“This is the soldier and Marine quarantine?” I asked, looking around the room.
“Yeah,” Hayden said, unlacing his combat boots.
“It’s freaking nice!”
“It is. Don’t, uh, tell anyone, ok?”
“Why? ‘Cuz you know it’s majorly unfair?”
“After going out there and risking our lives, I’d say it’s plenty fair,” he chuckled.
“Can’t argue with that.” I took my shoes off as well. And my jacket, and my sweater, and the cargo pants I had on over leggings. “It’s so warm in here.” We were in the basement of the estate, in the room across from the weight room. It was large, well lit, and homey. A huge TV was centered against a wall, surrounded by comfy couches and armchairs. There was a pool table behind all that, next to the kitchenette. Two beds were pushed against the opposite wall, and there was a full bathroom.
“Do you want to change? I can go get clothes,” Hayden offered.
“That would be wonderful. You can leave?”
“I can run upstairs and come back.”
“Then, yes. I want my pajamas,” I informed him.
“Me too. I’ll be right back. You can take the first shower then.”
And I did. The water stayed warm longer than ten minutes. The Bs and Cs might be stuck in dungeon-like rooms but at least they got warm water. And a heater. I stretched out on the couch, enjoying the warmth. I was so freaking sick of being cold.
Hayden joined me, his skin red from taking a hot shower. He put a pillow against me and rested his head on it, closing his eyes and sighing.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he lied.
“It’s those people, isn’t it?”
“What people?”
“The ones who built the fire in Texas. You’re thinking about them.”
“Yeah,” he admitted and opened his eyes. “I feel guilty for not finding them.”
“Why? It’s not your fault they wandered away.”
“We should have looked longer.”
“We needed to get back,” I reminded him.
“One more day wouldn’t have hurt anything.”
“Hayden, you can’t feel bad about not rescuing everyone in the world. There are how many people here because of you?”
“You’re right,” he said, not sounding convinced. We watched a movie, ate a bland meal of rice and beans, and retired to the couch. Hayden pointed to a blinking light on the ceiling and told me it was a camera. Someone would occasionally glance at it and make sure we weren’t going crazy.
We played cards, watched another movie, talked about our messed up childhoods some more, and eventually fell asleep. When Fuller came in to talk to us the next day, I was surprised at how fast the twenty-four hours had gone.
* * *
While Hayden filled Fuller in on the details of our mission, I went to find Raeya. She was in her room, refolding the new clothes I’d brought her. Upon seeing my face, she dropped a sweater and ran over, her arms flying around me.
“Ohmigod, Rissy!” She squeezed me tight. “I was so worried! When I saw those other two soldiers you left with come back without you I thought something terrible happened.”
I hugged her back. “You should know it takes more than zombies to stop me.”
“How was it? The mission I mean.” We sat on her bed while I recanted the story, leaving out the part about finding traces of human existence in the Lone Star State.
“Oh!” she exclaimed as soon as I shut up. “I got my ranking!”
“Ranking?”
She shook her head. “From the tests.”
“Oh, oh yeah. What did you get?”
“I,” she said proudly, “am an overseer!”
“Really? That’s great! Congrats, Ray!”
“Thanks. I suggested they redo the test. It just plain sucks.”
“You would suggest that,” I said with a slight giggle.
“Anyway, I’m helping reorganize a lot of stuff. I’m making lists. Oh, and Jason is an A3.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Sonja’s not happy about it. Though, I don’t think she has to worry. A3s don’t go anywhere, do they?”
“I don’t think so. From what I got in training, they have the chance to move up to an A2 and eventually an A1.”
Someone knocked on the door. Raeya got up to open it. A familiar pair of blue eyes widened in delight.
“You’re back,” Padraic said with a smile. He strode in and hugged me. “How was your first mission?”
“Not too bad. We got everything we needed.” I hugged him back, happy to see him again.
“What’s it like out there?”
“It hasn’t changed in the few weeks we’ve been here,” I said with an equivocal half smile. “I blew up a building.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. It was awesome.”
