Two plans, two failures. Actually, worse than failures because my plans had made things worse. Now everyone was angry with me because the lolly rewards were gone, and Johnny Wilson was doubly angry with me because he had to do extra maths.
On the bright side, at least I was still coming up with plans (even if they were terrible ones that didn’t work). That afternoon I’d had another idea to get some popularity points. Some kids were getting phones, and anyone who had one was instantly cool. So I needed a phone.
Often when I tell Mum I need something, she says, ‘You don’t need it. You want it.’ That may be true about non-essentials like textbooks or shoes or a shower, but if having a phone made you cool, I needed one.
Back when I lived in Adelaide, we once had a yo-yo craze, and everyone hassled their parents to buy yo-yos. Then a month later the yo-yo craze was over and no one cared about yo-yos anymore. I wondered if the phone craze was going to be like that.
Unfortunately, when it came to technology, Mum and Dad were a bit old school, although that was slowly changing. For example, a few nights earlier this had happened:
(AT HOME AFTER DINNER. MUM, DAD AND SAM SITTING IN THE LOUNGE ROOM, ABBY LYING ON THE FLOOR.)
MUM: I love that actor Johnny Depp. Remember those ‘Pirates of the Carrying Bean’ films?
SAM: It was ‘Caribbean’.
MUM: Cary Beean? Who’s Cary Beean? No, it was definitely Johnny Depp who was in them.
I’ve never heard of Cary Beean.
SAM: No, it was ‘Pirates of the Caribbeannot ‘Pirates of the Carrying Bean.
MUM: I’m sure it was ‘Pirates of the Carrying Bean.
SAM: No way. Google it.
MUM: (PICKS up PHONE) I will.
DAD: (SHAKING HEAD) You know, up until 15 years ago, people didn’t just reach for their phones and google things when they disagreed. They used to discuss it and work out the answer.
SAM: No, they didn’t. They’d reach for that other thing . . . you know, the big, paper version of Wikipedia.
DAD: An encyclopaedia. And it wasn’t a big, paper version of Wikipedia. In fact, Wikipedia is actually a digital version of an encyclopaedia.
SAM: That’s so interesting, Dad.
DAD: (PLEASED) Thank you. (PAUSE) Oh. You were being sarcastic.
SAM: I was. Anyway, you said people had been googling stuff for the last 15 years. Google’s been around longer than that.
DAD: No, it hasn’t.
SAM: Yes, it has.
DAD: No, it hasn’t.
SAM: Has.
DAD: Hasn’t. (PICKS UP PHONE) I’ll prove it.
SAM: Ha!
DAD: What?
SAM: You’re googling it.
DAD: (STARES AT PHONE) Oh, no. What have I become?
If I was going to persuade Mum and Dad to get me a smartphone, I had to be smart. The day after the ‘Operation Cheating-for-Johnny-Wilson’ and ‘Operation Steal-the-Lollies’ both went horribly wrong, I put ‘Operation Get-a-Phone’ into action.
(NEXT DAY. SAM ARRIVES HOME AFTER SCHOOL.)
MUM: How was school, darling?
SAM: (PUTS ON A SAD FACE) Oh-kay, I guess.
MUM: What’s wrong, Samuel? Are you getting bullied? Did someone steal those nice carrot sticks I gave you for play-lunch?
SAM: No, it’s fine.
MUM: (PATS COUCH BESIDE HER) Come and tell me all about it.
SAM: (SITS) It sounds kind of babyish . . . I mean, I’m in year 6 now, but I kind of . . . missed you today.
MUM: Oh, Samuel. (TEARS APPEAR IN HER EYES)
SAM: It would’ve been fine if I could’ve just talked to you for a moment, but you can’t do that at school.
MUM: Oh, darling.
SAM: Yeah.
MUM: Oh, sweetie.
I was hoping that Mum would think up the brilliant idea of getting me a phone at this point, but she didn’t, so I had to nudge her along.
SAM: There are a few kids who communicate with their parents during the day.
MUM: How do they do that? Do they go to the front office and use the telephone there?
SAM: No, they have their own phones.
MUM: (LONG PAUSE) Oh.
SAM: I wouldn’t want a fancy phone . . . I don’t need games and music and all that rubbish, but it’d be great if I could text or call you. And the other day when I was at Gary’s we kind of got bored and I had homework and wanted to come home early, but I was too shy to ask to use their phone. But if I had my own I could have just sent you a text.
SAM: And it would mean you could get in touch with me anytime you wanted.
MUM: Hmmm.
SAM: And it would mean you could get in touch with me anytime you wanted.
MUM: Hmmm.
I wanted to keep pushing it, but I knew I had to be patient. Mum was suspicious of phones and thought they distracted kids from doing ‘interesting’ things like going for long walks and visiting art galleries. I couldn’t look too eager so I didn’t mention it again.
Then, when I got home the next day . . .
MUM: Samuel, I got you a present.
She handed me a package. I ripped off the wrapping and there it was. A phone!
But . . .
It was an old-fashioned DUMB phone! No internet, no games, no Facetime, no YouTube, no nothing except calls and text. What’s the use of a phone if all you can do with it is call and text?
She might as well have got me a letter-writing kit, or a carrier pigeon.
SAM: (STARING IN HORROR AT PHONE) Where did you get this? A museum?
MUM: Well, you said you didn’t want a smartphone, but it’s actually very hard to find one that doesn’t connect to the worldwide internet. I had to go to five different stores. Do you like it?
The last present Mum had got me was that stupid doll before Abby was born, but this was even worse. The last person to own an old- fashioned phone like this was probably Captain Cook. If I showed up with this pre-historic relic, I’d get laughed out of school.