CONFLICT PHOBIA
NOW THAT YOU’VE BEGUN to reclaim your power, it’s important that you build on that foundation by becoming your own greatest ally and advocate. This means developing the tools you’ll need to stand up for yourself. As you learned in the previous chapter, power is the spiritual energy that fuels your efforts to live an authentic, purposeful life. You saw that by allowing your mind to focus on self-defeating thoughts or by using words and actions that lower your self-esteem, you hide your power. There is another way to lose power—by giving it away to others.
When you allow others to rob you of time, energy, or peace of mind, you essentially give your power away. For example, if you avoid conflict by not asking directly for what you want, or neglect to set boundaries with someone who steals your energy, you put other people in charge of your life. And, as you allow others to call the shots, you send a message to yourself (and others) that you are not worthy of having your needs met.
One morning while taking a shower, my friend Caroline noticed two small moles on her chest that looked suspicious. After several days of trying to convince herself that nothing was wrong, she gave in and made an appointment with her dermatologist. One week later, feeling anxious, she arrived early for her appointment and was shown to an examining room.
Caroline was told to change into a scant gown and that the doctor would be with her shortly. As she sat on the table waiting for the doctor to come in, her nervousness increased. After 45 minutes, Caroline grew frustrated and even more anxious. She was tempted to get dressed and visit the reception area to find out what was taking the doctor so long, but not wanting to appear pushy, she decided to sit patiently and wait.
Fifteen minutes later, her doctor walked in with an intern and asked Caroline if it would be all right if his intern observed the examination. Without missing a beat, Caroline immediately said, “That’s okay,” and the examination began. Inside she was furious. She thought to herself: “I can’t believe I have to sit here waiting for an hour and then be made to feel vulnerable while a stranger watches my chest being examined! This is so humiliating and I feel so embarrassed. How could my doctor be so insensitive?” Twenty minutes later, when Caroline left the office with a clean bill of health, she was still fuming. But the focus of her anger had shifted. She was furious with herself for not having said something to her doctor.
Later that afternoon, Caroline called to tell me what had happened. When I asked her why she didn’t speak up, she simply said, “I don’t know, I felt embarrassed and just couldn’t seem to find my voice.” From there she proceeded to beat herself up by comparing this event to all the other times when she had neglected to stand up for herself in the past.
I’m sure you’ve had your own share of experiences that left you feeling angry with yourself for not speaking up or for agreeing to do something that you later regretted. For example, maybe you couldn’t bring yourself to speak up to a friend who criticized your parenting style or to a stranger who cut you off in line at the post office. You might have agreed to help a friend with her computer on a night when you really would have preferred staying at home with your family. Or maybe you’ve been unable to request a long-awaited raise at work, or to set a boundary with a friend who constantly complains about the drama in her life.
For most of us, putting the needs of others before our own is an unconscious habit we’ve carried with us since childhood. Hungry for love and approval, it becomes second nature to automatically say yes without considering the consequences. It’s only human to want to be well-liked, appreciated, and valued. But when we become full-fledged people-pleasers who spend more time worrying about everyone but ourselves, we get into trouble. We become martyrs, or at best, chronically resentful, and we’re not much fun to be around. My client Theresa was a good example of someone who was stuck in the martyr role.
Theresa was known for being the mom in the neighborhood whom everyone could count on. If someone needed a baby-sitter, they called Theresa. If kids needed to be car-pooled, you could usually find at least four in her car. When it came time to celebrate a birthday, Theresa always stepped in to throw the party. When her adult children left home and got into trouble, they always called mom to bail them out. After years of playing the hero, Theresa was burned out and bitter.
During every one of our initial conversations, Theresa complained about her kids’ problems, and about the friends who never initiated contact with her. She said she felt resentful and lonely and wished that people appreciated her more. Instead, she said, they only turned to her when they needed something. I was beginning to understand why.
Sometimes people-pleasing is just a familiar jacket that we put on in childhood and wear into adulthood. As one of five children, Theresa learned to please people early in life to get attention. She helped out at home, worked hard to get good grades, and was the first person to support her friends when they were in need. As an adult, this role wasn’t working anymore. Her friends were tired of “feeling” her resentment and hearing her complain about her kids. In one of our coaching calls, while talking to Theresa about taking responsibility for the situation she had created, I challenged her to stop being a martyr and take on a new, more empowering role. Theresa agreed that she needed to stop giving her power away to others by setting better limits on what she would and would not do. She was ready to shed her martyr role and take her power back.
