There was a knock on my door. I looked out the peephole. It was Strict. I opened the door reluctantly.
“Tom’s got a case,” he said not beating around the bush. “A car abandoned on the side of the road. It’s been linked to a man who disappeared over a week ago. Chase won’t take this case. He’d say there was no use. He’d say there’s a dead body out there. The family wants a search. I can send a bunch of guys out to tromp through the bushes or I can send you.”
“I can’t,” I said, the words sticking in my throat.
“What’s the problem?”
“I can’t walk far enough. I can’t carry a pack. It would set me back even further than I am now.”
“Can you profile to me for a little while, point me in a direction?”
“This has been okayed by Tom? Usually the guys don’t like me to get involved in their cases.”
“You’ll probably be going out with Tom and Landon. I want Landon to go because he knows what to watch for as far as you’re concerned. And the obvious reason that you might actually find the guy. When Landon says to stop, I want you to stop.”
“Does Tom know what he’s asking?”
“Yeah, he knows, he’s looking for clues, any information you can give him as you track will help even if you don’t go far.”
“Does Rusty know I’m doing this?”
“Are you?”
“I won’t go behind his back. Call him. Tell him the score. Then you’re on your own. But I’m warning you, he’s going to fight it.”
“I’ve seen it before and I’ll see it again.”
I went to change clothes and the arguments floated down the hall.
“Even if it’s only a quarter mile, we need what information we can get….You know Wilson will stop her….She’ll be back before dinner…This isn’t a search. It’s just information gathering. She sees things we miss…. It’s all going to be slow going. I want her to take her time, get everything she can out of the trail…We need something. A direction. An attitude. Clues. Anything.”
I wasn’t sure what to wear. This was police business but if I had to track in my uniform I’d last about ten minutes. I opted for lightweight camping clothes. The more time I could spend on the trail the more information I could pull out of it.
When Strict pulled up to the car we could see a crowd of people had gathered. Cops, family. A young woman stood beyond the police tape crying. A wife? A sister? An older couple stood resolutely beside her keeping a stiff upper lip in spite of their fear. The man approached Landon as we got out and looked over the car.
“Please, find our son,” they pleaded.
“We’ll do our best,” Landon replied. People usually addressed Landon instead of me. He fit their image. I didn’t care. I preferred to work in the background. I wasn’t in uniform, so they probably wondered why I was there.
Victor and Rosco arrived. The EMTs who would work with Tom, should the need arise.
I walked around the car reading the ground. The driver had left the car in some haste. The tracks were pressed deep. They had emotion behind them. What that emotion was I couldn’t yet say. I looked around for other tracks. There were none. There was only one man in the car. He had left the car on his own and headed into the woods, heels biting deep, hurry in every move. Hmm, maybe not hurry. Maybe anger, maybe grief. Whatever it was it affected him deeply. I looked closely at the inside of the car, doing my best not to touch anything. Had he brought anything with him? It was hard to say. Tom would know that. He had already gone over the car once.
Landon was not at all sure this was a good idea. He didn’t want a repeat of my last call. He knew I was having a rough time bouncing back.
Tom was all business. He needed facts and he needed them as soon as possible.
“Tom, I can track the driver of this car but we don’t know that he’s your missing person.”
“It’s okay, just tell me what you see.”
So I told him what I knew so far and we went into the woods. The trail continued at a quick pace. The man was venting. He kicked rocks, pinecones. When branches hung within reach he tore them down. He was like the Tasmanian Devil thrashing his way through the forest.
I had to take it slow. Fortunately tracking is usually a slow pursuit and reading and profiling was even slower.
It was a hard trail, not so much following it but reading it. It beat on me emotionally as well as physically. The trail seeped into my head. There was a desperation in the tracks. A fleeing. I wanted to flee, too. I didn’t want to reach the end of this trail.
“The trail is a few days old,” I told Tom as I went along. “The man we’re looking for is over six feet tall. Rather heavy. And he’s an emotional basket case.”
“Can you see any sign of an injury?”
“I’ll watch for it, now that I know to.”
He nodded.
“What kind of injury?” I asked. “That would help.”
“It could be anything. There was a domestic dispute. In his hurry he fell down half a flight of stairs. Could have hit his head. Could have bashed his hand into the railing. Could have broken a leg. We don’t know.”
“Well, his leg appears to be fine. He’s not favoring his foot or his leg. He’s just bulldozing the forest down and doing a lot of venting. Look, another branch torn loose. And it’s not just a few leaves picked off as he goes by. He grabs the whole branch and rips as much off as he can. If the branch doesn’t come loose he spends a few seconds ripping and tearing. He’s probably tearing up his hands but he doesn’t seem to care. I’ve been in his shoes. He’s trying to waste himself.”
