Beneath the pier, Jimmy Magpie was hopping up and down the rusty beam in a rage.
‘I knew that cat couldn’t be trusted!’ he screeched.
‘You was right, Boss!’ Slasher said hastily, moving a safe distance away.
‘Yeah, Boss, you hit the tail on the head!’ Thug agreed.
‘NAIL! You idiot. Not tail. I hit the nail on the head.’ Jimmy swiped at him with his beak.
Thug dodged and fell off the beam in a flutter of feathers. ‘Chaka-chaka-chaka-chaka.’
‘But even I didn’t think he’d be capable of such snivelling cowardice!’
‘It’s pathetic!’ Slasher said.
‘Sick!’ agreed Thug. ‘You should have seen your face, Boss, when the cat said he wanted to put all the loot back!’
‘You looked like you’d been told you’d got bird flu!’ Slasher chortled.
‘And then when he took that necklace,’ Thug hooted. ‘I thought you were going to lay an egg!’
THWAK! Jimmy punched them both in the crop.
‘He took me by surprise, you idiots, or I’d have stopped him.’ Jimmy paced up and down. What a wussy pussy!’ he screeched. ‘What a pampered pet!’ He put on a baby voice. ‘Poor little kitty-witty, doesn’t like being a cat burglar any more. Wants us to say sorry and give the jewels back to their owners like good little magpies.’ He picked up an old sardine from a heap beside the nest and bashed it viciously on the twigs until its head fell off. ‘NEVER!!’ he screeched. ‘NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. I’d rather be boiled in oil.’
‘Er … I wouldn’t,’ Thug said nervously, regaining his perch. ‘If it’s all the same to you.’
‘Nor me,’ Slasher gurgled. ‘I’ve never been good with boiling.’
‘SHUT UP!’ Jimmy hurled the rest of the sardine at Thug. Thug ducked. The sardine hit Slasher hard on the chest. He fell off the beam in a flap. ‘You two are the most lily-livered layabouts I have ever come across. You’re a disgrace to the bird world. You’re a pair of pathetic poultry. PUK-PUK-PUK-PUK-PUK-PUK-PUK!’ Jimmy strutted along the beam with his wings tucked in like a chicken. ‘You’re like PIGEONS!’ He turned on them. ‘Remember Penguin? Remember Beaky? Remember Goon?’
‘Yes, Boss.’ Slasher crawled back on to the ledge and collapsed.
‘They’d have been happy to be boiled in oil. They’d have laughed at the prospect. You could have pulled out all their feathers one by one and tied their beaks in a knot and they wouldn’t have cared.’
‘You sure, Boss?’ Thug scratched his head. ‘Only it doesn’t sound much fun.’
‘YES, I’M SURE, YOU FEATHER-BRAINED FATTY!’ Jimmy’s wing popped out in a swift karate chop and punched Thug in the stomach. ‘It’s not meant to be FUN. This is WAR. We’re doing this to HURT HUMANS. Just like they hurt us.’ He drew a claw across his throat. ‘That cat’s curtains.’
Thug gulped. ‘You gonna get the crows in, Jimmy?’ he whispered. ‘Only, can I leave before they kill him? I don’t like the sight of blood.’
‘We don’t need the crows,’ Jimmy snapped, gouging an eyeball from the sardine head and squishing it. ‘Atticus Grammaticus Cattypuss Claw may think he’s so smart snuggling in with Inspector Cheddar and his cheesy little kids.’ He snorted. ‘Well, they’re not going to help him. I’ll teach him to climb up here and steal my jewellery.’
‘We still gonna frame him, Boss?’ Slasher grinned. He liked it when the boss got nasty as long as it wasn’t with him. ‘Even though he’s not gonna take the tiara any more?’
‘We sure are.’ Jimmy squished the other eyeball. ‘Like a bloomin’ Picasso.’
‘We’re gonna frame him! We’re gonna frame him!’ Thug sang, jumping up and down, flapping his wings excitedly. ‘YIPPEE!’
‘He’s going to jay-el! He’s going to jay-el!’ Slasher chanted, doing a little dance. ‘HOORAY!’
Jimmy cackled. ‘I can’t wait to see the look on that cat’s face when he gets arrested! Then, when Inspector Cheddar thinks he’s got the thief safely behind bars, we’ll swoop on the antiques fair and steal the Tofflys’ tiara. And there’s nothing Atticus Grammaticus Cattypuss GOODY-GOODY Claw can do about it.’
‘Oh, Boss, you’re so clever!’ Thug said admiringly. ‘Can I have your claw-tograph?’
‘SHUT UP!’ Jimmy yelled. ‘Now get the plastic bag and fill it up with swag.’
Twenty minutes later Jimmy Magpie landed elegantly in the back garden of number 2 Blossom Crescent. Thug and Slasher tumbled head first after him and crash-landed in the rockery. The plastic bag was heavy. Their beaks ached from carrying it.
