I wasn’t there

The rainstorm made the day dull and lights were on, the house pulsing to the beat of loud rock music. Tamsin knocked and waited. No way Elin would hear it in her cocoon of sound. She stepped into the kitchen and called. The roar of a vacuum cleaner competed with the music. She went through to the living room and called again.

Elin jumped and turned as if vacuuming were a crime. Flashing Tamsin a strained smile, she hurried over to the old-fashioned music centre and killed the sound.

‘You’re back. Did you have a good time in Italy?’

‘Yeah, great, thanks. I’ve brought some pics on my phone to show you. But how are you? Shit, I can’t believe what’s been happening. I wanted to come round yesterday, but it was too late by the time we got back.’

‘I’d probably have been up.’ She laughed thinly. ‘What have you heard? Sorry, sit down. I can spare a few minutes, but I’ve got to tidy up.’

‘Sure. I’ll give you a hand.’

‘Thanks.’ Elin was gazing across the room. She hadn’t looked at Tamsin once since she arrived. It wasn’t like her. ‘Bede’s coming home soon.’

‘Coming home? He’s in the clear? I couldn’t believe it, honestly, Elin. I’m sick of Philip and his paranoia. I mean, I know his mum’s ill because of it, and I’m so sorry about that. But she’s your friend too, isn’t she? There’s no way Bede would do anything like that. That’s why I’m here – so you can tell me the real story. Have they let him off?’

‘No. Bail. With curfew conditions and one of those electronic tags.’

‘Wow. He’ll probably take it apart and start working out how to hack it.’

Elin’s expression made her wish she could take it back. ‘It’s serious, Tamsin.’

‘Yeah, sorry.’

Elin bent to unplug the vacuum cleaner. ‘All the evidence points to Bede and he…he hasn’t been himself.’ She flopped against the wall, looking desolate. ‘As you saw. Though I can’t believe he’d do a thing like that and he swears blind he had nothing to do with it. When he bothers speaking at all. I wish I could get through to him.’

‘I’m so sorry. I’ve been awake all night thinking about it – about when we were working on the caravan together while you were up north. He was behaving weirdly. I should’ve noticed, done more.’

‘You?’ Elin laughed incredulously.

Tamsin felt wounded. ‘People say I’m a good listener, you know.’

‘I don’t mean that. Sorry. I’m sure you are. But you haven’t been married to him for the last fifteen years. I’m the one should have seen, should have done something. He gave me enough signs, for God’s sake. And I just took the huff and left.’

‘I’m sure it wasn’t like that.’

Elin busied herself winding away the vacuum cleaner cable. ‘I wasn’t there.’

Her tears spilled over. Tamsin touched her arm. Elin brushed her away and fetched a tissue from a box on the bookshelf across the room.

‘Could you put the hoover away for me, please? Under the stairs.’

As she returned to the kitchen, Tamsin heard a clatter and Elin cursing.

‘God knows what this is doing here. Could you put it in the stand by the front door, please?’

She handed her a walking stick.

‘That’s nice.’ Tamsin examined it; the smooth loop at the top fitted her hand perfectly, though it was made for someone taller.

‘Bede fell in love with it at Halbury show and I bought it for him.’ Elin’s face clouded. ‘I’m surprised it hasn’t gone on the fire like everything else.’

‘Too useful,’ Tamsin said, trying to defuse the atmosphere. ‘More his image than the crutches.’

‘He obviously thought the same. There’s mud on it, look. Idiot. If he damages his wrist or his ankle because he’s not following medical advice, we’ll just be back to square one.’ She shook her head. ‘No, we won’t. We’ll never be back to anything.’

This time she allowed Tamsin to hug her as a stray sob escaped her. It was scary to see cracks appearing in this woman who usually took everything in her stride. Elin’s world had become part of Tamsin’s and the cracks were beneath her feet, too.

When the time came for Elin to go and collect Bede, Tamsin got a lift to the village. As they crossed the bridge, she looked at the swollen river not far below and the submerged fields to either side. It had been dark when they crossed on their way home the night before, and Tamsin hadn’t noticed how high the water level had become.

‘It won’t be long now,’ Elin said. ‘We’re going to be flooded again. Not so long since last time.’

‘It might not happen.’

‘It will. Now it’s got this high, and rising. It’s still raining, probably more so up in the mountains.’ She sighed. ‘They’ll be busy moving stuff in the shop. I feel bad that I can’t help.’

She had to get Bede home. As Tamsin listened to her saying how the village would probably be off-limits to him but they were lucky he could come home at all, it became clear to her how bad things were. Arson, attempted manslaughter, attempted murder, even. She thought back about the warnings – her mother’s, which she’d brushed off, and Silvan’s, which she’d scoffed at as teasing – and the way she never quite knew how to take Bede. Yet she admired Elin’s loyalty.

‘Do you want me to go and ask if they want a hand at the shop?’ Tamsin said as she got out of the car.

Elin managed a smile. ‘Thanks. I’m sure they’d appreciate any offer of help.’

