After the incursion, Miss Lee started teaching us normally. She was quite nice, but for homework she made us do a project about trains. What could be more boring than that?
PROJECT TOPICS MORE BORING THAN ‘TRAINS’
This was my first attempt at the project.
TRAINS PROJECT
Trains take you places. You get on them, then they move, then they stop, then you get off. I never catch trains. Canberra doesn’t even have them, except if you want to go to Sydney, but it’s quicker to drive. Trains probably have an engine or something to make them go, and a steering wheel, and I guess seats to sit on, but I wouldn’t know because, like I said before, I never catch trains.
I knew it was pretty bad, but the subject was too boring to spend any more of my valuable time on. I wanted to go outside and try to beat the wall in tennis. On the other hand, I didn’t want the first project I did for my new teacher to be hopeless.
Then I had a brainwave. I’d get Dad to do my project for me.
Parents usually only agree to help you when you can’t do something for yourself. When you’re born, your parents do everything for you – feed you, dress you, download games for you, even wipe your bottom (YUCK!). But as you get older, they think you should do more for yourself. As soon as they see you walk, they won’t carry you anymore. As soon as they see you cut up your food, they won’t do that anymore, and as soon as they see you wipe your bottom, they’re out of there (fair enough).
Unfortunately, I worked all this out too late. If I’d known how it worked from the start, I wouldn’t have let Mum and Dad see me walk until I was eight.
Dad knew I was capable of doing a project on trains by myself, but I had a few ways of getting him to do things for me.
HOW TO GET PARENTS TO DO STUFF FOR YOU
METHOD 1: IT’S SOMETHING THEY WANT YOU TO DO
SAM: Dad, can you get my book from my room?
DAD: Why don’t you get it?
SAM: I’m so tired after school. I can’t move. Maybe I should play on the iPad instead. It’s right here.
DAD: (JUMPS UP) I’ll get the book.
METHOD 2: THERE’S SOMETHING IN IT FOR THEM
SAM: Dad, can you get my book from my room?
DAD: Why don’t you get it?
SAM: I could, but I just had this brilliant idea for Father’s Day and I’m planning it out.
DAD: (JUMPS TO HIS FEET) Don’t move.
Then there was Method 3, the one I was going to use to get Dad to do my trains project. See, Dad loved trains.
METHOD 3: ENGAGE PARENT’S ENTHUSIASM
SAM: Hey, Dad, can you help me with my homework?
DAD: Have you done as much as you can yourself?
SAM: Definitely.
DAD: What is it?
SAM: A project on trains.
DAD: (RUSHES OVER) Wow! How exciting!
SAM: I’m a bit stuck.
DAD: I’m not surprised. There are so many areas. The history of trains, how they work, the creation of the first steam-powered locomotive, the future of trains, how the electric train works, improvements in passenger comfort, the list goes on and on. How long does your project have to be?
SAM: Three pages.
DAD: Whoa!
SAM: I know.
DAD: How will you fit everything in? Can we do eight?
SAM: No!
DAD: Hmm. This is going to be a challenge. I’ll get all my train books and magazines. Let’s start with the first steam engine. Everyone knows it ran in 1804, of course, but how many people know what colour the seats were?
So, for the next half hour, Dad did my project. He chose the subjects, did the research, worked out what to write and printed out the pictures while I ate chocolate biscuits.
Unfortunately, he thought it’d be wrong for him to actually write the words, so instead he dictated them to me.
The next day I handed it in and Dad got an A+. I was really proud of him. Miss Lee even got me to stand up while she told the whole class how great ‘my’ project was.
‘Sam clearly has a great love of learning,’ she said. ‘I hope you can all follow his example.’
At home, Mum (who didn’t know Dad had done all the work) was really proud of me.
‘An A+!’ she said. ‘Oh, Samuel, well done.’
‘It was nothing,’ I said, which was true.
I knew what was coming next.
‘It’s so good you’re doing well at school,’ said Mum.
Any second now.
‘If you work hard you might follow in my footsteps! Did you know I came top of my year?’
‘You have mentioned it before, Mum.’
Mum had told me about 100 times.
‘Oh. Are you sure?’
I wondered how Mum had been able to do so well at school when she had such a bad memory.