Chapter Five

The Brassards’ blue cottage with yellow shutters was on the opposite side of the lake, past Gideon’s place. I biked over just before lunch and found Madelaine waiting on the front steps with her friend, Susie Carmichael. They were heading to town to eat and didn’t want to waste any time getting there. The baby, Cheryl, had already been put down for her nap and there was nothing for me to do but read magazines and watch Take Thirty followed by the afternoon movie on the black-and-white television in the beach-musty living room that smelled of Pledge and cigarette smoke. The movie was one of those Roman warrior ones with the men running around in tunics and the women all gorgeous and getting rescued. It wasn’t a tough way to earn five dollars, but it was a boring one.

I walked around the inside of the cottage several times and only just stopped myself from waking up Cheryl, who turned out to be the sleeper of all sleepers. I even checked a few times to make certain she was breathing, leaning over the crib and putting my ear close to her nose. She finally woke up about twenty minutes before her mom came through the door. I was just warming up a bottle of milk in a pan of water on the stove. It was a relief to take the money and leave. I didn’t want to become a mother anytime soon. The baby smell of dirty diapers, talcum powder, and milk made the air close and stifling and had given me a headache.

It was still early, so I stopped at Gideon’s on my way past his house. I pedalled up his driveway, leaned my bike against the wall and wandered into the back yard. Gideon was sitting in front of the open window working on his typewriter. His grey hair was a swirl of fluff across the top of his head with thicker tufts around his ears. From where I stood in the grass, his face looked pasty and his cheeks droopy. Gideon must have sensed me there because he lifted his head and smiled in my direction, and suddenly he looked younger. He pulled the pipe out of his mouth and motioned for me to enter. Ruby met me at the door and nuzzled against my leg. I reached down and scratched behind her ears.

“Come right in, Darlene. Ruby girl, give our guest some walking room! Would you like something to drink, Little Fin?”

“I’ll just get a glass of water, if that’s okay.”

“Help yourself. I’m just putting the finishing touches on my column.”

I let the water run for a while until it was cold and then filled two glasses. I set one next to Gideon’s typewriter and looked over his shoulder at the paper as his big nicotine-stained fingers hunted and pecked the keys, staccato time. “What’s it about this week?”

Gideon grunted. “Why big business wants the Vietnam War to continue. How the United States and the western hemisphere have been suckered into fighting in a country we have no damn right to be in.” He turned away from me and coughed. “Bloody cold. I’ll be glad when I shake it.”

“I hate war.”

“You and every other person with an ounce of brains. Have you been managing to get some writing in?”

“Uh-huh.” I sat in Gideon’s easy chair and he swivelled around to face me. His eyes searched my face.

“You look a little down. Anything you want to talk about?”

“I’m okay. Just the normal teenage stuff, you know: Why is my hair red? When will I get a date? When does the exciting part start?”

“It’s a rocky road, no way around that. Patience, Little Fin. Patience. All things unfold as they should. Is your father coming for the weekend?”

“Dad should be here around suppertime. Mom’s cooking a big meal.”

Gideon nodded and smiled. “I saw your mom in town this morning having coffee in Downy’s. She’s one helluva woman, your mama.”

I think I hid my surprise. It wasn’t about her being special, but the coffee part. Dad said having coffee in a restaurant was a waste of money and Mom went along with him.

“She wanted a break from the store,” I said.

“I can see that,” Gideon nodded. “It must be nice for that young man to have a friend like your mom, being new to the lake and all. He looks like someone who keeps to himself. Being around your mother makes people shine.”

My heart started beating funny and I wouldn’t look Gideon in the face. I had a feeling I knew who he was talking about and it wasn’t good. Not good at all. I sipped my water and spilled some down the front of my shirt. The shock of cold made me gasp.

Gideon had turned back around. “Do you want to read what I’ve got written so far?” His pulled the page out of the typewriter. “You can tell me if I’ve broken down into more of a rant than usual.”

“Sure.”

I took the pages from him. I wasn’t an expert, but I liked nothing better than working with Gideon on a piece of writing. It would take my mind off my mother and her coffee date. It would keep Gideon from reading what was written on my face.

By the time I got home, Dad was sitting in the kitchen with the newspaper spread out in front of him on the table. Mom was making supper while keeping an eye out for any customers.

