No need for words

Eighteen months later

The little nests of light sailed downstream, flickering flames weaving fire patterns into the grey-brown tapestry of the evening current. Thirty-six miniature boats drifted off to merge with the orange streaks of fading sunset. And onwards, gradually moving out of sight round the lazy curve of the river, to fade, to burn out. Maybe to give unexpected pleasure to someone else along the way. Maybe not. This was theirs. If someone else happened to share it, that was fine.

Elin snuggled into the embrace of Bede’s arm gently draped on her shoulder.

‘Thank you.’

‘Happy birthday,’ he murmured.

It was a remarkable gift to celebrate the unremarkable thirty-six. Sometimes he’d simply give her a present. Sometimes it was different, a random flight of fancy. He was certainly more a man of gestures than things. She recalled her initial shock, some seventeen years ago, when he’d revealed the tattoo, his sign of commitment to their future life. She now reached up and gently traced the inked leaves showing in the open neck of his shirt, visualising the green-man-garlanded body art that delicately twined across his shoulders, leaves drifting to waters that meandered down his back like a seamless extension of his long, sandy-coloured hair. He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it.

The wind rustled the willow leaves of their plantation behind them. She looked again at the steadily vanishing lanterns. Like their miniature voyage, it hadn’t been a smooth or easy ride. For the past year and a half, he’d hardly given her anything. She understood, but it was good to have him back. Leaning over, her hand on the cool grass, she looked around at their friends. Fran smiled.

‘Happy birthday, Elin.’

She moved to give her a hug. Jeff did likewise. Fran exchanged conspiratorial glances with Bede; Elin now knew why, for the last few days, her friend had periodically vanished to the inner sanctum of the workshop. Elin had been busy with spring planting, and the atmosphere of contentment that had recently settled over Alderleat had soon turned any pangs of jealousy or exclusion into the anticipation of surprise. So now she knew: Fran had been helping Bede weave miniature baskets from scraps of withies.

As the last of the little boats bobbed from view, Kip came panting back along the bank, tail waving like a banner. He’d set off in fascination after the lanterns, trailing them as far as the hedgerow in the next field, and now his return was zigzagged by the distraction of evening scents in the undergrowth. Bede called him and ruffled the dog’s mongrel brown fur as he settled at his feet.

‘He says we’ve had enough of this inactivity,’ he announced. ‘And I’m inclined to agree. Night hike, anyone?’

Jeff rolled his eyes. ‘Can’t we just—’

‘I’m up for it,’ Fran said, deliberately ignoring her husband’s help-me-out-here eyes. Elin smiled to herself. She was well aware that Jeff tolerated these occasional forays into country living for the sake of Fran’s and her friendship. Their current visit was nearly over and, after a week of fresh air and activity, Elin could almost feel the couch beckoning him across the gently-sloping water meadow. There was nothing she fancied more than heading for the open country beyond the house, but that was countered by the prospect of dragging a reluctant Jeff along, or leaving him behind and forcing Fran to make an awkward decision.

‘How about a compromise?’ she said, throwing a rope to a drowning man. ‘What about a walk, but we make it pubwards? I could fancy a birthday drink.’

She looked at Bede, who nodded. It was hard to tell whether his smile was forced or genuine, but when he released Kip to run off after some enticing rustle in the willows, the dog’s burst of energy felt like a statement.

‘Sounds good to me,’ Jeff said, his voice full of gratitude. ‘Should be far enough even for Action Man to work up a thirst.’

‘Sure.’ Bede stood and began to gather up their things. ‘I just thought it’s a nice night and you two aren’t here much longer. But the Horseshoes is fine by me. C’mon, birthday girl.’

He reached out and helped Elin to her feet. As Fran and Jeff set off, she hung back, allowing them to go ahead. The river was now sleek and dark. She and Bede gazed at the serpentine current for a moment, no need for words, before turning and walking up the gently sloping swathe of grassland between the willows and their boundary.

Kip caught up with them as they passed a stand of the alders that gave their name to the house and smallholding. Alderleat had been their home for almost fifteen years – for the last couple, since Joe’s death, theirs alone. They crossed the lane to the house that beckoned with its ancient patchwork of brick and stone-built walls, its arched black eyebrows above the windows. The turbine stood guard on the hill beyond and the waterwheel waited in readiness, invisible but equally present, at the side of the workshop.

By the time they’d dumped the picnic things and gathered jumpers and jackets, Kip had settled on his favourite chair. Elin was relieved. Joe had been accustomed to taking his dog everywhere, including the pub, but Kip’s in-your-face inquisitiveness didn’t suit everyone, and home was the probably the best place for him on a busy Friday night.

