Fjallkonan #36 | 17 September 1900

BUT ONE THING IS SURE: WHEN I WOKE UP, I CLEARLY remembered everything that had happened the day before and into the night, but it doesn’t at all match what the Count would have me believe. He maintains that he found me in my bedroom. However, I cannot understand why he does not just tell me the truth. He had previously warned me not to dwell in the empty rooms on the higher floors after sunset, but last night I had totally forgotten about that.¹⁹⁵ I have to accept—as he told me—that the air in this old castle is not healthy, though it may be difficult to identify the afflictive agents. People speculate about contagious mental diseases, but why shouldn’t they just as well imagine mental infections that weaken one’s mind and disposition in the same way that cholera and diphtheria bacteria weaken the body?¹⁹⁶ And nothing speaks against the possibility that such germs can be in a dormant state for years or even centuries on end.¹⁹⁷ I am neither a psychologist nor a doctor, but I can give my opinion. I am unable and uneager to put it into words, but I can feel it clearly: In the same way that various external factors can make one ill, so have I been affected. Whether these causes are mental or not, they have provoked visions and emotions in me that I’ve not had before—and which are of a rather nocuous sort!

The Count says that I have only dreamt things, and that would be the most logical explanation. I was tired that evening, my nerves were on edge, and my imagination was sickly after all that had happened to me since noon. I had fallen asleep with all my clothes on. No, I shall swear that I had not!

I was sitting at the table, in the library, just as I am now, when I suddenly felt the urge to go up to the top floor to have a better view of the sunset. I threw my pen down and took my book with me to the bedroom; then I ran up the stairs. When I came to the tower next to the portrait gallery, the sun had not yet set. The view from up there truly is better than from any other place in the castle. I went to all the windows and finally stood by the one that gave me the best view, and—as there are benches in all the alcoves—I sat down, opened the window, and completely immersed myself in the beauty of nature. I lit a cigar and leaned back.

The air was sultry and I expected the night to bring thunderstorms. I was tired and didn’t feel like lifting a finger;¹⁹⁸ instead, I felt called upon to enjoy the splendor of the scenery. After the sun had set, a glowing evening redness spread across the heavens; it was as if the whole sky was ablaze! Then, with black-blue and reddish misty streaks in the east, goldish clouds came dashing in, high up in the sky, driven by the upper air streams. I started to feel curiously thrilled,¹⁹⁹ as if anticipating something, but I didn’t know what. Never in my life have I felt like that before. I cannot describe it, but it was as if I was half drunk. Darkness slid over, yet the same stifling heat remained, filling the air with a floral scent from the valley. I arranged the pillows on the bench to be more comfortable, stretched myself out even more, and stared steadily into the distance, wondering why the tempest hadn’t broken yet.

I must have fallen asleep, because I clearly remember waking up to a feeling as though an electric current were passing through me, and I sensed that I was not alone. It was growing as dark as it can on a summer’s night in this region.²⁰⁰ The windows were hardly visible, and I could barely distinguish any of the furniture around me. At first I couldn’t figure out where I was. I thought I had arrived in some kind of unknown world, and that a voice was whispering to me, “Love, which burns like bitter hatred, and hatred that burns like love!”

Those were the words the Count had used when he was showing me the paintings, but now they were being spoken by an utterly different voice—some seductive voice. Half unconscious, I sank back into the bench.

At that same moment, two flashes of lightning burst forth, casting their light into the room. In this light I saw her right next to me. She was just as she had been the first time I met her. When the light vanished I lost sight of her, but I could feel her coming closer and bending over me. I turned feeble, unable to move—

Lightning struck again, and I saw her face right next to mine; she stared straight into my eyes, her lips parted. I saw the necklace around her neck, which was bare right down to her bosom. I could see that she’d sank down on her knees by the bench on which I sat.²⁰¹ Then unbroken blackness surrounded me once more and I seemed to be tumbling down somewhere into the deep, half unconscious. The flowery fragrance had half numbed me, but I could still feel her soft feminine arms wrap around me; her breath on my face and her lips pressing to my throat—

I don’t know how much time had passed, but suddenly I woke up with a shock. It felt as though she were slipping from my arms and a great grief engulfed my body. In that moment I saw a light flare up—not from a lightning bolt, but from a lamp carried by the Count as he entered the room. He shouted something—it sounded like a curse in a language I did not know. He came straight to me and lit up my face.

“What by all the devils are you doing here? Why do you not obey me?” he barked at me in German, trembling with anger despite his efforts to control himself. “Here, at this hour! You should know that Dracula is master of this house.”

He closed the window. He had left the lamp on the floor, and from below it cast a ghostly—or rather, demonic—hue onto his face. His hair stood up on his head like that of an angry lion.

I rose—about to stammer some excuse—as he stood, staring at me, as if considering something.

Then he said in a commanding tone: “Lie down.”

Automatically, I obeyed and lay back on the pillow.

He took the lamp and examined my face and neck carefully. Then he laughed a cold laugh.

“Good friend,” he said, his voice suddenly gentle, “you should have remembered that I warned you against being up here when it starts to get dark. This you have forgotten, of course, but in this matter I must caution you again. You have put yourself at risk, falling asleep in front of the open window. Have you been attacked in your sleep?”

He stroked my forehead and the top of my throat.

After that, I cannot remember anything before waking up in my bed, fully clothed and with the Count standing next to me, saying he’d woken me because I’d had a bad dream; that it was past bedtime and that it would be best to undress.²⁰² I obeyed him and didn’t wake up again until much later in the day.