“There you are,” said Mom. “How was babysitting?”

“Good.” I grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl. I couldn’t look at her. “Hi, Dad.”

“Hello, Darlene.” Dad lifted his head and nodded at me then looked back down at what he was reading. His work shirt was draped across the back of his chair and he was dressed in his undershirt. He kept speaking with his head down. “Your mother could use some help.”

Are your hands broken? The thought popped into my head. I looked away so he wouldn’t read in my eyes what I was thinking. “What would you like me to do, Mom?” I asked to keep myself from saying something I’d regret.

“If you watch the store until I get these vegetables going, that would be perfect.”

I looked at Mom then, I mean really looked, trying to see her as Gideon did … and Johnny Lewis too. She was five foot five with shoulder length brown hair, today tied back in a ponytail. Slim with curves that I hoped to inherit some day; a wide mouth and warm eyes the colour of nutmeg. There were lines around her eyes and mouth that deepened when she smiled or frowned. I’d always found it easy to read my mother’s moods, but she’d become preoccupied lately, and her distance made me lonely. I wanted it to go back to the way it had been between us. I didn’t know how to get there. She saw me watching her and questioned me with her eyes.

“Did you … I mean, how did it go in town?” I asked. Dad raised his head. For a split second, Mom’s eyes flashed alarm, but when she spoke, her voice was even.

“Good. I just ran into the store and out.” She turned to my father and raised her hands waist high, palms spread as she explained. “I wanted to surprise you with the roast.”

Dad grunted. “I could have picked it up on my way. There wasn’t any need for you to go into town, price of gas what it is.”

“I know, but I wanted to.”

“You’ve no sense sometimes, woman,” he grumbled, but that seemed to satisfy him. He lowered his head to read. Mom’s eyes dismissed me before she turned her back and started stirring something in a pot on the stove.

What have I done? I felt like she’d slapped me but this was way worse. I crept away without saying anything more. I closed the door between the shop and our kitchen. It took me a while to cross the shop and sit on the stool behind the counter. I was having trouble getting my feet to move forward, and my stomach had something fluttering around inside trying to get out. What have I done? She wouldn’t even look at me. I told myself it didn’t matter, but I knew it did. Mom and I had always stood together, a unit of two keeping each other safe from my father and his fears and anger. I knew exactly what I had done. I’d betrayed her.

The front door opened. Four kids coming in to buy popsicles — two banana, a cherry, and a grape. I forgot to hand one boy his change and he banged on the counter until I dropped coins into his hand. They left and I paced around the floor for a while before grabbing a magazine and returning to my stool. I started flipping through it, the same Mad magazine I’d picked up the week before, when I’d first seen Tyler Livingstone. The words were blurry and I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. The bell jingled, and I glanced up.

Candy Parsens was walking towards me, a big smile on her face, hair tied back with wispy bits hanging loose around her face. Her tight red T-shirt had a dark stain across the right side of her stomach, and her wrinkled white peasant skirt trailed in a crooked line above her bare feet, blackened with a coat of mud. The pupils of her eyes were dilated. Her fluttering hands mesmerized me, darting back and forth in front of her like a couple of baby birds. I straightened up.

“Where’s Sean?” I asked, worried.

Candy waved a pale hand toward the front window. “Kid’s home. Just came for some ciggies.” She squinted at me. “Darlene? That is you.” She frowned. “You didn’t come by and I waited all afternoon.”

“I was going to go see you but it was raining. Is Sean home with Johnny?”

“We could have gone swimming in the rain. Wet’s wet.” Candy laughed, loud and high-pitched. It ended suddenly when she drew in her breath and pointed with a trembling finger to the red du Maurier package of cigarettes behind the counter. Her face got serious. She reminded me of a kid trying to be good. “Come by tomorrow if you can, say after lunch sometime.” She slapped two Crispy Crunches on the counter and spun around to take a large bag of barbecue chips from the shelf. She staggered and grabbed onto the top of the display, crunching bags of chips with her weight. Then she spun back around and waved her hand in the air. “Damn blackflies,” she said. “I can’t get away from them.”

“I don’t see any,” I said.

“Well, are you coming for that swim? We can go right now!”

