It had been over a week since Dr Moloney had interviewed Lucy. She wasn’t sure why the police wanted to help her, or whether she trusted them. Following the assault, she was still struggling with how she felt about the situation she found herself in. She looked at the journal that Dr Moloney had given to her. She was fighting to write down the details she did recall, in case it helped her remember. Dr Moloney seemed genuine in wanting to help, but Lucy would still plead guilty. Her solicitor convinced her to plead not guilty, and Lucy complied, but she wanted everything over with now. It was too much.
Lucy had disclosed everything to her solicitor. Though the physical scars had long since healed, she wondered if she would ever get over the mental ones. Her solicitor had spoken to her colleagues, friends, and family. Although she had a strong case, Lucy’s behaviour outside of work had masked a lot of what she had experienced at home. The jury may find it difficult to believe or even empathize. Sarah Hardy would be a key character witness. It was Sarah who had raised the alarm when Lucy was initially arrested. She knew about the abuse, although not to the level the police had advised, and had been there for Lucy, pestering the police to dig deeper. During one of her visits, Sarah made it clear that she believed Lucy was hiding something. Lucy didn’t know whether to hug her or shout at her. She looked at the journal again, picked up a pencil, and began writing.
I find it hard to write down and share my feelings. I’ve always felt this way. It’s hard for me to explain what I mean, but I’ve always felt I should’ve known better. I did know better. But I thought I was strong enough to handle it. Given the situation I now find myself in, I guess I wasn’t. Do I feel remorse? I feel something, but I’m not sure it can be called remorse. I worry about Siobhan. I know she’s with her grandparents now, but I took away her father. She must hate me. I regret that. And Rory. He’s older, so understands more – he remembered what Patrick did to his mother. He witnessed what Patrick did to me.
What’s worse is that I feel it’s my fault. Rory was so happy to meet his dad again, and I burst that bubble by making Patrick angry when his kids were around. I know it’s wrong to believe that, but it’s how I felt. How I feel – it’s how Patrick made me feel. It’s all your fault, Lucy. You made Patrick do this. Keep your mouth shut. Don’t answer back. Don’t fight back. Just don’t …
I’ve sent Rory a visiting order, in the hope that he will want to visit. I need to explain why I did what I did. He’s still so young. I need to make him understand. Rory has his whole life ahead of him. I only hope that he stays in contact with his sister and explains everything – well, not everything, but most things – to Siobhan in the future. I stayed with Patrick because I really believed it meant the kids would have a safe environment. Wouldn’t have to grow up with a parent who was an alcoholic. Would understand that they needed to find someone who let them be themselves with no fear of repercussions. They need to believe that love is not meant to hurt. I only wished I could have shown them that.
Dr Moloney read the journal entry twice and then looked up at Lucy. She had lost weight, her hair was now cut short and there were dark shadows under her eyes. Kate leaned back in her chair. Although it hadn’t been long since their last visit, she had to admit she’d been hoping for more. There were some things here that needed more exploration. Lucy’s next court appearance was in three months; they were running out of time. If they had enough information to cause the prosecution to question the charge, Lucy could well be released on bail. Even with conditions attached, bail would be better than seeing Lucy waste away on remand. She was a shadow of her former self. What is she hiding?
‘Was it difficult to write that entry, Lucy? You looked pained as I read it.’
‘I know it wasn’t what you wanted. I’m sorry.’ A tear rolled down Lucy’s cheek. She didn’t bother to wipe it away.
Maybe she’d cried so many tears she didn’t even know they were falling?
‘Why would you say sorry? You did what I asked. More even. This is as much for you, Lucy, as it is for us.’ Dr Moloney reached out to put her hand over Lucy’s, but Lucy flinched away.
‘Sorry. I don’t like being touched. I’m not worth all this effort. I told you, Patrick is dead, and I’m glad. Serving a life sentence inside these walls is better than the life I had outside.’
‘Will you continue with the journal? It doesn’t have to be every day. This is brilliant, but I would like you to consider writing down your flashbacks. What you remember. What you dream, or even your nightmares. Anything and everything.’ She pushed the journal towards Lucy.
‘OK. But don’t expect much.’ The sadness in Lucy’s voice was heartbreaking. Kate really wanted to help her, but Lucy needed to help herself first.