September 11, 2001. I have discovered my father possesses superpowers. I was in Windows on the World with my older brother when it happened. Officially, my father is called Carthew, but that’s not his real name. He didn’t know he had megaextrasensory powers, like in X-Men when the guy finally realizes he can see through walls. I knew because I had been informed by the Intergalactic Charter in 7987 BN (Before Now) (I’m an agent of the Intergalactic Council). In fact, my father’s name is not Carthew, it’s Ultra-Dude. We don’t know the extent of his powers, because he hasn’t used them yet, since they operate only when he is in megadanger, like in a fire for instance. At times like this, he can walk through concrete walls, twist metal, even fly, since fear charges his battery pack. Then afterwards, he doesn’t remember anything because he’s got an instantaneous autoadaptive memory that allows him to erase all the data from his mental hard drive so he doesn’t give up the microfilm if he’s ever subjected to cunning interrogations in an Astral Confederation prison ruled by his archenemy Morg (aka Jerry the Vile).
I was eating pancakes with a number of Earthlings when we were attacked by the Dark Forces: it was a carefully planned attack, most likely an attempt by Lieutenant Devil-Raptor to take Ultra-Dude by surprise. Using the secret transformer concealed beneath the North Pole for thousands of years, the evil Devil-Raptor transformed himself into a plane and, using teleporta-tion, slammed into the skyscraper trying to get at the macroconstrictive primes (Devil-Raptor is an interstellar prime hunter capable of subliminal transformations: he can transform himself into anything he touches, except if he’s got the flu). Anyway, the attack happened just a few minutes ago. I will make contact again to keep you informed of developments. In a moment, as soon as he senses his devastating googolplex superpowers, Ultra-Dude will take action. For the moment, he is completely unaware that he is a superhero about to avenge the abomination of Darkness and also the ghastly murder of his mother who was gobbled up by the Hideous Fang Fish twelve centuries ago. Ultra-Dude will wake in a second, and there’s gonna be megadeath. They’ll see! Devil-Raptor will get what’s coming to him when Ultra-Dude zaps him with his dematerializing Starlaser. The battle has only just started. With the help of the Ark of the Covenant and the Sacred Ring, Ultra-Dude will take on the puny enemy minions with his Magic Fire. Agent X275 signing off.