“Nice, I guess. Are you going out on any other missions?” he asked apprehensively.
“I’m sure I will. That’s the point of being an A1, remember? I’d like to go to Florida. I’m sick of the cold.”
“Oh, if you go I’m coming,” Raeya told me. “Can we go to Mexico?”
“That’s where Hayden’s going as soon as this is over,” I said with a laugh. “We have this plan to find a yacht and live safe and sound in the ocean. Zombies can’t swim, ya know.”
“Ohmygod,” Raeya exclaimed. “What the hell is wrong with us? Why haven’t we all packed up and gone to Hawaii? Why are we here when we could be there?”
“It’s not that easy, Ray,” Padraic said, not understanding Raeya’s sense of sarcasm. And since when did she let him call her by her nickname? He sat next to me, wanting to be all chatty and social.
“How’s Ivan?” I asked suddenly.
“His ankle is sprained. He’ll be fine in a week or two. It’s not a bad sprain at all,” Padraic responded.
“Oh, good.” I stood up. “I’m gonna find Argos. I miss that dog.”
“I’ll come with ya,” Padraic offered. I had gotten used to his company and didn’t mind him tagging along—as long as he didn’t try to kiss me or hold my hand or any of that stupid middle school romance crap.
There was about an acre fenced in outside for the dogs to roam in. The bigger dogs seemed to like the space and weren’t bothered by the cold, so they stayed out as long as they liked. The dogs all belonged to people at the compound and lived with them just as they did before zombies roamed the earth.
“Why do you think people brought their dogs?” I wondered out loud, looking at a small toy poodle.
“You know people love their pets,” Padraic supplied. “And, I was told, dogs are able to sense the infected people. Even that little thing over there,” he said, pointing to a Chihuahua. “Its owners told me that he basically saved their lives.”
“That thing? He’s a sad excuse for a dog. He’s wearing a sweater.”
“Maybe, but he alerted them to the zombies lurking about their house at night. Gave them enough time to get away.”
“I guess.” I picked up a tennis ball and threw it.
“Argos missed you.”
“He did?” I asked, my heart almost hurting for the poor dog.
“Yeah. He looked around whining, thinking you’d be coming to see him.”
“You come out here and play with him?”
“Every day. Well, not out here, but when they’re inside.”
“Oh.” I had no idea. “Uh, thanks.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I like that dog. He’s saved us many times.”
“He has.”
We played with the Doberman for awhile longer before going back inside. I spent the rest of the day with my old gang. Sonja was happy she was assigned to caring for young children because that meant she was with Lisa. Raeya and I snickered behind Lauren’s back at her job as dishwasher.
Lauren had found herself a new group to be with, which was more than fine with us. Sonja, Jason, Raeya, Padraic, Lisa, and I sat together at dinner. When I saw Hayden come in, my face lit up and I waved him over. He said something to the Marines he was with, grabbed a tray, and joined us. Sonja blushed when she caught his eye.
Jason drilled us about our mission. He was convinced he’d go up in the ranks from A3 to A1 quickly. Hayden bragged about how many zombies we killed, joked about being a better marksman than me, and told everyone how awesome blowing up the building was—and that we narrowly avoided getting blown up as well. I wasn’t in the social mood anymore so after dinner I went up to bed.
* * *
The next morning, Hayden brought up the personal things we’d looted. He also managed to unearth the purse I’d arrived at the compound with.
“You can shove my purse in the closet too.” I yawned and stretched. “Or toss it. There’s nothing useful in it.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok.” Hayden opened the flap and looked inside. Grinning, he held up a stuffed animal. “Care to explain this?” he asked. “Please tell me you didn’t sleep with this thing.”
“Oh, God.” The blood drained from my head fast. I sunk onto my bed. The vision of the pink cat was like a sucker punch to the face. Zoe. I hadn’t thought about her since that day. I buried my memory of her when I buried her body. It was too painful, too sad. It wasn’t fair. The image of her frail body lying at the bottom of the stairs flashed through my brain, the memory searing a gaping hole in my heart. An odd sound escaped my mouth as I tried not to cry. Tears blurred my eyes. I didn’t remember seeing Hayden rush over, but suddenly he was there, right in front of me.