As they walked down the lane towards Foxover, Bede drank in the scent of foliage hanging in the dusky air. The spring growth was almost tangible on warm nights like these. The leaves of the willows whispered to their right, along with the gentle sound of the river beyond, and a faint tang of sheep drifted towards him from Frank Barnham’s fields to the left. Heightened by the darkening night air, soft sounds floated towards them from the village over the background murmur: a car in the distance, a door banging, a hint of voices.

He looked at Elin, wondering how to share the simple elation the evening air gave him. Can you feel the shoots growing too? Doesn’t it make you feel…?

She smiled before he’d found a way to express it. The meeting of their eyes heightened the shared feeling where words would have reduced it to banality. He glanced back over his shoulder; even Jeff seemed moved to a listening silence. Or maybe his mind was simply on getting to the pub and sinking a couple of pints.

Come on, less of the negativity. What’s actually wrong with the guy?

Bede tensed; Joe could still catch him unawares every now and then. Strange, he’d been sitting on the riverbank, the very place, for the last hour and not felt a thing. There was no logic. He should have spoken his green-shoot thoughts out loud to Elin, kept his mind on what really mattered. He’d got good at it; just sometimes… He reached for her hand.

Around the bend in the lane, they passed beneath the shadowy trees of Holtwood. The evening breeze rustled in the leaves, carrying the sounds of an extended family of rooks settling for the night, their busy cawing interspersed with the intrusive hollow chak of distant pheasants.

He could sense Elin’s annoyance at the reminder of Philip Northcote’s expanding shoot, and the far more ominous threat of the potential fracking site hovering over the fields beyond the woods. He squeezed her hand but said nothing, unwilling to contaminate her birthday evening.

The sound of a car on the bridge and the dazzle of approaching headlights caused them to step aside onto the verge as it passed, before walking on. They now had a clear view of the road all the way to the ancient stone bridge, and spread out to walk four abreast. The two women were in the middle and Bede glanced across, as ever struck by the way Fran’s auburn, pre-Raphaelite dreaminess complemented Elin’s short, dark elfin practicality. He’d always envied them their friendship.

‘I can’t believe it’s our last full day tomorrow,’ Fran said.

‘Anything special you want to do?’ Elin asked.

Fran gestured towards the trees. ‘Didn’t you say you needed to collect some timber?’

‘You want to work on your last day?’

‘Yeah, Fran,’ Jeff cut in. ‘I’m not sure—’

‘It’d be great,’ Fran insisted. ‘Change is as good as a rest. Especially if… Do you think the river’s low enough for us to do it by making rafts? It used to be the highlight of our visits. Remember that time when…’

She fell silent. It had been Joe’s idea to make hard work fun by bringing the logs home on the water instead of taking the tractor and trailer. Bede took a deep breath and surprised himself with how easily the words came out.

‘Yeah, I think it should be fine. Great idea. Haven’t done that for a while.’

He hoped the actions would come as easily as the words. Elin shot him a look of relief mixed with concern. ‘You sure?’

Jeff waved a hand dismissively. ‘I really don’t—’

‘Perfectly sure,’ Bede said. ‘We’ll check it out in daylight tomorrow, but I don’t see why not.’

Jeff continued to grumble and Bede left the women to work their charm on him as they crossed the bridge. In the riverside pub car park, he noticed Carole Denman’s 4x4. He knew better than to make his customary remark about either its excessive size or the fact that she lived within walking distance; tact was the order of the day around Carole since the Frack-Free Foxover group had come together. Despite their differences, she and Elin had become friends, united by the campaign, with Carole even joining the community shop cooperative. Bede only wished, for Elin’s sake more than his own, that he didn’t always sense a spark of antagonism from the woman. As they entered the lounge bar, Carole had her coat on ready to leave. Elin thanked her for the birthday card and flowers she’d sent.

‘We’re here for a birthday drink,’ Bede said. ‘You fancy joining us?’

‘Thanks, but I only called to see Angie. I ought to be… I’ve got such a busy day tomorrow.’ She made a show of looking at her watch and smiling at Elin. ‘Oh, go on, then. A quickie, seeing as it’s you.’

Doubtless if it had been Elin who’d asked, she wouldn’t have hesitated. He shrugged it off and a few minutes later was glad to get a warmer welcome from Brian behind the bar. The Horseshoes had its usual Friday-night buzz, a lively crowd of familiar faces mixed with visitors enjoying a drive out.

‘Elin’s birthday, eh?’ The landlord looked over to where she and the others were settling at a table near the large inglenook fireplace. ‘This round’s on me.’