If people-pleasing isn’t a familiar role, there may be other reasons why you don’t stand up for yourself. For example, if you project your fear of conflict onto someone else, it might keep you from telling the truth. Or you may want to avoid the inevitable uneasiness that comes with differing points of view. Maybe you suffer from “conflict phobia”—an aversion to conflict of any kind.
Does the phrase “go along to get along” sound like your motto in life? Have you ever been able to discuss a difference of opinion comfortably with someone without feeling your heart rate soar and your palms sweat? Perhaps you’re conflict phobic. See if you identify with any of the following statements:
• You tolerate bad behavior from others and often fantasize about what you should have said after an altercation.
• You feel sick to your stomach at the mere thought of having to stand up for yourself.
• You immediately feel “charged up,” as though electricity were coursing through your veins, when faced with conflict.
• Rather than address any kind of conflict, you turn to food, alcohol, cigarettes, work, house cleaning, or television to numb your anxious feelings.
• You rationalize bad behavior and try to downplay your hurt rather than confront someone who treated you poorly.
• You replay a negative exchange over and over in your mind trying to make sense out of someone else’s inappropriate behavior.
• You passively apologize or agree rather than speak your truth.
If you see yourself in any of the above statements, it may be an indication that you give your power away by avoiding conflict or by not speaking up for what you want. Conflict phobia has its roots in early childhood based on how friction and disharmony were handled in your home. Did your parents resort to yelling, belittling, or violence? Were you emotionally or physically abandoned after an outburst or argument? Could you express yourself freely without fear of harmful repercussions? Our fear of conflict starts at home. If you saw your parents handle day-to-day problems with yelling, physical violence, or shaming behavior, it’s only natural that you’ll have a tough time with conflict later in life.
While attending a family reunion on Cape Cod, I witnessed a chilling example of how messages about handling conflict are passed down from parent to child. One night, while getting ready for dinner, I overheard a man in the next room yelling at his young son. The boy, who must have been about four years old, was crying loudly. While the boy was crying his father was yelling at him to stop. The more he sobbed, the more his father yelled. I was shocked by what I heard the father saying: “If you don’t stop it, Jack, I’m going to give you away! I’m sick and tired of you crying all the time. Stop it right now or else.” As this man yelled, the boy just cried harder, until his father took a dramatic step. He opened his front door, put his young child outside, and slammed the door shut!
Having learned not to incite a parent further by attacking their actions, I walked over to ask the man if he needed help. But before I reached the door, he immediately yanked the child back inside. I stood outside the door stunned by what I had seen, and finally, feeling rattled, I walked away. It was such a blatant illustration of how parents teach children about conflict through their own reactions to distress. While I was sure this man’s anger and frustration had more to do with other circumstances, I knew that his overreaction and rage would have a direct impact on how this little boy responded to conflict in the future.
The mishandling of conflict in your family need not be as dramatic as the example above to create a fear of conflict. My client Connie had a mom who gave her the silent treatment whenever she was upset with her daughter’s behavior. Although Connie was never yelled at or physically harmed, her mother’s silence left Connie feeling emotionally abandoned and seriously wounded. Each time her mother shut down, Connie was terrified by the thought that she may never speak to her again. As she reached adulthood, Connie avoided conflict at all costs by doing the very thing her mother did, when faced with disharmony—she shut down and remained silent.
Often our fear of conflict requires therapeutic intervention. For example, if you are unable to follow the advice in this chapter, or if your attempts to stand up for yourself with a toxic family member (the most challenging of all) fail, it may be an indication that there is deeper work to be done. Because our personal history has such a strong effect on our ability to stand up for ourselves as adults, it may be necessary to heal past emotional issues before taking any action. For example, if violence was a part of your past, you may have such a strong reaction to any kind of conflict that you become immobilized by your fear. In this case, the idea of asking your boss for a raise may very well bring up feelings of terror. If the emotional charge around a situation is out of proportion, no amount of planning will make facing conflict bearable. You need to do the emotional healing work first.
This is important. Too often I’m approached privately by audience members who are struggling with a toxic person. This person is usually a demanding or highly critical family member. After trying everything under the sun to tell the truth and heal the relationship (which usually means twisting themselves into a pretzel to make the other person happy), he or she never finds a resolution. They’re usually desperate for a new strategy to try and make the relationship work.
First of all it’s important to note that if you cannot tell the truth and be yourself with someone, it’s not a relationship; it’s an arrangement. When you have difficulty setting boundaries with a toxic person in your life, it may be that you need the support of a good therapist, not a new method of relating.
