Carlo’s House.
After a Noise of Musick without, enter Haunce drest as Alonzo
was, follow’d by Gload, in Masquerade.
Hau. Hold, hold, I do not like the Salutations I receive from all I meet in this House.
Glo. Why, Sir, methinks they are very familiar Scabs all.
Hau. Salerimente, they all salute me as they were my old Acquaintance. Your servant, Myn heer Haunce, crys one; your servant, Monsieur Haunce, crys another.
Enter Servant.
Serv. Your servant, Sir, you come indeed like a Bridegroom all beset with Dance and Fiddle.
Hau. Bridegroom! ha, ha, ha, dost hear, Gload? ’tis true faith. But how the Devil came he to know it, man, hah?
Serv. My Master, Sir, was just asking for you, he longs to speak with you.
Hau. Ha, ha, with me, Sir? why, ha, ha, who the pox am I?
Serv. You, Sir, why, who should you be?
Hau. Who should I be? why, who should I be?
Serv. Myn heer Haunce van Ezel, Sir.
Hau. Ha, ha, ha, well guest, i’faith now.
Glo. Why how should they guess otherwise, coming so attended with Musick, as prepar’d for a Wedding?
Hau. Ha, ha, ha, say’st thou so? faith, ’tis a good Device to save the Charges of the first Compliments, hah: but hark ye, hark ye, Friend, are you sure this is the House of Don Carlo?
Serv. Why, Sir, have you forgot it?
Hau. Forgot it! ha, ha, ha, dost hear, Gload? forgot it! why how the Devil should I remember it?
Glo. Sir, I believe this is some new-fashion’d Civility in Spain, to know every Man before he sees him.
Hau. No, no, you fool, they never change their Fashion in Spain, Man.
Glo. I mean their manner of Address, Sir.
Hau. It may be so, I’ll see farther. Friend, is Don Carlo within?
Serv. He has not been out since, Sir.
Hau. Since, ha, ha, ha, since when? hah.
Serv. Since you saw him, Sir.
Hau. Salerimente, will you make me mad? why you damnable Rascal, when did I see him? hah.
Serv. Here comes my Master himself, Sir, [Enter Carlo.] let him inform you, if you grow so hot upon the Question.
Car. How now, Son, what, angry? You have e’en tir’d your self with walking, and are out of Humour.
Hau. Look there again — the old Man’s mad too; why how the pox should he know I have been walking? Indeed, Sir, I have, as you say, been walking [Playing with his Hat.] — and am — as you say, out of Humour — But under favour, Sir, who are you? Sure ’tis the old Conjurer, and those were his little Imps I met.
[Surlily to him.
Car. Sure, Son, you should be a Wit, by the shortness of your Memory.
Hau. By the Goodness of yours, you should be none, ha, ha, ha. Did I not meet with him there, Gload, hah? But pray refresh my Memory, and let me know you; I come to seek a Father amongst you here, one Don Carlo.
Car. Am I not the Man, Sir?
Hau. How the Devil should I know that now, unless by instinct?
Glo. The old Man is mad, and must be humour’d.
Hau. Cry you Mercy, Sir, I vow I had quite forgot you. Sir, I hope Donna Euphemia —
Car. Oh, Sir, she’s in a much better Humour than when you saw her last, complies with our Desires more than I cou’d hope or wish.
Hau. Why look you here again — I ask’d after her Health, not her Humour.
Car. I know not what Arts you made use of, but she’s strangely taken with your Conversation and Person.
Glo. Truly, Sir, you are mightily beholden to her, that she should have all this good Will to your Person and Conversation before she sees you.
Hau. Ay, so I am; therefore, Sir, I desire to see your Daughter, for I shall hardly be so generous as she has been, and be quits with her before I see her.
Car. Why, Sir, I hop’d you lik’d her when you saw her last.
Hau. Stark mad — I saw her last! why, what the Devil do you mean? I never saw her in all my Life, man. Stark mad, as I am true Dutch —
[Aside.
Car. A Lover always thinks the time tedious: But here’s my Daughter.
Enter Euphemia and Olinda.
Hau. Ay, one of these must be she: but ’tis a Wonder I should not know which she is by instinct.
[Aside.
[Stands looking very simply on both.
Euph. This is not Alonzo — has he betray’d me?
[Aside.
Car. Go, Sir, she expects you.
Hau. Your pardon, Sir; let her come to me, if she will, I’m sure she knows me better than I do her.
Glo. How should she know you, Sir?
Hau. How? by instinct, you Fool, as all the rest of the House does: don’t you, fair Mistress?
Euph. I know you —
Hau. Yes, you know me; you need not be so coy mun, the old Man has told me all.
Euph. What has he told you? — I am ruin’d.
[Aside.
Hau. Faith, much more than I believ’d, for he was very full of his new-fashion’d Spanish Civility, as they call it; But ha, ha, I hope, fair Mistress, you do not take after him?
