Everything you do with regard to your sex life should be fun, but by deliberately making an effort to keep things light-hearted and spontaneous in the bedroom, you can alleviate stress while keeping things sexy at the same time. As you get better at creating new things for you and your partner to experience, your communication and intimacy will increase. Deeper intimacy is a natural byproduct of shared fun.
The word ritual may sound formal and intimidating, but when rituals occur in the bedroom they can actually be lots of fun. Anything you do to give an event special meaning or significance (like a birthday celebration) qualifies as a ritual. Rituals and traditions make ordinary occurrences more memorable.
A ritual or tradition can be anything you make it. It can be as simple as fixing a candlelit dinner with music and a sensual dessert or as elaborate as creating an entire evening that includes lighting incense, playing special music, toasting each other, erotic dancing or touching, and hours of intense lovemaking. A ritual is designed by you to fit your particular needs and tastes.
The key to creating a ritual is to put your attention on it and your intention in it. You are creating a conscious event that is meant for a purpose. That purpose can be defined, acknowledged, and structured so that it enhances whatever state you want to embody or experience.
When setting the scene for your romantic ritual, choose the elements that will make for the perfect sensual environment and add some personalized touches that will make this routine uniquely yours. Select colors, scents and sounds that you and/or your partner love.
Consider the purpose of the ceremony. It may be that you have an anniversary coming up, a special day that was a first for you and your partner, or a birthday. Or perhaps you simply wish to celebrate your relationship.
Once you know what your intent is, you can put together your own ritual. Some ideas you may consider:
Valentine’s Day is the classic time to create a love ceremony. A special dinner, whether at home or at a restaurant, sets the scene for giving gifts and flowers, spending the evening with your partner, and honoring the deep connection and special place you hold in your hearts for each other. The intention is clear and the event is universally recognized. Yet, within this one special day a year, there are many variations to be discovered and created. Here’s a Valentine’s Day ceremony you can adopt or use as inspiration to create one for yourself.
Set aside two hours for the ritual and an additional hour to create the set and setting before the two of you get together. You may need to purchase candles, flowers, fruit (like mango, papaya, small juicy oranges, and kiwi), chocolates, and a sipping liqueur (if you drink alcohol). You may also wish to exchange gifts during the ritual.
Peel, slice, and arrange the food on a plate. This need not be a large amount — you’re only tempting the senses of smell and taste, not eating to be full. Pour a small single glass of the liqueur or whatever drink you desire. The two of you will share this glass.
Arrange the bedroom with clean sheets and pillows. Set the candles in several areas of the room that appeal to you. Place one or two candles in the bathroom. Pick soft, sensual music to play. If you’ve purchased flowers, place them on a table next to the fruit and drink, where you will be able to see them.
When you come together for your evening, tell your partner how excited you are to be having this special time together. Share three specific things that you appreciate about him. At this time, you may also exchange gifts, or you can wait until later.
Take a sensual bath together. Dry each other slowly and accompany your partner to the bed. Exchange massages. Begin without using oils to give a light, fingertip-only massage and gradually explore the subtleties of touch on different areas of the body. Apply a little oil and use a firmer touch, making sure to keep it sensual. The hands giving the touch should be feeling just as exquisite as the body receiving it.
Now face each other, eyes open, and gaze into each other’s eyes. Spend a few minutes like this, breathing slowly and deeply into the belly. Gently begin your lovemaking.
There’s no rush. Take it slowly and enjoy every moment. Remember to breathe into your belly — full, slow breaths. And remember not to get goal oriented by becoming preoccupied about coming or not coming. Fill your senses with the sight, sound, and smell of your beloved.
Use the food and drink that you’ve prepared to excite the senses. Tease a little. Ask your partner to close his eyes and let him briefly smell what you are offering first. Lightly brush the morsel across his lips, allowing him to feel the fruit’s texture.
Weave and dance through your lovemaking. Speak to your beloved. Be vulnerable and open, even if it’s not that easy for you to do. Remember that your lover wants to hear what you are feeling. Tell your partner how much you appreciate his love. Let him know how precious this time is to you.
Playing with your food takes on a whole new meaning in the sensual and sexual context. The possibilities are almost endless when you consider how many foods are considered either sensual in their texture and appearance or actually have aphrodisiac properties. Whipped cream and chocolate sauce in bed is just the beginning.
Create a sensual meal that is made up of finger foods. Include textures that are sensual to the mouth and lips. Place the food in a beautiful setting — why not recline over pillows strewn on the floor? Make a rule: Neither one of you can feed yourself, but you can feed each other!
There are good books available on this subject. Try Diana De Luca’s Botanica Erotica for more fun ideas. She includes body butter recipes, erotic drinks, a guide to erotic herbs, and a variety of food ideas in addition to recipes for making your own tinctures.
Simple games can have a unique place in intimate relationships. They can be fun and challenging. Some people will take to them a little more easily than others. Know your partner and, if you are going to introduce the idea of games into your love-play, pick ones that will be fun for both of you.
