Gage stared at her for a moment. “What are you talking about?” he asked at last. He was too shocked to hide his annoyance. “You’ve always wanted kids. We were going to start trying right after the Olympics…”
“Yes, but I was in my twenties then. I’m thirty-five now and that puts me in the high-risk age group. I’m not interested in all that entails, like the extra testing, increased risk for gestational diabetes, etc. I don’t think I want kids at this point in my life. Even if I had a baby next year, at thirty-six, I’d be in my mid-fifties when he or she graduated high school and nearly sixty when they finished college.”
He didn’t even know what to say. “Women are having babies into their forties these days. There’s always a risk, no matter what age. What brought on this change?”
She chewed her lip, averting her eyes. “Gage, if this is nonnegotiable, I’ll understand, but I honestly don’t feel the need to be pregnant at this stage of my life.”
“Okay.” He paused. “Can we adopt?”
“I…I guess I never thought about that. I didn’t think it was fair when I was single, but I guess we could discuss it if we get to that point.”
“Laurie, nothing is nonnegotiable when it comes to you, but I wish I understood where this is coming from.”
“Other than the occasional one-nighter, you haven’t seen much of me, and a lot has changed since we’ve been apart. You keep saying you haven’t changed, but I have. If you think I’m the same girl you knew in college, you’re going to be disappointed.”
“Nothing about you disappoints me. Except when you don’t talk to me. You started that when I was deployed and even though those days are long gone, it’s like you’re holding on to the same resentment, the same things that came between us then. It hasn’t been very long, but I thought things have been good with us?”
“They are,” she whispered in a tight voice. “But it’s not easy. I love you or I wouldn’t have agreed to even try, but the past will never go away. I’m working through it, reminding myself how young we were, how short life is, and how miserable I’ve been without you. But I’m scared. If you were to hurt me again, I don’t think I’d survive.”
“Short of dying, there’s no chance in hell I’m ever leaving you again, and hurting you isn’t even an option. You need to believe that, Laurie.”
“I’m trying. But if you want kids…”
“We wanted them. If you don’t, we’ll find a compromise. Maybe we can foster. There are a lot of kids out there who need homes.”
She nodded. “Yes, for sure.”
Her phone rang then and she grabbed it like a lifeline. “Hi, Marshall, what’s up?”
Gage listened to her discussing something about the game plan for the following night and it went on for nearly half an hour, so the opportunity to talk was lost. At some point, they had to find some time to dig deeper into what they were doing. He’d promised to keep things simple until hockey season was over, but it was killing him. All these little issues kept popping up, making him wonder if history was going to repeat itself, just in a different way. He was determined not to let that happen, but damn if she wasn’t making it difficult. Somehow, he had to get through to her, and sooner rather than later.
The Blizzard lost to the Sidewinders the next night 2-1, in a shoot-out. Laurel forgot all about her stressful conversation with Gage about having kids and focused on the team. They still needed one more team to lose in order to get into the playoffs, and now the pressure was on.
“It’s okay,” Laurel soothed the frustrated team after the game. “We’ve got this. We won nine in a row and we’re going to win tomorrow night.” She went on to outline the plan of action and then sent them home.
She stayed behind, working in her office, watching video of the game and making notes on her iPad. It had been close. Both teams played well and a few things simply hadn’t gone their way. No one had been sloppy or drawing bad penalties; it was just one of those nights where they couldn’t win.
She looked up when Gage stuck his head in. “You ready to go?”
She sighed. “Yeah, I guess I can keep working from home. I’d love to soak in the hot tub, too.”
“Your wish is my command.” He held out his hand.
With a smile, she handed him her laptop case. “Thanks, babe.”
He laughed, sliding his other arm around her.
They soaked in the hot tub, made love, and fell asleep wrapped up in each other so Laurel didn’t have a chance to work. She got up early instead and ate breakfast while she finished watching the video of last night’s game, but she was distracted thinking about kids. Babies, in particular. Gage still wanted them. She knew him well enough to know this was going to be an issue. The truth was, she wanted them too, desperately, but she couldn’t see getting pregnant again at this age. Not after what happened last time. Except, of course, he didn’t know what had happened. He’d been in Afghanistan. And she’d been here in the U.S., alone, pregnant, and scared.
