Poppy was in bed and I had showered and changed into my own clothes and was in the garden in the soft dusk. I could smell next door’s roses. The rind of a moon hung above the rooftops. I thought of pouring myself a drink, of getting a cigarette from my secret stash, but instead I just sat, limp and exhausted after the day. The rush of images had ceased and I felt empty, ransacked of emotions.
Dimly, I heard a sound and then realised it was the front doorbell, barely audible from the garden. It was late, I wasn’t expecting anyone and I thought of ignoring it, but then it rang again. I heaved myself out of the low chair, went through the conservatory, up the stairs, and opened the door.
‘Hello, Tess.’ Aidan spoke awkwardly. ‘If you tell me to go away, I will.’ I didn’t reply at once. ‘Sorry. This was a mistake. Stupid. I just couldn’t… I didn’t… forgive me.’
He turned.
‘No,’ I said. ‘Don’t go!’
He stopped, his back still turned to me. The sight of him, with his defeated shoulders and his thinning hair, made me feel painfully tender.
‘Come in. Just for a few minutes.’
He faced me then, taking me in.
‘You look awful.’
‘Well, thank you!’
‘No, I mean – what’s happened? Are you OK?’
‘Come inside.’
‘If you’re sure.’
‘Of course.’
We went back into the garden together. I didn’t offer him a drink. I didn’t know why he was there or what he wanted. I didn’t know anything.
‘What happened?’ he asked again.
‘I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it. Things have been rough, that’s all. Today…’ I faltered to a halt.
‘Today?’
I looked at him properly for the first time, letting our eyes meet. His face was thinner than I remembered.
‘It was awful,’ I said. I didn’t want to cry in front of him.
‘You don’t need to tell me. But is there anything I can do to help?’
I shook my head. We were both silent.
‘I didn’t mean to come,’ he said at last.
‘I’m glad you did.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ve missed you.’ His voice was low. ‘I’ve missed you so much.’
‘I’ve missed you too,’ I said.
‘Does that mean…?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I need to sort things.’
He nodded several times. ‘Do you think, in the future, when you’re ready…?’
’Mummy!’ Poppy’s voice cut through the air. ‘Mummy Mummy Mummy.’
I jumped to my feet.
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘Let yourself out.’
‘Of course.’
I ran up the stairs and into Poppy’s room. Leaning over her bed, pushing her damp hair off her forehead and murmuring to her, I heard the front door open and then I heard it close.