“I’m so sorry, Orissa. I didn’t mean…it’s ok.” He put his hand on my shoulder. My head shook as I tried to force back the tears.
“It’s not mine,” I tried to explain. A tear snuck out, rolling down my cheek. Hayden hugged me. His muscular embrace was warm and comforting. One sob escaped; I inhaled quickly to cut it off.
“It’s ok,” he whispered, stoking my hair.
“Zoe,” I told him. “It’s Zoe’s. S-she’s dead.” And then I cried. I forcefully wiped the tears away. “I’m sorry for crying,” I told him.
He wrapped one arm around my body and used the other to pick up my legs, putting me on his lap. “I’m sorry about your friend,” he whispered, hugging me. Being enveloped in Hayden’s arms wasn’t anything new. We had cuddled before under the cover of darkness. I felt so vulnerable and exposed right now, with my heart on the table.
I thought of Zoe’s last few days: her smile, her eagerness to find joy in this horrible world, her love for that stupid cat. And then I felt a wave of guilt for letting Finickus run away. I should have held onto him tighter, made sure he was taken care of. I remembered the zombies crashing her funeral. It sickened me to think that they might have used their fingernails to dig up the freshly disturbed earth to eat away at her lifeless body. I held onto Hayden, pressing my face against his chest.
“It’s okay,” he soothed. When I looked up, his face was only an inch from mine. Our eyes locked and that feeling came back.
“Zombies didn’t kill her,” I said, casting my eyes down. “She was sick long before the virus.” I took several deep breaths to get my emotions under control. “Sorry I cried,” I repeated, feeling ashamed of myself.
“Orissa, stop.”
“Stop?”
“Yes, stop.” His tone was stern and his face was set. “Stop acting like you’re doing something bad by showing that you have feelings. The world has gone to hell. It’s more than a little upsetting.”
“Crying doesn’t solve anything,” I told him.
“No, but holding it in isn’t going to help either.”
“Okay, thank you, Dr. Phil.”
“Seriously, Orissa. It took me a long time to come to this conclusion. After all I’d been through in Afghanistan, after Ben died…”
“Crying doesn’t solve anything,” I repeated, my voice a distant echo of my past. My mother spent two years after the divorce crying and drinking. I swore I’d never be like her. I’d never be weak. I’d never let anyone damage me.
“Get it out and get over it,” he said a little gruffly. “Especially now.”
I’d rather feel nothing than feel pain; I could go through the motions. I closed my eyes, gripping Hayden tighter. “She was innocent. And young. Before she died, I prayed that we could somehow switch places. It would have been better that way.”
Hayden didn’t say anything. He ran his fingers through my hair. I saw her face, her big green eyes, and her pink earrings. And then Logan. I trusted him, liked him even, thought of him as our best asset for survival. And I killed him. Seth. It wasn’t fair that he had to die. It wasn’t fair Raeya had to lose someone she loved. Aunt Jenny. My grandpa. My parents. Like vomit, the tears came involuntarily. I wiped my eyes.
“I do feel better,” I confessed.
“Good.” He brushed a loose strand of hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear. His hazel eyes met mine and I was suddenly aware of everything about him: the warmth of his skin, his heart beating, his chest rising and falling as he breathed, his muscles underneath me. Part of me wanted to jump up and run down the hall. And part of me never wanted to get up.
* * *
The A1s had a meeting after lunch. Another group was going out tomorrow to search for more survivors. When they came back, a second group (that included Hayden and me) would go out on what Fuller called a ‘destroy mission.’ He told us that the zombies weren’t deteriorating into the third stage as quickly as at the beginning of the outbreak. His eyes met Hayden’s several times in an unspoken conversation.
After the meeting I decided to go upstairs. Only As went upstairs. I had never been told that I wasn’t allowed to bring anyone up with me. It seemed, from listening to the soldiers’ and Marines’ conversations, that some of them had brought girls up on a few occasions. Still, Raeya and I whispered as we trotted down the hall that night.
