XXXI

Ants in Pants

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Stella’s thinking was simple. The girl now had to fight to force this evil woman out of her home. Forever. Alberta had killed her mother and father. Now she would stop at nothing to force Stella to sign over Saxby Hall to her, even resorting to torture.

Together in the attic, she and Soot began dreaming up the most diabolical tricks they could play on Alberta. They needed tricks that were sure to make the girl’s aunt scurry away from Saxby Hall screaming for mercy!

Stella found it hard to think of anything at first. She’d had such a sheltered upbringing, growing up in a vast country house and educated at a posh school for girls.

“Let’s hide one of each of her pairs of socks! Then when she puts them on in the morning they will be odd!” she exclaimed.

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Soot pulled a face. The boy had never even owned a pair of socks, so the idea of torturing Alberta by making her wear odd ones sounded lame.

“With respect, m’lady. That is a load of tosh!”

Stella was more than a little offended. “Well, I would like to hear your suggestions!”

Soot thought for a moment. Having grown up in a workhouse he had learned you had to be tough just to survive. He had seen the boys play the meanest tricks on each other in the years he spent there. “We need to put ants in her pants!”

“Ants in her pants?” asked the girl.

“Yep. And that’s just for starters!”

For a moment Stella looked shocked, but then her face lit up at the thought. Soon she was trying to top Soot’s idea.

“Flood her floor with marbles!”

The ghost went further still. “Make ’er pipe go boom!”

In just a few minutes together they had a long list of tricks:

– Put a nest of ants from the garden in her knicker drawer.

– Flood her carpet with marbles. There was a huge box of them in the nursery.

– Take all the tobacco out of her pipe and substitute it with gunpowder from a shotgun cartridge found in the drawer of Papa’s desk in his study.

– Mix the bubbliest bubble bath from Mama’s bathroom in with the woman’s toothpaste.

– Cut open her bar of soap and put black boot polish from the kitchen inside.

– Go to the garage to find a shard of glass from the Rolls Royce’s cracked windscreen. Then place it in her toilet bowl so when she pees it sprays right back up at her!

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The pair was so enthused dreaming up the list, they could have added to it until dawn. However, there was no time to lose, and they immediately set to work putting their plans into action. As they could hear Aunt Alberta snoring downstairs in her bedroom they knew they were safe for a little while at least.

The tiny fireplace in the attic would be their escape route. It was quite a squeeze, but once inside they could use all of Saxby Hall’s vast network of chimneys and chutes. Together they would have the full run of the house. So Stella followed Soot into the attic chimney, just managing to squeeze her body inside.

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All through the night they climbed up and down the vast network of tunnels and chutes, gathering all the props they needed to play tricks on the nasty auntie.

Just as the two were spreading marbles on to the carpet in Alberta’s room as she slept, her beloved owl tucked up in bed next to her, Stella noticed something. The curtains were beginning to glow with the sun behind them – dawn was breaking. The pair quickly disappeared into the fireplace in Alberta’s bedroom, and climbed back up to the attic. Once there Soot tied Stella back to the Owl-Rack so Aunt Alberta would be fooled into thinking her niece hadn’t moved all night.

Downstairs, the grandfather clock chimed six o’clock, waking Aunt Alberta up.

BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG.

The fun was about to begin!