‘Shall I come and see you later? Moral support?’

‘If you don’t mind getting your head bitten off.’ Elin smiled wistfully, paused for a moment longer, then drove off.

Before she reached the Foxover Storehouse, Tamsin felt her phone buzz and stopped to read a text.

Can’t wait till tonight, bae. I can take a short break in about ½ hr. See u at mine? S x

Glancing guiltily between the shop ahead of her and the raging river behind, she decided that an hour or so wouldn’t make much difference. Better to wait at Silvan’s, catch up with him first, then go along to the shop afterwards.

It was only the second time she’d been to the gamekeepers’ scruffy house on the edge of the village. One of his housemates let her in.

‘He’s not back yet. Go on up if you like.’

He gave her a knowing look; she prided herself in meeting the older boy’s eye nonchalantly, feeling how much she’d grown up over the last few weeks.

Silvan’s attic room was as much of a mess as she remembered. Her room at home was better than this – bigger, brighter and cosier – but she wished he’d ask her here more often. She’d do anything to get away from her mum, her brother Simon, and now Philip. Stepping over strewn items of clothing on the floor, she made her way over to the window. There was a clear view of Bridge Farm. At first glance it looked untouched, until she saw the black ghosts of smoke staining the walls around a couple of windows. With a slight shiver, she imagined Silvan getting up, seeing the glow and rushing out. Just her luck to miss out on the excitement – why did she always manage to be away at the wrong time? She looked at her watch. Not long now before he’d be here to tell her about it in person.

She gathered some half-empty mugs together to take down to the kitchen. Shaking her head, she took his guitar from where it lay across the tatty sofa and set it on its stand, then bent to pick up an ashtray. As she straightened, she noticed a battered notebook sticking out from under a cushion. Another glance at her watch told her she had a few minutes. It might be where he jotted down his songs – she didn’t always get his lyrics, but she might catch a glimpse of an out-of-character love song, or… Boys didn’t usually keep diaries, but Silvan was different. It would be cool if he’d written something about her.

Carefully noting where she’d taken it from, she sat down and opened a random page.

Her breath caught. The handwriting struck her before a single word registered. This wasn’t Silvan’s spidery writing. This was Joe Sherwell’s. She flicked through and it fell open at a page marked by a No Surrender gig flyer.

10 September, 2001

I love some of the things our Bede comes out with. This evening we were up above the house looking at the weird orange glow in the sky. ‘They should learn to love the darkness,’ he says. ‘As long as there’s enough sunlight by day, enough light indoors to see by, darkness itself isn’t a threat. Don’t you agree?’ And he waves his arm out over the landscape. ‘Lighting the darkness not only gives them a false sense of security, but creates a deeper shadow beyond. So they tame that shadow with more light. Where will it end?’

And he looks at me as if he’s said something embarrassing. I nod, encouraging like, and he starts talking about how he used to imagine the streetlights as big cleansing fires across the hillsides of his childhood, scary and inescapable. It’s times when he opens up like that when I realise how close we’ve become.

The words our Bede and how close we’ve become had been underlined in blue biro and a belligerent circle surrounded big cleansing fires. Catching her breath, Tamsin glanced towards the window then flicked through to a page near the back that also fell open, similarly scrawled over.

So the tractor’s on the road at last. Never thought he’d do it. That showed me, didn’t it? Showed them, showed all those who think we’re hiding away doing nothing! Watch out, gas guzzlers!

Three additional blue biro exclamation marks had been added in the margin.

It’s been such a beautiful day. Not just the weather – we’re more than that. The three of us – I can’t express how much they mean to me. How lucky I am. Since they got married and came to live here, none of the rest of it, none of them, matter any more.

‘Oh, don’t they?’ the blue biro pronounced in Silvan’s writing.

I tried to get in touch with our Niall recently but he doesn’t want to know. Like our Emma didn’t. And I’m amazed to find I don’t care any more. Sod ’em. I have a new family now. And who knows, one day there may be more. Grandchildren – well, grand-nephews and nieces. Never thought I’d be bothered about that, but I heard them arguing about starting a family and it got to me. I’ll have to have a word with our Bede. It sounded serious. I don’t want something like that to come between them. Us. Not now. The thought of a new life, chance for a new beginning thrills me, but I know we can be perfectly happy just the three of us, too. We’ll get through it either way. We’ve achieved so much together, and there’s so much more we can do.

The river’s rising and I fear there are floods on the way, but that won’t stop us.

Our next

The sound of footsteps on the stairs threw her into a panic. She shoved the diary back where it came from and sat trying to look casual as the door opened.

‘Tammy!’ Silvan paused, looking her up and down. ‘You’re early.’

She tried to nudge the book further beneath the cushion with her leg as she stood. ‘I was in the village – thought I’d surprise you,’ she said. ‘Did Liam tell you I’d arrived?’

‘Yeah. I’ve missed you.’ He grabbed hold of her and kissed her hard, then stepped back and studied her. ‘You’re looking good. Beautifully tanned. You’ve obviously had better weather than here.’

