We practiced twice a day, every day.
It actually took more than a week, nine days to be exact. I put that down to all the pressure that the council was putting on me, trying to persuade me to go after Azazel. The manipulative way they tried to convince me that it was for my own good, got me riled every time. Finally, I exploded and attacked Khadi. Luckily, it was only a verbal attack, but it still made an impression. I guess the rippling fur and the changing features in my face helped.
The council was a lot more careful after that. Panat told me that they had realised that I would not be pushed into something I didn’t want to do. They were so used to manipulating people that it almost came naturally. At least now they took me seriously. So that was an advancement.
It did kick my practice back a few days. All serenity was gone. But I was able to regain it quickly. My body was capable of relaxing a lot faster now.
And then, on a beautiful morning, I let the river take me to its destination—my core being. There I opened the door to the inner peace that Panat had told me about, that is in all of us. I can’t explain what I felt when I finally walked through the door into the space beyond. I felt as though I was there. The place I had been searching for all this time. It wasn’t a specific location, just a space. No walls, infinite in its dimensions. There was no colour, and there were all colours.
Even here, there were no answers. But it didn’t seem to matter anymore. It was. And that was ok.
Panat must have known that I had found it. He anchored the moment with the Nepalese word for peace—Shanti. Giving me a direct link to come back whenever I wanted to.
Very reluctantly, I left Shanti and came back to the mountain. Tears were streaming down my face. The rising sun was warm on my face, everything was much, much clearer. I looked at Panat. He was smiling. I could even see a small tear at the corner of his eye. He bent forward and took me in his arms. It felt good. Everything felt good.
We stayed like that for a while. Enjoying the peace.
Slowly, he sat back and we observed each other.
‘You found it.’ It was a statement, not a question.
I nodded. No need for words.
‘Good.’
The feeling lasted.
It wasn’t gone just because I was back in the real world. A residue of the overwhelming peace that I had felt there had accompanied me back and stayed with me. I could see a lot clearer now. I understood that there was more to the whole picture of Azazel than just me killing him. Not that I was all of a sudden a willing participant, but I at least decided to give the council a chance to explain. Something I hadn’t done in the past weeks. I had been so wrapped up in my frustration, so sceptical of the rationales of the council, paranoid really.
But most of all I think it was the disappointment. Not being able to find the answer to the question that had plagued me since this whole transformation started—Why me?
Now I know it didn’t matter. It was me. And that was that. Now I had to get on with life. With my destiny if you like, though I still think that I make my own. Still the control-freak I guess.
Panat showed me how to connect to my peaceful place whenever I wanted to. He had placed what he called a sound anchor. If I said the anchor word, even if it was only in my mind, it helped me to concentrate on finding peace. If I was stressed, then just closing my eyes and willing myself to relax helped. I was able to relieve the tension without killing anyone, a new thing for me.
That way I was able to curb the bloodlust. Just as well, there was no one here that I could have killed without terrible consequences.