Over the years I’ve worked with many parents and teachers who come to me with a child or a teen who is out of control. The first meeting is usually like this: “My child doesn’t listen,” “My child has tantrums,” “My child is disrespectful,” “My child hit me,” and so on.
I ask them about their communication style. “Well, I interrupt my child. I scream and yell. Sometimes I say things I regret; sometimes I lose it.” I’ll admit that staying in your robot is hard work. Adults have many emotional hot buttons that when pushed, can drive them nuts, and they are calling at us, coaxing us, to scream, yell, cry and stamp our own feet.
Some kids are difficult most of the time, and it takes lots of patience not to lose your cool. Other kids are fine most of the time, and then boom—like a time bomb, they explode and stop cooperating. Why, why, why, can’t they just behave?
Here’s why: They are little humans. They have good days and bad days just like us. When was the last time that you didn’t get frustrated at work, or while being on hold with the insurance company, or while waiting all day for the delivery that never comes, or while waiting by the side of the road for assistance when your vehicle has broken down?
As adults, for the most part, we have learned to modulate our emotions and keep them in check. We have learned not to kick the police officer and scream at the nice tech person we’ve been on the phone with for two hours while our computer continues to crash.
Sometimes, we even procrastinate, put things off, get distracted—we skip washing our faces or brushing our teeth before we go to bed, stay up too late, and break the rules. Sometimes—yes, it’s true—we have temper tantrums right in front of our kids!
So the next time your child
• talks back;
• whines;
• begs;
• hits or kicks;
• spits or bites;
• throws a tantrum;
• swears;
• threatens to leave, run away, or live with another parent/caregiver;
• ignores you or walks away;
• throws or breaks things;
• intimidates you;
• becomes melodramatic;
• tries to guilt trip you; and/or
• leaves you out of the loop,
remember that it is your job to teach him or her how to act, how to emote, and how to get his or her needs met. If you are patient and loving and understanding, your child will get it. If you melt down while they are, they will become confused.