My struggles with the War Department exhausted me. They want receipts for everything, and I cannot provide them. I wrote numerous drafts on the treasury, every one of them to purchase essentials, wasting not a penny, and yet I was treated as if it had been my intent to skin the government. En route, I traded my officer’s coat to some Indians for a canoe and wish to be reimbursed; how shall I receipt that?
I left Washington as soon as I could to escape the steamy heat, intending to improve my health at Locust Hill. The air of Albemarle County is better. It is November now but the ague still afflicts me, and just when I feel I am past it I am besieged once again with the usual chills, shakes, fever, and sweats. As soon as I arrived here, much to my delight, my mother began administering the cinchona bark extract that abates the intermittent fever, and supplemented with those simples for which she is so renowned in Albemarle County. I have in addition the services of my brother Reuben, who in my absence had completed his medical training. They have steadily nursed me back to some sort of health, though I remain oddly indisposed and afflicted with a melancholy.
She doses me every two hours with a tea decocted from the bark of yellow birch, sweet flag, thoroughwort, and tansy, boiled and then mixed with sweet wine. Her other remedy is distilled from burdock, narrow dock, yarrow, knotgrass, cleavers, bloodroot, Jacob’s ladder, and wormwood, boiled in rainwater. Of this I am to take all that my stomach will bear.
When I was able, I rode to Monticello and discussed Upper Louisiana with Mr. Jefferson. I promised him a paper detailing my observations about the economic potential of the territory and the nature of the tribes inhabiting it. I work on it desultorily, every word wrenched from my brain.
Mr. Bates, the territorial secretary serving as governor until I should arrive in St. Louis, writes flattering and alarming letters, urging me to hasten west to my post because, he explains, the turbulent territory needs a governor’s authority which he cannot provide. I will go when I can; but now I must enhance my health and vigor, and where better than in the hands of my two physicians?
Mr. Conrad petitions me for the edited journal pages, so he can begin work. I have not yet started, and do not quite know why I keep putting off the task. Mr. Jefferson presses me on every occasion, reminding me how important the publication of the journals is to several branches of science. And to the nation, and I might add, to his administration. He regards the expedition as the crown jewel of his two terms, but it will require the publication of our journals to persuade his adversaries, the Federalists, that there was much good gotten from the trip.
I have looked over Captain Clark’s entries, and mine, and they bring back a host of memories, struggles and triumphs, matters that only he and I know about, things barely hinted at in the pages. I dread to touch any of it. The whole task of editing those journals is so formidable it seems worse than the trip itself. Shall I correct our field notes or leave them intact? How much should I alter the original? What should be cut out? What is not for the public eye?
All these matters swim in my head. I have tried twenty times to begin; to take the first of the bound journals and simply begin copying in an orderly manner, dates, places, times, observations, men, equipment, miles traveled, solar and weather data, plants discovered, sickness, equipment failures. All of it. I spread some foolscap before me, dip the nib of my pen into the inkpot, and then do nothing. I cannot explain it. I wish this task might be lifted from me, but the thought of that afflicts me because then I could not control what is used, what is not, and decide whether some things might best be rewritten.
At first I supposed I was troubled simply by the fierce desire to make the journals perfect; that I was simply paralyzed by the cry of soul that insists that my task must be to make the flawed flawless, the insipid fascinating, the obscure clear, the language precise and accurate. Now, after numerous attempts to start the great work, I simply don’t know, and with each effort, I find myself less willing to proceed. I am disappointing Mr. Jefferson, Will Clark, the publishers, and everyone at the American Philosophical Society.
And the more I sense their disappointment, as time drags by, the worse I suffer. Captain Clark expects half the profit. The society expects a treasury of new information. The government expects maps and an understanding of the tribes and a substantiated claim upon unexplored lands.
And here I am, with more burdens pressing me than I can endure, sinking deeper into melancholia each day. I do not know what to do. Time has slowed to a halt. I am the governor of a territory several hundred miles distant, but here I languish.
Maybe in St. Louis I will do better.
My mother keeps a shrewd eye on me, but stays apart because I am not in the mood for company. She is the model of all womanhood, and I despair of finding a mate who can even approach her graces and learning and ability. I am constantly invited to balls and banquets all over Virginia, and I accept some, though my heart is not in the social life. I have been toasted and honored too many times, if such a thing is possible. I attend these affairs, so that the world might see the explorer in the flesh, and drink their toasts, and return to Locust Hill all the more melancholic.
At Captain Clark’s behest, I traveled to Fincastle, near Roanoke, to visit Julia Hancock and to meet some of the young women he thought I might find attractive. I have met more women in the past months than I can count, but they all fall short one way or another. I am fussy. If an eligible young woman is not serious, and cannot address me on the terms of my own thinking, then I find little of interest in her, and she drifts into the arms of someone else.
At Fincastle, while a guest of Colonel Hancock, I finally discovered a young woman who filled the bill, so far as I could see. Certainly Letitia Breckenridge is a comely damsel, of exceptional beauty and quickness. I met her and her sister Elizabeth by design, for Will had paved the way. They are daughters of General James Breckenridge, and thus well suited to my social requirements.
I well remember when we met; the nankeen dress, the subdued intelligent gaze from hazel eyes, the seriousness she displayed, unlike her more boisterous sister. She did not then know that I would court her; the whole had been artfully arranged by Colonel Hancock so as to appear to be a Sabbath stroll, taking the air while the weather held.