One of the main reasons we avoid having difficult conversations is because we lack the language for resolution. Most of us have never been taught how to tell the truth with grace and love. Instead we usually wait until we’re so charged up, resentful, or angry before we address an issue. Then, brimming with strong emotions, we end up projecting our anger or frustration onto the other person and, as a result, rarely get the resolution we desire. In fact, we only make matters worse.
The costs of not standing up for yourself are significant. Each time you neglect to ask for what you need, or to confront someone who treats you poorly, you chip away at your confidence and self-esteem. Your emotional well-being suffers as you stuff your feelings inside and beat yourself up for what you should have said or done. And when you keep putting off a difficult conversation, as you’ll see in Robin’s case, you just increase the chances of it happening over and over again.
My friend Robin became aware of the cost of not standing up for herself after getting sick on a week-long retreat with friends. Her roommate had invited along a woman named Adrienne who was known for making sarcastic remarks. Throughout the early part of the week Adrienne poked fun at Robin’s clothes and hair. When Robin chose to let this “teasing” pass, Adrienne could see that she was an easy target and kept up the jokes and sarcastic comments. Although Robin felt annoyed by these comments, she didn’t want to make a big deal out of what she considered to be stupid, snide remarks, so she decided to let it go. Or so she thought.
Later in the week Robin started to feel physically ill. She felt sick to her stomach and feared that she might be coming down with the flu. When I asked Robin whether or not she was aware of any link between not feeling well and Adrienne’s behavior, she said that she hadn’t made the connection at that point. She did admit that she had a nagging feeling that she needed to say something to Adrienne about her behavior.
One afternoon, as the group shopped for food at a local grocery store, Adrienne turned to Robin while in the checkout line and said, “Who was stupid enough to bag the lettuce this way?” knowing full well that Robin had been the one to do it. Robin said she felt “like someone punched me in the stomach” and instantly she made the connection. Deciding that her health was more important than keeping peace, she took Adrienne aside and told her the truth: “When you speak to me that way, I feel horrible. If you don’t have anything positive to say, please don’t speak to me at all!” Then she braced herself for Adrienne’s response. To Robin’s astonishment, Adrienne immediately apologized (common behavior for bullies who are confronted about their antics).
Robin did what most people do—she minimized Adrienne’s behavior and ignored her own feelings to avoid the discomfort of conflict. It wasn’t until her body stepped in with a physical alert that she paid attention. The body never lies. One of the best ways to identify where you need to stand up for yourself is by paying attention to your physical reactions. Your body will always help you identify when you need to speak up. As we saw earlier in chapter two, this is one of the primary ways that your feelings help you to take good care of yourself. For example, when someone violates one of your boundaries, you might suddenly feel tension in your neck and shoulders. Or when your friend calls to talk your ear off (and you let her), you may feel the hair on the back of your neck stand up as your anger rises with every passing word.
Too often we immediately numb our feelings rather than listen to their wisdom. For example, after a difficult phone call you might reach for high-carbohydrate foods to calm your nerves. Following another fight with your teenager you might plant yourself in front of the television to anesthetize your anger. One woman I worked with recognized that her fear of conflict was at the root of her inability to get a handle on her weight. After keeping a journal for two weeks about her eating habits, she noticed that whenever someone said or did something to push her buttons, she went straight to the refrigerator instead of addressing the issue.
Do you have a hard time standing up for yourself? Do you keep agreeing to do things that you really don’t want to do? Do you often feel guilty about putting your own needs first? It’s time to set your boundaries!
If I were asked to name the one action step that would most develop emotional strength and improve your life, it would be “to create stronger boundaries.” Based on my experience, weak boundaries are at the root of 80 percent of the problems I’ve observed among people who are struggling to live more authentic lives. When we allow others to step over our boundaries because we fear confrontation or the consequences of putting our own needs first, we end up feeling angry, frustrated, and resentful.
Now that you have a better sense of who you are and what you value, and you’ve begun to express your power more directly, it’s time to start setting limits.
A strong boundary is like an energy field or “psychic barrier” that protects your body, mind, and spirit from harm. Imagine that this field radiates outward from your body, providing you with protection from any negative influences that could invade your personal space. For example, you might let your husband or wife stand close to you, but keep a stranger at more of a distance (a boundary that protects your body). Or you might allow a close friend to give you feedback about your work, but decide against hearing it from a stranger (a boundary that protects your mind and/or spirit).
Having good boundaries in place actually allows you to be more available to others in an intimate way. It also can prevent conflict. For example, instead of emotionally shutting down when you come in contact with a family member who puts you down, you use your emotional reaction as a signal that a boundary needs to be set. Once you inform your family member that it’s no longer okay to treat you that way (and once you back up this boundary with action), you are then able show up at family events in a more relaxed and open-hearted way.
