Our walk along the shore ended at a restaurant with lots of outdoor seating. It was the coldest December day yet, but in Rockport that meant we wore light jackets zipped to our throats.
Over burgers and a shared order of fries, Karl told me about Parsley’s big accident just before Thanksgiving. Something in me went a little sideways, imagining her hurt. Somehow or another, I’d gotten extremely attached to his very good dog. I hated the idea of her hurting.
Back at his place, we dispensed with chatting and were diving into the fun physical stuff when my phone rang. I winced in apology as I answered.
“Cole. What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong with you? You sound breathless.”
“I had to rush to grab the phone before it rang out.” I wrinkled my nose at Karl, who was picking up our clothes out of Parsley’s reach. I wasn’t sure what his return look was, cause I was busy patting my heart down into a more normal rhythm.
It’s not like every time Cole phoned instead of texted it was because he sought my support. But transphobic people got to walk the streets like they weren’t semi-sentient scum, and sometimes that meant awesome people like my brother had to encounter them. All it had taken was a couple of post-encounter calls for Cole’s ringtone to leave me a bit anxious and a lot ready to fight. He’d told me I needed to chill, but my nervous system hadn’t gotten the memo. At any rate, this call wasn’t a call for help.
“Gogo, listen. I want to talk about a couple things. Are you busy? It’s your day off, right?”
I smothered my laugh and sank down to the sofa. Tracing my fingers up and down Karl’s inner arm, I asked him, “You okay if I take this?”
He nodded. “Take your time. I’ll put the kettle on.”
“Why, Margo Adele, what is going on out there?” Cole’s voice was all innuendo and intrigue. “Tell me that’s not the dulcet tones of one Karl McChoirface Moore.”
“Hush up. What are you calling for? And don’t tell me it’s to interrogate me, because you had no idea until now where I would be spending the night.”
Cold flat out chortled. “Gogo girl, you owe me a very long conversation.”
“Okay, okay moving on. What’s happening there?”
Cole took a deep enough breath that my own lungs constricted. “So, first thing: your sub-letter and I had a chat. She’s liking it here so much, she wishes she had the second bedroom so her friend could move in.”
I just blinked. “Um?”
“Hear me out, okay? Maybe this choir director you’re doing will make the decision a little easier for you, but Margo, listen. I’m leaving.”
Now my heart and lungs were churning like they’d been caught in a riptide. “You’re what?”
“You remember that job with InFront Advocacy?”
I made some kind of positive noise, just waiting for Cole to continue. He’d mentioned it as the kind of social policy he hoped he could do one day, once he had enough experience, but had brushed me off when I’d suggested he apply. Said he wasn’t qualified yet. “You applied?”
His laugh was a little wild. “That’s the thing, Gogo. I didn’t. They sought me out. I guess Nina knows somebody over there. At some point, she told them about me, and when they were reviewing applications, the HR director remembered me and reached out to Nina to see if I’d be interested.”
“Cole, oh my God.”
“I know. It’s so wild. I’ve been, like, reviewing the paperwork and trying to get my head around it. There’s a relocation package, Margo. Imagine that—they’re paying me to move.”
He kept talking compensation and benefits and nine thousand other things I was so glad for him about. But … “Cole?”
He hummed encouragement. He knew me as well as I knew myself, so he knew what was coming.
“When did all this happen?” My voice absolutely did not crack.
After a moment, quietly but firmly, he spoke again. “I needed to do it all myself. Margo. I needed it to be my negotiations, my pro-con list. My decision.”
I was nodding, not that he could see me, but it seemed necessary. Like I could convince my hurt and anger to subside and make room for all my happiness for him. “I get it. I do. And I never want to get in the way of your accomplishments. You know that, right? I’m so proud of you. I know you’re proud of yourself.”
“I am.” I could almost see his own nods from the hundreds of miles separating us. “I really am.”
“So, good job. When do you start?”
“January third. That’s why I want to figure out the sublet as soon as possible.”
“Oh right. Okay. Okay, it’s great, actually. She can bring in her friend in, then we can see about getting the lease transferred to their names. That way we’ll be in the clear when we move.”
“Gogo.”
