The blue Vespa Lounge sparkled in the rain. I looked up at its bright orange sign, sighed and went in. It was my third pub of the night. Melissa and I had looked up all the gay pubs and clubs in Time Out. We’d also gone on an Internet site called Gingerbeer that had up-to-the-minute information on London’s lesbian scene. From the women at Gingerbeer I learned that Gateways had shut in 1985. I also discovered that the Due South, which I considered my local, had just closed.
My eyes adjusted to the Vespa’s blue interior. To my utter astonishment, Nick was sitting in a corner having a pint. I slid into the chair next to her.
“Alright?”
“Alright, mate! Whatcha doin’ ’ere, ’manda?” She was totally trolleyed.
“What am I doing here? Looking for you. That’s what I’m doing here. Don’t you know Melissa and I have been frantic? Where’ve you been?”
“I can’t sleep.” Nick’s normally piercing green eyes looked dull. “I’m afraid to be alone. Where else would I be?”
“You could be with me. Why didn’t you give us a ring? Melissa’s worried sick about you. Why haven’t you been over to see us?”
“I couldn’t.”
“Why not? You always have done.”
“I know, but I couldn’t anymore.”
“But I’ve missed you.” I reached out my hand to touch her rumpled hair, trying not to show how hurt I was.
“It’s been ages and I’m still whingeing and moaning about something you can’t even call a real rape. I’m not getting over it, me.”
“It hasn’t been that long. And it was a real rape. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you telling me he didn’t violate you? Traumatize you? No, I didn’t think so. Maybe we should have pressured you to report it.”
“How many times can I spill my guts on your eternal shoulder of kindness? Or Melissa’s? I already can’t repay either of you.”
“Being mates isn’t about repaying,” I said.
Nick pointed an unlit fag at me. “No, I find me own places to stay, me. I’ve got it sussed, mate.”
“What are you doing?” I grabbed the coffin nail from between her fingers and tossed it on the floor. “You don’t smoke.”
“Give it to me.” She held out her hand and looked at me with heavy-lidded eyes, not realizing I’d already thrown the cigarette away.
“How did you get like this all of a sudden? You’re coming back to mine,” I said.
Nick ran a hand through her hair, thick and rich like Guinness stout, looking completely out of it. She rested her chin in her hands. She was wearing her black leather jacket and a torn yellow jersey that was held together with safety pins. She looked beyond mere fatigue. I stood and tried to pull her up with me by her collar. A woman joined us, setting another pint of bitter in front of Nick and sitting down cradling the other. I couldn’t believe Nick was actually going to drink it. She was ready to wipe up the floor. I didn’t think she’d be able to stand, let alone walk.
“Who’s this?” the woman demanded.
“A mate,” Nick said. “She’s just leaving.”
“She’s not,” I said firmly. “She is taking you home.”
The woman rested her hand heavily on Nick’s shoulder. “Go an’ chat up someone else, lover.” She had a Devonshire accent.
I had the feeling that Nick didn’t really know this woman. Why was she talking to me like this? She seemed gruff, abrasive and, I decided, predatory. She didn’t smile, and I admit I was over-protective of Nick. “I’m not chatting her up,” I said, as the woman continued to eye me warily. “I’m concerned about my mate.”
“Sod off,” Nick muttered, morosely crumpling up an empty crisps packet in her fist. “Leave me alone.”
Stung, I asked, “What’s the matter with you?”
“I just can’t see you right now, Amanda.” Nick downed most of her pint.
The strange, raptorial woman put her arm around Nick’s waist, half holding her up, and they limped out of the pub together. I grabbed at the sleeve of Nick’s jacket. “You don’t have to do this. Stop using yourself. Stop giving it all away.” Having said that, I felt a right prat for assuming I knew what was best for her. I followed the two of them out into the rain. “You’ve got people who love you, you know,” I shouted after Nick. “I love you, mate.” The wolf opened her umbrella, and they huddled chummily underneath it. I stood in the open with my naked head. “Come back.” I watched their figures recede.
Later I stood in front of my red-brick Victorian feeling shattered, looking at my protruding ground-floor window. The lights were on behind the yellow curtains in the basement flat as I walked up the few steps to mine. I wondered if someone nice lived down there.
I rang Melissa’s mobile to let her know I’d found Nick and she could go home if she was still out looking. “What?” It was loud on Melissa’s end of the line.
“Go home!” I yelled.
“Hang on, I’m walking outside.”
It was only slightly less noisy so I didn’t explain the circumstances. I just shouted, “Go home! I’ll ring you tomorrow.”
I was lying in bed not sleeping, listening to the Clash song “One Emotion” over and over again, when my buzzer rang. I turned off the CD player, pulled back the curtain and peered out. Nick was standing there, looking wet, dirty, and crumpled from the rain.
“What are you doing here?” I held the door open.
“I came to apologize.” She looked awfully pale and ill.
