In one form or another, we’re all addicts. We just pick our poison. Sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll? Those options are all still available. While I never thought the drugs were part of the equation, the other two went hand in hand. As life moves on, though, changes and choices need to be made. Rock ’n’ roll remains. But for me, marriage and monogamy also go hand in hand. So I made a choice, and that was to be with Erin and only Erin.
To live with our choices and not struggle with them over time, we have to be clear on why we made them.
My decisions have to be rational, well thought out, and based on how a change will affect me. In committing to be faithful to Erin, I considered not only how it would affect my life if it came out that I betrayed that commitment to her, but also the personal burden of carrying that dishonesty even if she never found out.
Somebody once asked me about monogamy, and I said that it’s something people have to decide for themselves. But part of that choice is what I just said about living with knowing that I’ve been dishonest. Someone else would be privy to the secret other than me. And if someone else is privy to something, then no doubt other people will be as well, because there are no secrets. If I don’t want people to know about my doing something, I don’t do it, because most things get out. And even if it didn’t get out, I would torture myself about it. For me, there’s no room for dishonesty in my relationship. Women are still as beautiful as ever, probably as available as ever, but I will take a pass.
If we see somebody who’s appealing or attractive and enticing on any level, it’s important to think, Wait a minute. I have X amount of years with my partner and can depend on that person to continue to build something together. Why would we gamble on what’s behind Door Number One when we’ve already won the grand prize?
At this point in my life, it’s clear to me that what I have is a gift. I will not jeopardize that gift for a momentary situation. I weigh what I have versus what I had in the past, and as much fun as it was back then, none of it had the depth or held the rewards that my life now gives me. Somebody once said to me, “I’m married, I’m not dead.” That applies. But to make things work, we have to make conscious decisions and know the value of what we have. Not knowing why we’re doing something makes it much harder to understand its value. Craving or attraction will always be there, but if I gave in to it, I would lose more than I would gain. It’s certainly important to feel attractive too, but knowing you’re attractive to the person you truly love and admire should always make you feel like the best-looking person in the room. For so much of my life, attraction led without any hesitation to sex. That was the natural rhythm of things—no pun intended. It was just the natural flow of events. But that has changed. One no longer leads to the other.
It’s great to be able to proudly show people photos of my family and know this is what I have.
So for me, the struggle isn’t so much of a struggle, because I tend to be very pragmatic. And weighing the pluses and minuses, it’s a no-brainer. That may not negate the attraction on some level, but it makes the idea of following through on that attraction out of the question. Certain women probably think I’m either stupid or gay. Actually I’m neither, but I’m definitely happy.
Now I acknowledge the attraction and someone desiring me, but it doesn’t go beyond that. Though again, I understand why. Otherwise, it would be much harder to say no—in fact, there would be no reason not to follow through. We need to be clear on why we’re doing or not doing something. If we don’t know why we’re not accepting advances or proposals, then maybe we should just go ahead.
Every choice in life is much easier to make when we know why we’re making it, but that’s lost on a lot of people. Decisions become easier when we understand the pros and cons and the consequences of doing one thing or another. So, to be honest, I don’t find it difficult to say no, despite sometimes being faced with some real interesting opportunities. But would I like myself if I said yes? No.
On all different levels, in all different situations, we have to know the reasoning behind our decisions. I don’t ever want to reach a point in my life when I have regrets about what I didn’t do. And yet there are plenty of things I haven’t done. The key is that I know why I didn’t do them. And thus I know why the decision is not regrettable.
When any of my relationships has been in trouble, it’s always been important to me to know why it was in trouble. And if and when it came to an end, it was important to me to know how I participated in it falling apart. In previous relationships, there were moments when I considered getting involved with somebody else and I thought, No, I have to end this first. Because I wanted to be clear about why that relationship wasn’t working, and I didn’t want it to be because I had been dishonest or had cheated.
By the same token, these days I always tell Erin when we run into women I know—in all different senses—from my past. It’s important that nobody ever has a secret with me that she’s not privy to. She certainly knows my past. I’m a big believer that the fewer secrets we have, the freer we are. That’s pretty much always been the way I approach things, but particularly with Erin, the idea of not acknowledging that somebody in the room is somebody I’ve known or that somebody she’s talking to is somebody I’ve been involved with is far more uncomfortable for me than telling her. Likewise, Erin is beautiful, outgoing, and extremely bright, so for me to believe that her life began the day we met would make me an idiot.
I never thought life would end up like this, but it makes sense. I never knew things would be like this because I had to take the steps to get here, and each step made it more possible. I couldn’t have fathomed the calm and satisfaction I have because that’s not who I was. We learn as we go. We have to know what we don’t want and understand what we were wrong about before we can know what we do want. I’m blessed because I have been able to find out what I was wrong about.
The mistake I made in many previous relationships was that I went into them looking for approval more than anything else. I looked for somebody who would pump me up and boost me. And that’s not grounds for a relationship—especially when I often didn’t even get the approval I had been looking for.