“Waste himself?”
“He’s wearing himself down. Battering himself into submission. Trying to get his body as beaten as his emotions. Hopefully his emotions gave out before his body did. If the emotions win we’re looking at a long trail. The emotions will drive the body a long way.”
“And you know this…because…”
“I told you, I’ve been in his shoes. In these mountains. I usually ran out of emotions in about three days. Three days of starving myself by living off the land. I don’t think this guy’s going to go looking for game trails or whittle himself a snare. He’s not going to watch for a spring. He’s…he’s wasting himself.”
I was winded and flagging. Landon watched carefully. My little troupe was patient, especially Victor. Victor knew I was pushing myself. He’d seen me on enough searches to know I was running on empty.
When I began stumbling often Landon sat me down. He shoved a water bottle into my hand.
“Rest,” he said, then went and conferred with Victor.
“It can’t hurt, if she’ll let you. Remember, it’s still a walk back.”
“Yeah, I know.”
He came at me with the blood pressure cuff. I didn’t have the energy to protest and that told him something, too. He didn’t look pleased with the reading, but he put the cuff away.
“Well?” said Victor.
“It’s high, for her. Not dangerously high.”
“How much more do you think we can do?” Tom asked.
I felt like they were talking about an old car that was losing parts as it went down the road.
“I’m more worried about the hike back. She’s already gone farther than I thought she could.”
“I can always get her a lift out,” Tom said.
“Not Cass, you don’t know her if you think she’ll accept a ride out. I’ve only seen her get a ride out when the whole team went, or she was on her deathbed.”
If we thought the trail was bad before, it turned downright nasty. We began finding things on the trail. Credit cards with a bullet hole through them. His driver’s license, with a bullet hole through the picture. The picture would have been helpful to me. I looked at it through the evidence bag. Six foot two, two hundred and sixty pounds. I was right, a big guy. Heavy.
Next we found photographs, again with holes blown through them. In group photographs it was obvious certain people were blown out of the picture. Tom found it fascinating. I found it grim. I thought about Dirk wanting to get me out of his picture.
The walking began wearing on me again, the emotions of the tracks leached into my brain until I was on edge, nervous, and exhausted. My heart hammered in my chest. When I stumbled across the body I was too dazed at first to know. I thought we’d found another discarded thing on the trail, but after I stumbled over it, I saw it was him. And he was very still. And there was a gun in his hand. And part of his head was missing. And I couldn’t take it anymore. I stumbled off into the forest and sank to my knees.
He was dead. I knew he’d be dead. Something in the trail had spelled death to me. Something in the intensity of the tracks. The desperation of the man’s flight. It seemed too sudden, too final. But it didn’t change the facts.
Usually I blamed myself if a search turned out for the worst. I didn’t blame myself this time. He’d died long before I hit the trail. He’d been dead within hours of leaving his car. But the trail, the body, the finality of it all was too much. I needed to shut it out. The emotions in my head, the ache in my heart, and the physical exhaustion were overwhelming. I needed to get home, but my feet wouldn’t work.
“Cassidy, look at me,” it was Landon. He knelt down and looked me in the eye. His expression calmed.
“Go help the guys. I’ll be okay.”
“I’m going to set up a tent. I want you to rest.”
“No. I’ll be okay.”
“I want you to rest, in a tent. So I can find you. If I let you go you’ll vanish on us. You’ll find a spot and blend into the undergrowth. We need you findable and rested.”
I didn’t fight it. I knew the investigation would take hours and I had to rest before trying the hike back. When I got to the cars I still wouldn’t have a ride home. I’d come with Strict.
The tent was slowly raised nearby and I crawled into it. I was out within minutes. I wasn’t picky about sleeping conditions. I’d slept in these mountains plenty of times without gear so a tent was a luxury. And Landon was right, if I wasn’t assigned a spot, I’d have found an out of the way place, a peaceful place where nobody would think to look or walk and it would have been an irritating nuisance to find me. Police don’t get along well with irritating nuisances. It’s not in the book.
People came to ask me questions but it was like swimming through quicksand to try and answer them. They gave up and left.
“Are you sure she’s okay in there?” Tom asked Landon. “She’s not unconscious?”
“She’s just beat. Why?”
“It’s not like her to ignore a person’s presence. She’s always way too aware for my liking, yet she didn’t stir when I talked to her.”