By then they were calling me “your excellency,” or “governor,” and all that, so I had the advantage, and made haste to pace beside her on a stroll along a shady lane that led into the hazy hills, and thus engaged, made inquiry into her nature. She did not measure up in terms of education, but no woman does, and I assumed that she would be too busy rearing a family to pursue scholarship further. She had a sublime form, which the shifting gold muslin, a lovely autumnal color that complemented her bold beauty, sometimes revealed to me as we strolled.
“Your Excellency, when you are quit of St. Louis, what will you do?” she asked.
“I am thinking of high office,” I replied. “Often I ask myself the same thing. Just now, I wrestle with a paper that distills everything I have learned of the Western country for the edification of Mr. Jefferson and future presidents. But that’s just the beginning, you know. Here I am, at thirty-five, and known from top to bottom. I am thinking that the Democratic-Republicans may call upon me, and so I regard my tenure in office as a sampler, Miss Letitia.”
“Call upon you?”
“I am a simple man, much given to philosophy, and my predilection is to return and look after my mother, and care for Locust Hill. But if duty calls, I will be ready.”
“I see,” she said.
I inquired of course into her political views, and found them appropriately republican, at least as someone in her female estate might grasp the term. I discerned that she was exploring me, as well, inquiring into my plans, how long I should reside in distant St. Louis, and whether I had slaves. I confessed that I had none as personal property, but I oversaw the estate of my mother, who possessed many, and was therefore familiar with the handling of them.
I found myself coming to life at last, after so long a hibernation, and when we returned to the Hancock home I raised a toast to her and the happy future, and then several more. She flushed, and this time her gaze was averted. I could not tell how I was affecting her, but knew that I would pursue her.
I had seen a President’s House devoid of its mistress, and while the vivacious Dolley Madison, wife of dapper James Madison, served admirably for Mr. Jefferson, the president’s society wanted that domestic touch. I eyed the lady beside me with that in mind, and I fancied that Letitia understood the matter.
Her father collected her in time to drive his carriage home after an afternoon’s repast, and I raised a last toast to her, her sister, and her illustrious father before settling them in their carriage. I spent the next days in a reverie. Here was a woman I might propose to; in most respects suitable, and one to stir my blood. I had been smitten many times since returning from the West, but in the end, all of those damsels were unsuitable. Letitia was suitable. I proposed to call on her in a day or two.
But Fate intervened. When I did ride to the Breckenridge estate, some miles distant, I discovered that Miss Letitia had gone to Richmond with her father and would be away for some while. I grieved, and then put it out of mind. I never should have confided my ambition to her. But I am too serious a man to waste feeling on a disappointment of the heart. I considered Elizabeth, but set it aside. She was not adequately serious.
I languished unwell in Ivy this autumn, uncertain what was eroding my health. My discerning mother eyed me sharply from time to time, and once even inquired if I was well. I assured her I was, and yet I was much fatigued and in a distemper. I resolved to see my friend and companion of the trail General Clark married in Fincastle in January, and then be on my way west, though I would be traveling in winter. The general would honeymoon and then join me in St. Louis, where by arrangement I would board with them.
I completed my lengthy treatise on the West, which I presumed would form the foundation of Indian and fur-trade policy for the next twenty years, and fell into one of my moods again. I do not know why I was able to write ten thousand words with fierce discipline, yet am stymied every time I open my journals. Is it because the journals are mostly Will’s? Or is it because the whole world awaits their publication?
It was then, nearing the end of November, that Mrs. Marks, the legendary healer of Albemarle County, called me into her drawing room, and into the aura of the tile-clad stove.
“You are still unwell,” she said. “Indisposed. Fevers.”
“It is only the ague.”
“Yes, the ague,” she said. “But the weather has turned.”
“I am in perfect health; just a little of the intermittent fever now and then.”
“You wander the plantation, doing nothing, writing nothing. Are you troubled, Meriwether?”
“Not a bit!”
“Thirty-five and a bachelor.”
Her candor shocked me. “I simply am unlucky,” I replied testily. I did not want her sympathy. Letitia Breckenridge had fled, for whatever reason, and I hadn’t met another I cared about more than a day or two.
“When are you going to St. Louis?” she asked.
“When I am ready!”
“You were appointed in March; now the year has passed.”
“I have things to do here.”
She asked me to draw close, and ran her experienced hand over my face and neck, discovered some gummy thickening of the flesh on my forehead, and along the jawline, lumps so subtle I had not been aware of them myself until her fingers found them.
“Let me see your arms and hands, Meriwether.”
I undid my sleeves, and pushed them up. She examined my arms, her gaze pausing at the arciform red-stained scars there.
“Your hands?”
I extended them to her, filled with a nameless and terrible dread, a pit of horror whose jaws were opening wider and wider as the minutes fled by.
She studied the palms, turned them over and examined the backs. I saw nothing amiss with them. But she traced her finger over a discolored area.
“There, you see? I am fit as a fiddle.”
“Meriwether,” she said, “I am here only to help, not judge a son whose life has taken him so far from the comforts of civilization and religion. It is necessary to begin a course of mercury immediately, and I have some simples, my wandering Meriwether, that will relieve you. The venereal is far advanced.”