Take Action! Where Do You Need to Take a Stand?
The first step in learning how to stand up for yourself is to become more aware of when and where you need to set better boundaries. In other words, identify where you need more space, self-respect, energy, or personal power. Let’s look at some examples of boundaries you might need to develop:
People may not …
Go through my personal belongings
Criticize me
Make comments about my weight
Take out their anger on me
Humiliate me in front of others
Tell off-color or racist jokes in my company
Invade my personal space
Gossip in my presence
I have a right to ask for …
Privacy
More information from a medical provider
A new hairstyle from an old stylist (or a new hairstylist)
Quiet while I’m trying to concentrate or relax
A rain check when I don’t want to do something with a friend
Help around the house
More information before making a purchase
More time before making a decision
To protect my time and energy, it’s okay to …
Turn off the ringer on the phone
Return calls or e-mails within a week (instead of a day)
Request that a friend or coworker be on time for our appointment
Bow out of a volunteer activity
Cancel a commitment when I’m not feeling well
Take an occasional mental health day
Reserve a place in my home that is off-limits to others
Delegate the tasks I no longer want to do
Now it’s your turn. By completing the following three sentences, you’ll get an idea of how you may need to set stronger boundaries. If you have trouble completing the sentences, it may help to recall a time when you felt angry, frustrated, violated, or resentful. Remember that your feelings are your inner guidance system and they will provide clues to ways in which you may have needed to stand up for yourself in the past.
Finish each sentence with at least 10 examples (or more). Don’t censor your thoughts; just keep writing. Even the smallest examples are critical. Maybe you’ve been overcharged at the grocery store but blew it off by saying nothing. Or maybe on a night out with your girlfriends at a restaurant, you decide not to return your salmon even though it’s overcooked because you don’t want to make a “scene.” Or instead of telling a friend who stops you on the way to your office that you don’t have time to talk, you let her go on and on. These “little things” may seem inconsequential, but they are all great examples of how we give our power away, little by little, over time. You don’t have to be weak to have these experiences. Some of the most confident clients I’ve worked with privately share examples just like these. As simplistic as it may sound, when you return a meal that’s not cooked the way you want it, it’s not just about that meal. It’s about saying to yourself, and to the world, “I deserve to have what I want—and I respect myself enough to ask for it directly.” Taking a stand has less to do with the specific situation you’re facing and more to do with raising the level of your feeling of self-worth. Setting a boundary, although difficult, will increase your confidence and self-esteem. In turn, this makes it easier to stand up for yourself when faced with other situations in the future.
1. People may not …
3. I have a right to ask for …
7. To protect my time and energy, it’s okay to …
Put this list aside for a week, and at the end of the week, pull out the three lists and write down anything else that occurs to you.
Sometimes simply becoming aware of situations that require you to have stronger boundaries can be the key to creating them. Often I’ve found that people just need to give themselves permission to respect and honor their self-care. Although setting boundaries might appear selfish, it’s actually an important way to respect the needs of others too. When you become aware of your boundaries (and begin to honor them), you naturally begin to consider (and respect) the boundaries of others as well.
Standing up for yourself by setting boundaries is one of the most powerful ways to build your self-esteem. Consider this analogy: Imagine yourself as a beautiful small building that has 10 floors, each one representing a greater level of confidence and self-regard. The top floor, the penthouse, symbolizes you at your best—self-assured, assertive, direct, and self-trusting. Every time you take a stand, set a boundary, or ask for what you want, you move closer to the penthouse—the place where you most want to live. On the other hand, each time you neglect to stand up for yourself, this same elevator moves down a floor or two. Do you want to live in the basement? I’m sure you don’t!
Your actions move you either up or down. While it’s inevitable that you’ll make some mistakes, the more you practice standing up for yourself, the more you’ll inhabit the fullness of who you are. There’s good news: As you reach higher and higher levels of self-esteem, the downtimes will become smaller and smaller. Though you may sometimes find yourself doing something that diminishes your power, you’ll recognize it quickly and rectify the situation. And as your self-esteem and confidence increase, you’ll become unwilling to settle for anything less than what honors and respects who you are.
Anytime you stand up for yourself, you’re in essence telling yourself and the world around you “I am no longer willing to give away my power.” It’s as if you make a deposit in your “spiritual bank account”—the account that allows you to withdraw the courage and confidence you need to stand up for your life!