‘Cheers, mate.’ Bede grinned. ‘Anyone would think you were after something.’

‘Can’t a man have a flush of generosity in his own pub?’ Brian winked as he put an elderflower pressé on the bar with the rest of the drinks. Bede registered that he hadn’t noticed Fran with a glass of beer or wine all the time they’d been here. He made a mental note to ask Elin about it.

A guitar struck up from the far corner. He looked over to see Gareth, one of the music-night stalwarts, and a lad in his early-to-mid twenties he’d seen around over the last few days.

‘You squeezing in extra music sessions on a Friday now?’ he asked Brian.

‘Gareth got talking to Silvan there the other day and they asked if I minded them practising here. You know me, I’d have ’em in every night if they were willing.’

It was the perfect accompaniment to the chatter of a busy pub. Bede gathered three of the drinks between his hands and carried them over to the table.

‘Back in a sec.’ He went over to the musicians on his way to fetch the remaining drinks, hoping Elin wouldn’t notice as he swerved around a group of people standing by the bar.

Gareth looked up as he approached.

‘Hello, Eco,’ he said, pausing in his playing.

‘Evening. I wondered…could you give us some kind of birthday song?’ He gestured back towards their table. ‘For Elin.’

‘Sure. We can think of something, can’t we?’ He looked at the other guy with his spiky black hair, ear full of studs and T-shirt proclaiming No Surrender, who was ostentatiously absorbed in bringing a complicated passage to a close. He could certainly play, and Bede said so.

‘Thanks.’ The young lad’s fingers paused and he glanced up at last. ‘Request, did I hear?’ He wrinkled his nose. ‘I’m not into rousing choruses of “Happy Birthday”.’

His accent was local Shropshire, unlike Bede’s northern or Elin’s Welsh. Probably not a visitor, then, though he was new to the Horseshoes. He looked like he could be interesting to get to know.

‘Me neither, mate, me neither,’ Bede said. ‘One of Elin’s favourites will be fine. You know what she likes, don’t you, Gareth?’

Gareth nodded. ‘Have you two met?’ He performed a flourishing wave of his arm. ‘Silvan – Eco.’

‘Bede Sherwell.’ He offered his hand. The young man had a firm handshake and this time looked at him directly.

‘Silvan Bewlay.’ He fingered a leather friendship bracelet at his wrist. ‘Bead? As in jewellery?’

‘No, as in Venerable.’

‘You what?’

‘The eighth-century monk, later sainted. Famous for his EcclesiasticalHistory of the English People – the Anglo-Saxons, that is.’

‘Whoa, listen to you! You some kind of historian?’

‘Nope. Mechanic with an enquiring mind.’ He was reminded of why he’d begun his first term at high school as Ben. The experiment only lasted a few weeks; it soon became evident that it took more than a name to gain peer acceptance. ‘You grow up with an unusual name, you want to find out about it.’

‘If you say so. So your folks were historians,’ Silvan persisted.

‘Sorry to disappoint. My mum once told me she was captivated by a programme – Open University or some such – in the small hours during a night of pregnancy-induced insomnia. Said she hoped the name might endow me with some of that quiet, calm wisdom – something neither she, my father nor anyone else in the family seemed blessed with.’

It was probably the only clue she had ever given him to his father’s identity: a man not blessed with quiet, calm wisdom. That narrowed it down.

‘So what’s your excuse? I bet you were the only Silvan in your class.’

‘Never thought about it. A whim of my folks, I guess.’ He strummed a casual chord. ‘Didn’t he just call you “Eco”? What’s that about?’

Gareth laughed. ‘Spend long enough in his company and you’ll find out. You’re lucky he hasn’t given you a lecture already.’

‘Oh, I usually save the lecture till at least the second meeting.’ Bede winked. ‘I’ll spare you this time – I’d better be getting back to the birthday girl. Nice to meet you, mate. Enjoying the music, thanks.’

He collected the remaining drinks from the bar and went back to their table. Fran reached out melodramatically for her drink.

‘Where d’you get to? I’m dying of thirst here.’

‘Sorry.’ He waved an arm vaguely across the busy room. ‘Got a bit waylaid. Needed a word with Gareth about the pool team.’

Elin smiled and patted a stool beside her own. He wondered how her expression could so fluently convey that she knew perfectly well what he’d been up to but wasn’t about to spoil his surprise. ‘Is the music going to be a regular Friday thing?’ she said. ‘I’ll bring my guitar next time.’

‘Nothing official, but I’m sure they’d welcome you.’

‘Who’s the new fella?’ Carole asked. Didn’t we see him the other day in the shop?’

‘He’s called Silvan.’

