When sorrows come, they come not single spies
But in battalions.
—Hamlet, act 4, scene 5
Katherine walked through the front door behind her aunt. The afternoon card party they’d attended was crowded, loud, and quite enjoyable, even though the rain, which had been torrential at times, had moved the festivities inside the Windhams’ house. No one let the pouring skies dampen their spirits or their zeal to win every game. Even Lady Leola, who often only tolerated card parties, seemed to have an especially jovial time, playing several hands before declaring it was time for them to go.
“I’m heading up to change and rest before the round of evening parties begin, my dear,” she said. “You don’t mind, do you?”
“Of course not, Auntie,” Katherine said, taking off her damp bonnet. “It was a rather long event. I’m sure you must be tired. We stayed longer than I thought we would, anyway.”
“And perhaps you should go up and get out of your wet shoes before you do anything else. You know what they say, cold feet will put a cold in your chest.”
Katherine laughed as she laid her cape and gloves on top of her bonnet. “Auntie, I have on my leather high-top boots because it was raining when we left. My feet are dry.”
Aunt Leola raised her brows but said nothing.
“What will I do after I marry and I don’t have you to tell me I need to rest, to change my clothing, to rest my leg?”
“I would like to think your husband will take as good care of you as your uncles and I have.” A rare serious expression settled on her face. For an instant, Katherine thought she saw tears start to pool in her eyes. “That is what he will promise to do when he says his vows. You will tell me if he does not, I trust?”
“When I marry,” she answered cautiously. “Of course, if there’s a problem, I will tell you.”
“I will miss you when you leave this house, but it is time for you to have a home of your own. I’m going up. I’ll see you later in the afternoon.” She patted Katherine’s cheek and started up the stairs.
Katherine supposed she would never outgrow her aunt’s and uncles’ affection to pat her cheeks. She started to follow Auntie Lee when she saw the duke walk out of the drawing room and saunter down the corridor toward her. He looked up at his sister. Aunt Leola paused on the stairs and stared down at him. He nodded once to her and then she continued on her way.
That was an odd exchange between them, and an unusual feeling that something wasn’t quite right stole over her.
“Hello, Uncle,” she said, reaching up to give him a kiss.
“How was your afternoon, dear girl?” the duke asked.
“Very enjoyable, and yours?”
“Good. Lord Greyhawke is here to see you.”
Something was wrong. Katherine’s stomach knotted. “Oh, I … well … Are you sure?”
The duke stared at her for a moment, and then his bushy brows drew together in concern. “I didn’t think it would be a surprise to you that he asked to spend a few minutes alone with you considering your relationship with him.”
Her breath trembled in her lungs. The duke was wrong. It surprised her greatly. There was usually only one reason a young lady would be left alone with a gentleman. If he had intentions of proposing. That thought weakened her knees and her palm pressed harder onto the handle of her cane. That couldn’t be the reason, could it?
Surely not. He had told her many times, and again just yesterday, he would not marry. Had he changed his mind? Hope thudded in her chest and clamored throughout her being.
“Anyway, I’ve granted him that consideration,” her uncle continued. “Do you have any objections?”
Did she?
No, of course not!
Reeling from the shock, from tamping down the joy that wanted to flood her senses at the possibility of marriage to Adam, she managed to say, “No, none.”
“Then I’ll give you some privacy with him. He’s in the drawing room. I’ll be next door in my book room.”
“Thank you, Uncle,” she whispered.
Her stomach was jumping as she walked into the drawing room, feeling as tight as the strings on a violin. Adam stood in front of the fireplace, handsomely dressed in fawn-colored trousers, dark red waistcoat, and black coat. His features weren’t as welcoming as she’d hoped considering the assumed nature of his visit. That gave her a moment’s pause. There was still something about this that didn’t feel right.
Adam walked to meet her in the center of the room. His expression softened as his eyes swept her face. She wondered if he could see or sense her eagerness.
“You look lovely this afternoon, Katherine. The peach color of your dress enhances your skin and makes your eyes sparkle like emeralds.”
“Thank you, my lord,” she answered, still anxious that this visit might not be what she suspected.