I hated the kindness in his voice, but I could only talk about logistics for so long while he tried to interrupt me. I swallowed back my words, and swallowed back my tears while I was at it. I needed him to say it, but it wasn’t like I didn’t know.
How many times had he told me? “We don’t need each other, Gogo.” And we both knew he was right. Neither of us was escaping a town full of disapproval anymore. We’d stood up for each other and, in the process, learned to stand up for ourselves.
But, somehow, I never let myself believe that Cole not needing me could mean us living in far different cities.
I took as deep a breath as I could manage, squeezing my eyes shut. “So. January?”
“Listen, you don’t even have to come back, if you decide to stay in Rockport. To take Uncle Bill’s job or whatever else. I can have the movers send your stuff down there, and we can do the rental paperwork remotely. But, Gogo, I’m moving to Philly on my own. Tell everyone they can buy me scarves and boots for Christmas, cause I’ll need all the layers. But I also need to show up in Philly as Cole Dunway, independent man. I need to be in a place where no one’s seen my awkward transition beard. And with people I won’t be default to leaning on if I get scared. I love you, little sis, but if you’re with me, I’m not relying on myself the way I need.”
My tears were fully streaming now. Karl set a mug of tea beside me, and a box of tissues, and said something quiet to Parsley.
She hopped up beside me and pressed her weight against my side, licking my hand once, but not in her ‘please scratch me immediately because no one has ever before lavished attention on me’ way. Karl leaned over to kiss the crown of my head and tilted his head down the hall.
“Gogo? You there?”
I sniffed, then gave in and blew my nose loudly. It wasn’t like either Karl or Cole didn’t know I was crying. “I’m here.”
“Listen, you’re going to have to get over your thing of imagining the worst conclusion when I phone, because I’m going to be calling you all the time to just, you know, complain about the dirty snow, or how there’s no H-E-B in Pennsylvania.”
“Or to tell me about your Gritty sightings.”
“And which cheesesteak place really is the best.”
“How many tourists are taking Rocky-on-the-steps photos.”
“What books I’ll find at Giovanni’s Room.”
“Oh, shit.” I blew my nose again. “I can’t wait to visit you up there.”
“I’m told it stops snowing by the end of March.”
Parsley bumped her nose at me, and I obliged by stroking her ears. She wasn’t quite content with that, according to her paw on my thigh, so I leveled up to scratching under her collar. “Okay, April first or so, be sure you have my guest bed ready.”
“It’ll be the same sofa we have now, Margo. If you think I’m leaving that beauty behind for sub-letters …”
“But I like your sofa. Where am I supposed to flop down after dealing with too much traffic?”
“Two words: relocation package. I don’t even have to find the movers myself. Say goodbye to the coffee table and the good desk chair, too. If you want, though, I’ll leave you that wobbly bookcase.”
“I’m hanging up on you now.” I didn’t want to sulk to Cole about how inconvenient it suddenly was that he’d been the one who’d refurnished our apartment last year. It wasn’t his problem to navigate.
“I’m sure you’ll find comfort in the arms of some local cutie. Speaking of which, why haven’t you shared one hint of this situation with me yet? Last you told me, he was absolved from the sin of disrespecting you, but now you’re, what, making him do penance in the bedroom?”
“It’s temporary.” With any luck, my dismissive tone hid my guilt for not telling him about Karl earlier. I’d definitely had time to share, and I hadn’t, and that wasn’t anything I cared to examine.
“But is it hot?”
I glanced over my shoulder to the clear coast of an empty hallway. “So goddamn hot. Like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Hmmm. Well, I won’t tell you how to live your life, but he seems like the kind of guy who fixes wobbly bookcases, if you know what I mean. And, Gogo, seriously: it wouldn’t be any kind of failure to your life of adventure if you let yourself stay there a while. See what happens.”
“Sounds like you’re telling me how to live my life, Cole.”
He laughed. “Big brother prerogative. Just … think about it, okay?”
We said our goodbyes, and I blew my nose one last time. Parsley sighed and rested her head on my lap. I sipped my perfectly brewed tea. Everything was so comforting, and so easy. It scared the hell out of me, how I risked falling into the ease of things like Bill’s job, and this sweet dog, and a thoughtful lover, instead of making decisions for myself.
That wasn’t what I wanted at all.