It really was crazy how fast things could change.
And I meant that in the worst possible way.
Before I closed my eyes for sleep, I’d been on cloud nine, basking in the fact that me and Logan were officially a thing, and she was basically onboard with remaining a part of my team professionally.
I woke up to all hell having broken loose.
Remarkably, Logan wasn’t awake yet, which gave me time to contact Chloe and Des Byers to get them on the case. When she did wake up, shit was not going to be pretty, and I needed to be able to offer some good news.
We’d been outed.
After her kissing me on set the day before, that shouldn’t have been too big of a deal, at least to me. We had a crew for the show that felt something like family, and I would have thought they’d think it was cute that we got together.
And maybe they did.
The internet disagreed.
Not only were there pictures of that kiss all over the place, there had been stuff dug up about Logan and Anthony, and Logan and Les. True enough, everything had happened fast between us, and it was all condensed into a somewhat short period. But according to what social media was running with, they’d have the world believing Logan was fucking all of us at the same time.
It wasn’t just her either. There was some stuff about me and Sienna and the picture of me and those girls in Logan’s lobby had come back to bite me in the ass, being painted as something it wasn’t. And I didn’t know if I’ve been hacked or what, but the DMs between me and that production assistant were suddenly public fodder, too. The stuff they were trying to run against me was weak. There wasn’t even a case to be made for simple flirting between me and ol’ girl in the inbox.
I wasn’t on that because she worked for me and I didn’t need that type of trouble, besides the fact that Logan was the only woman getting that type of energy from me.
The stuff about her… looked bad though.
This was the first day of our break from set, and later this afternoon, we were due on the Drakes’ private plane. Because of that, I was letting her sleep, with an assurance from Des that she would get in touch with Logan’s parents to make sure they at least knew she was okay.
In the meantime, all I could do was wait.
It didn’t take long.
Logan rose from her slumber with a jolt, as if she knew something was wrong.
I was on her immediately, pushing a hot cup of tea into her hands as soon as she’d sat up. She gave me a suspicious look, then glanced to the bedside table for her phone, which I’d removed to let her maintain her peace as long as possible.
Maybe not the best idea, but… goddamnit.
“Pierre…where’s my phone?” she asked, eyebrow raised. I didn’t even bother arguing, just reached into my pocket for the phone and handed it over.
“I already called Chloe and Des,” I told her, which made her other eyebrow go up as she unlocked the phone. Her expression was very neutral as she tapped and scrolled through various screens and I watched her, waiting for some rage to overtake her expression.
Rage that never came.
She shook her head, tossing the phone down beside her to give her attention to the tea I’d brought. “This is perfect,” she commented after she’d taken a sip. “Thank you.”
“Aiight, you’re scaring me, shorty,” I told her, taking a seat at her feet on the bed. “Are you not seeing the same thing I woke up to this morning?”
Logan took another sip, and then a deep breath, and then put her teacup down on the bedside table. “Yes, I see it,” she confirmed. “But the thing is… I already knew this was coming. It was just a matter of when.” She shrugged. “Des and I have been expecting this since Sienna came for you; that she would attack people around you, when she realized her effect on you was limited. We did think it would most likely be Elodie, so actually… I am a little surprised that she decided to come for me instead. But I guess once we – once I – outed us on the set… maybe knowing you and I are together struck a nerve for her?”
“So you’re saying somebody on set tipped this off?”
Logan nodded. “That’s absolutely what I’m saying,” she agreed. “How else do you think those pictures were obtained? If I had to bet, the girl I ran out of your face yesterday would be the number one suspect on my list. And not just because I don’t like the way she was hanging around you. I’ve just got a feeling.”
All I could do was push out another sigh as my brain processed even more new information. I was in no place to deny what she was saying, so there was no point in me arguing against it or giving any pushback.
I was just still… surprised.
“I really expected you to freak out about this,” I told her as she reached for her tea again.
She shook her head. “What would I freak out for?” she asked. “I mean, don’t get me wrong; I understand why you’d think so, but really what would be the point? The internet thinks I’m a slut. Maybe I slept with all of you in the span of a year, maybe I didn’t. But literally… what does it matter?”
“I thought you were concerned about your professional reputation?” I asked. “That was one of the biggest reasons for us not publicly being together.”
“I was. But the more I think about it, the less I’m sure it even matters. Especially when you and I are going to be working together for another contract after this one anyway, right?”
“That’s true. By the time we’re done with another project, none of this will be on anybody’s mind.”
