There was a girl named Anna. She was perfect—everything a guy could ask for. Brown hair, voluptuous curves, and incredibly innocent. I was a junior and she was a sophomore. She did not enjoy texting so we did not talk non-stop, which was nice because some girls suffocated me through text. She and I had been dating a month and I truly liked this girl a lot.
But then I got into a situation with Sophia, who was a freshman. She was so cute and my friends told me to go for it because they thought it would be funny. She was the daughter of one of the teachers at school. So she and I went to an American Sign Language play together for extra credit and, on the way home, she unbuckled and straddled me at every stop sign and we made out. I groped her two ripe melons under her shirt—she was very developed for her age. I was having a lot of fun, so we started dating. I enjoyed this but at the same time I knew that what I was doing was wrong. I contemplated stopping, but I liked the wildness of Sophia and the innocent steadiness of Anna.
Conveniently enough I had my tonsils out and had time to get to know Sophia better through texting while marinating the norm with Anna. When I returned to school I was stuck with having to hug both of them at school. So after first period I would meet with Sophia and hug and kiss her—girls like the public display of affection. Then after the next period I would smooch Anna. I had to go home at lunch and take my Adderall every day, so I avoided having to be at lunch with them. This went on for about a week until my friends told other friends and the olive branch cracked.
Her brother found out and he was furious. He told his mother. I happened to decide to take Sophia to my house one lunch so we could get frisky. We were in pursuit of my house when I got a call from Sophia’s mom. When her mom got mad, she got real mad. It was like having some crazy lady maul you with words.
“Andrew, my son is upset you’re dating Sophia. I don’t have a real problem with it, but if you are dating another girl, too. Then what the fuck are you doing? I swear to God you better end it and not play these games, Andrew.”
Sophia was looking at me in the car and did not know who it was.
“Yeah, okay I will settle everything.” Then her mom went off on a rant and swore every five words and then I hung up.
“Who was that?” asked Sophia.
“Oh it was my mom. No biggie.”
I was in an utter panic. I did not know what to do or how to solve this situation, so I drove in circles through my town while Sophia sat, startled and confused. She was staring me down with her panther eyes in the passenger seat and eventually I took her back to school. When I dropped her off before the lunch bell rang, I said, “We got to break up. I am sorry.”
I was so sad because I loved this wild little Greek girl but knew her mom was on my case and I didn’t know what else to do.
“I don’t understand. Why?” she asked.
“Just go. Leave. Get on.” She sadly left.
Then I parked the car and went to my next class. I tried to pretend that everything was fine when I saw Anna after school before her mother picked her up. She had no idea what had happened.
Until the next morning, when she texted me. “You Asshole.”
“What are you talking about?” I texted back.
“You know exactly what I am talking about. Meet me after 3rd period.”
During 3rd period I met her and tried to get her to hear me out. I even explained my theory that I had picked her because she was the one I wanted to be with. She slapped me and said that I was a jerk and she never wanted to talk to me again. I was girless, but I did deserve it.
So I went back to my next class a single man. Halfway through class my friend Kelly said that she saw a girl in the bathroom balling that looked my girlfriend. She said she was really sad. I felt even worse.
I had tried dating two girls at once for the laughter of my friends, but I had messed up. I was an idiot. I thought I could make two girls happy at once and make my friends laugh at the same time. All would be great and dandy, but that was not how the world worked and I learned my lesson that dating two girls at once was evil.