“I have to watch the store. I’ll try tomorrow,” I said, more to get her to stop talking about it than because I thought I’d go. I looked toward the back of the store. All I would need was for one of my parents to walk in and hear me agreeing to go swimming with her. I put her stuff into a paper bag and slid it across the counter. She threw in two packs of gum that she’d taken from the display. I rang everything into the register. “Two dollars and ten cents.”

“Call it a babysitting job, you know, when you come. I’ll pay you to watch Seany while I swim. It’ll be good to have you. It gets lonely there all day by myself.”

“I’ll try to come after lunch.”

Candy reached in slow motion into the pocket of her skirt and pulled out a lighter. Her face puckered. “Damn! I forgot my money. Can I pay you tomorrow?”

“Mom doesn’t let … “

“That’s okay. I’m good for it.”

Candy grabbed the bag and had tucked it against her hip as if she was carrying a baby. Her eyes drifted past mine and focused on the dust particles dancing in the late afternoon sunlight streaming in through the window. She moved toward the door and I didn’t know how to stop her.

“You can pay me tomorrow when I come babysit,” I called.

Now I’ll have to go see you.

“You’re an angel. A beautiful little red-haired angel.” Candy waved at me and stepped through the door.

She let the screen door snap shut, and I moved in front of the window to watch her trip down the path toward the road. She looked ghostly in her white skirt and floating steps, almost dancing into the trees, her hair flowing behind her like golden ribbons. I watched until she had disappeared from view before going back to my seat on the stool behind the counter. I stared back toward the window and tried to make my eyes focus on a story in the magazine, but all I kept thinking about was Candy leaving Sean alone in the house.

A few minutes later, a car door slammed. I lifted my head. Elizabeth bounded into the store. She was carrying a shopping bag, and she was smiling. “That was a great day,” she said. “Too bad you decided not to come.”

I pretended it had been my choice to stay. “What did you buy?”

“A few tops and the best pair of black clogs. It wasn’t Toronto, but it was good to get into a mall again. It was like … like there is life after Cedar Lake.” She took a few steps and turned around. “Michelle and Danny will meet us at the beach around nine. Is that okay?”

“I guess I can fit it in.”

I watched Elizabeth saunter through the store and enter the kitchen, letting the door swing closed behind her. Her voice mingled with my parents’. My father’s low rumble seemed to go on a long time. Elizabeth said something I couldn’t make out and my father laughed.

A burning feeling started in my stomach and worked its way up. I crumpled up the magazine and flung it against the wall with all my might. It made a satisfying thunk when it hit. I lowered my arm and laid it across the counter, then rested my cheek in the crook of my elbow. I stayed that way until the bell jingled and a customer came in to buy milk.

“I’ll catch up with you at the beach,” I said to Elizabeth. “Dad wants me to stock shelves before I go. We have tins of cat food that need urgent stacking. Code red. Cats won’t sleep soundly tonight unless the Findley shelves are full of Puss n’ Boots.”

We were in the bedroom getting ready for the beach party.

“You should stand up for yourself and tell him where he can put the cat food,” said Elizabeth, leaning into the mirror to put another layer of mascara on her lashes. “What are you, his bloody slave?” Her eyes found mine in the glass.

I stretched my arms to the ceiling and pulled a clean T-shirt over my head. It was dark green and scoop-necked and fit me better than most tops I owned. It made my eyes look greener than usual and my chest bigger, or I liked to think so.

“My father is obsessed with making me a productive member of society. If I tell him where he can stuff the cat food, I’d better be running for the door because if he ever caught me, I’d be eating a few cans.”

Elizabeth spun around. Her eyes had narrowed. “Has he … would he ever hit you or anything?”

“No. My father doesn’t hit.”

“Good, because that would just be sick.” She patted her hair then straightened her new black T-shirt that was cropped above her belly button. “So, how do I look?”

“Great. I like your top.” I turned toward the door. “I think I hear Mom calling you.”

Elizabeth went into the hallway and leaned over the banister. “Yes, Aunt Jan?” she yelled.

I couldn’t hear the answer Mom sent up the stairs but heard Elizabeth say, “Phone’s for me. See you later.” Her feet clattered down the stairs double time in her new clogs.

