Stars

if I call this story the one true one;

say there’s something I have to say;

say the many ways of saying it;

say the many ways of not;

like starting somewhere in the faraway past;

because everything starts at the same dumb point;

the void, the big bang, the expansion into;

the world we know or say we know;

I’ll say summer, then, at the shore;

say our house was the biggest house there;

say my father was gone, and my mother was such a bitch;

say we went to the jetty, now, to get fucked up;

because the jetty was higher than the dock;

the water was rougher below;

and the local guys who followed us there;

the guy I liked, and the game the girl and I played;

it should never have been a game;

it was all about scaring ourselves;

we were addicted to being scared;

we wanted so much that feeling of something coming to get us;

we wanted that something to whisper into our mouths, You’re fucking done;

this had to do with our privilege;

with our private schools in the city;

and being groomed to be something big;

I was being groomed to take over;

and I mean the world, and I mean it all;

but my mother decided to punish me;

because I’d fucked up is the reason she gave;

so she pulled me out of private school;

To build your character, she said;

Your character, she said, is weak;

because I’d gotten too good at our game;

it had become such a competition;

it had become a sort of fixation;

it was something to do with the girl;

I was done with her;

so I wanted to be the best at it, and I was;

I practiced in my bedroom, standing on the edge of my bed;

I pretended the floor was the water;

I pretended the things inside it;

such murderous things, and you sometimes had to take that risk;

even balanced on one leg;

even on your weak leg;

even when your mother walked into the room, said, What in the hell;

and then, at night, on the actual jetty, the real water crazy below;

we lured so many guys there on that one night;

we said we had beer, we would play our game;

the guys could watch us standing on the edge;

like stuck in some kind of system;

like binary stars, some tragic orbit;

waiting for a force to reroute us;

the very definition of game;

not brutal, though, like the games the guys played;

like the one they called buried in the sand;

the one they called dart in your face;

they watched us until they got bored;

and you never got used to their boredom;

you tried anything to lure them back;

you did any dumb thing to make them watch;

take another day that summer;

a basketball hoop on the other side;

the local guys splitting into teams;

us girls on the grass like where are you going;

so we decided we would play too;

neither of us had basketball skills;

we didn’t care about being good out there;

we just cared about looking good;

but the game just didn’t end well;

I mean it didn’t end well for me;

because I broke two fingers in the game;

because the girl blocked me as I was shooting;

and being stopped midshot: this is what I mean by force;

and falling to the ground: this is what I mean by rerouting;

and when the guy I liked ran over;

the only one who was moving;

not even the girl was moving;

and the girl had ruined the whole fucking game;

no, I ruined the game by competing;

I’d been known to compete, to ruin it all;

now this is my mother’s voice;

this is me getting scolded;

this is another day, the morning after the night on the jetty, everyone still crazy;

but it wasn’t my fault, I said;

it was the girl’s own fault, I said;

I was already done with the game;

and that’s true in a way;

I mean the beer was gone, and the guys were bored;

so I was done with the game, but I deep down also wanted to win;

this is the definition of privilege;

to think you can have it both ways;

and to think you can;

well, you fucking can’t;

when I screamed, it was just to speed up the game;

it was just to get attention;

I screamed, I’m taking off my shirt;

I wasn’t taking off my shirt;

but now the guys were watching again;

and the girl was laughing at what I said;

I guess I knew she would laugh;

but I didn’t think she would fall;

because no one ever, before this night, did;

you just reeled for a second, then lowered your leg, then lost;

I still don’t feel right about this;

it wasn’t the way to win a game;

a girl falling through the dark;

the sudden cold and wet;

the pull of something stronger than you can fight;

then the summer ending sadly;

my mother dragging me back to the city;

the public school like a prison;

the walls painted the sickest colors;

the lockers too, and those awful clocks;

and the metal detectors at the doors;

the security guards at the doors;

the cameras pointed at every kid in every room;

it was waking each morning to the darkest thoughts;

thoughts like this place will wreck you;

like the color of the walls will wreck you;

like these kids will fucking kill you;

my friends were at the private school;

my real friends with their ironed shirts and tightly pulled back hair;

they would wait for me, my mother said;

they would not, I said;

they would forget, I said and, Fuck you, I said;

mornings, my mother walked me to school;