“I am so jealous of how normal your room is!” she exclaimed as she looked around. “You have windows and drywall. We have cement walls.”
I laughed. “There are bars on the windows, if it makes you feel any better.”
“And you have a closet!” She opened the door and looked inside. “This isn’t fair! You have hangers!”
“I’d gladly give you my hangers. You know I hate hanging shit up. I’d rather throw it in a drawer.”
“You do have drawers. You have a closet and a dresser.”
“Oh, I have to show you something!”
Hayden kept a box of junk food and booze in the closet that I snuck into freely. I dragged it out now. “You can’t tell Hayden I showed you though.”
“Ohmygod! Now this…this is so not right!” She bent down, sifting through the candy. “And you’re just now cluing me in? Some friend you are!”
I laughed. “It’s Hayden’s secret stash. He only told me about it…uh…like over a week ago.” I grabbed a box of Oreos. “Take what you want and I’ll put it back before he comes up.”
“Speaking of Hayden,” she said, opening a bag of cheese flavored chips. “You guys have been spending a lot of time together.”
“Yeah, we’re partners.”
“You know what I mean,” she raised her eyebrows.
“No I don’t.”
“Come on, Orissa, you so do.”
“No.”
“Well, I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I think he likes you.”
“Nah. He’s just…he…I’m the only attractive female he spends time with. Hence the looks.”
“There are plenty of other good looking women here,” Raeya pointed out. “Why do you act like it would be a bad thing?”
“What would be the point, Ray?”
“Don’t you want to be happy?”
“Oh yeah, be happy in a world filled with the living dead.”
“What about the living dead?” a male voice spoke from behind us. Shit. It was Hayden. Had he overheard us?
“Nothing,” I said quickly, feeling unnerved.
“You,” Raeya said, standing. She picked up my pillow and threw it at him. “How dare you hide candy from me!”
“You told her?” Hayden asked, trying to look pissed.
I shrugged. “She forced it out of me.”
“I’m sure she did,” Hayden said, crossing the room to sit next to me. He took the Oreos from my hands, opened them and ate one. I had a disturbing urge to lean against him. I jumped up, striding to the closet.
“Shots, anyone?” I said, holding up the tequila.
“Oh my God, yes!” Raeya squealed. “This is so overdue.”
“You’re telling me,” I agreed.
“Do you have shot glasses?” she asked seriously.
“Yes, Ray, ‘cuz I always carry them with me.” I said sarcastically.
She wrinkled her nose. “Shut up.”
“I’m sure we can find something,” Hayden said. “Go look in the kitchen.”
“Can’t you go?” I asked him, smiling innocently.
“I don’t feel like it.”
“Fine. Lazy-ass,” I teased.
“I am. Now get in the kitchen, woman!” he joked.
I grabbed the Oreos from him, snatched the pillow, and threw it at him again. Laughing, Raeya and I took off down the hall. We ran into Padraic on the way to the kitchen.
“Orissa!” he said happily. “I’m glad I ran into you. I’m blood typing all of the As. Do you know your blood type?”
“A positive. Or negative. Or maybe O. Shit. I don’t remember. Wasn’t it on my chart at the hospital?”
“Yes, but I didn’t look over your chart. Can you come to the hospital ward in an hour or so? I can take a sample and find out.”
“Yeah. I’ll see you in awhile then.”
“Alright.” He smiled warmly and said goodbye. We went into the dark kitchen, flicking on the lights. While Raeya looked for three small cups, I opened the freezer and dug out frozen limes. I put them in a bowl, filled it with water and stuck the thing in the microwave while I looked around for a salt shaker.
After we collected everything, we ran back to my room. Hayden had changed out of his military issued clothing and into athletic pants and a T-shirt. Country music quietly filled the air.
“You weren’t kidding when you said it was cold in here,” Raeya commented as the three of us settled on the floor.