There’s another reason why standing up for yourself is important. You will undermine your success when you are unable to set boundaries. The reason is simple: Every time you neglect to take a stand or protect your time and energy, you send a message to yourself that you can’t be trusted. Any kind of success, whether it’s with your relationships, your finances, or your career, brings with it added responsibility and, as a result, an even greater need to set boundaries. If you don’t stand up for yourself, you’ll limit the opportunities you draw into your life, because you won’t trust yourself enough to handle them.If you cannot set and keep firm boundaries, you will always fear the added responsibility that comes with more success.
Okay, enough convincing, let’s get started.
Take Action! Prepare to Set Boundaries
Now that you’ve become aware of how you need to stand up for yourself, it’s time to do something about it. Let’s start by setting boundaries with others. There are five guidelines that I recommend when faced with having to have a difficult conversation. They are:
1. Set your intention
2. Get support
4. Tell the truth with grace and love
5. Debrief
As you choose the person that you need to stand up to, please know that the closer the person is to you (spouse or family member), the more challenging the conversation might be. We usually have the most loaded relationships with family members, especially when we have a long history of letting things go instead of dealing with them directly.
1. Set Your Intention
Before you set a boundary with someone, it’s important to be clear about your intention. The highest intention when facing a difficult conversation with anyone in a healthy relationship is to move toward greater intimacy—to heal the relationship by telling the truth. As my friend Terrence Real, author of How Can I Get Through to You? says, “The way to a deeper, more intimate connection with others is to learn the dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair.”
Telling the truth isn’t easy. Especially when you’ve allowed the other person to behave in a way that undermines your self-esteem. Allowing the behavior means you’ve essentially condoned the behavior. Changing your mind will most likely come as a surprise to them.
Too often we communicate our needs indirectly using sarcasm or little jokes. My mother and I needed to face this issue in our relationship. As a young woman who was busy with her life, I didn’t get home to visit as much as my mother would have liked. When I did, she often made comments like “Do you plan to stay longer than five minutes?” These comments hurt and ended up creating the opposite response of what she wanted—they made me want to stay away.
When I finally let her know how her comments made me feel, I was surprised and deeply touched by her response. She apologized and admitted that her own mother used to do the same thing. Embarrassed by the thought of passing on this legacy, we both agreed to stop being sarcastic with one another and start telling the truth about how we felt toward each other. To my mother’s credit, she has honored this agreement till this day. As a result, our relationship couldn’t be closer, and I can never get enough of seeing her.
While the intention is to repair the relationship, please remember this: No one, regardless of how close they are to you, has a right to steal your power. No one. I don’t care if it’s your mother, father, son, daughter, or close friend. There is never a reason why anyone should have your permission to put you down, disrespect you, steal your energy, or rob you of precious self-esteem.
Be clear about your intention. Are you confronting this person simply to vent your anger, get revenge, or repay them with your own criticisms? Or do you intend to let them know how they’ve hurt you and inform them of how you’d like things to change? Setting your intention is a powerful first step.
2. Get Support
When you’re ready to start speaking up, asking for what you want directly, and stating your needs, you’ll need the strong support of your partner or Life Makeover Group to back you up. Often support can mean the difference between success and failure. Facing conflict and standing up for yourself will require you to have difficult conversations, and one of the necessary components of being able to have those difficult conversations is having someone you can talk to both before and afterward. Having support in place is like having someone holding you up while you feel wobbly—and you will feel wobbly as you start to stand up for yourself. You’ll make mistakes, you’ll hurt somebody’s feelings, and you will be ungracious in the way you speak to someone at first. That’s all just a normal part of learning. You’ll need to have loving people around you who can help you work through the inevitable mistakes you make and the unexpected reactions of others.
One of my former clients, Brian, found that having support paid big dividends. As the founding partner of a law firm, Brian knew that his business was poised for dramatic growth. All the signs for expansion possibilities were evident. He had a high referral rate from existing clients, he was considered a top expert in his field of tax law, and a national magazine was about to publish a feature story on his firm. In preparation for a high growth phase, I asked Brian to anticipate any obstacles that might get in the way of his success (an important question to address before the fact). He admitted that he had some reservations about his executive assistant.
His assistant had been with him for more than ten years, and he relied on her heavily to manage the office. Lately, important priorities were falling through the cracks, and she didn’t seem as energetic and enthusiastic as she had been. Brian had brought this to her attention several times without seeing any change. But the thought of letting her go was unbearable for Brian. Like 85 percent of the business owners whom I’ve coached in the last fifteen years, Brian was willing to tolerate a less than competent employee, though it was hurting his business. He couldn’t imagine having to fire her. Though Brian was a well-respected, confident, smart businessman, he would literally crumble each time I suggested that he needed to let his assistant go.