Games can teach you new things about your partner. They can gently push boundaries and open new realms. And they can open up a Pandora’s box full of dark secrets, perceived danger, and adventure. Mostly, though, they are fun and a good cause for humor and lightheartedness. They introduce a new approach to sexuality that we don’t often come up with ourselves, and they can be cause for opening up the imagination for creation of your own fun and games.
It’s important to remember to respect your partner at all times. If something isn’t working for one of you, the game is over. Many love games involve surrender and receiving. It is difficult for some people to completely receive from the other. This is something that can be learned. Here are a few ideas to get the juices flowing.
Sight is a powerful sense — perhaps the strongest of all our senses. It is the first sense we draw on in everyday life. It is a powerful driver of experience. When we take it away, we give much more control to our other senses.
Play a lover’s game that will help you heighten your senses and increase your awareness of touch and sensation. As part of an evening of experimental fun, you can create a game around the sense of touch without the sense of sight. Design an evening of exploratory fun that will also train the two of you to pay attention to your other senses.
Find a rose, a piece of very soft fur, a new art-style paintbrush, a feather, or anything that will produce a very sensual feel. You might even want to have a few ice cubes handy. Have a soft scent in a misting bottle and a gentle bell or chime handy. Gather at least four items. Set the scene by lighting candles, putting on soft erotic music, and having something to nibble (strawberries, a little chocolate, or some mango pieces will do!) and something to drink close by. Blindfold your lover. Now use your imagination.
You can also create a fun game using warmed olive oil. To play, set the scene and the mood by lighting candles and making sure the room is warm. Throw some towels or an old rug that you don’t mind staining on the floor. Prepare extra towels and something to drink and nibble on. Gently heat 2 to 3 cups of olive oil in a saucepan. You can add a few drops of a pure essential oil for fragrance if you wish.
When you are ready to begin, both of you should shower. If you have long hair, you may want to pull it back. Put on your favorite erotic music. As you are sitting on the towels, begin to apply olive oil generously to each other’s bodies. Go ahead and really get into it. You’re going to get very oily!
As you oil each other, you’ll notice an incredible freedom to slip and slide all over each other’s bodies. Enjoy this sensual experience to the maximum. You’ll feel as though you’ve never had so much of your body touched and stimulated at one time. Be playful. Fun is the name of the game here.
If you want to move on to making love, you need to clean off the oil first; salad oil may not be your lubricant of choice.
Write your own pulp fiction. Each of you can write an account of your ideal erotic fantasy, then read these aloud to each other. This is a great turn on and a wonderful exercise in spontaneous self-expression. Get pens and paper, and just write. Don’t think. Just write for ten minutes. Or pick another erotic subject that you have thought of ahead of time. Take turns coming up with the subject. Examples: “The best orgasm I ever had” or “The riskiest sex I ever had.” Read these to each other.
Or you can use an intimate apparel catalog as a starting place for an intimate story. Have either the models in the catalog or you two be the subjects. Create an erotic adventure tale.
As you move from games to lovemaking, be creative — don’t just opt for the same few positions in bed. If you’ve got some privacy, explore the rest of your house. The kitchen table is often the perfect height for intercourse. Try the counter for oral sex. Have the woman bend over the arm of the overstuffed chair in the living room for rear entry. The women can also sit on the arm of the sofa and have her partner kneel on the cushions as he enters her. This is a good position in which to put one of your feet up on the back of the couch. Choose the side of the couch that will best allow you freedom of movement and maximum G-spot access.
The most important point here is that you should feel free to be creative and experiment. Take turns thinking up new places and ways to make love. You’ve nothing to lose and a whole lot of fun to gain!
Get yourselves a hassock — they are fantastic for a modified yab-yum position. The man sits on the hassock and his partner sits on top of him and closes her legs around him. He supports her back with his hands. This position is easy on the man’s back. It gives both partners the freedom to rock, grind, and undulate to their hearts’ content.
Another option is to forget furniture altogether and spread a lush carpet or blanket in front of the fireplace. Bring as many pillows out as you can find, to give you a variety of options for shaping your environment to suit the positions you might want to try.
The ancient Kama Sutra texts talk about the physical health and psychological growth that can become available to you when you break away from your normal habits of lovemaking. When you move into nature, for example, you can mimic the birds and the bees, the lioness and her suitor, or two fishes swimming side by side. Being outdoors can add an element of mystery and erotic excitement to the sex act. You can become more aware of yourself and your partner when you remove yourselves from your usual surroundings.
It’s often difficult, in modern living situations, to get to an outdoor place that feels safe for expressing sexual love. If you have a backyard that is private, you can create specially landscaped areas that may be conducive to lovemaking. Or try a gliding porch swing, a piece of lawn furniture, or a love-swing in different places around the yard or in the house. All these things will add titillating new variations to your lovemaking.
You may be inspired by the wild sexuality displayed in mating rituals of different animals. Go to the zoo with your partner or look at nature videos. Check out how the animals do it. In many ancient societies, it was believed that animals can teach and inspire us in our own lovemaking.
Go out into nature and observe, and get inspiration for new positions. Swim like the fishes and try undulating together underwater. Use your nails to scratch lightly and your mouth to bite gently. Use sound to add to the variety. Growl and howl, groan and whimper, moan and hum!