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Do I Have to Visit Your Parents?

How to Thrive in Your Relationships with Family and In-Laws

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If you believe what the world says, in-law relationships are a source of pain and struggle. But if you apply some simple strategies, you and your future spouse can do a whole lot more than just tolerate each other’s families. Rather, you can thrive in your relationships with family and in-laws.

Unfortunately, the Bible doesn’t talk a whole lot about in-laws. We only have a few examples to learn from:

Meet Jay and Ashley

In 2009, I met Jay and Ashley when they took the premarried class at our church. They got married a year later, and we’ve been friends ever since.

Ashley: We met when I started my freshman year at the University of Texas. Jay transferred in as a sophomore, and we met during new student orientation. I invited him to a party. He said no, but he did ask for my number.

Jay: I thought she was really cute, and I liked that she had a meal plan and didn’t use all her money. We started spending time together, but I wasn’t really walking with the Lord, so I was hanging out with a few other women at the same time. Fortunately, one of my roommates challenged me to start acting like a Christian instead of playing around. I was acting like a jerk, and I’m glad he called me out on it.

Ashley: We started dating a few weeks later. My mom got married at a very young age, so she wasn’t excited about me dating someone so early in my time at school. Jay and I struggled a fair amount when we started dating. We were both young and immature and argued often about anything and everything.

Jay: I still remember sitting on the swings on campus and arguing about how we spent our time, physical boundaries in our relationship, and college stuff. I wasn’t growing spiritually nearly as fast as Ashley was, so we had multiple arguments over my lack of spiritual growth. We had an on-again, off-again relationship for a few years.

Ashley: We worked hard to resolve most of our challenges and decided to take some intentional steps toward engagement and marriage. I moved to Dallas to finish physical therapy school while Jay stayed in Austin to finish his undergrad degree. We signed up for the premarital preparation class at my church in Dallas in the summer of 2009. Jay was my hero—every week, for eight weeks, he left Austin after class, drove over two hundred miles to Dallas to take our class, and then drove back home that night.

Jay: Those drives were not fun, but they were totally worth it. We loved the class, had some great leaders, and actually ended up breaking up after the class. I know it doesn’t sound like a good end result, especially after all those long drives, but it was completely worth it because the class revealed some significant challenges Ashley and I needed to work through before getting married.

Ashley: I had it all planned out—when we’d get engaged, the perfect wedding at my parents’ house, and what married life would look like. But our premarried class revealed all kinds of things we needed to resolve individually and as a couple. We weren’t ready for marriage.

Sometimes the Best Outcome in Marriage Prep Is to Break Up or Pause

Earlier in this book, I shared the traffic light analogy. Many readers will get a green light and move forward toward engagement and marriage. Some will hit a yellow light and need to pause and work out a few things. This might mean the postponement of a wedding.

I’ve walked alongside many couples who made the wise decision to slow things down and work through some challenges before moving forward toward marriage. They decided to resolve personal sin struggles or relational challenges before getting married. Personally, I believe this is one of the bravest and wisest things a couple can do. It might be embarrassing, but it could be the best thing for you.

Some of you might call things off completely, and that’s okay. I know it is painful and disappointing, but if you are sparing yourselves from a miserable marriage or a divorce down the road, then it’s definitely worth the short-term pain.

If you’re feeling some anxiety about moving forward toward marriage, then talk with your significant other, trusted friends, mentors, and pastors.

Jay: We called things off in the fall of 2011 but still remained friends. We each worked on some of the personal sin struggles we identified through the premarried class, and both got more serious about our faith. I started studying my Bible, finally, and got connected with a strong group of other Christian guys. I think Ashley and I both knew we’d get back together, and sure enough, we started dating again a few months later.

Ashley: Our relationship changed in so many ways the second time around. We didn’t argue like we used to, and we put some good physical boundaries in place and asked for some accountability from friends so that we didn’t spend the night with each other. All was good until we restarted talks about marriage. When we did, the problems started up again. We had arguments about wedding planning, costs, and location, especially between me, my mom, and Jay’s mom.

Jay: The biggest mistake we made was saying hurtful things and choosing sides. I thought my family was right, and Ashley thought her family was right. This led to conflict with each other.

Five Principles for Relating to Your Family and In-Laws

Jay and Ashley’s story demonstrates five principles that will guide you through your relationship with your family and your significant other’s family.

Principle #1: Don’t Choose Sides

When you run to your family of origin and bad-mouth your significant other, it will not go well with you. Let’s be honest: most families think their child is right. Moms tend to think no woman is good enough for her son, and dads tend to think no man can ever be good enough for his daughter.

Whenever you run to your parents and criticize your significant other, you’re perpetuating their belief that no one is good enough to marry their child. It’s okay to be honest and ask for counsel from your parents, but unless you want to create a lot of tension, be careful how you talk to your family of origin about your significant other.

