24 JUNE

GOD HELP ME – – – WITH COURAGE AND ARTIFICE, IT’S possible for man to defend himself against threats from the outside, but those dangers that come from within—from man himself—are far more difficult to keep at bay. A bastion that has traitors in its garrison is exposed to risk, no matter how fortified it is, and I—I have been struggling against a power too great to fight. – – –

I don’t know who she is, but I’m now convinced that what the Count has told me about her cannot be true. When I recall everything I’ve seen and experienced, I’m at a loss and I cannot come to any conclusion, unless I decide to give up on logic and believe things no one else would.

I shudder at the thought of her, yet I crave to see her. She is like one of the Elven Ladies who enchant men to follow them into their rocky ravines.²⁷⁵

For three days now I have been determined to escape from this place. Even though it’s dangerous, I now know the way out, and I’ve had opportunities. Time and again, I’ve been on the verge of leaving, but then an irresistible desire overwhelms me and I cannot control myself any longer—I have to see her once more.

It’s incomprehensible—I cannot believe it, but there’s no denying it either—she always comes when I think of her, as if she were beckoned, or as if she were standing right outside the door, ready to enter.

Before I can calm myself she’s standing next to me, and I can’t restrain myself. Yet I haven’t once yielded to her—and that alone has saved me.

I’ve never taken off the crucifix the old lady gave me, and anyone who wishes may call it superstition, but I feel this is the only reason the Count did not kill me that evening when he grabbed me by the throat, and I feel I owe it to this same cross that I managed to escape from the loathsome miscreant who attacked me on the stairs.²⁷⁶

She has been whispering to me constantly, begging me to take off the crucifix, but I have not done so. – – –