“What’s happened to what’s-her-name?”
Nick shrugged. “I left when she fell asleep. I felt too restless to stay.”
“Did you at least leave her a note?” I asked, still a little hurt.
“Believe me, she didn’t expect one. It wasn’t like that.”
“What was it like then?”
“You know what it was like.”
“For fuck’s sake, Nick. Why’d you disappear on me?”
“I had to. Don’t you see? That night. I could’ve got you killed an’ all. I never should’ve gone off the main road.”
I helped her out of her wet clothes and stuck her under a hot shower, getting myself soaked in the process. I dried my hair with a towel and plugged in the electric kettle. I put dry clothes in the bathroom for Nick and told her I was going into the hall to ring Melissa.
“Don’t let her come over,” Nick pleaded. “Not when I’m in this state.”
“I need to let her know you’re alright. She’s really concerned about you.”
Sounding half asleep, Melissa said, “Brilliant,” when I told her Nick had just turned up. “Is she alright? Do you need me to come over?”
“Nah, much as I love your company. We’ll pop round yours tomorrow.”
Nick came out of the bathroom and I rubbed my towel over her head. I handed her a steaming mug of tea and said, “Pour that down ya, you silly git.” She was shivering, and I wrapped a blanket around her. “Alcohol poisoning is a real thing, you know,” I said.
Eventually, from her hesitant spurts of confession, I learned that Nick had been going out every night, getting legless and going home with strangers.
“You’re not being responsible,” I said. “It isn’t safe.”
“Not as safe as walking down the road to catch a fucking bus?” Nick asked sarcastically.
“It isn’t okay to put yourself at risk on purpose.”
“At risk? A woman isn’t going to rape me.”
“Oh, that’s right, I forgot. No woman would ever put you in danger or physically harm you. That never happens in the lesbian community. Are you at least having sex with all these women safely?”
“No oral sex without cling film or an HIV test.” She saluted me like a soldier.
“Well, I see it as a cry for help.”
“Listen, mate. I slept with those women trying to feel safe.”
“I know,” I said.
After two cups of tea, Nick looked less defiant and more despondent. Her small, silver eyebrow ring and the earrings in her right ear glittered in the lamplight. “If you let me stay, I’ll make it worth your while.”
“You what? Sorry?”
“If you let me stay, you can fuck me,” Nick said harshly.
“Are you out of your fucking head? Do you think that’s what I want?” I nearly screamed at her. “You’re fucking kidding, right?”
“Not if you don’t want me to be.”
“How can you do that to yourself? And how can you think so little of me? Do you really think I’d take advantage of you like that? That’s really naff. What the hell are you thinking?”
“I can’t keep coming here expecting you to take care of me. Maybe you want to have other women over.”
“If I had other plans, I’d just bloody tell you,” I snapped. “It’s not a fucking problem.”
“I couldn’t show up offering fuck all.”
“What a fucking naff idea,” I repeated. “I can’t believe you came up with it. Are you on drugs or something?”
“Only crack.”
I gasped in horror, and Nick finally gave me a weary shell of a smile.
“I’m only taking the piss, Amanda,” she said, but then she started to cry. “I can’t live with the guilt that’s inside me. I could have got you raped an’ all. It was my fault. I had a few pints and thought I was bulletproof. That area’s dead rough. I never should’ve gone off the High Street.”
“That doesn’t make it your fault. No one has the right to harm you.”
“Summat terrible could have happened to you, d’you know wha’ I mean? I can’t live with it, me.”
“I made a conscious decision to help you,” I said. “No one held a gun to my head. I could have thought, ugh, some bloody stupid woman has turned off the main road and got herself in trouble. And I could’ve carried on down Kingsland High Street, got my bus, and left it at that. I chose to go after you. Whatever else may have happened, that was my choice and I have to live with it.” I pulled the blanket more tightly around her. The room was dead frigid and I realized the radiators weren’t working. My electricity key had run down and I couldn’t recharge it until the next day. “I could never hurt you.” I ran my finger down her cheek. I could see my breath. “It’s fucking freezing in here.” I made Nick put on a sweatshirt and extra-heavy socks. She curled up next to me in the small bed. I put my arms around her. “I can understand why all those women want to take you home,” I said, trying to make her feel better about having offered me sex. “It’s not that I don’t think you’re attractive.”
“Bollocks.”
“Really.” I ran my hand through her wondrous hair. “You’re well fit. You’re sex on legs.” We both laughed. “Seriously, I think you’re beautiful. And you’re vulnerable. I don’t want those women taking advantage of you.”
“They don’t scare me. Nowt scares me,” Nick claimed defiantly.
In my head, I started playing the Indigo Girls song “Kid Fears.”
“Was Melissa really worried about me?” Nick asked quietly.
“Yes, she bloody well was.”
“Bollocks,” Nick said, but I felt her body relax.