AS CHILDREN, WE learn how to socialize first within the family dynamic and then in our neighborhoods and at school. We try out social skills as part of a group before we advance to one-on-one encounters. Ideally, this progression goes smoothly and helps to instill us with self-confidence and a lively sense of adventure in our social relations.

On the other hand, if your family tended toward dysfunctional interaction or your peers embraced a rebel or outcast identity, you may have a few oh-so-minor lapses in your social education. And, of course, personality plays a significant role in interpersonal communications. But whether you are correcting less than helpful life experiences or looking to improve upon your inborn social nature, awareness and practice are your best allies.

Evaluate Your Social Skills

How do you feel about your social skills? Up to this point we’ve discussed small talk strategies and body language skills that you can take along with you on social activities. Just like a hostess gift you arrive with, everyone has something valuable to bring to the party in terms of attitude, conversation style, personal revelation, and response to others. It’s important to know your strengths and weaknesses in these areas so you can focus on specific ways to refine or glam up your social panache. Keep in mind whether you’re bringing a desirable asset to the party or something better left at home.

SMALL TALK EXERCISE

ASK SOME QUESTIONS

Some clarifying questions you should ask yourself include:

Attitude—Do you try to be positive or do you bring whatever you are feeling to the occasion with you? Do you believe in your ability to create social opportunities or do you see interaction as out of your hands or primarily fate driven?

Physical presence—Generally, how do you feel about the way you look? Would an updated hairstyle or wardrobe boost help put you in a better frame of mind for socializing? How do you carry yourself? Are you aware of using your body (walking, gesturing, etc.) to reinforce your presence and messages in a social setting? Do others tell you they value your presence (at work, as a friend, or as a bright light in the world)?

Conversation style—Do you enjoy chatting for hours or prefer more limited talk time? What do you enjoy talking about? Do you keep up to date on current events and news topics? Are you a good listener?

Personal revelation—Are you comfortable talking about yourself? Some people can reveal just about anything about themselves and their families with no apparent self-consciousness. Other people are more apt to put a happy face on all their disclosures. Do you easily talk about your skills or expertise? Are you honest with yourself and others?

Response—How do you respond to others? Do you think that you’re perceived as kindhearted, empathetic, supportive, or nonjudgmental? Are you complimentary of others?

Reviewing these essential personality areas can be insightful for you. We can get into a pattern of thinking about ourselves as one “type” of person. Often we too harshly judge our perceived personality type and think of it as unalterable. We’re each so fantastically multilayered. To a great extent, we choose which aspects of our total personality we try to bring out or to show at any given time. Examining your traits in a more positive light, you may find that being more of a good listener and less a lead talker can serve you well in your relationships, as long as you don’t hide behind the listening role. While our essence doesn’t change, life circumstances and experiences do color our personalities for good and bad. Reviewing one’s strengths and weaknesses is not for the purpose of self-judgment. It’s for clarity, so you can focus on the particular steps that will help garner the results you desire.

Recognizing Your Conversation Style

To help you identify your current conversation style, take this brief, just-for-fun quiz. Don’t worry about the results; if you don’t like your conversational style, I’ll show you how to change it. But for right now, let’s just see how you communicate with other folks.

SMALL TALK QUIZ

IDENTIFY YOUR CURRENT CONVERSATION STYLE

What phrase sums up your attitude about social interactions?

a  Life is a stage and I’m the star.

b  What’s not to like?

c  I’m all ears.

d  I like to watch.

Who are you conversationally?

a  You tend to hold court, leading a conversation and keeping your audience enthralled with your life dramas or uproariously laughing at your wit and humor.

b  You enjoy conversing and can find something to say on most subjects.

c  You are a good listener, interjecting comments judiciously when you think you have something pertinent to add.

d  You’re more comfortable letting others do the talking.

What do you like to talk about?

a  Yourself and your adventures.

b  Trivia, movies, music, sports, “in the news” topics, and people.

c  More meaty topics of discussion such as other peoples’ personal stories, the role humans have in affecting the future of the planet, the importance of voting, etc.

d  You’re not sure. You usually let other people bring up topics.

How receptive and responsive are you to other speakers?

a  What other speakers?

b  Other peoples’ comments keep the conversation charged and flowing!

c  You naturally make empathetic and supportive comments and responses.

d  You have much you could be saying in response to others but few words actually come out.

What is your conversation goal usually?

a  To be the most amusing and entertaining in the room.

b  To help make the conversation lively and interesting.

c  Quality over quantity. Making good connections with a few people.

d  To fit in and not make a fool of myself.

How do you feel after most of your interactions?

a  Self-satisfied.

b  Energized and happy.

c  Glad of having met some really interesting people.

d  Regretful that I didn’t say more.

Analyzing Your Score: Three or more responses for any one letter (a, b, c, or d) indicates a propensity toward a primary conversational style. You may bounce between a couple of conversational styles depending on your mood and the personalities of the other people you’re socializing with (e.g., sometimes you give up the floor when someone else is “on” or to a guest of honor). Keep in mind that just because you currently exhibit one style doesn’t mean you can’t move toward another modus operandi. To a great extent, everyone has control over the personal qualities he or she projects and how they are perceived. You don’t have to be quiet and meek. You can be quietly friendly. You don’t have to be loud and brash; you can be lively and generous. Add up your responses and review these brief definitions of typical conversation styles:

A. The Performer—You seek an audience more than you strive for balanced interaction. You’re comfortable in the limelight and can get restless if you’re not leading the conversation. Often exceedingly entertaining, you certainly take conversation pressure off the group or your date. Be aware that your social dominance can run the risk of being perceived as narcissistic after a while. People may get bored if they don’t feel there’s a place for them in the “action.” Watch for people’s reactions, and practice using your extroverted personality to draw others out and hear what they have to say.

B. Easy Chatterer—You read various publications and are aware of what’s happening in the news and with cultural trends, finding it fairly easy to use information in conversation. You come off as friendly and upbeat. Watch interjecting those interesting facts or comments too often or out of context, especially when others have the floor and are trying to take the conversation in a particular direction.

C. Good Listener—While you speak up in conversation, you enjoy really listening to other people, to showing support and letting them know that you are interested. You’re seen as empathetic and easy to be around. Sometimes you may be just a bit of a mystery. Appraise whether or not you could be revealing more about yourself, perhaps in order for others to sense a shared connection or outlook, or for others to glimpse a refreshing point of view.

D. Quietly Present—Just because you’re not comfortable talking yourself up doesn’t mean that you’d rather stay at home. You may try to get out and meet people, but it’s just not second nature to you. As hard as it is for you to fathom, people who don’t understand your nature may misinterpret your quietness as arrogance or as you being judgmental. This means that you have to work a little harder to enhance your social skills so that you’re more vocal. Though you’ve been quiet in the past, this doesn’t mean you can’t bring out more of yourself in the future.

While taking a quiz is useful, be sure to use categories like these only as guidelines. Avoid labeling yourself or letting other people label you. No one is all one great personality trait or completely one character flaw. When we stay open to the presence of opportunities (and stop seeing closed doors), we all have the potential to be more fully what we’d like to be.