CHAPTER SIX

 

Sometime after midnight, Carrie trotted after Mick out of the forest. They had run and run. They had chased animals. Mick had even caught a squirrel. Carrie still remembered the satisfying crack as its neck had snapped. All of it had been glorious, the most perfect night of her life. But now she was tired, and so was the moon. She could see that the moon was sagging in the sky, falling toward the opposite horizon.

They emerged into the back yard behind her house, and Mick suddenly stood upright. His fur receded, sliding back into his skin. His wolf features tucked back into his human features.

Carrie stopped short, staring up at Mick, who was now a human.

He knelt next to her, his hands scratching her behind her ears. “Now,” he said. “Resist the moon and shift back, little fael.”

She whined. She didn’t think she could do that. She liked being the wolf, and she didn’t think she wanted to be human again. But then she felt how tired she was, how tired the moon was. And she realized it wouldn’t be so hard to push back. Just a little.

And then it was happening. Her human body was reasserting itself. She lost her balance and went sprawling on the cold grass. Now, without her fur, she was freezing. She shivered and sputtered.

Mick pulled her to her feet, dragging her after him into the house.

She huddled close to him, and she was instantly aware of the fact that they were naked. But Mick didn’t seem to think anything of it. He was so comfortable in his nudity. Maybe she could be comfortable too.

He took her to the living room, and there was a fire in the fireplace. He collapsed on the floor in front of the flames, and she did too. The warmth was welcome on her bare skin. And she felt more alive than she’d even known was possible.

She peered into the flames. “I remember. I remember being the wolf.”

He smiled at her. The flickering flames lit up his face. “You took to it so easily, little fael. You were truly born to this. You are a natural wolf.”

That made her feel good. She sighed. “It feels natural. It feels amazing. I have to admit I love it. I only wish that I’d been more myself the first night. Then I don’t think I would have hurt my parents.”

Mick looked annoyed. “Must we speak of them again? They are gone. They are not important.”

She stared into the fire. It was true that thinking about her parents only made her sad. And there was no sadness in the wolf, only leaping, growling joy. The flames were orange and yellow and red. Occasionally, there was a bright tongue of purple. Fire was beautiful. “I feel… I feel like I’m a different person now. I feel like I know who I am.” She laughed a little. “I guess that sounds strange. If you’d asked me a few days ago if I knew who I was, of course I would have said yes. But I would have been wrong. I wouldn’t have known anything about myself, not my real self. In fact, I’ve always been uncomfortable. I’ve always felt like I didn’t really belong. And now I know why. Because this is my true self. This is who I am.”

Mick’s smile widened. “I’m so happy to hear you say that, little fael. I have to admit, I was worried. I thought you might resent what I have shown you.”

“No,” she said. “No, I’m so glad that you’ve given this to me. I only…” It was so hard to reconcile her old self with her new self. And she did still ache so for her parents. She missed them so much. She would have given anything to get them back. She shut her eyes, but she could still see the brightness of the fire through her eyelids. It was warm and muted and red, like being in the womb. Maybe she was being reborn. Maybe she would emerge different and new.

“This is why I made you promise never to call the SF, you know?” he murmured. “They would take this from you. They would force you to suppress your true nature, and they would trap your wolf in your body. It would be torture.”

“Oh,” she said in realization. “Yes, I guess it would be.”

It was quiet. She could feel the warmth of the fire, and she felt safe and happy.

“Carrie?” murmured Mick.

She opened her eyes. There he was. The light of the fire flickered against his naked skin—his broad shoulders and his chiseled chest. She felt an urge to touch him. Generally, she would have suppressed that urge, but she was reborn now, and she trusted herself. She felt comfortable in her own skin.

So she gave in to her desire. She leaned close, ran her fingers over his cheekbone, and pressed her lips against his.

Mick’s lips were warm and full. Her lips fit in between his, like they were two puzzle pieces. She got closer, and then her naked skin was on his naked skin. She slid against him. His flesh was smooth and warm.

His lips moved on hers. His hand cupped the curve of her hip, pulling her closer.

She opened her mouth to him, offering him her tongue, offering him the chance to probe her.

He made a strangled sound, something almost anguished.

And then he pulled away.