Landon crawled into the tent. He took my pulse, brushed the hair out of my eyes.
“Cassidy?” He ran a finger down my cheek. “Kid, are you okay? Come on, answer me, just enough so I know you’re there.”
“How long?” I asked.
“I’ll take you back whenever you’re ready. Tom has some questions. I don’t know if they need to be answered here or he can talk to you on the phone later. It’s going to be a while before they all head back.”
“Not yet.”
“Okay.”
I drifted off again into a deep sleep. I could hear activity and voices but none of them penetrated until I heard the doorbell plain as day. I looked through the peephole and Dirk stood on the other side of the door. He’d come for me. My heart did a quick tap dance and my breath quickened. I determined right then that he wasn’t going to get the advantage. I was going to fight this guy with every ounce of my strength. If I lost, I was going down fighting. I didn’t answer the door. I ran to the bedroom and searched for my rifle. We always kept it in the same place but it wasn’t there. I looked for the 9mm. I frantically searched the house for anything to defend myself with but they were all gone. Through the windows I could see Dirk walking around the house, his foot catching on little bumps, his steps awkward. He looked for me like a cat stalking prey. There was a shattering sound and I knew he could get into the house. I couldn’t let him corner me. The back of the house was a dead end. I sprinted for the front door but when I tried to get out I couldn’t. The knob wouldn’t turn. Dirk was coming and he wanted to see me die. He wanted me to suffocate. He wanted to watch as I fought for my last breath. I stood at the front door as he stepped towards me. That dragging foot and the quick step that followed echoed in my brain. His feral eyes seemed to look right through me. I felt hands on my shoulders and I pushed to get past him. I twisted and he wrapped an arm around me. It slipped up around my neck and he squeezed, dragging me through the house. I kicked and squirmed. I reached for his feet trying to trip him up. He slung me onto the bed and stood over me. He gripped a pillow and slowly lowered it towards my face. My breath was coming in quick gasps as I opened my eyes. I kicked out at the face and lunged forward, my fist connecting with a crunch. I didn’t know if the sound was my knuckles or his nose but my fingers complained almost as loudly as my attacker. He tumbled backwards, a puzzled expression on his face. It was Landon. It was just Landon. I crumbled. I wanted Rusty so badly. He made bad things go away. Dirk couldn’t do anything if Rusty was there. In spite of having half a dozen cops within calling distance, I felt vulnerable. Oh Rusty, I’m losing it, I thought.
I stumbled out of the tent and into the woods. Landon stumbled after me.
“Cassidy, stop!” he called, but I kept going. I knew the cars were this way but I really didn’t have a head on my shoulders yet. All I knew was I wanted to be home. I wanted the world to go away. I didn’t want teams of cops investigating the dead bodies I found. I didn’t want killers stalking me. I didn’t want nightmares causing me to attack good friends who were only trying to help. I lurched through the forest heedless to the things that stood in my way. Landon kept after me until he caught me by the arm. I turned on him, and when my arm came back to strike him again, I realized what I was doing and stopped with a wretched sob. “Hush, it’s okay,” Landon said wrapping his arms around me. “Who was it this time?”
“Dirk, he’s still after me.”
“No he’s not. It was just a dream.”
“I know, it wasn’t realistic, but he’s still out there. Sooner or later I’m going to have to face him.”
“It was just a dream.”
“He hates me. He wants to see me die.”
“Hush, it was just a dream.”
“Ask Rusty, it’s not just a dream. I need to go home. I’m losing it, Landon. I’m too weak to take on Dirk. I need to go home. I’ll go with or without you but I need to go.”
“Give me fifteen minutes. I need my pack and my tent. I need to tell Tom we’re leaving.”
“No, I don’t want to talk to Tom.”
“Cassidy, what’s wrong with you? I’ve never seen you like this. You’re not all here. You’re almost panicked.”
“I’m beat. I’m just beat. Physically, mentally, emotionally. And I’ve got too many things to deal with. I can’t deal with a killer. I can’t even deal with my recovery and I feel so weak. I hate it. I hate it all. And my first reaction is to run but I can’t even do that. I don’t have the strength.”
The walk back was more like a flight. I tried to just hike but an urgency drove me until I was almost jogging. I couldn’t keep up that pace for long. Landon kept up but he didn’t understand it at all. When my strength gave out I’d sit under a tree waiting until I could go on. Landon took off his pack and tried to get me to eat, to drink, but I was too agitated. I don’t know how the weakness and exhaustion drove me, but it did. The worse I felt the more I needed the comfort of home. After my third rest stop I couldn’t even walk. I stood up to walk and my legs wouldn’t support me.
