The funeral for Deputy Mayor Zhou wasn’t solemn at all. By the way, he had died in a car accident on an inspection tour to the villages.
Inside the grand funeral home in the Southern Suburbs gathered a large throng of the late Deputy Mayor Zhou’s family, relatives, and subordinates. Some tried in vain to wipe away their tears; some cried with abandon; some did their best to put on a sad face. The only genuine tears, though, were those shed by the late deputy mayor’s own family. Several young kids, not appreciating the meaning of the occasion, giggled and chased each other through the cracks between grownups, who gave them a dirty look and told them to get lost.
The late Deputy Mayor Zhou himself, however, was lying quietly in the crystal casket, a healthy glow on his face, as if he had just finished delivering an important speech and was taking a noon nap, as had been his habit. There was not a single sign of pain. Around him were placed flowers with elegiac strips. Inside the big picture, framed with black cloth, he smiled solemnly.
Somehow the Master of Ceremonies today was Director Teng of the Propaganda Department, who was near retirement and stuttered badly. A black band on his right arm, a little white flower, already flattened, on his chest, Director Teng rubbed his eyes hard. No tears came out, but the eyes were reddened for sure. He scanned the throng enthralled in sadness and craned so that his mouth reached the mike about half a head taller than he was, and announced solemnly, and slowly:
“La . . . ladies . . . and . . . gen . . . gentle . . . men; dis . . . disting . . . guished gue . . . guests . . . dig . . . digni . . . taries. I . . . here . . . by announce . . . that . . . the . . . fu . . . funeral for Deputy May . . . Mayor Zhou be . . . gins.”
He paused and by force of habit clapped his hands.
“On be . . . half of . . . Deputy May . . . or Zhou, I ex . . . tend my hearty gra . . . titude to all the dis . . . disting . . . guished gue . . . guests . . . and fri . . . friends.”
He clapped his hands again.
Some in the audience whispered to each other; some covered their mouths with handkerchiefs; some couldn’t help laughing aloud.
Director Teng himself didn’t laugh. He looked even graver and dragged on:
“Now, I . . . I give you Dir . . . rector Zhang of the Per . . . sonnel Depart . . . ment to deli . . . ver the eulogy.”
Director Zhang strode to the podium, a small handkerchief in hand. He tilted the mike skyward because he was half a head taller than it, and began to speak in a low, slow cadence, which was quite tear-inducing.
“Comrades, our dear Deputy Mayor Zhou has left us forever. We . . . we will never see him again. Ah . . . !” He trembled and couldn’t help but break into a loud sob. He had been a protégé of the late deputy mayor and climbed up the ladder on account of that. Therefore his feelings for the late deputy mayor were quite genuine.
Led by the late Deputy Mayor Zhou’s family, everyone in the audience cried with wild abandon.
“Comrades!” Director Zhang shouted into the mike this time, which frightened some in the audience. “Let’s turn our sorrow into strength. Comrades. . . . Deputy Mayor Zhou has worked like a horse for our industrial and agricultural developments, how can we ever forget him? He has been a good Party member in our heart, a good cadre, a good public servant. . . . Do you all still remember, it was he who led us in building up our nation’s first green food base, Asia’s greatest Globe Wood Products, Ltd, and importing an entire production line of artificial diamonds. . . . He led us in trying to tame and clean up the Huai River. . . . ”
Just then someone screamed: “Oh! The dead body has exploded!” It woke everyone from their grief. They all looked up. Nobody knew when Deputy Mayor Zhou had crawled out of the casket. He walked toward the podium with a smile on his face, grabbed the mike from Director Zhang, and bowed to the audience down there.
“Dear citizens, this is the last time I give a speech to you. I can’t lie in death with my eyes closed because I have a guilty conscience. I have to confess everything: For the green food base, I took a kickback of 6 million yuan; for Globe Wood Products, Ltd., I took more than 4 million yuan; for the Huai River project, I took another 2 million yuan. So before I go, I beg for forgiveness from every one of you, old and young, and I beg for mercy from our country’s law. Farewell!”
Before anyone realized what had happened, Deputy Mayor Zhou was back in the crystal casket, lying quietly. On his face was the same healthy glow, like he was taking a nap after an important speech.
It turned out that Deputy Mayor Zhou had taken a new resurrection pill invented by Professor Lamb of a top-notch University. The odd thing about this new magic pill is that those who have taken it, without exception, will have the same making-a-clean-break experience.
(2002)