“Good morning.” Gage’s soft greeting made her jump and she glanced up as he brushed his lips across hers.
“Morning.”
“You okay? We didn’t get much sleep.”
“I’m good. Just going to be another busy day.”
“Can we talk for a few before you get caught up in it?”
“Sure.” She got up and poured herself another cup of coffee. “You want a cup?”
“That’d be great, thanks.”
She poured another cup, handed it to him, and then sat across from him at the table.
“I wanted to clarify a few things we talked about the other night, okay? It was insensitive of me to think you still felt the same way about kids now as you did fifteen years ago. I want to be with you, no matter what. Kids, no kids, whatever we decide. There’s never been anyone for me but you and I want to make you happy. Whatever that means, Laurel, I’m willing to do it.”
Tears blurred her vision and she dipped her head, trying to understand why it made her so emotional to hear those kinds of things from him. In this respect, he hadn’t changed at all, still the sweetest, most loving man she’d ever known. They’d been back together less than three weeks but it felt like it had been so much longer, as if they were picking up where they’d left off. Yet there were still so many secrets between them, things he didn’t know she knew and things she knew that she’d never told him. Which made her wonder how many secrets he was still keeping.
“Why does that make you sad?” he whispered, dropping to his knees beside her chair and putting his hands on either side of her face. “Babe, talk to me.”
“I don’t know,” she sniffed. “It’s just…you make everything seem so easy, but it’s not. We didn’t get divorced on a whim. We were broken. You hurt me.”
“You hurt me too,” he said softly.
“I hurt you because of things you did that hurt me.”
He made a face, shaking his head slightly. “Does that make one of us more right or wrong than the other?”
“No.” She leaned forward and rested her head on his shoulder.
He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and held her. “Tell me what changed while I was gone,” he urged. “Whatever it is, we can work through it.”
He was right. In theory, anyway. But she wasn’t ready and today wasn’t the day. Not with a big game on the line and a hundred things to do. If she opened the door to that conversation, there were going to be a lot of tears and raw wounds and who knows what else. She couldn’t coach if they went down that road and there was a huge game to think about.
“Not yet,” she said at last. “I will, but not…now.”
“When, honey? It’s been a decade and you wouldn’t tell me in therapy either.”
“I know.” She rubbed her eyes. “I couldn’t then.”
“And now?”
“I have to know it’s forever this time. I have to know you’ll never lie to me again or go off doing your own thing without my input, that we’re a team.”
“Then I can wait until you trust me again.”
They were both silent.
“I really wanted a baby with you,” she whispered after a second.
“I still want one with you.” He stroked her hair. “What if we didn’t think about that yet, and just keep going with what we’re doing? We’ll give it six months and talk about it again, maybe talk to an OBGYN?”
She swallowed through another wave of emotion. “Yes, okay.”
“Now, go do your coaching thing. I’ve got meetings downtown today, so I’ll drive myself and you can take the limo.”
“Why did you even get me a rental? I’ve driven it once.”
“I should return it. If you need to go somewhere, I have three cars in addition to the limo.”
“I’ve seen the Range Rover and the Mercedes. Let me guess…there’s a badass sports car somewhere.”
He grinned. “Oh, yeah.”
“Do I get to drive it?” Her eyes twinkled now, all traces of tears gone.
“Absolutely.”
His phone buzzed and she watched him stiffen when he saw who was calling. What was that about?
“It’s okay,” she said softly. “Go take that and I’ll see you later.”
He briefly pressed his lips to hers as he answered his phone. “Caldwell.”
She watched him walk into the other room, his voice dropping as he spoke to someone he didn’t greet by name. “…what do you mean? No, I can’t…” He disappeared up the stairs and for the first time she wondered who he was talking to and why he’d been so quick to leave the room. She’d never seen him react to a phone call like that in her presence, not when they were married and not since they’d gotten back together. For some reason, it bothered her.
She shook her head. They’d had a lot of problems but cheating wasn’t one of them. What the hell was wrong with her? Mostly she wanted to cry and it made no sense whatsoever.