“What do I have to do, hogtie you? Cass, stop. You can’t go on like this. You keep this up and you’re not going to make it out. If you pass out on me, I’m calling a lift.”
He knew I’d take his threat seriously. If there was one thing I didn’t want it was a lift. It would probably mean a trip to the hospital. He finally got me to eat a granola bar and that made me thirsty so I took a drink. It still took a couple of tries before I could go on. By the time we reached the cars I was staggering through the trees. Landon opened the Search and Rescue car so I could sit. The people who had gathered at the car had moved to the base camp to get word via radio. Landon put his pack in the back seat and sat in the driver’s seat, undecided.
“Landon, I want to go home. If I can just go home I’ll lock all the doors and sleep for a week.”
He started the car but he argued with himself all the way home. When the Explorer wasn’t in the driveway he followed me into the house and made sure everything was okay.
“Are you sure you’ll be all right?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’ll lock the doors and I’ll rest. Rusty will be home after work.”
He left grudgingly.
The old brown couch beckoned. I collapsed into its lumpy brown comfort. As exhausted as I was, I thought sleep would come quickly, but instead the exhaustion fed the thoughts niggling at the back of my brain. I could still feel the emotion of the trail. Still see the bullet holes through little bits and pieces of a nameless man’s life. Still see the body as I tripped over it. Still feel the mind numbing exhaustion that caused me to be so inattentive that I didn’t see his lifeless form until I was on top of it.
Through all the things that had happened to me, I was still glad to be alive. Even when I was hanging by a thread, when my life was in the balance I wanted it to tip just a bit more towards life, towards continued existence. When I was beaten and left to die I fought it, fought for life. And when I was so filled with sorrow that all I knew to do for it was to run, eventually life won. The man’s body haunted me. The sorrow and the finality of it made my heart ache.
My body ached from the hiking, pushing myself too far. My mind ached from watching the trail, seeing the hurt, the violence in the man I tracked. My heart ached with sorrow and fear. As I lay there as useless as could be, every noise made me jump and listen closely, analyzing it for possible danger. But what could I do about it if Dirk showed up? I was barely able to walk after all I’d done that day. I longed for Rusty. I needed him to put the pieces back together. That thought made me pause. And why did I need that? I thought. Why was I all of a sudden so dependent on Rusty? I used to do anything in my power to prevent him from seeing me like this, weak and emotional. I’d flee to the mountains and deal with it on my own and now I just lay here yearning for him, reaching out over the miles to town, trying to send him a silent prodding to come home. Please come home. I need your arms around me. I need to know today will get better. I need to smell your old brown sports coat. And then the tears came.
He came in quietly knowing I could be sleeping. At that point I didn’t know what I was. I was in a limbo of sorts, too spent to stand, too drained to react. He sat down on the floor in front of the couch and watched me cry quietly. I opened my eyes and he was there. I reached out to him and he rubbed my back.
“Rusty… come here. Please, come here,” I cried. “I need you so bad.”
His eyes narrowed. “I’m going to clobber Wilson, next time I see him.”
“No, don’t, I already did,” I said, my voice still shaky.
He sat on the couch and drew me down into his arms. Finally, I knew I’d make it through the day.
“He was supposed to keep this from happening.”
“Just hold me. Please. Make today go away.”
“Okay, babe, it’s okay.”
“No more violent tracks. No more bullets holes. No more pushing for the next few steps. No more stumbling blindly over dead bodies. No more worrying about Dirk today. No more nightmares.”
“No more, it’s all over.”
“I need some strength. Can I soak up some of your strength?”
“Take all you want.”
“I want to be well again. I’m so tired.”
“I know babe. You will be well again.”
“How long?” I cried as I sank deeper and deeper into despair.
“Patience,” he said quietly as he pulled me closer.
“I need to soak up some patience, too, then.”
Gradually I settled into an uneasy rest.
“We need some dinner,” Rusty said. “Let me go fix something, even if it’s just breakfast or sandwiches. I know you don’t want to go to town.”
He got up and started poking around the kitchen. The phone rang and Rusty got it so I wouldn’t get up.
“Hello?” he said. Then he went to the window and began looking out to the hills around the house. “No, you’re not getting two seconds,” he said angrily. He moved from window to window, even after he hung up the phone. It had to be Dirk. That was the only thing I could think of that would send Rusty to the windows like that. A couple more phone calls and Rusty went back to the kitchen. He didn’t mention the phone call, not wanting to upset me, but I knew. And I knew, at least tonight, I didn’t need to worry.