‘You wait here. I’ll check that the coast’s clear.’ Jimmy took off again and circled the house, checking in all the windows to see if anyone was there. He left the kitchen until last. His beady eyes glittered as he peered in from the window ledge.
‘Over here!’ Jimmy hissed. ‘The cat basket’s in the kitchen.’ He fluttered down from the window and hopped towards the back door.
Thug and Slasher heaved the bag along the patio.
‘Pick it up!’ Jimmy ordered. ‘We don’t want it to burst!’
‘There’s not much “we” about it,’ Thug grumbled. ‘You’re not doing anything!’
‘Don’t let him hear you say that!’ Slasher hissed ‘Or he’ll pull our feathers out and boil us!’
Thug picked up the bag smartly.
The two magpies struggled towards the cat flap.
‘I’ll hold it.’ Jimmy pushed it open with one powerful wing.
‘Heave!’ The birds swung the bag through the cat flap. It landed on the other side of the door with a loud CLINK.
Jimmy bowed at Thug and Slasher. ‘Ladies first,’ he said sarcastically.
‘Thanks, Boss,’ Thug said.
The magpies hopped in.
‘Nice gaff!’ Slasher said, gazing round the kitchen. ‘Wouldn’t mind living here myself.’ He flew over to the washing machine. ‘This would make a perfect nest if you put a few twigs in it.’ He jumped in. ‘Very cosy!’
‘Here, let me help!’ Thug closed the door. It gave a click. Slasher’s face peered out of the drum. He tapped frantically at the glass with his beak. There was a muffled squawk. ‘Help!’ he yelled. ‘I’m trapped! Let me out!’
Thug ignored him. ‘Chaka-chaka-chaka-chaka!’ He jumped into the laundry basket and bounced up and down on a pile of clean washing. ‘A knicker trampoline!’ he cried in delight. ‘I’m in magpie heaven!’ He picked out one of Inspector Cheddar’s socks and pulled it over his head. ‘Help!’ he yelled, keeling over in fright. ‘Somebody turned the lights out!’
‘PACK IT IN!’ Jimmy pulled the sock off Thug’s head and pecked him.
‘Let me out!’ Slasher’s voice came from inside the washing machine.
‘YOU DODOS!’ Jimmy flew on to the counter above the washing machine and bent his head forward over the control buttons. It wasn’t at all obvious from upside down which one opened the door. Jimmy hesitated.
Thug landed beside Jimmy. ‘It’s this one, Boss,’ he said confidently. ‘Trust me, I’m a pro.’ He leaned over and tapped a button with his beak.
There was a sound of running water. ‘GLUGLUGLUGLUGLUGLUGLUG,’ Slasher gurgled. ‘WHOOAAOOAA …’ The drum started to rotate.
‘PUT THE JEWELS IN THE CAT BASKET,’ Jimmy roared. ‘Before I put YOU in the waste disposal!’
‘All right,’ Thug muttered. ‘Keep your feathers on.’ He fluttered to the floor and pushed Atticus’s basket towards the plastic bag.
‘Stuff them under the mattress,’ Jimmy ordered, ‘so it looks like he’s been trying to hide them.’
Thug lifted the mattress with one foot and emptied the contents of the bag on to the base of the basket. Carefully he re-made Atticus’s bed so that only a few inches of a diamond necklace were visible.
‘Very nice, Thug,’ Jimmy said approvingly. ‘Very nice.’
Thug sighed. ‘Thanks, Jimmy.’ He eyed the necklace. The diamonds twinkled back at him. ‘It’s so lovely,’ he sniffed. ‘It seems such a waste to leave it here!’
‘I know,’ Jimmy said consolingly. ‘But you’ve got to think of the bigger picture, Thug. Think of Atticus Claw in the slammer. Think of Beaky all mangled and mushed. Think of the Tofflys’ tiara.’
‘All the same …’ Thug looked longingly at the diamonds.
‘CHAKA-CHAKA-CHAKA-CHAKA-CHAKA!’ Jimmy glanced at the washing machine. Slasher was still going round. ‘Here, Thug,’ he demanded. ‘What time do kids finish school?’
‘’Bout three, Boss, I reckon,’ Thug sniffed.
Jimmy looked at the kitchen clock. It was only one-thirty. ‘We’d better stay here and keep a lookout in case the cat rocks up before the fun starts,’ he said. ‘We don’t want him busting our plan.’ He stretched out the tip of his wing towards the necklace. ‘You know it does seem a pity,’ he said, stroking the stones thoughtfully, ‘to let the diamonds go for the sake of that cowardly cat. I wonder if there’s anything we could put there instead.’ Jimmy’s eyes glittered. ‘You don’t suppose Mrs Cheddar has anything shiny upstairs, do you?’ he said slowly.
Thug’s eyes gleamed. ‘Bound to!’ he said more cheerfully. ‘Stands to reason, Boss, given how she’s into antiques and all that.’
‘That’s what I was thinking,’ Jimmy nodded. He put his wing round Thug. ‘How about we go and take a look?’
Leaving a soggy Slasher to complete his cycle, they flew upstairs.