Kristen and I have a rule in our marriage—we never talk badly about each other to either of our families. If we have issues to resolve, then we work them out together or we bring in friends. We don’t ever bring in our families unless they’re part of the problem or part of the solution.

Ashley: With all the blaming, finger-pointing, and arguing, it’s no wonder my family didn’t like Jay and his family didn’t like me. At times I wondered which “team” Jay was on. We eventually had to apologize to each other and to our families for the ways we had talked badly about one another.

Jay: I lovingly stood up to my parents and told them they would not talk to Ashley or about Ashley in a negative way. It was the first time I made her a priority. She finally knew I cherished and cared for her when I had some hard conversations with my parents. Ashley did the same thing with her parents. We both knew if we were going to move forward toward marriage that our relationships with both sets of parents needed to change.

I often see couples show favoritism to one set of parents over the other, especially if one family gives better gifts or has a nicer home. Be sure you don’t let gifts sway you in any one direction. This especially can play out if you have children.

Here’s a pro tip for you: seek to build your relationship with your in-laws. My father-in-law loves all things military. He served in the US Navy for years and still holds a deep interest in the military. To help strengthen our relationship, I’ve read some books about Navy SEALs and the military. We don’t have a lot in common, so I look for ways to proactively build our relationship. Take some time to get to know your future in-laws and develop your relationship with them.

Principle #2: Your Significant Other Becomes the Priority Relationship

When you get married, the priority of your relationship changes. Your parents are no longer the top human relationship in your life. Genesis 2:24 says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

Knot-Tying Tip

What Does It Mean to “Leave and Cleave”?

You might have heard the phrase “leave and cleave” when it comes to parents and in-laws. What does this mean, exactly? The phrase comes from Genesis 2:24, where the man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife (your translation might say something like “hold fast” or “become united” instead of “cleave”).

Leave. You will establish independence from your parents. In the premarital ministry at our church, we like to say children are arrows, not boomerangs (Ps. 127:4–5). In other words, they are shot out into the world to create their own lives, independent of their parents. By no means does this mean the parent/child relationship ends. Rather, it transforms into a new kind of relationship. If you don’t leave your parents, then you can’t possibly cleave to your spouse.

Cleave. As a married couple, you establish your commitment to one another. When you leave your parents’ support, you go somewhere else to find it or have it provided for you. God intends you to find this provision in your spouse. Most children will move out of their parents’ house before they get married for college or jobs, so they will establish some semblance of leaving before marriage. The cleaving part takes place when you make your marriage commitment.

After you leave and cleave, you become one flesh with your spouse (as discussed in chapter 1).

Outside of your personal relationship with Christ, your spouse must be your priority relationship. This doesn’t mean you shun your parents and in-laws, but your priorities change.

Ashley: We struggled to make it through our challenges in dating, but engagement was the hardest season of our relationship, by far. Neither of us was prepared to handle the mess we found ourselves in. Thankfully, Jay said he wanted to fully pursue me and move toward marriage, and he had some definitive steps we were going to take.

Jay: I knew we needed to rebuild our relationship with each other and rebuild trust as a couple. We went back to the basics and applied what we learned about communication and conflict resolution from our premarried class and mentors.

Ashley: We apologized and sought forgiveness from both sets of parents. We spoke with one voice instead of blaming, and we talked to them with respect and honor. We shared some decisions we made as a couple, and we made sure they heard why we loved each other and wanted to move toward marriage.

Principle #3: Communicate with Parents and (Future) In-Laws Like You Want Them to Communicate with You

Before our twins were born, I had a decent relationship with my mother-in-law. I knew she loved me, but I allowed all my insecurities to shine when I spent time with her. I made some poor assumptions about her, and I would imagine she didn’t always assume the best about me either.

She came to Dallas and stayed with us for six weeks when our twins were born. We needed all the help we could get, but six weeks is a very long time—that’s forty-two nights and days, and over a thousand hours! The days leading up to their birth were busy with the typical prebaby preparations: baby showers, crib assembly, and much more. They were also filled with tension between my mother-in-law and me. I know it drove my wife crazy.

On May 25, 2004, the night before the twins were born, Kristen, my mother-in-law, and I sat down at the kitchen table for a heart-to-heart. I apologized for being defensive, argumentative, and short-tempered. I asked for my mother-in-law’s forgiveness and told her we needed to be on the same team so that we could best support Kristen and care for the twins.

This conversation changed the direction of our future. It still wasn’t an easy six weeks, but at least we were all on Team Kristen.Today, my in-laws and I are quick to apologize and ask for forgiveness.

Communicate with your parents and in-laws like you want them to talk with you.