She smiled. ‘It’s been good. As good as it could be without you.’

His eyes slid past her to the sofa. ‘Have you been waiting long?’

‘Not really. I was just looking out at Bridge Farm. Thinking about what happened.’

‘Were you?’ He moved to perch on the sofa, head cocked insolently up at her. ‘From here?’

‘No. No, of course not. A few minutes ago, I mean. Go on, tell me all about it.’

He got up and wandered over to the window as if sight of the house would help the story. He turned suddenly.

‘You looked guilty as hell when I came in.’

Her eyes flicked down to the side before meeting his. ‘I wasn’t sure… Liam said come up, but I didn’t know if you’d mind me being here.’

‘Mind?’ He glanced down to where she’d just looked. ‘Why should I mind?’

He stepped towards her and gripped her arms tightly.

‘You’re hurting me, Silvan.’

‘What were you doing?’

He gave her a brief shake to emphasise his words. She jolted against the sofa and the book fell to the floor. They both stared at it.

‘Did you read it?’

‘I… No.’ Her voice caught in her throat.

Holding her wrist vice-like with one hand, Silvan leaned forward and picked up the diary with the other. ‘Don’t lie to me, Tamsin. You know what this is, don’t you?’

She swallowed, shaking her head without speaking. He put the book down on the sofa and grabbed her other arm.

‘So why try and hide it?’ he demanded, shaking her again.

‘Stop it!’ He continued to glare at her. ‘Please, Silvan, let me go. I…I don’t know anything about it.’ She struggled but knew she was no match for him physically. She searched his face, trying to find the warmth in his dark eyes that had first captivated her. ‘Honest, I was…I was just being nosy. What’s the big deal, anyway?’

She moved to touch his face, distract him. He turned away. ‘Don’t try it on. You saw it, didn’t you?’

‘So it’s a diary. Looks like it could be Joe Sherwell’s.’

‘Full of lies!’

His intensity scared her.

‘So what?’ she said quickly. ‘I never even knew him. Did you? How come you’ve got it? Why—’ She was dying to know why Silvan had made those notes in it, but the look on his face silenced her.

‘Me?’ He raised his eyebrows. ‘You’ve been away, Tammy, you don’t know how bad things have got.’ He sighed and the tension ebbed a little. ‘Sorry, I over-reacted a bit. Bede’s flipped. He…he was burning some old stuff so I took the liberty of rescuing this plus a few other bits. He’s a mate, you know, despite everything, and I thought he might regret it later.’

‘Does he know you took it?’

He gave her a hard stare. ‘Got bigger things on his mind now, hasn’t he? Seems like it’s not the only burning he’s been up to.’

‘You don’t know that was him.’

He laughed harshly. ‘Trust you to take his side. There’s enough evidence. They’re questioning him now, so I believe.’

She looked away from the cold gleam in his eyes. ‘What’s the diary got to do with it?’

‘Nothing. Except maybe he was going to burn that, too.’

He laughed. She forced a smile as he drew her towards him. She wanted him to be telling the truth. For it to be all right. She pretended it was as he released her arms and ran his hands through her hair. She drew away, reached down and quickly picked up the notebook.

‘I think we ought to, like, give this to Elin to look after.’

‘Don’t be stupid. Give it back, Tamsin.’

She had no idea what it was about, but he was scaring her. She clutched it tighter.

‘Look, I’ve got to go. See you.’

He lunged at her; she dodged and ran for the door. She tripped halfway down the stairs. The floor came up to meet her in a hollow swoop before she managed to grab the banister. She hung for a moment, steadying herself, as footsteps thumped down behind her.

‘Tammy! Wait! It’s not what you think. Come back and let me tell you about it.’

Doubting he was going to tell her anything she wouldn’t rather hear from Elin, she fumbled with the Yale lock, wrenched the door open, tumbled out and slammed it closed behind her.

She dashed from the house, heading for the high street. A strap on her sandal had broken when she fell; she stumbled slightly as she ran, but reached the junction. Across the road, the door of the pub beckoned. Two cars passed, the time they took magnified by the sound of Silvan’s feet getting horribly close. She finally made an impatient dash towards the entrance of the pub car park. Brakes screeched and a horn sounded. She hadn’t seen the car pulling in. Her sandal gave way again; she fell and the book flew from her hand. Silvan dashed past her and picked it up.

‘Give me that!’ she yelled.

Scrambling to her feet, she saw Brian getting out of his car, obviously shaken. ‘Is everything all right?’

‘It’s OK, mate,’ Silvan said calmly. ‘I’m trying to explain to her. I’d written something in my notebook here that I shouldn’t have. I’ve apologised but she just won’t have it. Come on now, Tammy, you’re showing us both up.’

She shook her head. Tears of shock and frustration soaked her face. ‘Give me that book!’

‘It’s not important. See? This is how unimportant it is.’

He strode across the beer garden where the river was lapping dangerously close. Brian looked at Tamsin in confusion. Silvan reached the fence and hurled the diary into the churning grey water.