She nodded. “Or, who knows, things might be just completely changing for me overall,” she said, which felt… cryptic. “In any case,” she continued, “What it really boils down to is, after yesterday, I’m less inclined to be concerned with something like this. The power of it is in its ability to embarrass or tear me down, and you know what… I don’t actually feel either of those things. So I’d much rather focus on something that matters. Like the fact that we have a flight this afternoon and I’m not packed, which is a disgusting break from character for me. So, let’s push this away, get you packed, and then you can come with me and I’ll get packed, and we can make our way to the airstrip together.” She tipped her head to the side as if she’d just thought about something else. “Actually… this may have done us a favor. This trip should be a lot more fun without me having to pretend I don’t want to ride your face.”
She shot me a grin and then climbed out of bed to head for the bathroom, leaving me feeling a bit dumbfounded.
Logan had been all over the place lately, and at first I’d thought it was just me. Thought my own stress and struggles were causing me to see things different – that my anxiety was clouding my vision.
But…nah.
Something was different with her.
As soon as we landed in LA, it seemed like my phone was ringing like crazy.
People who I didn’t even realize had my new number were hitting me up, wanting to see my face. Because of Logan’s planning, we had some leisure and down time built into our schedule, so when I ended up in a group text of old friends trying to arrange a meetup for dinner, I didn’t have an excuse like I can’t, too busy readily available.
“You should go,” Logan insisted, when I brought the idea to her. “These are your friends, and they want to see you. Unless… are you concerned about drinking or something?”
Not exactly.
Most of us had grown up quite a bit and changed – evolving from that toxic place where we’d been. In varying degrees, we’d had our healing processes, or however they wanted to frame it. Which was a good thing.
But still.
I just wasn’t sure about being in the same place with them, and what it might do to my mental space – what old mentalities or triggers it might bring up. The sneak preview event was happening tomorrow and I didn’t want to put any additional stresses on my mind before that.
Or maybe it was all just paranoia anyway.
“Are Nick and Noah going?” Logan asked, her voice a welcome intrusion into my thoughts.
Nick and Noah were local to LA but, “Nah,” I answered. “Remember Noah had to come back out here from Vegas a few weeks ago, so this is her and Nick’s first time being together in a bit. They ain’t trying to be looking at anybody but each other.”
Logan grinned. “Understandable. I asked because I thought maybe if you had… I don’t know, I guess some backup? Somebody to help keep you centered?”
“Is that your way of offering to come?” I asked, which must have been way off base from the way her eyes bugged open. She recovered quickly from her surprise though, schooling her expression into something more neutral.
“No, it was not, because I don’t know those people. Those are your friends.”
“You know me,” I countered. “You’re my friend. It’s not like anybody is gonna bite you or something like that.”
“Tell yourself these things sir,” Logan teased.
When she’d booked this trip, she’d gotten us adjoining rooms. Right now, we were in her bed, but later – at least according to my plans – we’d break in both of them.
“Are you coming or not?” I asked, which she answered with a slick smile.
“I need you to clarify that question.”
I slid my hand down her body, cupping her ass to pull her against me. “How about both?”
I hated it to admit it, but I missed LA.
Vegas was cool and all but LA just had a certain energy about it, and I wasn’t talking about the Hollywood shit either. I wasn’t sure how to quite verbalize it, but there was this vibe I’d lacked without really realizing it.
So when I walked into the lively beachside restaurant with Logan on my arm – since we were outed anyway and didn’t have to front anymore – it felt like a good decision. That feeling carried through the warm greetings from faces I hadn’t seen in what felt like forever. Everybody was cool, they liked Logan, they wanted to hear about the show, they had good things to update me on as far as what had been going on with them. And they just seem genuinely happy and supportive that shit had turned around for me.
None of the negativity I’d been worried about.
Until Sienna walked in.
There was one of the group that ultimately showed up that I was a little more apprehensive about than the others – Jen.
And it was for exactly this reason.
I knew she’d been tight with Sienna, but she was one of the main ones pushing for this dinner to happen, so I thought I was tripping. And then, her ass had hugged me the tightest when Logan and I came in.
She was an actress though, so I should’ve known better.
Sienna walked up to the table smug as fuck, practically begging to be acknowledged.
I hadn’t talked to anybody else about that bullshit story she’d planted, or the pictures she’d given the media – she was still their friend. They were all going to be cool once I left anyway, so it seemed pointless to address it – to address her.
Logan must have picked up on my position and decided to follow my lead.
She tried, at least.
Sienna made a big point of speaking to us, and we both responded as pleasantly as possible, before we went right back to the conversation we’d already been having with my homeboy Alan.