Euph. What if I do, Sir?
Hau. Why then I had as lieve marry a Steeple with a perpetual Ring of Bells.
Glo. Let me advise you, Sir; methinks you might make a handsomer Speech for the first, to so pretty a Lady — Fakes, and were I to do’t —
Hau. I had a rare Speech for her thou knowest, and an Entertainment besides, that was, tho I say it, unordinary: But a pox of this new way of Civility, as thou call’st it, it has put me quite beside my part.
Glo. Tho you are out of your complimenting Part, I am not out of my dancing one, and therefore that part of your Entertainment I’ll undertake for. ‘Slife, Sir, would you disappoint all our Ship’s Company? —
Hau. That’s according as I find this proud Tit in Humour.
Car. And why so coy? pray why all this Dissimulation? Come, come, I have told him your Mind, and do intend to make you both happy immediately.
Euph. How, Sir, immediately!
Car. Yes, indeed; nay, if you have deceiv’d me, and dissembled with me, when I was so kind, I’ll show you Trick for Trick i’faith —
[Goes to Haunce.
Euph. What shall we do, Olinda?
Olin. Why marry Don Alonzo, Madam.
Euph. Do not rally, this is no time for Mirth.
Olin. Fie upon’t, Madam, that you should have so little Courage; your Father takes this Fellow to be Alonzo.
Car. What Counsel are you giving there, hah?
Olin. Only taking leave of our old Acquaintance, since you talk of marrying us so soon.
Car. What Acquaintance, pray?
Olin. Our Maiden-heads, Sir.
Hau. Ha, ha, ha, a pleasant Wench, faith now; I believe you would be content to part with yours with less warning.
Olin. On easy Terms perhaps, but this marrying I do not like; ’tis like going a long Voyage to Sea, where after a while even the Calms are distasteful, and the Storms dangerous: one seldom sees a new Object, ’tis still a deal of Sea, Sea; Husband, Husband, every day, — till one’s quite cloy’d with it.
Car. A mad Girl this, Son.
Hau. Ay, Sir, but I wish she had left out the simile, it made my Stomach wamble.
Glo. Pray, Sir, let you the Maid alone as an Utensil belonging to my Place and Office, and meddle you with the Mistress.
Hau. Faith now, thou hast the better Bargain of the two; my Mistress looks so scurvily and civil, that I don’t know what to say to her — Lady — hang’t, that look has put me quite out again.
Car. To her, Son, to her —
Hau. Hark ye, Lady — Well, what next now? Oh pox, quite out, quite out; tell me whether the old Man ly’d or no, when he told me you lov’d me.
Euph. I love you!
Hau. Look you there now, how she looks again.
Car. She’s only bashful, Sir, before me; therefore if you please to take a small Collation, that has waited within for you this three Hours —
Hau. That’s strange now, that any thing should wait for me, who was no more expected here than Bethlehem-Gaber: Faith now, Lady, this Father of yours is very simple.
Euph. To take you for his Son.
Hau. I meant to have surpriz’d you I vow, before you had dreamt of me; and when I came, you all knew me as well as if you had cast a Figure for me.
Car. Well, Son, you’ll follow.
Euph. You will not leave me alone, Sir, with a Man?
Hau. Go your ways, go your ways — I shall know more of your Secrets before [Gload makes Grimaces to Olinda of Love.] night yet, you little pouting Hypocrite you.
Euph. You know my Secrets! why, who are you?
Hau. Ha, ha, ha, that’s a very good one faith now: who am I, quoth thou? why there’s not a Child thus high in all your Father’s House would have ask’d me so simple a Question.
Olin. Madam, I find by this Man, this is your expected Lover, whom you must flatter, or you are undone, ’tis Haunce van Ezel.
[To Euphemia.
Euph. The Fop himself.
Hau. Oh, do you know me now?
Euph. ’Tis impossible.
Hau. This is an extreme the other way now.
[Aside.
Impossible, ha, ha, ha! No, no, poor thing, do not doubt thy Happiness: for look ye, to confirm you, here are my Bills of Exchange with my own natural Name to them, if you can read written Hand —
[Shews her Papers.
Glo. Not love you! I’ll swear you lye now, you little Jade, I am now in Masquerade, and you cannot judge of me; but I am Book-keeper and Cashier to my Master, and my Love will turn to account, I’ll warrant you.
Olin. There may be use made of him.
[Aside.
I shall think of it. But pray why are you thus accouter’d?
Glo. Fakes, to entertain your Lady, we have brought the whole Ship’s Company too in Masquerade.
Olin. That indeed will be very proper at this time of the Day, and the first Visit too.
Glo. Shaw, that’s nothing, you little think what Blades we are mun — Sir, I’ll call in the Fiddles and the Company.
Hau. Well remember’d, faith, now I had e’en forgot it.
Euph. What’s the meaning of this?
[Fiddles strike up.
