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Maelie
Maelie cried all the way home, she cried all day, and she cried even more when his text came through the next morning. Her heart cried out for her to call him, text him, to let him know she loved him, but she simply shut her phone off and pulled the covers back over her head.
Jessie tried to rouse her from her bed that afternoon but had no luck. She couldn’t understand why Maelie broke up with him and simply asked, “You didn’t want to give him even a chance?” Which just made her cry harder.
She couldn’t explain how she knew in her bones that he would slowly forget her, and that was something she truly wouldn’t survive. Making the break herself was easier in the long run, even if it was killing her now.
Over the next few days, Maelie discovered that teaching with one’s heart ripped out was the hardest thing she had ever tried to do. Especially when the silence from the empty room next door seemed to mock her the entire night.
She hadn’t heard from him since he’d arrived in Tokyo, and she didn’t know whether to be relieved or hurt. Part of her still wished he would have fought for her a little more, even though she realized she hadn’t given him the opportunity to do so.
No one was to blame for her heartbreak but herself. It had been clear from the beginning that he wasn’t going to stick around, and if she had been smart, she would have protected her heart from the get-go and not gotten involved at all.
To make matters so much worse, her father had taken to calling her every day to make sure she was going to audition for the Phil. The threat to take Betsy was always the first thing out of his mouth. He had even spoken to his lawyer about it should she want to do anything stupid. She felt defeated. She couldn’t handle losing anything else.
A week after Sebastian had flown out of her life, she couldn’t take it anymore. After a sleepless night, she dragged her body out to the kitchen and slumped into a kitchen chair. She was a shell; she hadn’t showered in three days and she was pretty sure she still had on the same shirt she had been wearing at lessons the night before.
Jessie was making coffee and looked at her with concern in her eyes. “Mae, I’m worried about you.”
She shrugged and crumpled onto the table. All of her motivation was gone, everything that made her happy before made her feel numb. “I give up, Jess.” Her breath fogged the polish on the table. “I’m just going to do it.”
Jessie paused, eyes wide, clearly concerned about the next sentence.
“I’m just going to go audition. If I make it in, I’ll stay in New York for a year, and then, if I feel like it, I’ll come back.” She let out a heavy sigh. “I just don’t want to fight anymore.”
“Oh, Mae.” Jessie’s voice was soft. She put the coffee down and sat in the chair next to her. She rubbed her back and pulled her into a hug. “I’m so sorry you’re hurting so much.”
“It’s my own fault. I should have known I would manage to ruin everything.”
“Have you heard from him?” Jessie asked, clearly sensing what was hurting her more.
She shook her head and felt the never-ending parade of tears push against the back of her eyes for the thousandth time since he left.
“Have you tried to contact him?”
She shook her head again, and her tears started to fall silently. She had sat with the phone in her hands, ready to call or text countless times a day. But she didn’t know what she would do if she heard his voice again. It would surely destroy her.
“Jess,” she sobbed, giving in to her tears, letting her friend pull her into her arms. “It hurts so much.”
“I know,” she soothed, rocking her slightly. “I know.”
When she pulled away from her, she wiped her nose on the sleeve of her dirty shirt. “What should I do, Jess?”
Her friend pursed her lips together. “Mae, you know I can’t tell you what to do, you have to listen to your heart.”
“But my heart just hurts all the time. I feel like it’s not even there anymore.”
Jessie was too nice to point out that she had done the damage to herself, but Maelie could read it in her face. “It will get better, every day, little by little.”
Mae didn’t think she would survive it. “What do I do about New York?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know.” She was fully aware she was being ridiculous. “I don’t want to go, I don’t want to give in to my father, but I don’t think I can stay here either. Plus, if I lose Betsy too ...”
Jessie took a deep breath and thought about it for a few moments. “I don’t think there is any harm in at least going to the audition. You never know, the audition could be enough to appease your dad. At the very least, maybe he’ll be willing to negotiate.”
“True,” she felt the first pinprick of hope in her darkness. Too busy living in the heartache she’d created, she hadn’t been practicing for an audition the way someone should. But she had a week, if she practiced nonstop, there was a tiny chance she could pull it off.
“Okay,” she decided, feeling a little bit more like herself. “I think I’m going to do it.” She sat up straighter. “It will take a lot of practice, but I mean, if I’m going to do it, I might as well actually do it.”
Jess smiled at her. “There’s my girl.”
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Sebastian
The first week in Tokyo was the longest week of Sebastian’s life. He couldn’t sleep, he wasn’t eating much. All he could do when he wasn’t rehearsing with the guys was think about Mae. She haunted him everywhere he went, and he nearly texted her fifty times a day.
He tried to be his usual self around the band, but even they were starting to get concerned about his lack of interest in anything. It really was good to be back with the guys, but he felt like an imposter trying to play the role of Seb Adams.
The truth was, the gaping hole Maelie had left just refused to fill.
Music had always done the job in the past. Alcohol too. But now it was Maelie Barre he was addicted to, and she had cut him off so coldly, it still made his head spin.
All of his hopes for recovery were pinned on their first show on Friday. Being back on stage, hearing the crowd roar, shredding his solos in front of thousands of people ... that was what he lived for, that was what was going to finally pull him out of this.
Then maybe he would understand what had happened because, for the life of him, he still didn’t have a clue why she had ended it or why she would want to destroy him as she had. Did she even care? Was she even hurting at all? Imagining her living life as if nothing happened would send him reeling whenever he thought about it.
By the time Friday rolled around, the band was as tight as they had ever been and were playing so fucking good that Seb finally felt a pinprick of joy. It was small, but it made him hopeful.
