The first time I failed the college entrance exams, I shed so many tears. Pa wiped away my tears with his big roughened hands and said: “Son, let’s not cry. Let’s review again and review well and test well next year, ah?”
The second time I failed the college entrance exams, I shed so many tears. Pa wiped away my tears with his big roughened hands and said: “Son, let’s not cry. Let’s review again and review well and test well next year, ah?”
The third time I failed the college entrance exams, I shed so many tears. I said to Pa: “Pa, I don’t want to take the exams any more. I am stupid, so stupid. I will never pass the exams and go to college.”
Pa wiped away the tears on my face with his big roughened hands and said: “Son, let’s not cry. Let’s review again and review well and test well next year, ah?”
With that Pa squatted down and sobbed. He said while sobbing: “Son, you aren’t stupid. You are like your ma, not stupid at all. You shall go to college.”
True, my mother was not stupid at all. When she was tired of the hard life in the mountains she left quietly, without saying goodbye. Pa had never blamed Ma for this. He said: “Son, it’s all your pa’s fault ’cause Pa had no money for your ma’s illness. That’s why she left us.”
Life during those days was the hardest. To pay for me repeating school, Pa worked all kinds of odd jobs from sunrise to sunset and wouldn’t spend a cent for himself, even for food or clothing. His hair grayed fast and his hands, like sandpaper, would produce a grinding noise when touching a stone, or rustling noise when touching a table. When they touched my face, there was no rustling noise. My face would burn as if on fire.
My situation wasn’t much better than Pa’s. Like my grades, my mood went from bad to worse. I began to develop a phobia for college entrance exams. Sometimes I envied my mother lying there alone on the hillside, free from worldly worries. Wouldn’t that be nice!
This year I had to succeed in the college entrance exams. I dared not fail. If I failed, it would be too much for Pa. He might not be able to get over it.
Yet, how could I succeed?
I hurried to school when I heard that the college entrance exam results were available. I took one glance and fainted. My teacher and classmates carried me to the hospital where I lay for a long time before I came to. I cried like heaven had fallen. I felt I had no face to go home and see Pa. I felt I must be the world’s No. 1 stupid donkey. With each additional year at school my college entrance exam grades went lower. I felt I should die to end it all.
When I got home in the evening, Pa prepared a table of delicious food and bought a bottle of liquor. He must have slaughtered our big rooster, too. As to where he had got that brown carp I didn’t know.
I didn’t know why Pa wanted to prepare this table of food. It was neither the New Year’s nor any holiday. What was going on?
Pa opened the bottle, poured two cups, and said: “Come, let’s drink a few cups together. Pa and Son.”
I took the cup without a word and drank.
Pa said, “So, son, how did you do this year?”
To my own surprise I blurted out: “Not bad. Should be enough to make it.”
Pa grinned and chuckled happily. He said, “I sought out a fortune teller. He said you would make it. So I figured you would make it. Okay, let’s drink another cup.”
I gulped down another cup. Tears trickled down my cheeks and smeared against my face.
Pa chuckled happily again: “Son, what is it?”
I wiped my face with my hand left and right and said: “I’m too . . . too happy.”
When the college admission cutoffs were available, I went to school and walked around it once, businesslike, without stepping inside its gate and then came straight home. I said to Pa, “My scores are quite a bit above the cutoffs. I might even get into a good university.”
Pa nodded with a big smile on his face, “Good, good.”
Time passed but my lie lived on. I didn’t dare tell Pa the truth. I was afraid the truth might cost him his old life.
Some time later I received my university admission notice. Not bad indeed. I was accepted by Liaoning University. I had had the notice made by a typing service in the county town, the seal I had made myself with a potato. I had seen many university admission notices and thought I had done a decent job forging one for myself.
I decided that in a few days I would pretend to go to college while in reality I would try to find a job. I wouldn’t ask Pa to send me money for tuition and expenses. I would tell him I made good money working while going to school in Shenyang. I might even send Pa money every month because I didn’t want him to live that kind of hard life any more. Then, all I needed to do at the end of the four years was to buy a fake diploma and show it to Pa once. Everything would be fine.
When I showed the admission notice to Pa, he was thrilled. He went from neighbor to neighbor to tell the folks the good news. Pa used to be a man of few words, yet for the next few days he would chatter non-stop to anyone he ran into as if he wanted to spit out the words of a lifetime.
I even saw Pa talking to two small toddlers: “You should study hard. That way you will grow up to be like my son: going to university in Shenyang!”
Pa had such a stern look on his face that the two kids stared at him, looking confused, and all of a sudden burst out crying.
I felt very bad. Really bad. I hated myself.
A few days ago I came to Shenyang and found Liaoning University. There, at the university’s entrance, I had a picture taken. The photographer was a pro from a photography studio nearby, which cost me twice as much as would have otherwise.
After sending Pa the picture, I went to the job market to look for something to do.
My university life began.
(2003)