She was startled. It had seemed like he liked it. What was more, it had seemed right and natural, at least she had thought so. She wouldn’t have tried it if it hadn’t seemed like the thing to do. So why was he pulling away from her?

Mick got to his feet. He ran a hand through his long, auburn hair. “Why would you…?”

“I’m sorry,” she said in a tiny voice. “I thought—”

“No,” he said forcefully. “You don’t understand, little fael. I am your alpha. You and I… we should not…” He pressed his lips into a firm line. “You are so very young.”

She stood up too. She was vaguely aware that she might have been self-conscious about her nudity before, but she wasn’t now. In fact, she displayed her naked curves to him, almost taunting him. “I’m not that young, Mick.”

He turned away, and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “You are a child.”

“I’m eighteen.” She licked her lips. “I want you. Maybe it doesn’t make sense, but I do.” She dragged her gaze over his body, settling on his penis, which was half-erect. She’d seen him naked before, of course, but this seemed so much more intimate. The two of them in the faint light of the fire, sometime in the wee hours of the morning. Feeling bold, she reached for it. She ran two tentative fingers over its length.

He seized her wrist, forcing her away. “Carrie.”

“You want me too,” she whispered. “I don’t understand why—”

“Get away from me,” he growled. He threw aside her wrist.

“Why are you—”

“I mean it.” He took her by the shoulders, turned her so that she faced away from him, and gave her a shove.

She stumbled forward, and then caught herself. She turned back to glare at him. He was rejecting her? Why was he doing something so hurtful? She’d felt connected to Mick—to the moon, the trees, the fire, and everything—and he’d spit on her. She hated him.

It was a fresh, strong emotion. She wanted to dive at him and tear him to pieces.

But instead, she only sucked in an unsteady breath. “Fine,” she said in a tight voice.

She went to bed.

* * *

The next morning, Carrie’s alarm woke her at six in the morning. It was programmed to always go off on the weekdays. She needed to get ready for school. Even though she’d only had a few hours of sleep, she felt alert and ready to face the day.

She got in the shower right away. When she got out, she surveyed the clothes in her closet, still wrapped in her towel. She had an entire closet full of dark-colored dresses. Most of them came down just past her knees. Some were short sleeved, some long. She wore them all the time. In the winter, she wore leggings under them to keep her legs warm. They were shapeless, dark, and bland.

Why had she ever wanted to wear these clothes?

She began pulling them out of her closet and tossing them in a pile. She wanted to burn them.

The clothes had been an act of defiance. She’d wanted to get back at her parents for being so strict, and at all of the other students in her school for making fun of her. She’d wanted to separate herself, show them all that she was different, thank you very much. She was different, and she was superior, and she didn’t need to be like any of them. She was an individual.

But now, Carrie realized that the clothes didn’t make her an individual. They only meant she was playing into the hands of the opinions of others. And besides, it had been so juvenile. Had she really thought that wearing clothes her mother hated would make the woman change her mind about curfews?

What had she been thinking?

Carrie pulled on a pair of leggings—ones that she’d usually wear under a dress. She wore them with a shirt instead. It barely skimmed over her ass and clung loosely to her curves.

She stalked into her mother’s bedroom and went through the woman’s closet until she found her mother’s knee-high boots. Carrie tugged them on and surveyed herself in the mirror.

She couldn’t help but grin.

Wow. She looked… sexy.

She would usually skip breakfast before school, but this morning, she was ravenous. Inside her, the wolf was antsy, nipping at the back of her neck, almost as if it wanted to be let out. But the moon was gone now. Why was the wolf still active?

She wasn’t sure, but she did make sure to grab some breakfast before she started out to the end of her driveway to wait for the school bus. When she went by the cars, she looked longingly at them. She really needed to get her license. She wanted to drive to school.

When the bus pulled up, the driver eyed her warily. “You know, if you’re new, you still gotta fill out paperwork before you ride the bus. It’s a liability issue.”

“New?” she said. “You pick me up here every day.”

The driver did a double-take as he recognized her. Then he cleared his throat and mumbled an apology as she climbed onto the bus.

All morning it was like that. Teachers wanted to know why she was sitting in Carrie’s assigned seat. Guys who’d never spoken to her before wandered over to her locker to ask if she was new at the school. When she told them that she was Carrie Beckett, they all seemed stunned.