We were intent on not letting Sienna ruin the night by making it awkward.
As if that wasn’t why she showed up in the first place.
“What kind of party is this?” Sienna shouted over the cacophony of noise in the restaurant, so we could all hear her. “Y’all so boring. Aye, waiter, bring us some fucking shots! The hometown hero is back, we’ve gotta to celebrate.”
I could feel Logan tensing beside me, so I grabbed her hand under the table, lacing my fingers through hers as some of the others in the group shut Sienna’s shenanigans down. I leaned in, to whisper in her ear, “I’m not bothered by this shit. Don’t let her rile you.”
But of course, Logan wasn’t really the type of woman to be told what to do.
Not that she was letting Sienna upset her, because… nah, I didn’t get that impression at all.
Logan was completely cool.
At the same time, she wasn’t willing to let even an ounce of Sienna’s bullshit ride. Every time she aimed her mouth towards our side of the table, Logan was on her ass.
“I heard the show lost a little flavor recently, what’s up with that?”
“That’s actually old news, and the flavor was trash. So we took it out.”
“You don’t really have any experienced names attached to the show, do you? I’m only asking because I’m afraid it might not have that certain professional touch that execs look for.”
“Our network has already seen it and loved it. But I’m sure you do know plenty about professional touch, Sienna. Weren’t there some pictures of you and that married record label exec you were supposed to be doing that social justice venture with that came out today?
“You know audiences these days are just so fickle. And with so much going on in the world, nobody wants too much of the serious stuff anymore.”
“I get why you’d think that, since everything you do is a joke. But we think a little more highly of our audience than what you’re talking about. I think we’ll be just fine.”
“Damn Pierre,” Sienna finally exclaimed, after realizing Logan was going to have appropriate smoke for everything that came out of her mouth. “Put your bitch on a leash, we’re trying to have a good time.”
“I’ve got your bitch,” Logan called to her across the table. “Come on over here, I’ll show it to you.”
“Aye, that’s enough,” I spoke up, putting a hand on Logan’s shoulder.
Across the table, Sienna tossed an incredibly smug look in Logan’s direction, but I don’t know what the fuck for, because…
“I ain’t talking to her, I’m talking to you, Sienna,” I made clear. “You might be trying to have a good time, but you haven’t done shit for me but toss shade and sabotage at every opportunity. What the fuck is your problem?”
“My problem? I’m not the one that ran away while their friends were still here suffering. I’m not the one who got clean and decided I was too good for the people who weren’t judging me for being supposedly ‘dirty’ in the first place. That was you. So what the fuck is your problem?”
I sat back in my chair a little stunned by that accusation, even though… I guess I could see where she was coming from. It was a common thing, something Will had talked with me about at length.
People who were still struggling projecting their guilt on to you, and the equal possibility that you were projecting the blame for your addiction on to them.
But the thing was, I knew they weren’t responsible for my shit, and I never thought they were. My enemy had always been unresolved grief, insecurity… hell, my own brain.
“I never blamed anybody else for my bullshit,” I spoke up, making sure I directed those words around the whole table. “And I apologize, truly, for making any of y’all feel like I thought I was better than you. I’m not. I’m no better than any of you, and I’m no different,” I said, shaking my head. “Which is exactly why I stayed away, because I didn’t think I was strong enough to maintain the victory that I scratched and clawed to get. And I can’t afford to lose it. I’m not judging anybody for the shit I was doing with them. I just don’t want to go back. And maybe that was wrong of me, thinking that being around y’all could cause that, but I promise you… that’s more about me than it is about you. It’s a question of my strength, not yours.”
“We know that P,” one of our homegirls, Coral, spoke up. “Why did you even invite her?” she asked Jen.
“Because she’s still our friend too, that’s exactly the problem,” Jen snapped at her. “All of us aren’t in the same place, as much as y’all love getting up on a high horse to act like we are.”
“Cause the idea is trying to respect everybody,” Alan said from beside me. “You can’t come in here ordering shots for a table full of people, knowing half of us are trying to stay sober. That’s fucking disrespectful. You can do what you want after, but we’re just trying to have dinner with old friends right now. You niggas can’t just eat and have a good time anymore? You always gotta be lit?”
“Whatever,” Sienna snapped, standing up. “I’m not about to listen to this shit. Fuck you,” she aimed at Coral, who flipped her off, “fuck you,” she told Alan, who just laughed, “and especially fuck you,” she said again, shooting that last one in mine and Logan’s direction.