I didn’t need her walking me;

but I was not to be trusted, she said;

at the front gate, she always tried to fix the way I looked;

she would touch my hair, and I never liked her touching me;

and the kids watching from the yard;

her hurt look when I ducked and ran;

her dumb hurt look that I still get sad to think;

there were science nights on the roof of the school;

telescopes pointed at planets;

some guy and I were forced by our mothers to go;

we would take our turns looking at the sky;

then we would sit on the other side of the roof;

we would smoke and look at the view;

there were as many lights there to look at;

as many things we couldn’t explain;

one night, we got caught by the teacher;

the rumor was this teacher was a witch;

her nails were filed to absolute points;

we called her crazy to her face;

but all we got was yelled at then sent home;

and they called my mother, because of who I was;

and have I even told you who I was;

have I told you the kind of privileged I was;

before we lost our privilege, that is;

and my mother, can I say how furious;

needless to say I was going back to private school;

my punishment would be over;

everything would be back to what we called normal;

my short skirt, my blazer;

my hair pulled back in the tightest knot;

all of my friends there waiting for me;

all of them now so scared of me;

I was the real thing now coming to get them;

the ugly thing that would take them all the way down;

but was it my fault the girl fell in;

fault is too strong a word;

but did it happen because of me;

she was there for a second, then not;

then I stood for a second, stuck;

I mean I didn’t at all help out;

and what was I thinking;

I wasn’t thinking;

girls drowned falling from shorter heights;

they drowned in shallower water;

and I can’t go back and do the right thing;

I can only tell you this girl was saved;

that the guys jumped in and saved her;

it had just been crazy for a while;

all this commotion on the jetty;

then all this commotion in the water;

then all this shit the following day;

the girl’s mother, my mother, and someone had to be punished;

for having a weak character;

for being addicted to being scared;

for being addicted to being watched;

and wasn’t one terrible night enough;

wasn’t one girl who drowned too much;

and what was I thinking;

and what was I feeling;

well, at least I still was feeling;

now, this is the definition of privilege;

this is the only one;

and guys on the jetty don’t matter;

and nights on the jetty don’t matter;

and nights on the jetty are nights on the dock;

and nights on the dock are nights of girls falling;

and all the girls falling is one girl drowning;

and that girl doesn’t matter;

not by the end of summer;

not with that certain feeling;

that feeling one might call it a weight;

school around the corner;

months of snow and dark;

and the basketball game feels like a dream;

not a dream but a daydream of freezing time;

and if only I’d pressed pause;

made the planet’s spinning stop;

just to think for a second;

or not think for a second:

but the girl was trying to block me;

she was trying to crowd me, and the guy said, Play nice;

so I said to the girl, Play nice;

then the girl had a decision to make;

be a good player or be a good girl;

so there came a moment the girl was distracted;

and I was standing alone in that moment;

and in that moment, the guy passed the ball;

I was close enough to shoot;

I admit, even shooting, I was still just trying to look good;

I shot the ball like look at me;

the guy clapped when I took the shot;

and the ball looked like it was going in;

and I wanted so bad for it to go in;

I wanted so much to score;

to walk away like no big thing;

to go back to the grass, like game over;

but the girl was in my face again;

I could feel my fingers breaking;

I fell to the ground for the longest time;

someone called time out;

then the guy was running toward me;

my hand was on top of his now;

and we’d been here before;

he’d saved me before;

but not like he saved the girl;

not like an actual savior;

jumping off of the jetty;

crashing into the water;

just to save some girl he never even liked;

I watched the rest from the sand;

I watched as the girl stumbled away, the guys holding on to her arms;

I waited there as the sky got light;

I sat there until my mother came to get me;

She could have drowned, she said;

I could have drowned, I said;

I should have drowned, I said;

and did I even mean it;

does it even matter;

either way, she looked so scared;

and she should have been scared;

we all should have been;

I don’t need to explain this;

and eventually, this moment had to end;

it was time for us to go home;

and what else is there to say;

just the story, I guess;

the true story, I mean;

the terror I haven’t told you;

so here, now, is the night on the dock;

so here is the girl who will drown;

here is the girl now on her knees;

and the kids who are going to push her;

the kids are too drunk, and the girl is too drunk;

and here is her just-fucked hair;

here is her perfect face;

here is the opening of her mouth;

and the words that aren’t her words;

the words from something holy;

and the words from something not;

and the hands on her back, and the world goes dark;

then the thoughts that make me wild;

thunderstorms and fireflies;

sky and our sick fascination with stars;

the telescope on the roof of the school;

Jupiter’s moons lined up like that;

or rings around Saturn like some kind of joke;

I could take you all the way into space;

I could take you so far back in time;

I could make you feel the things I feel;

or I could make this thing a fiction again;

say the basketball is going in;

say the dead are coming back;