Carrie couldn’t believe it. She didn’t really look that different. She hadn’t done anything different with her hair or anything. She just wasn’t wearing one of her black drape dresses. She realized that no one had ever looked at her when she was wearing those dresses. All they’d seen were her clothes, not her face or her body. She might as well have been invisible before.

And there was something else too… Carrie didn’t exactly know what it was, but it had something to do with the wolf, with finding herself. She remembered that before this weekend, whenever she had moved through the world, there had been resistance. Almost as if the air itself were pushing back at her, making it hard to move or breathe. But now, everything was wide open. When she moved, she felt confident. She felt at peace with herself. Every movement seemed right. She was fearless.

Maybe that was what made her seem so different. She wasn’t sure.

At least Joan recognized her right away.

They met up at their usual lunch table. Carrie found that she was famished again, and she was already there with a tray. Usually, she just got a pack of crackers from the machine for lunch. She was worried about being fat, and so she usually tried to save her calories for dinner. She’d read that didn’t make much sense, because you were supposed to eat more in the morning than in the evening. But seriously—who had time to eat a big meal in the morning?

Joan sat down, holding a pack of pretzels, and a water. The machines in the school were only allowed to dispense “healthy” snacks and drinks, so there was no soda or chips. Pretzels—for some reason—were okay. Joan looked at Carrie, who was shoveling canned corn into her mouth. “Wow,” said Joan, “you’re eating school lunch?”

Carrie set down her fork. “I’m hungry, you know? Like really freaking hungry. I figured I’d just eat.”

Joan shrugged. “Sure.”

Carrie cut a corner off the burrito on her tray. She speared it with her fork and popped it in her mouth. She chewed. “Hey, this is actually good. I thought school food was gross.”

“It is.” Joan opened her bag of pretzels.

“Whatever. You should try this.” Carrie gestured to her plate.

Joan laughed. “That’s okay.”

“Your loss.” Carrie cut off another bite and chewed.

Joan cocked her head. “What’s up with you? Are you on drugs or something?”

Carrie nearly choked on her burrito. “What? Why would you say that?”

“You’re just… you’re different.”

Carrie opened her carton of milk and began removing her straw from its wrapper. “Yeah. I feel like I’ve just kind of figured things out. I don’t know how to explain it, but the way I was living before was stupid, and I’m going to change.”

“You already have. I mean, you’re wearing completely different clothes. I’m pretty sure you’re violating the dress code.”

Carrie laughed. “Those dresses were really ugly, Joan.”

Joan winced. “Well, you know, I never wanted to say anything, but…”

Carrie giggled.

Joan laughed too. “Okay, so it’s a good thing that you no longer look like Emily Strange, but seriously, Carrie. What’s up with you?”

“I don’t know.” Carrie shrugged. “Freedom agrees with me, I guess.”

“You are so lucky that your parents left like that.”

Carrie’s stomach turned over, thinking about her parents bloody bodies. She couldn’t meet Joan’s gaze. She struggled to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat. This was so hard. She was in mourning, but she couldn’t tell anyone. It made it doubly hard to get through the pain.

You don’t seem like you’re mourning much, spoke up a jeering voice in her head.

Carrie felt ashamed.

“Carrie?” said Joan. “Did I say something?”

Carrie tried to smile. “No, you’re fine. It’s good that they’re not around. They would never let me do this. They never wanted me to be the real me.” Mick was right about that. Her parents had repressed her, and they’d kept the wolf from her. They shouldn’t have done that. Without the wolf, she wasn’t whole. She never wanted them to die, but she had to admit that things were easier in some ways without them. She took a deep breath. “Listen, you’re right.”

Joan raised her eyebrows. “Right about what?”

“What you said yesterday about throwing a party. We should do it. I mean, my house is huge. It’s awesome. It would be a great place for a party. And it’s almost the end of senior year. Have you ever been to a high school party?”

“Well, not exactly.”

“Me either. So, we need to have one.”

“But you said that no one would come.”

“I’ll make them come.”

