Ladies and Gentlemen:
I am here to solemnly recommend to you a book entitled Mark Twain’s Humorous Speeches.
This is a fantastic and sure-fire guide to wealth and good fortune. Bao Yugang, Li Jiacheng, Greek shipping tycoons, and top CEOs of American Big Three Auto, you name it, they all read this book when they were young and are still benefiting from it today. That’s how they became billionaires. Remember the saying: In books are embedded gold houses? It is this book they are talking about. Truth be told, before I was halfway through the book I was already making 240,000 yuan playing the stock market, and 1.6 million yuan buying and selling foreign currencies. The most amazing thing about this book is that it also teaches how to evade taxes so that your success in the business world is guaranteed left and right and whichever way.
What? I beg your pardon? Mark Twain is an American author? This book has nothing to do with business and economy? Says who? Please stand up! Who? Please stand up!
I am shocked! Someone among you has the audacity to say Mark Twain is an American author? That’s the most ridiculous joke I’ve ever heard! What is Mark? You don’t even know this? Mark is German currency! I repeat: It is German currency! American currency is U.S. Dollars, French currency is Francs, British currency is Pounds, German currency is Marks! Don’t you know this?
So, Mark is German currency. What about Twain? What? You don’t even know what Twain is? Are you serious? “Tw” means “two” and “ain” means “one.” So “Mark Twain” means “21 Marks,” which, going by the current official exchange rate, is equal to over 100 yuan. This book is a collection of speeches authored by 21 German Marks.
How could the Mark speak? I assume that everybody here knows that Mark is currency; currency means money. In the old days we listened to whoever had power. Nowadays we listen to whoever has money. If money can’t talk, how can it make people listen to it? Money is quite a gifted speaker. It speaks not only Chinese, but also English, French, German, Japanese, even Esperanto. In the world we live in today, money is the most gifted speaker, and the most authoritative speaker. Since money is the most gifted and most authoritative speaker, naturally it delivers the best speeches. It not only delivers speeches, but issues orders as well. Indeed the magic power of money is boundless: It can reach heaven; it can talk to spirits; it can buy power; it can take you to your lover’s bed.
Yes, those who have money can make ghosts talk; those who have money, even if they are sons of turtles, can sit on the throne; those who have money can say the dead are still alive; those who have money are always right even when they are dead wrong. Store owners sell counterfeit goods to make money. Officials sell official seals to make money. Professors sell steamed buns to make money. Girls take their clothes off to make money. In the presence of the national money-making campaign I can’t help but sing at the top of my lungs: “Arise! All who refuse to be slaves! Let our flesh and blood become our new Great Mall! As the Chinese nation faces its greatest greed. The thundering roar of our people will be heard! Hand over! Hand over! Hand over! . . . ”[19]
Hand over what? Money, of course! Other people hand over the money in their wallet so it becomes money in our wallet.
Alright, I apologize for getting carried away. However, how can I help but sing joyfully when we are talking about money, the most exciting, most thrilling topic in the entire universe?
Now, let me get back to the main topic today. To sum up, this book is a collection of speeches by 21 Marks. It’s a precious book that will teach you how to use 21 Marks as the seed money to make profit instantaneously, to strike it rich right away, to become a fat cat soon, and to finally sit atop a mountain of glowing wealth. No, this is not the Little Red Book of the Cultural Revolution, but the Little Golden Book of the market economy. Right now bookstores all over the country are pitching books on how to get rich fast: Money-Making Magic in Three Minutes; World’s Ten Greatest Tycoons and Their Secrets to Wealth; Smart Businessmen’s Smarts; How to Become Rich Overnight, and so on. These books are hot and have brought truckloads of money for the bookstores. But I have to warn everyone that their potential is limited because they are all patchwork books and hence not well respected at all. Indeed they pale miserably when compared to the book I am solemnly promoting to you today. What I am solemnly promoting to you today, Mark Twain’s Humorous Speeches, is a classic among books of this kind. Its author is a great master, a great great-master, a great great-great-master, a great great-great-great-master . . . he is Mark . . . Marks, the very same Marks who authored that great classic Das Kapital!
The listed price for this book is extraordinary, too. Since it is a collection of speeches by 21 Marks, its price is, naturally, 21 Marks, which, according to today’s exchange rate, is 114 yuan and 23 cents. This price of 21 Marks will never change so it is immune to economic crises and inflation. It is 21 Marks no matter when and no matter which country. So, all of you here today, if you are interested, please get your money ready. We’ll award prizes for every thousand copies sold. The top prize is the title of Chairman of Board of Trustees of a Sino-German joint venture with assets of 2 million yuan; the second prize is an extravagant one-month vacation in Germany; the third prize is 2,100 Marks. The award ceremony will be attended by the mayor and German Ambassador!
If anyone is curious how I could have given such a hilarious speech, as I just did, my reply would be: “My source of inspiration is my favorite author Mark Twain and this collection of his famous speeches.”
(1993)