I asked Brian two important questions. First, “Do you honestly feel in your heart that letting your assistant go is the right decision?” Second, “If you had the support, plan, and language to let her go gracefully and with respect, would you do it?” When the answer was yes to both, we got to work.
Together, Brian and I came up with a plan for how I would support him through taking the critical step of finding a new assistant in order to expand his business. First, I asked Brain to create a profile of his ideal executive assistant. Next, he created a severance plan that he felt was fair and respectful of his current assistant’s contribution. Finally, Brian developed the language he would use to tell her the truth with grace and love. We practiced this conversation until he felt comfortable and totally at ease.
Brian and I also discussed how he needed to avoid overexplaining why he was firing his assistant and simply return to the truth of the situation by saying something like “This is a difficult conversation for me to have with you. I have appreciated all that you’ve done for the firm over the years. Up until now, things have worked out well, but my needs have changed and I’ve decided to replace your position with someone more suited to the firm’s current needs.”
Although Brian’s assistant was quite surprised and upset by his decision, she didn’t scream or cry (the two things he feared the most). Instead they discussed a way for her to leave the firm with dignity. After Brian let his assistant go, he later admitted that without having the support to back him up, he would never have followed through with his plan, and it never would have gone as smoothly.
Remember that when you take those first steps toward standing up for your life, you may feel completely unglued, as if you might fall apart. After a difficult exchange or an unexpected reaction, having a partner to hold you up when you feel a little shaky will give you a chance to solidify your ability to stand up on your own. Give yourself the gift of knowing what it feels like to have that kind of support—you deserve it!
3. Discharge Your Emotions
The next critical step you’ll need to take to prepare yourself to confront others is to vent how you feel with someone safe. Before you take a stand, you need to discharge any strong emotions that may prevent you from speaking in a neutral tone with grace and respect. To do this you’ll need to discharge these emotions beforehand on your own or with a partner. If not, you run the risk of seriously damaging an important relationship.
My client Juanita had reached a boiling point with her eighteen-year-old daughter. For three nights in a row, her daughter, Maria, had ignored Juanita’s curfew by coming home late. When Juanita and I talked, she was feeling horrible because of what had happened when Maria had come home the night before. Juanita had been furious and fed up with Maria’s behavior. When Maria returned home at 2 a.m., Juanita was waiting to confront her. A fight ensued, and during the screaming match, Juanita got so angry that she threw her daughter out of the house.
If your intention is to heal your relationships, then it’s important to remember this: When there is defensiveness in any exchange, there cannot be any true communication. Discharging your emotions beforehand allows you to move toward repair. If you do not have access to a support partner, you can vent your emotions by writing about how you feel in a letter that you never send or by venting your feelings out loud in a car or in front of your bathroom mirror. In addition, you might even engage in some form of cardiovascular exercise to blow off steam.
4. Tell the Truth with Grace and Love
The next step in setting boundaries is to develop and practice the language you’ll use to speak the truth. By developing a script beforehand, and practicing it until it feels comfortable, you’ll be better able to communicate your feelings and needs with respect and dignity for yourself and for the other person involved. Creating the appropriate language has three steps:
1. Acknowledge the importance of the relationship (when appropriate)
2. State your perspective starting with “I …”
3. Ask to have your needs met
To begin this process it’s important to identify and clarify the truth. To do this, answer the following question:
If you could say anything without any negative consequences or ramifications, what would you say to this person?
As you answer this question, don’t try to be “nice.” Just tell the truth directly without embellishing any details. Once you have a good idea of what the truth is, you’ll be able to craft the language into a respectful and gracious script. Let’s use some of the prior examples to demonstrate what I mean:
Example #1: People may not …
Tell off-color or racist jokes in my company
The first step in telling Joan that you no longer want to receive any dirty jokes is to identify your truth—the truth you’ll use to craft an appropriate response. For example, you might want to say something like “Joan, I can’t stand it when you send me these ridiculous dirty joke e-mails. They annoy me and disgust me. Every time I get one from you, I just want to call you up and scream. I should have done it a long time ago!” While getting to your truth, lay it on the line without worrying about how appropriate it sounds. Once you know the truth, you’re ready to craft your response to, in this case, Joan, with grace and love.
When developing the language, use your partner for support. For example, your group might help you come up with a way to say something like this to your friend:
“Joan, I wanted to be honest with you about something that’s been bothering me, so that it doesn’t get in the way of our relationship. I have a policy of not accepting off-color jokes by e-mail. I realize that you were unaware of this, so I’d just like to ask you to take my e-mail address off of your list. Thanks so much.”