“I see you have your cane. How are you walking?”
It had been such a natural part of her for so long, it wasn’t easy to give it up. Katherine took her cane and laid it on the settee behind her. “I seldom use it when I’m alone.”
“That’s good, Katherine. That’s very good.”
His praise calmed her a little, and she cleared her throat. “Uncle said you wanted to talk to me. Alone. I must admit I’m quite taken aback by this.”
“I’ve come to ask for your hand in marriage, Katherine.”
A silent gasp escaped her lips, but once again she sensed in him that all was not as it should be. “But you said you’d never want to marry again.”
“That was my plan when I came to London. I had no idea I would meet you and that our relationship would progress as it has and open you up to ridicule and scandal.”
She blinked slowly, convinced even more that all was not as it should be. “So you want to marry me to save me from scandal?”
“Your uncle is right. I have damaged your reputation more than once. It was never my intention to cause you harm in any way, and because of that I am honor-bound to offer for you.”
Katherine’s back stiffened. He wasn’t saying exactly what she wanted to hear and that bothered her. “It sounds as if you want to offer for me to save your honor.”
His forehead wrinkled in concern. “Katherine, that’s not what I said.”
“If not, then perhaps you should start over if you intend to ask me to marry you.”
“All right, it’s true that I have compromised you, but make no mistake that I am asking you to marry me because I love you.”
His words astounded her. “Do you mean that? You love me?”
“More than you will ever know.” Adam picked up her hand and kissed the back of her palm. “How could you not at least suspect that I love you? I can’t keep my hands off you when we are together. Yes, I want to marry you and make you mine.”
Goose bumps peppered her skin, and suddenly she wished for her cane to help support her. “I never thought to hear you say that.”
His gaze swept her face again. “I have wanted you since the first night I saw you standing so close to the dance floor. I meant it when I said I want you more than I’ve ever wanted any other woman.”
“But you said you would never marry again.”
“I never thought I would. I have resisted my feelings for you and denied my love because of genuine fear for you.”
“What fear?”
“For your life if I take you into my bed and give you a babe. I have thought about this and there are things we can do to prevent you from getting in the family way. They won’t be as satisfying, and we will have to be very cautious, but I swear to you I will do everything in my power to keep you from bearing a child.”
Katherine’s heartbeat seemed to stumble and then rumble like thunder across her chest and roar in her ears. What was he saying? “Things we can do? I don’t understand.”
“You don’t need to understand them right now,” he said softly. “I can explain them all later. None of them are one hundred percent guaranteed, but with a combination of all the things that are available to us, we can be fairly certain you won’t have a babe.”
Not have a child? But she wanted children. Katherine slowly pulled her hand from his grasp and stepped away. “Are you saying you want me to marry you, but you don’t want me to have your children?”
Her words sounded bleak in her ears. He looked at her as if he couldn’t understand why she wasn’t comprehending him.
“You can’t. I will not chance losing you the way I lost Annie.”
Katherine stared into his eyes and for the first time saw how serious he was. How affected he still was by his wife’s death.
For an instant, she was uncertain what to say. She had always thought him to be a complex man, a man troubled by his past, but this fear went far deeper than she had suspected.
“I see no reason why you should be afraid of losing me in childbirth just because you lost her.”
“There is every reason to fear that. I have Dixon for my heir, so there is no reason to risk losing you to have a child.”
Keeping her voice calm and her emotions in check, she said, “If we married, I’d have no problem being a mother to Dixon. He’s a sweet child, and I could easily grow to love him. But I will have your word that I will have my own children or I will not marry you.”
“Why are you being stubborn about this when you know how much I love you and want you?” he asked.
Angrily, she clenched her teeth a moment before saying, “So it’s me being stubborn rather than you being completely irrational?”
“Yes, it is.”
“It is a man’s duty to give his wife sons and daughters.”
“Not if it will kill her.”
There was an uncomfortable edge to his voice. He took a step closer to her. Her hands closed into fists. “You don’t know that it will, and you are being selfish.”
His eyes narrowed, and his lips formed a crease of frustration. “I am being kind and protective, which is what husbands also do.”