“Carrie, I’m not going to deny that you look hot in your new clothes or whatever, but this isn’t one of those teen movies where you can give yourself a makeover and suddenly become popular. The kids in the school know who you are, even if you’re dressed different. They’re not going to come to your party.”

Carrie took another bite of her burrito. “Oh ye of little faith.”

“As your best friend, I’m trying to save you from disappointment.”

Carrie looked up, just in time to see that Holden Rane was walking around with a tray, looking for someplace to eat. There was a table of girls in one corner—cheerleaders and volleyball players. Popular kids, like the ones Holden usually hung out with. He was veering off in their direction.

Carrie got to her feet. “Watch this, Joan.”

“Carrie, what are you doing?”

Carrie only smiled. “You’ll see.”

She sashayed across the cafeteria, heading straight for Holden. He was looking around the cafeteria as if making sure the cheerleaders and volleyball players were his best option. He spied her coming over to him. He smiled.

She got closer. “Hey, Holden.”

“Hey.” He started walking towards her.

They met and both stopped moving.

“Carrie,” said Holden. “That’s, um, a new look for you.”

He’d recognized her, unlike everyone else in the school. That was a good sign. She shrugged. “It was time for a change.”

He looked her up and down. “Yeah? Well, I dig it.”

She grinned. “You looking for someplace to sit?”

“Actually… yeah.”

She gestured with her head. “There’s room at my table.”

Holden shot a glance over at the cheerleaders. Then he eye-swept her body again. “Cool. Lead the way.”

Triumphant, Carrie started to move. They made their way back to the table where she sat with Joan. She didn’t even look over her shoulder to make sure he was coming.

It was strange. A few days ago, if she’d been this close to Holden Rane, she would have been nervous as all hell. Her palms would have been sweating, her heart pounding, and she wouldn’t have been able to talk to him without stuttering. But now, she didn’t see any reason to be afraid of him. The worst he could do was reject her, and—if he did—that would be his loss.

Holden sat down next to her, and glanced at her tray. “You like the burrito, huh?”

“Yeah, it’s surprisingly good,” said Carrie. “I didn’t think it would be.”

“The food actually isn’t bad here,” he said.

Joan made a tiny noise.

Carrie looked over to see that her best friend had gone white in shock. She was shaking her head, utterly surprised.

“Oh,” said Carrie, “Holden, you know my best friend Joan?”

He smiled at Joan. “Uh, yeah, I think I remember that. I’m Holden.”

“Yeah, I know,” said Joan in a tight voice.

Holden dug in to his food. Between bites, he said, “It’s too bad that we never got to know each other before. High school’s practically over now, and we’re just starting to hang out.”

Carrie nodded. “I know. I think a lot of people start feeling that way at the end of their senior year. So many missed opportunities, you know?”

“Totally,” said Holden.

“Well,” said Carrie, “in the spirit of righting wrongs, I think we should all have a chance to get to know each other better. So, I’m throwing a party.”

“A party?” He gave her a funny look. “The last time I saw you, weren’t you saying something about your strict parents?”

“They’re out of town,” she said. “Probably for months.”

He laughed. “Well, it does sound like a party is in order.”

“You’ll come then?” said Carrie.

“Wouldn’t miss it,” he said.

“Good,” said Carrie. “Invite anyone you want.”

“Awesome,” he said. “You know, you’re really cool, Carrie. I don’t know why I never saw how cool you were.”

She shrugged. “Maybe you weren’t looking. Or maybe I wasn’t letting anyone see. Does it really matter now?”

He took a bite of his burrito. “Yeah, maybe not.” He laughed.

She smiled.

He couldn’t seem to take his eyes off of her.

* * *

There wasn’t much time for Carrie and Joan to talk after lunch, and they didn’t have any classes together that afternoon. So, they had to talk on the bus that afternoon. They were the oldest students on the bus, since no other seniors actually rode it, so they had claimed the two back seats to themselves. However, today, they wanted to talk so badly that they both sat in one seat. It was a little cramped, but the girls didn’t care as they put their heads together and began to giggle.

“I can’t believe you just walked up to Holden Rane and asked him to eat lunch with you,” said Joan. “You are insane.”

Carrie giggled. “Well, it worked, didn’t it? I mean, he was into it. And he’s going to invite everyone to the party.”