By saying it in this way, you are taking responsibility for the fact that by accepting her behavior up until this point, you’ve essentially told Joan that it’s okay.
Let’s look at more examples:
Take out their anger on me
Once you’ve discharged your emotion by identifying your truth, you might say:
“Carol, it’s not okay to yell at me. If you’re willing to lower your voice, I’m willing to discuss this with you. Otherwise I’ll need to leave until you calm down.”
Humiliate me in front of others
“Jim (the boss), I know you were upset about the inaccuracy in my report, and I apologize for the mistake. In the future I’d like to discuss problems like this in private instead of in front of others.”
This last example always makes people uncomfortable. I usually hear things like: “You don’t understand, I can’t afford to risk my job” or “If I said that to my boss he’d fire me on the spot.” While I understand that you may put your job at risk by telling your boss the truth, there are two other important things to consider: 1) If you can’t afford to stand up for yourself, you need to improve your financial health; and 2) The cost of compromising your integrity and self-esteem is far greater than any job. Often a boss is unaware of how damaging his or her behavior is to an employee. You might be surprised at how quickly he or she makes a change for the better with a little feedback.
Example #2: I have a right to ask for …
These types of boundaries are related to your needs. By asking for what you need you give others a chance to care for you and serve you well. This makes for healthier relationships all around. When making these requests, keep it simple and be direct. Here are some examples of what you might say:
A new hairstyle from an old stylist
“Jonathan, I love what you’ve done with my hair, and I’m ready for a change. I’d like to talk about a new hairstyle.”
Time to myself
“Mike and Sally, Mom needs time to herself. You’ll need to play in your rooms for the next half hour while I read. Please do not disturb me.”
Once you set this boundary, DON’T let them disturb you—be firm! With children, it will take consistency on your part before they’ll learn to respect your boundaries. Don’t give up!
More information from a medical provider
“Doctor Samuels, before we finish our appointment, I’d like more information about your diagnosis. Tell me more about additional testing, how many cases of this you’ve treated, and where I might find more helpful data about this illness.”
If you receive shocking news, always reserve the right to come back with your questions within a short period of time. For example, you might say “Will you please tell the nurse to schedule some time for me early next week?” If the answer is no, find another physician!
Example #3: To protect my time and energy, it’s okay to …
• Return calls or e-mails within a week (instead of a day)
• Turn off the ringer on the phone
• Bow out of a volunteer activity
Experience has taught me that most of us just need permission to do or not do the kinds of things that will give us more time, space, and energy. As you set limits that protect your time and energy you’ll need to determine the best guidelines for your particular situation. For example, your job may not allow you to return calls within one week, but you may be able to extend the response time by a day. Or you might decide to turn off the ringer on your phone at 8 p.m. every evening while a friend may choose 5 p.m. on weekdays. You need to decide which boundaries work best for you and your family.
When bowing out of a volunteer commitment, try something like this:
“Tom, I know I agreed to head up our fundraising efforts, but after reviewing my schedule, I now realize that I won’t be able to give it my best attention. I’ll need to bow out. I’d like to help you find a replacement by the end of next week.”
Setting boundaries will probably feel uncomfortable at first. But like any new skill, it will get easier over time. Remember, when setting boundaries you cannot control another’s response or behavior; you can only deliver the message with grace and love. Stay true to yourself and, in the long run, everyone wins.
There are a few more things to remember about setting boundaries. You don’t need to overexplain, defend, or debate your position. Your needs are always valid. If you’re not able to give your time and attention to a volunteer activity, you deserve to take care of yourself. If you’re not able to baby-sit for your sister’s kids this weekend because you haven’t had a weekend off in six months, you just need to honor your need for time off. Don’t make up excuses. Honor your integrity by telling the truth.
Start with easy boundaries first and, as you get stronger, tackle the more challenging ones. Always back up your boundaries with action. If you relax your boundaries by giving in, you essentially invite people to ignore your needs. For example, when you tell Joan not to send you any off-color jokes, she may very well forget. You’ll simply need to remind her. As a matter of fact, I often suggest that clients include this reminder in their original conversation. So if we continue with Joan as an example, you might say something like:
“Joan, I wanted to be honest with you about something that’s been bothering me, so that it doesn’t get in the way of our relationship. I have a policy of not accepting off-color jokes by e-mail. I realize that you were unaware of this, so I’d just like to ask you to take my e-mail address off of your list. I know there’s a chance you might forget, but don’t worry. I’ll be sure to gently remind you when it happens again. Thanks so much.”
