A flat Grove.
Enter Haunce in a fantastical travelling Habit, with a Bottle of
Brandy in his Hand, as sick: Gload marches after.
Hau. Ah, ah, a pox of all Sea-Voyages.
[Drinks.
Here, Gload, take thee t’other Sope, and then let’s home.
[Gload drinks.
Ah, ah, a pox of all Sea-Voyages.
Gload. Sir, if I may advise, take t’other turn in the Grove, for I find by my Nose you want more airing.
Hau. How, Sirrah! by your Nose? have a care, you know ’tis ill jesting with me when I’m angry.
Gload. Which is as often as you are drunk; I find it has the same Effects on me too: but truly, Sir, I meant no other than that you smell a little of the Vessel, a certain sour remains of a Storm about you.
Hau. Ah, ah, do not name a Storm to me, unless thou wilt have the Effects on’t in thy Face.
[Drinks.
Gload. Sha, sha, bear up, Sir, bear up.
Hau. Salerimente, a Sea-phrase too! Why, ye Rascal, I tell you I can indure nothing that puts me in mind of that Element.
[Drinks.
Gload. The Sight of Donna Euphemia will —
[Gload drinks between whiles too.
Hau. Hold, hold, let me consider whether I can indure to hear her nam’d or not; for I think I am so thorowly mortify’d, I shall hardly relish Woman-kind again this — two Hours.
[Drinks.
Gload. You a Man of Courage, and talk thus!
Hau. Courage! Why, what dost thou call Courage? — Hector himself would not have chang’d his ten Years Siege for our ten Days Storm at Sea — a Storm — a hundred thousand fighting Men are nothing to’t; Cities sackt by Fire nothing: ’tis a resistless Coward that attacks a Man at disadvantage; an unaccountable Magick, that first conjures down a Man’s Courage, and then plays the Devil over him. And in fine, it is a Storm —
Gload. Good lack that it should be all these terrible things, and yet that we should outbrave it.
Hau. No god-a-mercy to our Courages tho, I tell you that now, Gload; but like an angry Wench, when it had huft and bluster’d it self weary, it lay still again.
[Drinks.
Gload. Hold, hold, Sir, you know we are to make Visits to Ladies, Sir; and this replenishing of our Spirits, as you call it, Sir, may put us out of Case.
Hau. Thou art a Fool, I never made love so well as when I was drunk; it improves my Parts, and makes me witty; that is, it makes me say any thing that comes next, which passes now-a-days for Wit: and when I am very drunk, I’ll home and dress me, and the Devil’s in’t if she resist me so qualify’d and so dress’d.
Gload. Truly, Sir, those are things that do not properly belong to you.
Hau. Your Reason, your Reason; we shall have thee witty too in thy Drink, hah!
[Laughs.
Gload. Why, I say, Sir, none but a Cavalier ought to be soundly drunk, or wear a Sword and Feather; and a Cloke and Band were fitter for a Merchant.
Hau. Salerimente, I’ll beat any Don in Spain that does but think he has more right to any sort of Debauchery, or Gallantry than I, I tell you that now, Gload.
Gload. Do you remember, Sir, how you were wont to go at home? when instead of a Periwig, you wore a slink, greasy Hair of your own, thro which a pair of large thin Souses appear’d, to support a formal Hat, on end thus —
[Imitates him.
Hau. Ha, ha, ha, the Rogue improves upon’t.
[Gives him Brandy.
Gload. A Collar instead of a Cravat twelve inches high; with a blue, stiff, starcht, lawn Band, set in print like your Whiskers; a Doublet with small Skirts hookt to a pair of wide-kneed Breeches, which dangled halfway over a Leg, all to be dash’d and dirty’d as high as the gartering.
Hau. Ha, ha, ha, very well, proceed.
[Drinks.
Gload. Your Hands, defil’d with counting of damn’d dirty Money, never made other use of Gloves, than continually to draw them thro — thus — till they were dwindled into the scantling of a Cats-gut.
Hau. Ha, ha, ha, a pleasant Rascal.
[Drinks.
Gload. A Cloke, half a yard shorter than the Breeches, not thorow lin’d, but fac’d as far as ’twas turn’d back, with a pair of frugal Butter-hams, which was always manag’d — thus —
Hau. Well, Sir, have you done, that I may show you this Merchant revers’d?
Gload. Presently, Sir; only a little touch at your Debauchery, which unless it be in damn’d Brandy, you dare not go to the Expence of. Perhaps at a Wedding, or some Treat where your Purse is not concern’d, you would most insatiably tipple; otherwise your two Stivers-Club is the highest you dare go, where you will be condemn’d for a Prodigal, (even by your own Conscience) if you add two more extraordinary to the Sum, and at home sit in the Chimney-Corner, cursing the Face of Duke de Alva upon the Jugs, for laying an Imposition on Beer: And now, Sir, I have done.
Hau. And dost thou not know, when one of those thou hast described, goes but half a League out of Town, that he is so transform’d from the Merchant to the Gallant in all Points, that his own Parents, nay the Devil himself cannot know him? Not a young English Squire newly come to an Estate, above the management of his Wit, has better Horses, gayer Clothes, swears, drinks, and does every thing with a better grace than he; damns the stingy Cabal of the two Stiver-Club, and puts the young King of Spain and his Mistress together in a Rummer of a Pottle; and in pure Gallantry breaks the Glasses over his Head, scorning to drink twice in the same: and a thousand things full as heroick and brave I cou’d tell you of this same Holy-day Squire. But come, t’other turn, and t’other sope, and then for Donna Euphemia. For I find I begin to be reconcil’d to the Sex.
Gload. But, Sir, if I might advise, let’s e’en sleep first.
Hau. Away, you Fool, I hate the sober Spanish way of making Love, that’s unattended with Wine and Musick; give me a Wench that will out-drink the Dutch, out-dance the French, and out — out — kiss the English.
Gload. Sir, that’s not the Fashion in Spain.
Hau. Hang the Fashion; I’ll manage her that must be my Wife, as I please, or I’ll beat her into Fashion.
Gload. What, beat a Woman, Sir?
Hau. Sha, all’s one for that; if I am provok’d, Anger will have its Effects on whomsoe’er it light; so said Van Trump, when he took his Mistress a Cuff o’th’ Ear for finding fault with an ill-fashion’d Leg he made her: I lik’d his Humour well, therefore come thy ways.
[Exeunt.