Because I’m chicken shit, I wait until Wednesday night to ask Zachary to watch Delilah for me on Thursday and I kick myself in the ass for it. If he’s made plans, I can’t ask him to break them. Making friends for him is so important right now. I should have asked yesterday when Jack and I made plans.
Zach’s door is closed when I reach it, but I know he’s awake. He’s a night owl, my boy. Always has been. He likes to sleep late, too, just like his mother did.
I knock softly. “Yeah?” he calls.
I open the door and step in. “Hey, I have a favor to ask.”
He looks away from the book he’s reading that’s placed on his lap, which I’m pretty sure is the driving manual but it’s hard to see in the dark, and meets my eyes. The lamp on his bedside table is on, shining towards him enough so he can read, but all other lights are off.
“What’s up?” he asks, rubbing a hand over his face.
“You know I hate to ask, but can you watch Delilah for a few hours tomorrow night?”
He narrows his eyes at me, crossing his arms over his chest. “Why?”
Shit.
I don’t want to lie to him, but I’m also not sure he’s ready to hear this. Is a year long enough for me to start dating? I’ve kept a lot of what happened between his mother and me from him and his sister, not that he hasn’t figured it out himself.
I decide to tell him a half-truth, embellished just a little.
“I found someone to paint the storefront windows at the studio. He wouldn’t take payment, so I said I’d buy him a drink.”
As the words leave my mouth, a sour taste stays behind. Even without it being an entire lie, I still feel awful for it. I don’t like lying in general, but especially not to my kids. I’ve taught them to always be honest, and—
And suddenly I realize how stupid that sounds, knowing I’ve spent most of my life lying.
“You said a few hours,” he responds, still not giving me a yes or no.
“Yeah, I did.”
“A drink takes that long?” I swear I see the side of his mouth twitch.
Shit, shit, shit.
This is why I don’t lie.
My mouth falls open as I try to find something to say.
“Zachary—”
“Dad, don’t treat me like a child, okay?”
“What?”
“I’m going to be seventeen soon, and I’m not stupid. If you’re going on a date, you can just say it.”
I’m dumbstruck. At a literal loss for words. Am I really that transparent? Letting out a breath, I move towards him and sit on the end of the bed.
“If that were the case, would you be upset?”
“I’d be more upset about you keeping it from me.”
“You’re right, Zachary, I’m sorry. I just… I just know this is a lot. For all of us. I don’t want to overwhelm you or upset you. Your mom—” I run a hand through my hair, cutting off my words. “If you aren’t ready for this, I won’t go.”
He huffs out a laugh. “It’s just a date, Dad, it’s not like you’re getting married or having someone move in.”
“True, but—”
“Dad, just go on the damn date, okay?” He smiles and I return it, once again surprised by how well he’s taking all of this.
“Thanks, Zach.” I get up and move towards the door but stop suddenly. “Oh, and I’ll give you some cash, okay? For babysitting. As long as she’s still in one piece when I get home. And breathing.”
“No promises if you get back past twelve!” he calls after me once I leave the room and I can’t help but smile over the pride I feel. How accepting and supportive my kids are of me. I know I didn’t raise them myself, Chloe was around before a year ago, so I can’t take full credit.
My kids are pretty damn amazing, though.
I head back downstairs to do some cleaning up before I head to bed myself.
I put the rest of the dishes into the dishwasher before starting it, sweep the floors, wipe down the counters and table, and even make a list of all the groceries we’ll need when I go shopping next.
It’s only when I get into my room to prepare for bed that I realize I’m going on a date tomorrow.
And the nerves that come with that thought are worse than what they were over asking Zach to babysit.
I’m going on a date.
I’ve never been on a date. Well, not a date like this.
Chloe and I went on dates when we were younger, but does that count? Are dates really real when you’re in middle school? Of course we went out as adults too, but that was already after a relationship was established.
I suddenly feel nauseous over this entire thing and consider canceling over that alone. I’m going to make a fool of myself. I’m pretty sure of it.
Not only am I going on a date for the first time in my life, but it’s with a man.
And that only adds to my hesitation.
I know for sure this is what I want, but the thought of it all is overwhelming. I’ve never been able to be open about who I am and what I want… How do I start that now? How do I suddenly act like myself after pretending to be someone else all these years?
I’ve always told my kids honesty is the best policy, but wouldn’t all of this that is currently my life be too much on a first date? I’d certainly think so. It comes across as a lot of baggage. And Jack likes to talk, so I don’t think I’d get away with just giving him a basic rundown of my life. I told him I’d tell him what was going on, and that’s what he’s expecting.
Though he was respectful enough to not ask any more questions about my kids when I only shared a little bit, so maybe he only pushes when he feels it’s okay?
Why does this have to be so difficult? It’s a date, and it should be fun. I shouldn’t be freaking out.
Like Zachary said, I’m not getting married. It’s just a date and it will be fun.
I’ll make sure of it.