‘Has he moved to Foxover?’ Elin asked.

‘Possibly. Judging by his accent he’s from somewhere round here. He didn’t say and I never thought to ask.’

‘You’re hopeless.’ Elin rolled her eyes and exchanged a look with Fran. ‘Interesting young ace guitarist comes to the Horseshoes and he can’t be arsed finding out who he is.’

‘I’ll try and do better next time, Mrs Sherwell.’

Elin ran her hand through his hair and kissed him. ‘You’ve done well enough for me today. I was just telling Carole about your wonderful birthday present.’

‘It sounds quite something,’ Carole said. ‘Really imaginative.’

‘No need to sound surprised,’ Bede replied and smiled in a vain attempt to cancel out his tone of voice. ‘I have my moments.’

‘If anyone else had done something like that you’d probably have regaled them about a frivolous waste of resources.’ Carole glanced apologetically at Elin. Rather than take offence, Bede simply felt glad he didn’t have a monopoly on tactless remarks.

‘It was anything but waste,’ he said calmly. ‘A classic case of “upcycling”.’ His fingers formed air quotes in disdain for a trendy term to describe something they did as a matter of course, and he was relieved to see Elin’s look of amusement. ‘But in any case, creating something beautiful to make my wife happy is not what I’d call a frivolous waste.’

Elin stepped in. ‘And I really appreciate it. I’m sure Carole didn’t mean to criticise you.’

‘Wouldn’t dream of it,’ she said.

Bede was saved from having to think of a reply by Gareth calling for hush and announcing a song for Elin’s birthday.

21st October 1998

It all started a few weeks ago with the phone call. That voice, out of the blue – almost a man’s, newly broken as if he didn’t yet know what to do with the depth of it. Would’ve struggled to know what to say in any voice, I guess, and I can hardly blame him.

‘Joe?’ he says. ‘Joe Sherwell?’

I confess I was a bit short with him. It had been a bad day in the shop and I’d had enough of talking to people.

He goes on, ‘It’s Bede here’ or some such, and I replied ‘Come again?’

He repeats it, his tone giving it, how many guys called Bede do you know?, and my silence saying just as eloquently, none. ‘You know, Lydia’s son.’

‘Lydia?’

Lydia I know, of course, despite the years of estrangement. Son, I don’t.

‘Your sister, yeah? I have got the right number, haven’t I?’

And it begins to dawn on me and I go ‘Aye, sorry mate, I just wasn’t expecting this’, or something like that, and he gives it, ‘She told me to call but it’s obviously not the right thing to do after all, sorry to bother you, I’ll leave you in peace.’

That got me to panicking and I more or less yelled at him to stay on the line.

And he told me she was dying.

It was just so weird a fortnight ago, seeing him there, a real live fifteen-year-old, so soon after making my peace with our Lydia. I didn’t go to the funeral, wasn’t hard to keep my distance for the benefit of everyone concerned, but he kept me a handful of her ashes – he may be an awkward sod but seems his heart’s a good ’un – and we took them and offered them up to the wind on Birkland Hill, said he needed his own space with his mum, too, away from ‘them’. Jesus Christ, do I need someone else’s baggage on top of my own! But seems she told him I’d be a mate so I’d better try and do the right thing this time.

Anyway, what with my sister’s unexpected reappearance and equally unexpected (to me) death, finally seeing her boy and putting a reality to him, it must all be showing on the surface despite my best efforts, and Suzie starts on at me, asking what’s up. Of course the subject of our Lydia and all that happened has always been a no-go area, so I manage to brush the inquisition off and hope it’ll pass. Then she gets convinced I’m having an affair. Won’t let it go, says she knows me too well.

Not that well. But even if it’s no bloody affair, there’s still all this stuff bubbling back to the surface that I clearly don’t have a hope in hell of hiding, let alone dealing with. Niggle, niggle, niggle. Two weeks of it till I got back from my last fishing trip to find her threatening to chuck me out. Bags packed and ready in the hall. So I only went and told her, didn’t I? Told her my sister had died, and I’d seen her one last time. Well, it wasn’t enough and she wants to know why, why I went to see her, why it’s getting to me like this, and what did happen to come between us anyway? In the end it seemed like I had no choice but to confess to her.

She chucked me out anyway so that I wished I really was having an affair – at least I’d have had some fun to show for it. So here I am, with nothing to my name but my car (I made sure I grabbed the keys) and a couple of rooms above the shop to call home.

I’m minded to go and drown my sorrows, but I know what a slippery slope that is. I’ve been sitting here scribbling this instead. Whoever said writing it all down helped? They haven’t a bloody clue.