2

A fortnight later Jonah’s Rolls stole up to the foot of the steps.

Carson alighted and opened the near-side door. And Berry got out.

“Thank you, Carson,” he said. “Do they look all right?”

“They look a treat, sir,” said Carson.

“Good,” said Berry – and turned to us on the steps.

At the foot, he paused: then he uncovered and gave us a film-star smile.

“Marvellous,” said Daphne.

And so they were.

“Are they comfortable?” said I.

“I keep on forgetting,” said Berry, “I’ve got them in.”

“Isn’t that fun?” said Jill.

“Try and yawn,” said Jonah.

The suggestion was enough.

My brother-in-law yawned. But his teeth never moved.

“That’s a great triumph,” said I.

Berry mounted the steps and embraced his wife.

“How does it feel to be kissed by a man with false fangs?”

“Very nice,” said Daphne. “Do it again. And now come in and sit down. Tea’s just about due.”

“I see,” said Berry, thoughtfully. “Tea. Yes. I could do with a cuppa.”

“Bridget,” said Jill, “has made a ‘washerwoman’s cake’.”

“Oh, dear,” said Berry. “I know. I’ll have it upstairs.”

“Don’t be absurd,” said Daphne. “They’ll never move.”

“I’m sure they won’t. They might belong to my jaws. But I don’t want to defile them – they look so nice and clean.”

“They’ll recover,” said Jonah. “A little paraffin in the water, and no one will know they’ve been used. Carson’ll do them for you: he’s got to wash the Rolls.”

As soon as he could speak–

“No,” said Berry. “Supposing they dented the bucket… You blasphemous dog,” he added, “wait till you see the gew-gaws. Their proper place is in the Rue de la Paix. And there’s Bridget. Bridget, come and look at my teeth.”

The housekeeper complied.

Then she turned to Daphne.

“Aren’t they lovely, madam? And they make you look younger, sir. No one would take you for more than fifty now.”

“Bridget’s quite right,” said Jill.

“Poor Faust,” said Berry. “If only he’d known Rodrigues…”

Tea was proceeding quietly, when Berry let out a yell and clapped a hand to his mouth.

“My God,” said Daphne, “don’t say—”

“They’re getting jealous,” howled Berry. “They’ve bitten my tongue.”

Before this contretemps, I confess that we all broke down.

“My darling,” wailed Daphne, “it’s only because you’ve been without them so long.”

“Venomous swine,” raved Berry. “That’s what they are. Turning on the old hands like that. Have to have a false tongue presently.”

To do the occasion honour, we drank champagne that night. Perhaps because of this, dinner went with a bang.

We retired just before midnight.

At a quarter past twelve my sister came to our room.

“Oh, Boy, it’s dreadful,” she whispered. “He can’t get them out.”

Scantily clothed, Jill and I repaired to the neighbouring chamber. Jonah saw us, as he came to the head of the stairs.

Kneeling beside his bed, leaning over a face-towel, Berry was manhandling his jaws.

“But why the posture?” said Jonah.

“In case I drop them,” snarled Berry. “Then they’ll fall on the bed and come to no harm.”

“I should leave them,” said I. “Swill out your mouth like hell, and leave them alone. I mean it’s all to the good.”

“Nonsense,” said Berry. “Nonsense. Their bed of antiseptic is waiting. Besides, they haven’t been out yet. Or am I thinking of dogs?”

Her face pressed into my shoulder, Jill fought not to laugh.

“I’ll get a torch,” said Jonah. “I expect there’s a spring you press.”

“What d’you mean – a torch?” said Berry.

“Well, I don’t want to fumble,” said Jonah.

Berry looked round.

“He doesn’t want to fumble,” he said brokenly. He laughed a hideous laugh. “I don’t think he’d fumble long.”

“Darling,” said Daphne, “for God’s sake leave them in. And ring up Rodrigues tomorrow and he’ll tell you what to do.”

“But my mouth must be cleansed,” cried Berry. “Think of all the mess I’ve eaten tonight. And cheese straws and all.”

Jonah laid a hand on his shoulder.

“If I wash my hands in Dettol, will you let me get them out?”

“Not on your life,” said Berry. “You’ll break the blasted things.”

“Well, get hold of them and pull.”

“You can’t be rough with them,” said Berry: “they’re a very delicate job. A chaplet of pearls, they are. Two chaplets. Jewellers’ work.”

“Stronger than you think,” said I. “Go on. Put it across them.”

Berry bent to the bed and covered his face with the towel.

After some frightful contortions, he laid the towel carefully down and looked about him.

“Mell, matph map,” he mouthed. “Mope a man ptmep mem mack.”