“I can solve that,” I told her, opening the bottle. I poured more than a shot’s worth into each of the three glasses. We held them up. “To us,” I said. We clinked the glasses and took the shots. The tequila burned on the way down and I coughed.
Soon we were playing the drinking game Never Have I Ever.
We sat in a circle on the floor with the bottle, limes, and salt shaker in the middle.
“Never have I ever had a one night stand,” Raeya said.
Hayden and I drank. He poured more into our cups. “Never have I ever kissed someone of the same sex,” he said.
I took a drink.
“Shit,” I said, shaking my head as the tequila went down. “Crap. What haven’t I done?” I smiled deviously at Raeya. “Never have I ever color coded my closet.”
“You’re a bitch,” Raeya said and took a drink, recoiling at the taste.
I laughed. “Here,” I said, grabbing the limes and salt. I used a pocket knife to cut the still frozen limes up. “Your turn again, Ray.”
“Good. Never have I never been in jail.”
I drank.
“Never have I ever,” Hayden began, “had a fake ID.” I drank again.
He laughed. “Maybe you should sit this one out. You’re gonna be sick soon.”
“I’m fine. I’m only sipping it.” I could already feel the buzz set in. “I don’t like this game anymore. All it does is make me sound like a slutty bad person.”
“You are a slutty bad person,” Raeya giggled.
“Never have I ever,” I said loudly, “made notes about zombies.”
Raeya scowled and took a drink.
“Never have I ever lied about my birthday to get free desserts at a restaurant,” she said.
Hayden and I drank.
“Never have I ever had a fear of porcelain dolls,” Hayden said almost shyly.
“Orissa!” Raeya snapped and took a drink.
Hayden and I laughed.
“Never have I ever enjoyed listening to country music,” I directed to Hayden.
“This is getting personal,” he said and took a drink.
I laughed like that was the funniest thing in the world, evidence I was getting drunk.
“It is,” Raeya agreed. She leaned toward me. “Never have I ever had bruises I couldn’t explain.”
Hayden and I drank.
“Where’s that lime?” he asked.
“Right here.” I tossed it to him. “Ok,” I started, filling up the glasses again. I stood and made my way to the iPod. I flipped through the songs until I found one I liked enough to dance to. I tried to pull Raeya up to dance with me. She laughed but refused. Hayden tossed his drink back and stood. I grabbed his hands and made him dance with me.
“You’re a horrible dancer!” I told him, laughing. He put his arms around my waist and pulled me to him. I hooked mine around his neck.
“Sorry I’m not a pro like you,” he laughed back, leaning in, his hazel eyes sparkling.
“Watch and learn,” I said. I finished off what was left in my cup and went to the middle of our small room, showing off what I thought were my impressive dance moves. After a song passed, Hayden picked me up, spun me around, and fell back on the bed.
“Ok,” he said, still holding onto me. “What do you miss most?”
“Miss most?”
“From before the zombies?”
“Hmm…everything?” I said loudly.
“I miss privacy,” Raeya pointed out. “We have next to none here.”
“Yeah, I miss that too,” Hayden agreed. “And football and chocolate milk.”
“Chocolate milk. What are you, five?” I teased. “I miss cookies, going to bars, having fun, and sex.”
“Sex,” Hayden repeated. “You’re telling me.”
“Oh yeah!” I unscrewed the bottle and took a swig. “You came straight here from overseas. You haven’t gotten any in a long time, right?”
He took the bottle from me. “Maybe.”
After Hayden returned from walking a stumbling Raeya to her room, we collapsed on the bed, then decided to watch a movie.
I had to pry his arms from me to get out of bed. Dancing along with the still playing music, I picked out a horror movie. We didn’t finish before we were drinking again, on the bed and almost falling off.
“Salt, drink, lime!” I shouted. I licked my hand, ran it over my chest, and sprinkled salt on my cleavage.
“You want me to lick the salt off of you?” Hayden said, his words slurring.
“Yeah.”
“Ok.” Hayden more than licked me. I shrieked and laughed as he bit at me, dropping the lime as I pushed him off.
“Your turn.” He salted his abs.
