When I got divorced from my first wife in the early 2000s, I felt an overwhelming sense of failure. I had certainly never imagined getting divorced—probably because my parents never divorced, despite their unhappiness.
How do we define love? We are tempted to define it on the basis of what we saw at home. And the turmoil I saw growing up was in some ways mirrored or replicated in my first marriage. It almost seemed the norm. Even though I thought I was going in the opposite direction from my parents, I ended up walking into similar dynamics—into uncertainty, lack of support, tension, all the things that I’d faced when I was a kid. And somehow I thought I could make it work because I could make everything work. Well, I couldn’t. The only person I had control over was me, and my control just meant that I endured the marriage. My first wife and I were just the wrong people at the wrong time.
Even so, the idea of divorce was terrifying. But when a relationship isn’t good, it has to end.
It’s too easy to blame the other person, just like it’s too easy and completely absurd when people say they’re not lucky in love. The first thing we have to do is accept responsibility. When children are involved, it’s important for all parties to agree that the children won’t become collateral damage, that they won’t become pawns, and that they won’t be used as a threat. For some reason, some people have a lot of difficulty agreeing on that.
As for why my marriage failed, the fact that I chose who I chose was a clear sign that I had a lot to figure out. The nature of our relationships is a great indication of where we are in our lives. Who we choose is a pretty good mirror of our state of mind. Hence, sixteen wonderful years with Erin, and the only uncertainty is what great things lie ahead.
As I’ve said before, we all must realize that the only person we can change is ourselves. Knowing this allows us to be much more powerful, because we use our true powers as opposed to imagined ones. All my missteps led me to the clarity I had when I met Erin, proving that my true strength comes from being able to change myself and not waste effort on trying to change others. The fact that my prior relationships didn’t work shows that I was confused and still believed that I had the power to make things the way I wanted them to be. And because I felt I had that power—I had, after all, achieved all my professional dreams—I hadn’t yet learned that I didn’t have the power to make other people do what I wanted them to do.
In the wake of my divorce, trying to protect Evan quickly became my priority. I chose to spend virtually all the time when he was with me one-on-one, just the two of us—to protect him, to calm him, and to let him know that I was there 100 percent. Bringing another woman into our circle, let alone our house, would have been an assault on his security, and more confusing and more of a threat than anything he needed to deal with.
Of course, the lines of communication need to stay open between separated couples. We must be able to voice concern over parenting methods or actions that we may find questionable or detrimental—though children should never be confronted with whatever fighting goes on. Who’s right and wrong should take a back seat to what’s best for the children, and one thing that’s for sure best for any child is for the parents not to bad-mouth each other. That should be forbidden—for the sake of the child.
It’s baffling to me that people are willing to hurt their children by saying bad things about their children’s other parent or by not being supportive. I certainly had disagreements with my ex after the divorce, just as we had disagreements when we were together, but we were determined to make this process as safe and comfortable for Evan as possible and acknowledge how difficult and awful this was for us and for him. We assured him that we would get through it and that no one was to blame.
It boggles my mind when I see people criticizing their ex in front of their children. On top of the insensitivity, anyone who does that is denigrating a child’s parent. It’s frightening, it’s confusing, and it potentially puts the child in the horrible position of having to take sides. During a divorce, the last thing that should happen is an innocent child being put in the line of fire or used as a tool or a pawn. In the very worst-case scenario—and mine fortunately was not that—it comes down to this: Do you hate your ex more than you love your child? It’s that simple. Stop with the rhetoric, stop with all the machinations, and which is the stronger feeling? Your love and desire to protect your child, or your ill feelings toward your ex?
If estranged parents can put aside the acrimony and hostility for the sake of their child, I highly recommend their seeing a therapist. Not because it’s court ordered or because they have to, but because they should respect their partner’s concerns; and perhaps bringing in a qualified intermediary will allow them to pick a course of action that is in the best interests of their child, even if they may not necessarily agree with it.
Involving therapists or going to counseling is not a move of desperation or weakness. It can be productive and constructive. You put aside the fact that you’re not together and not getting along, and you concern yourselves solely with the best way to handle this process for your child. You want to protect your child, and if your biggest concern is truly that child, then seeking an outside voice can be a great help. It shouldn’t be a tool used to punish an ex. Again, do you love your child more than you dislike your ex? It’s always important to take the high road—if for no other reason than to demonstrate empathy to your children. You don’t need to point anything else out in terms of your parenting versus someone else’s, because when your kids get older, they’ll figure it out on their own. To put poison in their ears or to speak poorly about their other parent is counterproductive, because the child loves both parents.
I can’t pass judgment on parents who remove themselves from their child’s life or poison or pollute their life because of a divorce or separation, but I can say that’s not what being a parent is in my mind. When my children suffer, I want to protect them. When my children are scared, I want to soothe them. When my children are sad, I want to either cheer them up or listen to them. I want to validate my children. Many times, that’s all they need: to be heard. A child should not end up being collateral damage.
When we break the foundation under our children by saying that Mommy and Daddy are no longer going to be together, that is inconceivable to them. From the day they were born, Mom and Dad had been not only their foundation but their world. Yet now that’s going to break. I saw with Evan how terrifying and incomprehensible this process was to him. My role had to be to protect him, to be there for him, and to get him through it.
There’s a lesson to be learned—that things can be terrible but we can get through them. Not easily, and not without pain, and not without acknowledging the pain. But we can get through them.
Evan is the poster child for divorce. He’s done great. He can’t imagine his mom and dad being together, and in his own way he figured out the dynamics between us and why we’re not together. When he’s had graduations or other milestones, we’ve celebrated as a family unit and, when appropriate, with Erin and his brother and sisters. And make no mistake, Erin—without ever posing a threat to the relationship between me and Evan—became a key factor in his seeing the dynamics of a healthy relationship and how we all can come through the worst upheavals to a better place than where we started.
This was another case of our experiences defining who we are. It was so clear to me what my childhood lacked, and I was determined—despite divorce or anything else—to provide that for my children. We all can realize and reaffirm in countless ways what our lives are about and what our active participation should be.