I can argue that I had not yet realized that ceding some control is part of having a relationship. In the case of my first marriage, that was in part because it coincided exactly with the time when I was forced to do the opposite inside the band—I had to consolidate control in the band for the sake of its survival.
But a relationship’s success still comes down to who we’re having that relationship with. We can’t marry somebody who is at best ambivalent about giving up independence—the whole purpose of marriage is to combine. When we pick somebody who on some level doesn’t want to do that and pulls away, the natural reaction may be to try to pull them closer, which makes them pull away farther, which in turn makes you want to try again to pull them closer. Pretty? No. Pretty futile? Yes.
A relationship should bring out the best in both people and not provoke the worst. Too often, we have an agenda in a relationship. And if things don’t go the way we anticipate, we rationalize and find a way, because we have our agenda and we have our script. A lot of people think, “Oh, it’ll work out when we’re married” or “It’ll work out when we have a child.” Well, I’m here to tell you, it’s not going to.
A good partnership or relationship can only be built over time. And it can only be built over time because it’s dependent on how each partner responds to various situations, including critical situations, and on how they respond to each other’s needs. Obviously the commitment has to be reciprocal, but our partner must be somebody we can depend on—and the extent to which we can depend on them in various situations can be determined only through experience. Anyone can be a good person when things are going well, but a person’s real character is revealed when the chips are down.
I had a medical scare years ago, and because it was a very frightening prognosis at that moment, I called two women I knew—one being Erin, whom I’d recently met. The first woman said to me, “Oh, that’s terrible.” And Erin said to me, “Where are you right now?” And that is what you’re looking for: the person who drops everything to support you.
Erin and I dated for more than four years before we got married—and it wasn’t because I wasn’t crazy about her right from the start. But I think we both had to reach a point where we couldn’t imagine not being together. That’s way different from that first blush—which is awesome and can possibly be the first stone of a foundation, but by no means is an instant attraction to someone anything more than a fabulous psychological and biochemical reaction. I had years to see how Erin dealt not only with me but with her friends, emotional issues, medical crises, family problems. That’s key to a relationship—seeing how the person we’re willing to empower deals with things. Not surprisingly, Erin has never, ever disappointed me and has always been able to be there for me without any fear that it implies any weakness on her part. Security in ourselves allows us to do things without giving up our self-worth or self-respect. I’ve seen both sides of that coin in my own life and development—I had to deprogram my past, and experience the sense of self-assurance that came with that process, before I was capable of being there for other people.
I also love the fact that my wife blows me away with her intelligence. I am so thankful when Erin does or says something that makes me think, Wow, I never would have thought of that. It’s a great thing. In fact, I’m suspicious of people who seek out “lesser” partners, people who want to feel superior by being with someone they regard as less intelligent or less together. That has to do with discomfort with oneself. I want to surround myself with people who are on the same path that I am on.
We always have to look at somebody’s track record before we met them, because chances are that will dictate their future behavior. If your accountant has been sent to the slammer for fraud, there’s a pretty good chance he’s going to steal from you too. The only way to justify getting into business with someone who’s been convicted of fraud—a situation I’ve faced—is to pretend the person will act differently toward you. But no matter who you deal with, it’s never going to be you and them against the world. It’s always going to be them against the world. You’re never excluded from the treatment they’ve shown other people. Sometimes you may think you’re joining a movement when that’s simply not the case. If somebody has been ruthless or unethical with others, their same rules will apply to you too.
I learned at some point not to be surprised if I got screwed—in the less-than-ideal way—by somebody I clearly saw screw somebody else before. Earlier in my life, I was involved at various times with women who were cheating on their boyfriends or husbands. Time and again I just took it as the price of admission. Time and again the same brick fell on my head. But then I realized that being shocked at that behavior made me a fool. If I chose certain playmates—no pun intended—I shouldn’t be surprised if they hit me on the head with a brick.
It’s fine to go into a relationship with our eyes and our ears open. Love is sometimes blind. But it shouldn’t be deaf.
When we get into a relationship—romantic or otherwise—with somebody who displays some kind of negative behavior, we may make the mistake of thinking that we’re excluded from that behavior. Sooner or later, the way we see that person treat other people is the way they will treat us. If we choose not to see that, we shouldn’t be surprised down the road. We’re not excluded; we’re next. That’s who that person is.
Sometimes people say they want unconditional love. Well, the person who wants unconditional love is ultimately the person who’s going to bring the least to the table. It’s not about their partner. It’s about what that person wants. Unconditional love means that they expect their partner to tolerate whatever they do, often with no regard for the other person. That’s not a two-way street—and that’s not love, as far as I’m concerned, which is by nature a two-way street.
I knew a woman who was recently separated from her husband and got steeped in asking why her estranged husband was saying this and why he was doing that, and I just said to her, “The real question is, why are you there? You can’t change him. The only person you have control over is you.”
The idea is: Rather than trying to decipher your partner’s behavior, how about figuring out your behavior? Why are you where you are? Why did you choose this person? And why did you accept his or her behavior?
It shouldn’t feel demoralizing to find out your relationship isn’t as you expected. It’s a chance to make a change—for the better.