“And yours again!” I said as I sprinkled salt on my boobs. Right as Hayden licked me, the door opened. “Padraic!” I shouted, attempting—for some drunken reason—to say his name with an accent.
Padraic’s blue eyes were wide with shock. “O-Orissa?”
“Come have a drink with us!” I offered.
Hayden’s hands were still planted on my waist. His tongue wasn’t on my skin but his head was still nestled in my breasts. “Hello Doctor,” he said, also speaking with an accent.
“What are you doing?” Padraic asked Hayden.
Hayden blinked, sitting up. In a moment of general confusion, he looked at me. “Shots.”
“Take one!” I held up the bottle and then put it to my lips. As soon as the alcohol touched my mouth, Padraic took the bottle.
“I think you’ve had enough,” he said softly.
“No!” I stood to take it back. My foot caught on Hayden’s. He attempted to catch me but ended up falling on the floor too. We, of course, laughed.
“You both are drunk,” Padraic stated.
“Your face is drunk,” I retorted, laughing even harder.
“This is pathetic,” Padraic scoffed, watching Hayden and I try to get up.
“Then why did you come?” I questioned. I rolled onto my back and stared up at Padraic.
“You were supposed to get your blood typed. When you didn’t show up I thought something bad happened. Obviously, I was right.”
“Nothing bad…wait, I love this song!” I started singing along with Journey while Hayden got to his feet.
“Nothing bad happened. I won’t let anything bad happen to Orissa,” he slurred.
“Yeah, you can really take care of her,” Padraic jeered. “You’re doing a bang up job.”
“I can take care of myself,” I reminded both of them, taking a break from Don’t Stop Believing.
“No you can’t,” Padraic said, waving a hand at me. “Obviously!”
“Oh come on, Paddy. I’m an adult. I can do what I want.”
“You’re not acting like an adult. Not at all. Look at you, drunk and writhing on the floor. You’re an A1 for Christ’s sake. Have some self respect!”
“I am an adult!” I nearly shouted. I realized my argument would be more credible if I wasn’t lying on the floor. At that moment I doubted my ability to stand. “And just because I’m an adult doesn’t mean I can’t have fun!”
“Orissa, you have drill tomorrow morning. And, Hayden, you’re seen as a leader. Maybe expectations for Orissa are a shot in the dark, but you should know better.”
My world might have been spinning, but I could still be insulted. Hayden defended me, reminding Padraic we’d been through a lot and that we all deserved a break. Maybe Hayden wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was. I faltered in my attempt to get up. Padraic offered a hand to help me.
“No thanks. I don’t want to not live up to your expectations,” I snapped, knowing that didn’t make sense. Just to piss him off, I took another shot.
“I’m sorry,” Padraic said. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“How did you mean it?” I stumbled back to Hayden’s side, sinking down on the bed next to him.
“I-I didn’t mean it as anything. I was mad, ok. And I’m sorry.”
“Prove it by taking a shot,” I suggested.
Hayden took the bottle, poured a small amount into a glass and offered it to Padraic. “Loosen up,” he said, shaking the glass.
“Fine,” Padraic said and tossed it back.
His face made me laugh.
“How can you stand that?” He asked.
“Drink more. It’ll taste better,” Hayden suggested, taking another drink.
Hayden climbed into his bed.
“Bed time,” Padraic suggested. My stomach flip flopped and I knew sleep was a good idea.
“Ok. Night,” I told him, kneeling on Hayden’s bed, trying to push him over so I could join him under the covers.
“Whoa, missy. Your own bed,” Padraic said, taking my hand.
“I want to snuggle.”
“Well, you, uh, can’t.” Padraic gently pulled me.
“But it’s cold!” I argued. “And I like to cuddle.”
“I always cuddle with Orissa,” Hayden drunkenly confessed.
“Sure you do,” Padraic said. “Come on, Orissa; get into your own bed.”
“Do you want my blood?” I asked him suddenly.
“Not right now, alright?”
“Ok.” The last thing I remember was Padraic tucking me in.