IT’S BEEN A WEEK since I left Earl Grey, and he hasn’t tried to contact me. I’m staying at my dad’s house in Portland. I didn’t consider going back to the duplex I share with Kathleen, not even for a second—she’s probably still mad at me. Plus, the entire place is undoubtedly still under surveillance by Earl Grey, billionaire stalker extraordinaire.
My father is on my case about getting a job. I got so wrapped up in my new life with Earl Grey that I forgot I even worked at Walmart. Of course they would take me back in a heartbeat—Earl Grey would make them, or else he’d fire my boss or liquidate the company or something. I can’t see myself returning to Walmart, though. I never liked it that much, and I’m eager to start a new chapter in my life. I applied for a job at Amazon, a local Seattle publishing company. They advertised a few openings in their warehouse, which sounds like a great entry-level position in the book industry. If I get the job, I might be able to work my way up to editor in a few years.
I’m sleeping in my old bedroom for the first time since I moved in with my mother after my parents’ divorce. The room is exactly how I left it, right down to the stuffed animals and N*SYNC poster. It’s a peaceful environment, a return to the womb of sorts, but my mind won’t stop racing. My father is at work, and I’m lying on my bed fully clothed and trying to catnap. I close my eyes. My thoughts invariably turn to Earl Grey. Would our life together really be so bad? No matter how hard I try to be angry with him, my body responds with increasing desire . . .
I unbutton the top two buttons of my blouse. This gives me just enough room to slip a hand inside my shirt. I slide my fingers between my bra and left breast. I trace the edges of my areola before giving my hard nub a firm pinch. I imagine Earl Grey, my handsome knight in shining armor, knocking on the bedroom door and asking for a small favor. If you don’t mind. (I don’t.) He shuts the door behind him. I drop to my knees and grab hungrily at his belt, ripping it open like I’m tearing the bow off the greatest Christmas present ever. I unzip his slacks . . .
I unbutton my own jeans just enough to slip my hand down the front. I let out a slight moan. I can’t believe I’ve never done this before!
When I wake up, it’s half past nine according to the clock on the nightstand. I’m still on the bed, half in and half out of my clothes. Damn—I must have been exhausted. All I’ve been doing for the past week is sleeping and eating and watching TV with my dad. I don’t remember completing my solo session; thank God I was alone! What if I had fallen asleep with Earl Grey going down on me in his Dorm Room of Doom? How would he have “punished” me? I button my jeans and sit up on the bed.
I switch the lamp on. The iPad Earl gave me is sitting on the nightstand. I haven’t touched it in a week, but since Earl hasn’t tried calling me, I doubt he has e-mailed me. Still, I turn it on out of curiosity and find an e-mail. From him.
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From: Earl Grey <earlgrey50@hotmail.com>
Subject: Have a Nice Life
Date: June 6 8:39 AM
To: Anna Steal <annasteal@hotmail.com>
Dear Miss Steal—
It’s been a week since you left me, and I still cannot get over the heartache. You saw me at my most sadistic and most embarrassing, and, as I predicted, I’m one shame too screwed up for you. If we can’t be together, what do I have to live for? A lifetime of buying anything and everything I want with my vast fortune? None of it matters. The only thing I want is you.
Oh, and the latest Apple products. So I guess I want two things in life: you, and the latest Apple products.
And a Guns N’ Roses reunion album. So, that’s three things: you, the latest Apple products, and a Guns N’ Roses reunion album.
No, take off the one about Guns N’ Roses. Their last few records together were just okay, and Axl and Slash’s solo projects have been Crap City, where the hooks are gone and the licks are shitty. I think that was just nostalgia talking. So, the only things I want in life are you and the latest Apple products.
Earl Grey
CEO, The Earl Grey Corporation
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