“I can’t believe that either. I can’t believe you’re really going to throw a party.” Joan shook her head. “I swear, it’s like I lost my friend at that carnival last Friday, and now I don’t even know who you are.”

“I’m still me,” said Carrie. “It’s just that I’m a better version of myself.”

Joan gave her a concerned look. “Did something happen that you’re not telling me about?”

“Why would you say that?”

“I don’t know. It’s just that everything seems so strange. Your parents leaving you with that Mick guy. Saying you could learn to drive. It doesn’t make sense.”

Carrie felt panicked for a moment, but then she remembered what Mick had said. It was more realistic when some things didn’t make sense. She nodded. “Yeah, I know. I don’t get it either. It’s crazy, right?”

Joan smiled, looking reassured. “Yeah. Completely crazy.”

“But good.”

“Yeah.” Joan bit her lip. “Hey, what’s that Mick guy going to say about the party?”

“He’s not my boss,” said Carrie. “Anyway, I’m getting rid of him.”

“What do you mean? How are you going to do that?”

“I don’t know yet, but I don’t need him around. I don’t need a babysitter, you know? I’m eighteen years old. I’m legally an adult. He needs to leave and go back to that carnival of his.”

“Yeah, how does he even know your family?”

She shrugged. “I have no idea. He just showed up out of nowhere.”

“So, you don’t like him?”

Carrie hesitated. The way she felt about Mick was complicated. “Just don’t worry. He’s not going to ruin the party.”

“If you say so,” said Joan.

The girls chatted the rest of the way, talking about their plans for the party, and replaying everything that Holden had said to Carrie at lunch. Carrie was happy. She hadn’t felt this happy and excited in a very long time.

But when she got home, Mick was waiting for her.

She hung up her jacket in the hall closet, and then headed up the steps to her room, ignoring him.

“Carrie,” he called after her. “We should talk.”

She kept going, still ignoring him.

He came up the steps after her.

She tried to go as fast as she could, so that she could get into the room ahead of him and shut him out, like she had before.

But Mick was too fast this time, and he forced himself into the room before she could shut the door. “Why are you always running away from me?”

She laughed. “Me running away from you? You’re the one who gets spooked every time I try to touch you.”

He glowered. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Listen, Carrie, it’s normal to feel a little… keyed up after a run, but that doesn’t mean that we can act on that.”

“You know what? It’s fine, Mick. You’re not into me. I get it. We don’t have to talk about it.”

He sighed. “I only want to assure you that you are a very attractive young woman. I don’t want you to feel as if I find fault with you. I don’t. You’re perfect, little fael.”

She fidgeted. Why did she like it so much when he said that? She shouldn’t. It was his fault that her parents were gone. She should hate him.

“It’s simply not appropriate for you and I to…” He looked down at the floor. “It’s very disturbing for me when you behave in the manner than you did last night.”

“Disturbing?” Her jaw dropped. “Why would you say that? Besides, it seemed like you liked it, and you—”

“I have been your alpha since you were ten years old,” said Mick. “In some ways, you will always be a child to me. And you are too young. Do you understand me?”

She folded her arms over her chest. “You know, Mick, right now you sound exactly like my parents.”

His lip curled. “Don’t say such a thing. I’m nothing like those people.”

“I want you to get out.”

“I’ll leave your room when you promise me that you won’t attempt anything as obscene as what you attempted last night.”

“I don’t just want you out of my room, I want you out of my house. I want you out of my life. Go away, Mick. Leave me alone.”

“I am your alpha.” He smiled tersely. “I am a part of your life for better or worse.”

She clenched her hands into fists. “Just go away.”

“Promise me, little fael.”

“I don’t have to make you any promises.” She lifted her chin. “But if you’re worried I’ll kiss you again, you can rest easy. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Nothing at all.”

His face fell, and he looked very hurt. But he left her bedroom.

She locked the door after him. She was glad to see him go, but some part of her wanted to call him back again. She wanted to apologize and throw herself into his arms. She wanted him to stroke her hair and call her “little fael.” She gritted her teeth. Everything about Mick was confusing.

* * *

Holden came in the door of the apartment he shared with his older sister Mel. The apartment had one big open great room—living room on one side, kitchen on the other.