Other examples of language you can use in common situations are:
“Grace, I’ve noticed lately that when I receive your phone messages, I hesitate in calling you back. I realized that I feel drained of energy when you complain about how your husband doesn’t treat you right. I haven’t been honest with you, and that’s not fair to our relationship. I want you to know that I will support you one hundred percent in doing something to heal your marriage. If you’d like me to help you find counseling or a book that might be useful, I’ll be right there to support you. But I can no longer listen to you talk about issues with your husband.”
By the way, in considering the example above, it’s important to note that when you allow a friend or family member to dump their anxiety or frustration on you, it not only affects your emotional and physical well-being, it buys them more time to avoid dealing with the problem. Unfortunately some of us need to feel a whole lot of pain before we take action to remedy a difficult situation. Don’t rob loved ones of an opportunity to do something about a problem by temporarily taking on their pain.
“Julia, I have a policy of not accepting personal calls during work hours. I’d love to talk with you; can we schedule a call tomorrow evening?”
5. Debrief
When you decide to set a difficult boundary or have a conversation that makes you feel shaky, it’s important to have support in place for after the conversation as well as before. For example, if you need to tell your father that you can no longer work for his company, you’ll want someone in place to debrief with who will validate your choice and help you get back on solid ground. It can be just the reassurance you need to proceed with a difficult conversation, knowing that a safe, loving person will be on the other side to greet you.
Take Action! Setting Your Internal Boundary
There is one more boundary I’d like to tell you about. In her bookFacing Codependence, Pia Mellody introduces the idea of having an “internal boundary”—a psychic shield that protects you from internalizing the responses or reactions of others. While you can set clear boundaries with those who treat you poorly, the truth is that there will always be critical, judgmental people in your life. Rather than take their comments or feedback personally, using an internal boundary will allow you to decide what you’re going to let in and what you’re going to reject.
An internal boundary is like a filter we put over ourselves as a way to determine how we’ll process the judgments, comments, criticisms, or feedback of others. For example, when going in for your annual review at work, you’ll want to have your internal boundary firmly in place, so you can decide three things: first, which feedback feels accurate; second, which feedback feels inaccurate; and third, which feedback needs further consideration. Having a strong internal boundary in place means that you are well insulated from any inappropriate comments from others. It does not mean that you’re cutting yourself off from your feelings; it means that you are protecting them.
It’s important to distinguish an internal boundary from putting up a wall. When you put up a wall you essentially cut yourself off from the person who’s speaking to you as well as from what they’re saying. When you use an internal boundary, you are connected and interested in what the other person has to say, but you’re protected from what isn’t true. In that way, an internal boundary allows you to be connected and protected.
The next time you are about to have a conversation that makes you feel a bit edgy, or have an interaction with someone who normally pushes your buttons, imagine your heart protected by a beautiful glass shield. Place your hand over your heart and call upon the voice of your inner ally for support. For example, you might say something to yourself like “I know I have what it takes to have this conversation with grace and love. I am a strong man with a good heart. I will remain calm and open to hearing what she has to say and, if necessary, I will ask for more time to consider her thoughts.”
Use this shield as your internal boundary and you’ll not only care for your soul, you’ll keep your power to yourself.
Finally, in order to stop giving your power away to others, be aware that you will end up disappointing or hurting someone along the way. That’s just a fact of life. For example, if your mother expects to hear from you every single day and you decide that you just can’t do that anymore, her feelings might be hurt when you tell her the truth. By saying something like, “Mom, my schedule no longer allows me to talk to you every day. I’m busy at work and I need time to myself when I get home. I know this change is going to feel uncomfortable for a while, so maybe we can make the transition by talking once or twice a week instead,” you are setting a boundary that respects your mother’s feelings. That’s all you’re responsible for—telling the truth with grace and love.
Now it’s your turn …
Take Action! Set a Boundary
The person I need to set a boundary with is:
My intention is:
My support person will be:
To vent my emotions I will:
The raw truth is:
I will tell the truth with grace and love by saying:
I will have this conversation by (date/time):
As you continue with this program, remember the following:
• Each time you neglect to ask for what you need, or to confront someone who treats you poorly, you chip away at your confidence and self-esteem.
• The body never lies; it will always help you to identify when you need to speak up.
• Good boundaries allow you to be more available to others.
• If you cannot set and keep firm boundaries, you will always fear the added responsibility that comes with more success.
Books
How Can I Get Through to You? by Terrence Real (Scribner, 2002)
Real offers the tools every therapist and client needs to achieve a radical new vision of love.
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody (Harper, 1989)
Mellody is a pioneer and authority on codependence. This book provides a clear understanding of how people who are raised in dysfunctional environments are set up to put the needs of others before their own.