“My aunt and uncles have pampered me for years. I will not let you do it, too. I may have a limp, but I am strong and healthy and there is no reason I can’t bear you a son.”
“Katherine, this has nothing to do with your limp. It has to do with me.”
“Having a babe is my choice to make. If I am willing to take the chance, why would you deny me? You will trust me to walk, to dance, but you won’t trust me to have your child?”
“My wife died trying to have my child!” he said earnestly.
“And my sisters and brother died without ever having the chance to grow up, marry, and have a family of their own. I will have children for them. I will name my children after my sisters and brother so their memory can live on. That is what husbands do. They give their wives babes and if you can’t do that I will not marry you.”
“Don’t you think I want to?” he whispered harshly. “I can’t.”
Her throat burned and ached from holding in her grief, but she managed to whisper, “Maybe you are a beast. It’s not natural for a man to not want sons.”
Adam gently took hold of her upper arms. “For three days, I watched Annie die because the babe wouldn’t come. Three heart-wrenching days. Hour after hour I listened to her scream in pain, until the only sound she could make was a pitiful moan. She told me she hated me for giving her the babe and it was my fault the babe wouldn’t be born. When it was clear the midwife and accoucheur, the potions and teas, could do nothing for her, she begged me to end her life. She begged me to give her more laudanum to end her life. I would never put you through that, Katherine. Never. And yes, I was a beast after she died. I overturned furniture and tore down draperies. And it had nothing to do with my overwhelming love for her. It was guilt. Guilt because I swore to protect her and didn’t. Guilt because in the end, I was her husband, I planted the seed that gave her the babe, and I couldn’t save her. I won’t risk your life for a son and I won’t go through that agony again.” He let go of her and stepped away. “I swear to heaven I love you more than my own life, but I cannot give you a child.”
His words burned into her soul. At last Katherine understood.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that with your first wife. I’m sure it will be forever etched in your mind, but just because she blamed you doesn’t make it true. Most any woman in pain would do the same thing. It is human nature, Adam. She and her baby were dying. She had to blame someone.”
“If only that were true. It wasn’t just Annie. The midwife told me it was my fault she couldn’t have the babe. That no woman would be able to bear me a child because I am such a big man. I will always have big babes.”
Katherine took a step toward him. “How can she know that?”
“I’m six feet four, Katherine. My shoulders are wide, my feet are big. I’d rather deny myself your love than cause your death.”
She didn’t believe what the midwife had said, but she saw the emotion in his eyes, heard it in his voice. He wouldn’t be swayed. Intense sadness buried deep in her soul.
“There are no guarantees in life for anyone, Adam. Risk is part of life. So is death. I’ve known that since I was seven. Most things that are worth having come with a little risk.”
“But I won’t risk your life. I won’t watch you die, too. I love you too much. Getting you in the family way would be the same as pushing you in front of a runaway carriage.”
Katherine blinked back tears and sucked in a huge, deep breath of courage. “Love is very powerful, and my love for you is strong and true. And as much as it breaks my heart, Adam, I cannot give up my dream of having children to marry you.”
He jerked as if she’d slapped him.
“You made a vow, but so did I.” She felt as if her words were being ripped out of her. “I will have children for my brother and sisters. I didn’t have the pleasure of watching them grow up. I didn’t get to see them play, laugh, and get married. But I will watch my own children do all those things. I’m brokenhearted their father won’t be you. But you ask too much of me. Thank you wanting me, for loving me, and for showing me how deeply a man can desire a woman. For wanting to spare me Annie’s fate, too. But my answer to your proposal remains no.”
“Katherine.”
He said her name so softly, she almost relented.
Swallowing a gulping breath, she added, “Don’t worry about me, my lord. If the scandal breaks and Lord Rudyard doesn’t want to marry me, I will find a suitable match. I am the niece of a duke and the only heir to my father’s fortune. Don’t think for a moment I cannot find a husband even if my name is shredded by gossip. Now excuse me.”
Somehow Katherine managed to hold her head high and calmly walk out of the room, up the stairs, and to the sanctuary of her room before she realized she had walked all that way without her cane. And that was when the first tear rolled down her cheek.