Mel was in the kitchen, taking frozen pizzas out of the oven. Heating up prepared frozen foods was the extent of her cooking ability, but Holden didn’t mind. Mel did the best she could for them. It couldn’t be easy for her, suddenly having to take care of her younger brother.

“Hey there,” said Mel, “nice of you to show up.”

Holden took off his jacket and hung it up next to the door. “Did I say I was going to be home earlier or something?”

“It’s almost seven,” said Mel. “School got out like four hours ago. You don’t work today. What were you doing?”

He shrugged. “Hanging out.”

“Another girl?” said Mel.

Holden shook his head. “No. But actually…” He took a deep breath. “I just sort of met a girl. I guess I always knew her, but I didn’t really know her, you know?”

Mel cut the pizza into slices. “A different girl entirely, Holden? Jesus, how many girls are you dating?”

“I’m not dating anyone.” He flopped down at the table, annoyed. “I don’t go on dates. We hang out and hook up sometimes.”

Mel rolled her eyes. “You’re turning into exactly the kind of guy I hate, Holden, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

“I’m not a bad guy.” He grabbed a slice of pizza.

Mel sat down opposite him and grabbed her own piece.

He chewed and swallowed. “I’m actually kind of serious about this girl.”

“Kind of serious, huh? Wow.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Come on, don’t give me a hard time. She’s… she’s different.”

Mel set down her slice. “Different? What do you mean?”

“I mean… with all the other girls, they’re not very interesting. I don’t have anything to say to them. I don’t even really care what they like or don’t like—”

“You are such an ass, you know that?”

“Would you listen?”

She ate a bite of pizza and shrugged.

“This girl… I want to know everything about her. I never felt like that before.”

“Congratulations, little brother. You’ve just grown a heart.”

“That’s not fair.” He shoved the rest of the pizza into his mouth.

“It’s definitely fair. I’ve been trying to explain to you that women are people too. For years. And so far, you’ve never listened.”

“I know that women are people.”

“You don’t act like it.”

“I’m not hurting anyone, Mel. You act like it’s a big tragedy or something, but the girls who hang out with me know what they’re getting into. They want it just as bad as me.”

“I seriously doubt that. You only want to get in their pants. They probably actually like you.”

“I like the girls I hook up with.”

“Not in the same way.”

He sighed. “Well, I’m still young. Maybe I just haven’t met the right girl yet.”

“But this girl is the right girl?”

“I don’t know.” He got another piece of pizza. “You ever been in love with someone, Mel? You know what it feels like?”

“Now it’s love?”

“No, I’m not saying that. I don’t really know her. But… I just think about her a lot.”

“Is that where you were this afternoon? With this girl?”

“No,” he said. “No, I haven’t seen her since school.”

Mel raised her eyebrows. “Well, maybe there’s hope for you, after all. You’ve been mooning over one girl for an entire evening. I don’t think you’ve ever done that before.”

“See, that’s what I’m saying. It’s different.”

She chuckled. “Don’t get crazy excited, little brother.” She pointed at him. “Just be nice to this one, all right?”

“Well, how do I do that?”

“Only do things she wants to do. Don’t push her into anything.”

“How do I know what she wants?”

Mel laughed again. “Um, you could try asking her.”

He nodded. “Yeah, okay. I guess that makes sense.”

Mel let out another laugh. “You really are clueless, aren’t you, Holden?”

“That’s why I’m asking you for help,” he said.

“Well, maybe you should ask her out on a date.”

“Don’t be stupid, Mel. No one goes on dates, anymore.”

“People do. I go on dates.”

“Yeah, but you’re old.”

“I’m not old. And I was a teenager four years ago. Things have not changed that much.”

“They have, Mel. They really have.”

She rolled her eyes. “Well, if you aren’t going to go on a date, how are you going to get to know her?”

“She’s, um, she’s throwing a party. I figured I’d go to that. Talk to her then.”

“At a party? It’ll be noisy and loud and there will be a trillion other people there. How are you going to get a chance to talk to her?”

He shook his head. “You know what? I don’t even know why I bother asking you for advice, because you’re never helpful.”

“I don’t know why you ask either,” she said. “You never listen to anything I say.”