I followed her down at a slower pace as I wove my good leather belt through the loops of my jeans. I’d just finished buckling it when I reached the kitchen. Elizabeth was leaning against the wall with one hand cupped over the phone receiver, her back toward me. She didn’t see me waiting in the doorway.

“Have you eaten today? You still have to eat even if he doesn’t come home. No, Mom? Mom? Are you still there? Stop crying…. Just go to bed, all right?” Her voice dropped. “You’ve got to start taking care of yourself. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t come home.”

I left then, walking as quietly as I could through the kitchen and keeping an eye on Elizabeth to see if she turned around. I stepped inside the store and started breathing again. What was going on with my aunt and uncle? I jumped when my father’s voice boomed across the room.

“There you are. I let your mother go for a walk and said I’d close tonight. Come on. Let’s get these cans on the shelves.”

“Sure, Dad.”

We worked side by side in silence. Every so often, Dad would point at one of the cans I’d placed on the shelf, and I’d adjust it so the label was facing forward or move the can so that they were all perfectly spaced. He kept going into the storage room and bringing out boxes of canned stuff. Soup, waxed beans, ravioli, spaghetti sauce, stewed tomatoes, corn, fruit in syrup. We worked steadily and silently for over an hour. Every time I thought we were done, Dad would get up and go find some more boxes.

“How’s your summer going?” he asked after his last trip to the storage room. His voice took on a formal tone like it did whenever we were alone together.

“Good so far.”

“Your mother tells me William will be here next weekend.”

“I haven’t seen him since Christmas. I wish I could have gone with Mom to Toronto when she went to visit him.”

I clamped my mouth shut. I’d forgotten Dad hadn’t wanted her to go. She’d taken the bus four times since last summer to see William, and Dad had tried to talk her out of it every time. He’d roamed the house half the night when she was gone. Said he couldn’t sleep with her away.

Dad grunted. “Your brother has his own life now. Your mother has to accept that. He’ll come home if he wants to see us.”

I bit my bottom lip to keep from saying something that would provoke him. “Anything else, Dad?”

“No, looks like we’re done here. You can head out. I expect you to be on your best behaviour and take care of your cousin.”

“Yes, sir.” I walked quickly to the front door before he changed his mind and made me alphabetize something or start lining up chocolate bars.

I met Mom near the road. She was just starting up the path. Her face in the full moon’s light was silvery. She was holding buttercups and daisies in front of her like a bridal bouquet. She reminded me of a fairy in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, my favourite Shakespeare play by a long shot. I was glad she couldn’t see my face clearly.

“Are you off to the beach?” she asked. “Isn’t Elizabeth going with you?”

“She’s already there. I stayed to help Dad.”

“Ah yes. The replenishing of the shelves. Thanks for that. I needed a break.”

From the store or from Dad? “Were you alone all this time?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Maybe next time, I can watch the store and Dad can go with you.”

Mom laughed. “Now when has your father ever wanted to go for a walk with no destination? He’d much rather stay home and watch television or read the paper.”

She had me there. “Well, I better get going. There won’t be any beer left if I’m much later.”

“Darlene … “

“Just kidding, Mom.”

“Sometimes you worry me. If you say something flip around your father…. Well, you know he worries about you and doesn’t have a sense of humour when it comes to what you might get into.”

“I know. I’ll be careful.”

Mom stepped closer and gave me a hug. “He does love you,” she whispered. “He just worries so much.” She kissed my forehead and brushed my hair out of my eyes before letting me go and continuing up the path.

I turned to watch her until she climbed the steps and disappeared into the store. I kept walking toward the beach with a question stuck in my mind that I tried to hum away. I couldn’t quite manage it, but even if my mother’d been standing in front of me at that very moment, I still wouldn’t have found the courage to ask why her hair smelled of cigarettes when she told me she’d been all alone on her walk.

I circled the crowd until I found Michelle, Danny, and Elizabeth sitting on a log near the water. Danny had an arm slung over Michelle’s shoulders and they were listening to Elizabeth. She must have said something funny because they all burst out laughing as I got closer. She was turning into quite the comedian. I dropped down next to Danny.

“At last,” said Michelle. “We were starting to think you weren’t coming.”