Jay: Our arguments and challenges got much worse when our families got involved. We wanted to move toward marriage, but we walked through some significant family challenges, especially with Ashley’s family. My family wasn’t easy at times either, but we still have some major challenges with her family.

Ashley: Without question, this is the hardest part of my life. My relationship with my parents, especially with my mom, has been the toughest relationship I’ve ever had. For as far back as I can remember, we’ve struggled. I still don’t know just what to do.

Jay: Fortunately, we have a very healthy relationship with Ashley’s sister and her family. But Ashley’s right—we’ve struggled with the relationships with her parents since day one of our relationship. But we can honestly say we’ve done everything we can to build these relationships. We’ve met with friends and pastors from our church, we’ve sought counsel from God’s Word, and we’ve done the hard work of humbling ourselves and seeking forgiveness. At the end of the day, we can’t control how Ashley’s family will respond—we can only do our part.

Principle #4: Do Whatever You Can to Live with Others in Peace and Unity

We want Scripture to be our guide in the area of relationships. Ephesians 4:1–3 says, “Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” And Romans 14:19 tells us to “make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” These passages encourage us to seek peace and unity whenever possible.

At our church we often say, “Draw a circle around yourself and work on everyone inside the circle.” The image provides a great illustration of getting the plank out of your own eye before focusing on the speck in someone else’s eye (Matt. 7:3–5). Before you worry about what someone else has done wrong or how they have wronged you, do the hard work of drawing a circle around yourself and work on the person inside that circle. This will help you in marriage and will go a long way toward helping you grow your relationship with your family and in-laws.

Principle #5: Discuss Holidays with Your Significant Other and Both Sets of Parents

When you get married, you might spend Christmas or another major holiday away from your family. Make sure you and your significant other communicate about holiday expectations.

Many couples switch between families every year. For instance, one year they will go to his family’s house for Thanksgiving and her family’s house for Christmas, and then they’ll swap the following year. Part of it might depend on how many families you need to visit. If your parents are divorced and remarried, then you might have more homes to visit. And if you have children from a prior relationship, you may need to consider scheduling holidays with your child’s other parent. Another factor is the distance you need to travel. For instance, Kristen’s parents live a lot closer to us than mine do, so we visit her family for Christmas every year. The six of us need to fly to see my family, so we look for other opportunities outside of Christmas to visit them.

Regardless, ask your parents and (future) in-laws what they’d like you to do for holidays, and consider their counsel along with your preferences as a couple. With proper communication and expectation-setting, holidays don’t have to be stressful. You can truly enjoy them if you plan ahead and work together as a team.

The Rest of the Story

I’ve walked alongside Jay and Ashley for years as they have tried to heal their relationships with Ashley’s parents. To be honest, I struggled about whether Jay and Ashley were the right couple for this chapter. Every other chapter in this book ends with a (more or less) happily-ever-after story. The other couples in this book worked through their affairs, resolved their conflicts, and learned to live with each other in an understanding way. But this chapter doesn’t end on a good note. Jay and Ashley still don’t have a healthy relationship with her parents.

Jay: Eight years later, things are even tougher and we are in a worse spot than when we walked through our engagement and marriage drama. But I’m loved and supported by Ashley, and we operate as a team. We’ve grown so much as a family through this, and we’ve learned how to care for each other in our trials.

Ashley: I wouldn’t wish our struggles with my parents on anyone. But my tough relationship with my mom has been the single biggest catalyst in my growth in my relationship with Christ. Do I wish our relationship was better? Of course. But I see evidence of Romans 8:28 in my life through my strained relationship with my mom. I see how God indeed works all things together for our good and His glory. Paul also said in 2 Corinthians 12:10 that when we are weak, God is strong. I’ve learned to lean on the Lord and rely on His strength, not my own.

This is the reason that I think Jay and Ashley are the best couple for this chapter. Sometimes you can do everything right and things still don’t end up where you want them to land. Sometimes you act like Jesus over and over and over—you humble yourself, you apologize, you get the log out of your own eye—and you still struggle. Their story is the right story for this chapter because it’s real, and I want you to be ready for reality when you tie the knot. No matter what your story of your family and future in-laws looks like, I hope your faith in Christ can sustain you as a couple.

Am I Ready?

Strengthening Our Knot

Closing Prayer

God, help our story be different from the typical story of family and in-laws. Thank You for guiding us with Your Word, Spirit, and people to help us love our families. Shape us to be different than the pattern of the world, so we can maintain loving, Christlike relationships with both of our families. Give us wisdom to be humble, teachable, and caring with our families. Thank You for your model of leaving, cleaving, and living as one flesh. We pray we’d do that well and still have strong relationships with our families. In Christ’s name, we pray. Amen.