Okay.
Cool.
As long as I didn’t have to deal with her bullshit anymore.
After a few seconds, Jen got up to follow behind Sienna, which I didn’t feel any way about – that was her friend, and that was fine. I just wasn’t trying to be part of any drama and shit.
And… it seemed like those of us who were left had the same thing in mind.
It felt good to be around them with a clear mind and unmuddied senses – felt good to be in a place where I could be out, enjoying myself with friends with no need to dull reality.
To just be present.
I… was glad, despite Sienna’s drama, that we’d come out.
I hadn’t known how much I needed this – needed to see that I didn’t have to be afraid of coming in contact with my past, or afraid to fully live.
I was good.
“God you look good in this suit,” Logan gushed, coming up to me backstage to fix my tie.
The morning and afternoon had swept by in a blur of press events, pictures, and interviews, and now we were approaching the summit of a mountain we’d been climbing all day – the actual premiere.
I didn’t have any more steam.
It must’ve shown on my face, because Logan looked up, her expression dipping into concern as she studied me. “What’s wrong?” she asked, cupping my face in her hands. “Are you okay?”
My tongue felt heavy in my mouth as I shook my head. “I… no,” I admitted. “Definitely not.”
“Okay. Um… let’s just sit down for a second,” she said, ushering me to a seat before she shooed away the assistants and whoever else had been swarming the area. “Hey… tell me what’s going on.”
I swallowed hard, trying to bring some moisture back to my mouth, but it wasn’t working. “I’ve just…. Fuck. I’ve got this thought in the back of my mind, that all of this shit is about to go wrong, and I can’t shake it. I’m supposed to go out here and give a speech, talk about the importance of this, why these people are supposed to care, and I just… can’t.”
“You can.”
“Nah, I’m really… like, I know you’re being supportive and encouraging, but for real. Logan… I cannot do this shit.”
She grabbed me under the chin, lifting my gaze to hers. “You are due on that stage in literally four minutes. You can, and you will.”
“I can’t think about anything but the failure. That’s all I see. Every time I try to think about what I’m supposed to say, it’s just a loop of everybody fucking hating it. It’s the only thing on my mind,” I admitted, knowing how shitty it sounded, but if I couldn’t keep it a buck with anybody else…
“Okay, so… you need something else on your mind? Something to supersede all this other stuff, right? Something different to overthink, to break the mental loop?”
I chuckled. “Yeah, actually. That would probably work, but this shit is so intense that I don’t even know what—”
“I’m pregnant.”
Logan – beautiful fucking Logan, who was especially exquisite right now in her runway worthy designer dress, perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfectly poised as always – said that shit to me, and then took a step back.
And I just… blinked.
“What?” I asked. “Are you… you’re playing, right?”
She shook her head. “No. Not at all.”
“Logan, I—”
“Don’t have time to talk about this right now, I know,” she interrupted, grabbing my arm to tug me up from my seat. “You have something much bigger than this premiere to worry about now. So, focus all your anxieties on that instead. What you have to do right now, go out here and introduce this show? This is nothing, Pierre. So go do it.”
“Logan—”
“We need to get your mic on, Mr. Perry,” one of the production assistants insisted, rushing up to lead me away.
“I’m gonna go to my seat,” Logan called, giving me a little wave. “We’ll talk later.”
What?
Nah.
We needed to talk now, but she was right – we didn’t have time. And… remarkably, she was right about having something much more significant to worry about making introducing the show feel like a fucking breeze.
We’d practiced and rehearsed enough that I put on that particular performance with ease, but that word, pregnant was electric sliding through my brain the whole time.
“Later,” she scolded, when I tried to address her once I’d taken my seat for the screening to start. We weren’t in private, not really, just a section reserved in an auditorium full of influencers, youtubers, reviewers, journalists, and internet personalities we’d invited to watch the first episode and talk about it honestly.
Damn near everybody who’d worked on the show had their devices out, obsessively watching the reactions from the crowd, but I was obsessing about something else entirely.
Pregnant.
Was that why she’d been so different lately?
“Later,” she scolded, after the screening, when we’d soaked up all the applause. “People want to talk to you.
Yeah, but I didn’t want to talk to them.
At first, it was hard to give a shit about the pats on the back, the congratulations, but when I really saw the smiling faces of the actors, the crew, when Nick and Miko rushed me to wrap their arms around me for an excited embrace… it really hit me.
We’d done it.
And people had loved it.
