At about the same time that Atticus Claw was talking to the messenger pigeon in Monte Carlo, three black-and-white birds with dark blue wings and jade-green tails flew down from the sky and landed by the side of the main road leading to Littleton-on-Sea. They were magpies.
They crowded round the limp body of a fourth bird, nudging it with their claws. The first magpie had a tuft of grass in its beak. The second one had a twig. The third hopped from one foot to the other, dipping his head and dangling a worm.
None of the birds spoke. The only sound was of the occasional car rushing by.
After a little while the first bird, the glossiest and sleekest of the three, with cruel glittering eyes to match, dropped his offering of grass beside the dead bird’s tail. He nodded to the others. ‘You can begin the funeral now, Slasher,’ he cawed quietly.
The second magpie, who was thin and scrawny with a hooked foot, hopped forwards and arranged the twig neatly beside the tuft of grass. ‘Huh hum.’ He cleared his throat and bowed his head. ‘We are gathered here together,’ he began, ‘in the sight of the A1234, to say farewell to our dear friend, Beaky.’
The third magpie, who was fatter than the other two and had feathers missing from his tail, let out a sob.
‘It’s all right, Thug,’ the first magpie put a consoling wing around his friend’s heaving body. ‘It’s good to cry.’
‘Beaky was truly one of us,’ Slasher continued. ‘He was mean and horrible and nasty. Everyone hated him. He helped give magpies the bad name we’re so proud of. He stole eggs and scared baby birds. He woke people up at five o’clock in the morning with his awful voice—’
‘— Chaka-chaka-chaka-chaka …’ Thug managed a throaty chuckle between sobs.
‘He loved bashing blackbirds and chasing chickens—’ Slasher’s voice was breaking. He wiped tears away with the black tip of his wing. ‘He was an example to us all. I’m sure I squawk for everyone when I say I’m going to miss him.’ He hopped aside to make way for the first magpie. ‘Now Jimmy will say a few words.’
‘Thank you, Slasher; that was beautiful.’ Jimmy Magpie preened his glossy feathers. His eyes glittered like diamonds. Looking down at the roadside, he addressed the dead bird in a solemn voice. ‘You were our friend, Beaky – a valued member of the gang. We lived together, we fought together and we stole together.’ He paused. ‘Good times!’ He let out a cry. ‘Chaka-chaka-chaka-chaka-chaka.’ It was harsher than Thug’s – more of a battle cry. Then his voice hardened. ‘Yours is the third funeral I’ve been to this year, Beaky. First Goon. Then Penguin. Now you. All squished by the side of the road. All mangled by murderers. All crushed by cars.’ Suddenly he looked up sharply. ‘Any more clues yet, Slasher? You were with him when he died.’
Slasher shifted uncomfortably. ‘I’m sorry, Boss. All I know is that it was a Rolls-Royce. I didn’t get the number plate. It all happened so fast.’
Jimmy Magpie glared at him menacingly before turning back to his task. ‘As I was saying … Goon, Penguin and Beaky. All flattened like pancakes by our sworn enemy … humans.’ Jimmy Magpie spat the word out.
Slasher and Thug nodded. They had heard the speech before. At Goon’s funeral. And Penguin’s.
‘But this time the death won’t go unavenged,’ Jimmy Magpie continued, his beak set. ‘This time, we magpies are going to fight back.’
Thug and Slasher looked at one another, puzzled. This bit was new.
‘What are we gonna do, Boss?’ Slasher flexed his wings. ‘I mean, I don’t mind having a go at one but you’ve got to admit them humans are an awful lot bigger than us.’
‘They may be bigger,’ hissed Jimmy Magpie, ‘but most of them are stupid.’
‘Let’s scare baby birds.’ Thug’s beak was twitching with excitement. ‘Humans hate that!’
‘That’s hardly original, Thug, and it’s the wrong time of year.’ Jimmy Magpie sounded bored. ‘Baby birds are born in spring. This is the summer, in case you haven’t noticed.’
‘What about waking them up at five o’clock in the morning with our beautiful singing?’ Slasher suggested.
‘You can if you want, Slasher,’ Jimmy Magpie shook his head impatiently, ‘but I’ve got something much more evil in mind.’
‘What? Like raiding a chicken coop for eggs?’ Thug chuckled. ‘Good thinking, Boss. That always gets them going.’
‘Still too small, Thug,’ Jimmy Magpie said. ‘Think bigger. Think outside the nesting box.’
‘You mean, like get some help?’ The words were out of Slasher’s beak before he realised Jimmy might get mad.
‘CHAKA-CHAKA-CHAKA-CHAKA-CHAKA!’ Jimmy Magpie’s voice rose in his harsh chatter. He flew up and beat the air furiously with his magnificent wings.
Slasher hid behind what was left of Beaky. ‘I didn’t mean it, Jimmy. Honest I didn’t,’ he trembled. ‘Everyone knows you’re the boss.’
Jimmy Magpie put his head to one side and gazed at Slasher without blinking.
‘Sorry, Jimmy!’ Slasher hopped his scrawny frame behind Thug for protection. ‘Please don’t peck me!’
‘Peck you, Slasher?’ Jimmy said smoothly. ‘I wouldn’t do that. In fact, you’re absolutely right,’ he crowed. ‘We could use a little help. Which is why I’ve already made contact with someone I’ve heard of; an animal almost as fiendish as me, who’s perfect for what I’ve got in mind.’
‘No way, Boss.’ Thug gaped at him. ‘No one’s as fiendish as you!’
‘Thank you, Thug.’ Jimmy Magpie preened.
‘Who is he, Boss?’ the magpies chattered.
‘Tell us!’
‘Yeah, please tell us!’
‘His name,’ Jimmy Magpie said slowly, ‘is Atticus Grammaticus Cattypuss Claw … he’s the world’s greatest cat burglar and he’s going to steal every piece of jewellery in Littleton-on-Sea.’ He paused. ‘For us.’
‘A cat …’ gasped Thug.
‘Burgling humans …?’ cawed Slasher.
‘For magpies.’ Jimmy Magpie watched it sink in. ‘Exactly.’ A nasty smile was spreading across his beak. ‘And the beauty of it is that even if the cat gets caught, no one will ever suspect in a million years that he’s working for us.’
‘It’s brilliant, Boss!’ Thug and Slasher said together, looking at their leader in awe.
‘I know,’ Jimmy Magpie said modestly. He straightened up. ‘Now that’s enough chattering. We’ve got work to do. You two start checking out the best houses to burgle.’
They nodded.
‘And I’ll get down to the pier and prepare for the cat.’
Then the three magpies spread their wings and took off up into the blue sky.