“God, I’m so glad you’re back,” Jerry told him after their last rehearsal. “We just don’t sound the same without you.”
“It’s good to be back.” He wished he was feeling the excitement he had always imagined he would feel on his return. It felt like Maelie had taken that from him. “This show is going to be on fire.”
Jerry grinned. “You shred that solo like you did today, you’ll light the place up, man, no doubt.”
After leaving Jerry, Seb spent the rest of the day wandering around the city enjoying it, but not really feeling the culture. It would be fine after tonight, he told himself. After he was in the groove of performing again, everything would fall back into place.
He mused about how different he was the last time the band had been in Tokyo. Back then it was all about saké, food, and lots of women. Now he took long walks like an eighty-year-old man and thought about days past.
He would have felt sad had he the ability to feel anything.
As he piled into the van with the boys for the show that night, he felt a small rush of excitement. But it wasn’t the Niagara Falls of exhilaration he’d expected. Hell, it barely lifted the fog, and it certainly wasn’t enough to make him join the lively conversation going on around him. He had never felt so profoundly alone surrounded by people.
He smiled as he went through the motions in the dressing room, waiting for the old excitement to kick in. He looked the part, he played the part, even cracked a joke or two. But when he looked in the mirror, even he could see he was completely hollow on the inside.
It was fine, he told himself as he pulled his neck strap over his head, once he was on stage, BOOM.
But it never happened. The roar of the crowd was nice—playing amazing music with the best jazz musicians in the world was excellent; playing his solos so well Jerry let out an “all right” felt good. But it wasn’t enough to fill the void.
By the time the show wrapped up, he felt even more numb than before, and it was terrifying. He was frightened by how easy it had been for him to play perfectly without feeling like he was even there. That was not why he was a musician. Going through the motions was never something he did, he needed to feel it.
As he packed up his horn after the show and all the guys patted him on the shoulder with a “Good job,” and “Nice to have you back,” he felt a deep panic building in his stomach. If playing didn’t bring him joy anymore, what was he going to do?
“You all right, man?” Jerry asked after everyone else had left the dressing room. “I mean, you played great, but it seemed like you weren’t really there.”
Seb shrugged and didn’t meet his eye. “I think it’s just a shock to the system to be back.” He latched his case.
“Nope. That’s not it, man. You’ve been sad all fucking week. Let me guess ...” Jerry thought for a moment before coming back with, “You left a girl back in Chicago?”
The thought of Maelie hit him so hard in the chest he almost cried out.
Even though he didn’t answer, Jerry knew he had guessed right. “I was afraid of that.” He shook his head. “Never thought I’d see the day when Seb Adams was moping over a girl.”
But it wasn’t just any girl. Maelie was ... Shit, she was his everything.
“Oh, shit.” Jerry sat down in the chair next to where Seb was standing. “You’re in love, aren’t you?”
Seb made a face at how ridiculous that sounded but quickly realized it wasn’t ridiculous at all. “Actually”—he turned slowly to look at his friend with shock in his eyes—“I think I might be.”
Jerry let out a laugh and clapped his hands together. “Well, that is all the proof I need that miracles happen.” He settled back into his chair. “Well, tell me about her. I bet she’s missing you too.”
“I don’t know.” He sank into the chair next to Jerry. “She broke it off with me before I left.”
“Oh, shit. I’m sorry, man.”
Oh, shit, indeed. “I didn’t see it coming,” he admitted. “She totally threw it at me from nowhere, and then all of the sudden I was on a plane and then here. I still don’t know exactly how I got here.”
“Well, it’s been my experience that women rarely do anything out of nowhere,” Jerry told him. “I bet if you thought about it, you might find some clues that it was coming.”
He shook his head and started to say no, but then slowly realized that he was wrong. There had been signs. She hadn’t been spending all her time with him, she hadn’t been texting him as much, and when they were together, she had this sad look deep in her eyes. Even when she was smiling, it was like it didn’t quite reach her eyes. It had all started with the phone call from Jerry.
“Shit.” He crumpled in his chair. “I think you might be right.” Goddamn it, why hadn’t he paid more attention?
And why hadn’t she hadn’t said something or voiced her opinion? But then again, she was a musician, she understood this was his calling. She cut it off so he could follow his dream without being encumbered by her. And he had never taken the time to explain to her that she could never be an encumbrance, that he needed her. That he loved her.
“Fuck, Jerry.” He lifted his head with wide eyes. “I think I really fucked up.”
“I’m sure you did,” his friend drawled, slightly amused by the situation but too kind of a friend to push it. “So, what are you going to do about it?”
He shrugged and collapsed back in the chair. “I think,” he said slowly, an idea forming in his mind. “I think I need to go to her.”
“Then fucking go to her.”
“Really?” He was shocked that Jerry would agree.
“Fuck yeah, man, this is just a band, and we’ll still be here if and when you want to come back, but trust me, love doesn’t actually come around all that often, and you should take this chance. Besides, you’re not really the same Seb Adams that you used to be. You sound great,” he assured him, “but you’re so fucking depressing.”
Letting out a surprised laugh, Seb recovered with a slow, thoughtful breath. It seemed crazy to turn around and go home after one show when he had been waiting every day to get there in the first place.
But Jerry was right, and he didn’t want to live his life without Maelie. The thought of never seeing her again cut him nearly in two.
“Okay.” His voice came out a little louder, a little more confident. “I’m going to do it.” He pushed himself out of his chair.
“That’s right.” Jerry smiled. “Go get your girl.”