Do you sometimes feel that you and your teenager live on different planets? Do you and your teen get frustrated and angry at each other? Do you notice that your take on a given situation is miles away from your teen’s experience? If so, you are not alone. In fact, most parents of teenagers sometimes get mad at themselves for losing control and wonder what they can do about it. Sometimes the solution isn’t what you think. Let me tell you how my son didn’t get me and I didn’t get him. I want you to know that we didn’t just resolve this situation, I was also able to approach parenting in a whole new way from then on . . . and so will you.
Here is our story.
Parent Coach Susan Epstein’s Real-Life Experience with her Two Teenagers
Mom’s Point of View
A few summers ago, I was standing in the checkout line at the Gap with my two teenagers, Daniel and Sarah. We had just completed our yearly back-to-school shopping. With every item Dan had selected and had to have, he tossed it to me to carry. Now, I am a petite woman, I am 45 years old, and I had worked all day; it is 9 p.m. We have been in the mall since 6 p.m., and I was exhausted, irritable, weighted down, and broke. In one hand, I was holding two pair of pants, a sweatshirt, shirt, four pair of boxers, and a sweater. In my other hand was my purse and $250 of clothing that I purchased for Sarah at Old Navy.
There were three checkouts and four to five people in each line. It was a mob scene. I was almost there; I could already feel myself sinking into my bed and nodding off into dreamland. I was dead on my feet. I glanced up at the counter, and two of the checkout girls, not much older than my son, are giggling and discussing what they would be doing when they got off work that evening. I felt as if I have been in this line for 10 days, and I want to scream! Instead, I turned to my kids and said, in a whisper, “This is ridiculous!” Dan looks at me with disdain and hisses, “I hate it when people do that . . . it’s soooooo rude!”
One of the girls looked up from behind the counter and sheepishly said, “I’ll be right with you.” I was instantly shamed. My more-than-truthful comment made me look like the “mom from hell” to the back-to-school shopping crowd.
Daniel’s Point of View
We were at the gap. Mom was so cool; she was getting me whatever I want. I was going off to college and she felt bad. She liked everything I choose. I can’t remember a better shopping spree with Mom. She was even carrying everything for me. We got everything I wanted in less than 30 minutes, and there was still plenty of time left to see my friends. It was awesome!
Now it was time to pay. We got in line. The line was really long. My cell phone rang, and it was one of my friends. We talked for a while, and then I told him that I’d pick him up real soon. I had taken my own car to the mall so I could split as soon as we were done.
My mom was breathing heavy and was looking really irritated and crabby. How can her moods change so quickly? All of a sudden she blurted out, really loudly, “This is ridiculous!” It was horrible; everyone in the store was looking at us. I tried to hide and to pretend that she was not my mom, so I said, “I hate it when people do that. It is soooooo rude!” Again, all eyes were looking at us, and I look away, again pretending I don’t know her. Even the hot girl behind the counter knew how embarrassing it was to be out with your parents. She looked right at my mom and said, with an edge, “I’ll be right with you.” There, my mom was put in her place.
Now I feel bad: I want to be with my mom, but sometimes she can be such a dork!
Writing this experience from Daniel’s perspective really helped me see where my son was coming from. We had different agendas: He had plans to go out with friends; I had plans to sleep. We had different energy levels: He had slept until noon; I had been up since 6 a.m. I was sad about him leaving for college the following week, and he couldn’t wait to get to his dorm and meet his roommate. I showed Dan this piece after I wrote it, and we talked about how we sometimes see things from different angles. After this, I began to take a step back when I was confused about my teen’s behavior. I thought about it from his point of view, and then I checked it out with him to see if I was on the right track.