take inventory on what you know. If you need more, go back and probe.

Overcome Probe Resistance

  1. Restatement. “Could you give me that again?”
  2. Show Me How. “How do you see that working?”
  3. Says Who? “Who requires that it be done that way?”

If you ask the right questions and listen intently, they will give you the input you need to make the deal you want.

The Don'ts—How Not to Probe

  1. Don't mind read. Don't assume you know the other party's position or response.
  2. Don't offend. Don't interrogate; interview.
  3. Don't get off track. Focus and slow down.

Listening

  • Talk so others will listen. Listen so others will talk.
  • The less you say, the more you can concentrate on hearing.
  • Make what you say count.
  • Be an active listener—focus, take notes, ask questions.
  • Eliminate distractions—like the phone—and especially the smart phone.
  • The less you say, the more others will remember.
  • Listening isn't waiting to talk.
  • What's your Interruption Quotient?

Listening applies to friends and family as much as it does to business.

 

image

“Okay…I'll trade you Cal Ripken's agent and financial advisor for Kirby Puckett's marketing rep and stock broker!”

By permission of Bob Gorrell and Creators Syndicate.