Danny took a bottle of beer from a small cooler sitting at his feet and snapped off the lid with a bottle opener. He handed the bottle to me. “You look like you could use one.” He bumped against my arm. “How’s it going? We missed you today.”

I turned toward him. “Okay. Made five whole dollars babysitting. How’s the ice cream business?”

“You know, it’s a job. I’m digging your cousin. She’s got a great sense of humour.”

“Does she?” The words were out before I thought about how they sounded. “I don’t think she likes cottage life,” I added.

“Understandable. It’s good of her though, you know. Toughing it out for the summer. Can’t be easy.”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Darlene. She’s given up her lifestyle in TO, a boyfriend and all her friends to come stay with a family she barely knows in the middle of nowhere. You should really cut her some slack, you know.”

“What’s she been saying?”

Danny’s shoulder rubbed up and down against mine in a shrug. “Not much, but it doesn’t take a genius to read between the lines.”

“Yeah, we’ve been working her like a dog. She barely has time to lie in the hammock and read or go to Kingston with my friends.”

“Come on, Darlene. If you keep excluding her, she’s going to find other ways to keep busy.”

I looked over at the person who was ruining my life. Elizabeth and Michelle had their heads close together, talking about something of obvious importance. Every so often they laughed like they were the two most amusing people on the beach. Elizabeth’s face was glowing in the firelight. She didn’t look lonely or left out to me. Why was I the only one who saw through her act? I raised the beer bottle to my lips. My face felt flushed and I took a deep pull, letting the beer fill my mouth and travel down my throat to drown the bad feeling rising up from my stomach. I tuned in Danny mid-sentence.

“… to quit our jobs mid-August and hitchhike to Vancouver. Michelle has a lot of family living on the mainland and Vancouver Island who we can stay with. It’ll be a good break before school starts.”

“Her parents won’t care if the two of you go on a trip alone together?” I asked.

“She hasn’t asked them yet, but we’re trying to get a few more people to come. Interested?”

“Probably not. I have to help Mom in the store.”

“Oh yeah, the store. Well, maybe next year.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

I looked across at my cousin. She was dancing across the sand toward us, swinging her hips back and forth and rotating her stomach like a belly dancer. Her hair swirled around her as she spun in a circle. She ended up behind us and bent down to put her arms around Danny’s and my shoulders. “What are you two so serious about? This is a party! Come on, let’s dance.”

She pulled Danny by the arm to his feet and dragged him closer to the fire. He pretended to resist at first, then held up his hands in mock surrender. They began moving their feet in time to the radio, which was thumping out “Bad Moon Rising.”

I looked across at Michelle. She was watching Danny and Elizabeth with a big smile on her face, but her eyes looked like somebody had just given her some very bad news. I grabbed two beers out of the cooler and moved next to her on the log, knocking against her leg with mine.

“So what did you buy in Kingston?” I moved closer so she’d have to look at me and not my cousin and Danny.

“Just the Rod Stewart album, Every Picture Tells a Story. He does that song ‘Maggie May.’ Ever heard it?”

I shook my head.

“The album just came out in May. I’ll play it for you some time. I really wish you’d come with us.”

“Next time, hopefully. Mom needs my help with William gone. I’m beginning to realize how much he did in the store. This is the first summer he hasn’t spent a few months at the lake. Say, do you want to go talk to Penny Rogers? I see her over there.” I pointed to a group of girls at the far end of the beach.

“Let’s go.” Michelle stood up and grabbed my arm. She’d had more beer than I’d realized. We circled the fire and walked across the sand, past the small group dancing. Now Elizabeth was slow waltzing with Danny. I tried to block Michelle’s view. She saw anyway and lurched hard against me.

Phil and Greg, two of Tyler’s friends, were strumming guitars near the water. Tyler was sitting beside them watching Jane Ratherford and a couple of her friends dancing barefoot in the sand. Tyler had his head back drinking from a beer bottle, and by the look on his face and the way he was leaning, appeared to already have had several. The sweet smell of weed drifted our way. I waved as I passed by them and kept walking toward the path, holding Michelle upright.

“I think I just want to go home,” Michelle said as we neared Penny’s group. “Not feeling so great.”

“I’ll walk you.” I was glad for any excuse to leave. I wouldn’t be coming back.