Yeah, there were some people who felt like it was too moody and dark, but that was more about their personal tastes than a critique on what we’d created. Overwhelmingly, there was a consensus that we had something amazing on our hands.
After all my doubts, all the worries… here it fucking was.
We could celebrate.
I let myself soak it all in, all the raves, all the people wanting to take pictures and shake my hand, the hugs, all of it.
I lost track of Logan in the shuffle of things – or rather, she lost track of me, trying to avoid a very necessary conversation.
I had business to handle though, so I focused on that until the night was over, then made my way back to the hotel alone, since she had at least hit me up to let me know she was exhausted and had to turn in for the night.
Yeah, I bet she did.
I took my time getting undressed and showering in my own room, as I let this shit run through my mind. Not even the semantics of it all, the fact that I hadn’t even thought such a thing was a concern, just the fact that it… was.
A family of my own was something I hadn’t considered in a long time.
A long time.
I’d been so consumed with just trying to figure my shit – myself – out, trying to create something, trying to find my footing, that bringing other people into that wasn’t even a consideration.
And yet… the knowledge of Logan’s pregnancy, as out of left field as it was, had me feeling strangely… rooted.
It was the same way I felt about her.
Like I’d been wading in the dark, treading water, and then finally reached out and touched something solid. Like after just being for so long… my feet were on firm ground.
It was disconcerting.
And… relieving, somehow.
Which was a premature feeling, considering that fact that I didn’t even know what Logan was planning to do.
It was so soon – too soon – to bring a child into an equation we’d just found the answer to. My career was just starting, hers was in full blown – neither was in a place where making such a huge life change was wise.
Logan liked deciding things based on logic – not this emotional shit. It was why it had been so hard for her to even make a firm decision on being with me. I could hope all I wanted, and get settled with the idea of being a father, but… if she – rightly – decided it wasn’t a good time, and she didn’t want to do this… it wasn’t like I could force her hand.
Well… I guess I probably could, but I wouldn’t do that to her, wouldn’t violate her autonomy by begging, or worse, threatening.
Which was why we couldn’t keep saying later.
We needed to have this conversation.
I was picking up my phone to call and see if she was awake when a knock sounded at the door between our rooms. I immediately got up to answer, finding Logan on the other side in her pajamas, hair tied up for bed.
“What’s taking you so long to come talk to me?” she asked.
With a dry chuckle, I let her into the room. “You were the one avoiding me after you dropped that bomb, and then you ran off.”
Logan ran her tongue over her bare lips and nodded. “Yeah… I did, huh?” she gave me a wry smile. “I called myself letting you have your moment… as much as you still could, after I ruined it.”
“You didn’t ruin anything, shorty,” I told her, grabbing her hand to pull her with me to a seat on the bed. “I’m not saying it was the best way to drop that information, but it definitely had the intended effect. I killed that opening speech.”
“You did,” she laughed. “You were amazing. And the show was amazing. And everybody loved it. And I… feel like shit, because it ended up overshadowed.”
I shook my head. “I think you’re projecting, because you didn’t get to present this with your usual Logan delivery,” I said. “I couldn’t be happier with the reception the show is getting, the way it’s being covered, all that. I was distracted as fuck during the screening, but once everybody started gassing me up after, I was having a good time,” I chuckled. “Your announcement didn’t ruin anything but the forty-slide presentation with all the pros and cons you were probably planning to give me.”
“It wouldn’t have been forty slides,” she defended with a smile. “But… I’ve definitely been playing it all in my head.”
“And where have you arrived?” I asked, trying not to sound as nervous as I felt about her possible answer. “What do you think you want to do? Did the pros win or the cons?”
She pushed out a sigh before she met my gaze. “Neither. The pros didn’t matter, and the cons didn’t either. I just… I want to keep the pregnancy,” she said. “And… as much of a shock as it all is, I just hope that’s okay with you?”
“Okay with me?” I laughed, wrapping an arm around her to pull her into me. “It’s a lot more than okay, I’m fucking… relieved.”
Logan tipped her head back to look me in the eyes. “So… you’re happy about this? Not overwhelmed with the crushing fear of ruining a child?”
“Oh nah, I’m definitely that.”
“Oh thank God,” she gushed. “Me too.” I laughed at the relief on her face before she dropped her head to my shoulder. “I’m… feeling a lot of different things, actually. I’ve known for a couple of weeks and still haven’t processed them all. So I know you haven’t either.”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I’m still pretty dazed, but… I’m… also kinda excited.”
“Which is crazy,” she countered. “We’re crazy for this.”
I shrugged. “That’s fine. We’ll be that together.”