When I got home from school, I lay on my bed thinking about how stupid Gary was, and about how I didn’t even care that he didn’t want to be my friend anymore because he sucked, and about how I wanted to sneak into his back garden and steal his stupid pool – except that would be quite tricky because pools are really big – and about whether there was some way I could get out of cheating for Johnny Wilson, and, most of all, about how I really needed to figure out how to fix things because it was all going bad, but I couldn’t think properly because Abby kept crying and crying and crying.
What did she have to cry about? All her friends weren’t deserting her.
I heaved myself off my bed and sat at my desk. For homework, I had to write an argument about whether dogs or cats were better but I couldn’t concentrate because of Abby crying and this is what I wrote:
Dogs are better than cats because dogs are much friendlier, and Abby’s crying again. Dogs are always pleased to see you, but cats just ignore you, and Abby is still crying. It just goes on and on even though her life is perfect. Everyone gives her presents and she just lies there and has no homework. It’s so loud. BE QUIET! If you go on holiday cats hate travelling and I hate the sound of crying and I can’t think and dogs and dogs and dogs and dogs and dogs and STOP CRYING.
I had to block out the noise. I got some earplugs and shoved them as far into my ears as I could. They helped a bit, but then, after I re-wrote my argument and tried to get them out, I accidentally pushed one in deeper and it got stuck. Every time I tried to grab it, I pushed it in further.
What if the earplug kept going in further until it got into my brain and I became a zombie who just walked round saying, ‘I am an earplug. I am an earplug’
I got a knife to try and spear it. I’ve had some dumb ideas, but shoving a knife into my ear was probably the worst ever.
READERS BEWARE: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!
SAM: (INSERTING KNIFE INTO EAR) Okay, little plug, come here. In fact, come ear! Get it! Classic.
Okay, calm down, big guy. This is a delicate operation. Steady hand. Here we go. OWWW! MY EAR! Okay, it’s all right, It’s probably just a little cut. I’ll get it this time. Come on, Sam. AHHHH! OWWWW! That one hurt. Need to block out the pain. Third time lucky. AHHH! OWWWW! MUM! I’m bleeding! I cut my ear! Three times!
Mum freaked out (of course) and, even after I’d explained why I stuck the knife in my ear, told me how silly I’d been nine times.
Meanwhile, the earplug was still in there.
MUM: We’ll use the vacuum cleaner.
SAM: What if it sucks my brains out?!
MUM: I’ll just put it on low.
She held the nozzle against my ear and turned it on. There was a huge WHOOSH in my right ear and it felt like my brains were getting sucked out, then I heard a POP!
‘Got it,’ said Mum.
I’m pretty sure I lost some of my brain too, because when I did my maths afterwards I couldn’t work out what six times three was.
After I finished my homework, I flopped on my bed and tried to figure out the teacher’s pet problem. Maybe I could just be my normal, nice, loveable, friendly self and everyone would see that it wasn’t my fault that I was the teacher’s pet, and start to treat me with the respect and kindness I deserved?
Yeah, right. As if. This was primary school, not a Support Group for Unpopular Children.
I needed something that would make me popular again – like Swirly had, or Gary’s pool did for him. If only I had a pool.
‘You are soo cute,’ said Mum from down the corridor, but of course she was talking to Abby, not me.
Then I had it. The baby! The baby could be my pool!
Everyone who visited us seemed to think Abby was super exciting. I knew lots of kids at school had little brothers or sisters, and they complained about how stupid and irritating they were, but babies were different. Everyone loved babies.