Hau. To show you the difference between the damnable dull Gravity of the Spanish, and brisk Gaiety of the Dutch. Come, come, begin all.
Enter Dutchmen and Women dancing.
Nay, I’ll shew you what I can do too, come, Gload.
[They two dance.
There’s for you now, and yet you have not seen half my good Qualities; I can sing the newest Ballad that has been made, so I can.
[Sings a Dutch Song.
Euph. Be these your Friends, Sir? they look as if you had ransack’d a Hoy for them.
Hau. How! look on them well, they are all States or States-fellows, I tell you that now, and they can bear witness who I am too.
Euph. Now I’m convinced, and am sorry I doubted my Happiness so long: I had such a Character of you.
Hau. Of me! oh Lord, I vow now — as they say — I don’t know — ha, ha —
Euph. I heard you were the most incorrigible Fool, the most intolerable Fop.
Hau. Ha, ha, ha, do you hear, Gload — who, I a Fop? I vow they were mistaken in me, for I am counted as pretty a Merchant as any walks the Change; can write a very plain Hand, and cast Account as well — my man Gload — can’t I, Sirrah?
Glo. Yes indeed, forsooth, can he.
Hau. Egad, a Fool, a Fop, quoth ye —
[Walks angry.
Olin. By all means flatter him, Madam.
Euph. I’m satisfy’d, Sir.
Hau. I care not whether you are or no, for I shall have you whether you will or no, mun.
Euph. ’Tis very likely; but there is a certain troublesome Fellow in love with me, that has made me vow whenever I marry to ask him leave.
Hau. How, ask his leave? I scorn to ask any Body’s leave, I tell you that, tho ‘twere my Mistress —
Euph. I cannot marry you then.
Hau. How, not marry me? look here now:
[Ready to cry.
Gload, can’t you marry, and let no living Soul know it?
Euph. Oh no, Sir, I love your Life better, which would be indanger’d.
Hau. Why, what a cursed Custom you have in Spain, a Man can neither marry, nor console his Neighbour’s Wife without having his Throat cut. Why, what if he will not give you leave?
Euph. Why, then you must fight him.
Hau. How! fight him, I fight him!
Glo. Why, yes, Sir, you know you can fight, you try’d but this very Morning —
Hau. Softly, you damn’d Rogue, not a Word of my Prowess aloud. Salerimente, I shall be put to fight when I am sober, shall I, for your damn’d prating, ye Rascal?
Euph. I am glad you have that good Quality.
[Olinda speaking to Gload, pushes him to speak.
Glo. Ay, Madam — my Master — has many more:
But if you please to tell him his Rival’s Name —
Hau. I’ll have your Ears for this, Sirrah, the next time I’m soundly drunk, and you know that won’t be long.
[Aside.
Lord, Madam, my Man knows not what he says.
Ye Rascal, say I have no Courage — or I will drink my self to the Miracle of Valour, and exercise it all on thee.
Glo. I know what I do, Sir, you had Courage this Morning, is the Fit over?
Hau. Have I not slept since, you Rogue, have I not?
Glo. I have a trick to save your Honour, Sir, and therefore I will stand in’t you have Courage.
Hau. A Pox of your Trick, the Rogue knows I dare not chastise him now, for fear they should think I have Valour.
Glo. Madam, my Master’s modest, but tell him who ’tis he must fight with —
Hau. Oh, for a Tun of Rhenish — that I might abundantly beat thee —
Euph. Your Rival’s Name’s Alonzo, Sir.
Hau. Oh the Devil, a thundring Name too; but will this same — Alonzo make no allowance for necessity? — I vow ’tis pure necessity in me to marry you: the old Men being agreed upon the Matter, I am but an Instrument — alas, not I,
[Crys.
A very Tool, as they say, so I am.
Glo. Lord, Sir, why do you cry? I meant no harm.
Hau. No harm, you Rascal — to say I am valiant.
Glo. Why, yes, Sir, and if you would say so too, at worst ’twas but getting Don Lovis to have fought for you; you know that’s a small courtesy to a Friend.
Hau. Faith, now thou art in the right; he’ll do his Business for him, I’ll warrant him.
[Wipes his Eyes.
Nay then, Madam, I have Courage, and will to this Don — this Alonzo you speak of; and if he do not resign you, and consign you too, I’ll make him; yes, make him, do ye see — If Lovis should refuse me now —
[Aside.
Glo. Shaw, Sir, he makes nothing to kill a Man, ten or twenty.
Euph. Well, since you are so resolv’d, my Brother will tell you where to find this Alonzo; and tell him, I must marry you to day, for I am resolv’d not to lie alone tonight.
Hau. What would not a Man do for so kind a Mistress?
Euph. Well, get you about it strait then, lest my Father’s coming prevent it.
[Exeunt Euphemia and Olinda.
Hau. I am gone — but if Lovis should fail —
Glo. He would beat you, if he thought you doubted him.
Hau. I’ll keep my Fears then to my self.
[Go out.