Thanks to the English, we have a language that can be used globally. And thanks to the vision of the early post-independence leaders in Singapore, learning English as a first language from a tender age made it easy for me to master it.
While not all countries have embraced English usage in such a widespread manner, many governments have recently jumped on the bandwagon to stress its importance in connecting with the rest of the world. With an ever-increasing English-speaking global population, barriers of communication have come crashing down, economies have prospered and entertainment can be enjoyed globally.
But in many corners of the world, there are still people who struggle with the language on a day-to-day basis, although not for lack of trying.
In 2009, I walked into a DVD store in a little suburban mall and picked up a second-hand copy of Mad About English. It’s one of those DVDs you pick up on a whim, the kind you purchase when all you want to do is retreat to your bedroom and hide from friends and family. The movie is described as “a hilarious and heart-warming tale about China’s newfound passion for the English language as it prepares to host the 2008 Olympics”. It was shot documentary-style in the run-up to the event through the eyes of common folk living and working in Beijing. Forget The Simple Life, The Apprentice or The Bachelorette… this, my friends, is the ultimate in reality TV.
Everyone in the show, be they students, retirees, policemen, taxi drivers or chefs, wanted to learn English so that they would be prepared to welcome the hordes of athletes and tourists that would descend on the city for the Olympics (which was clearly an event of great national pride). The movie chronicles the struggles and obstacles they had to overcome to master the language, and we all know how difficult this can be. After all, English can sometimes border on the loony and the nonsensical.
Why, for example, is a runny nose known as such when it is actually not going anywhere, and why is it quicksand when it actually slowly consumes its victim? Why does night fall but never break, and day break even though it doesn’t fall? Does a non-stop flight ever return to the ground? And if a vegetarian eats vegetables, do we need to keep far, far away from the humanitarians?
The struggle that many have with the English language manifests itself very often on signs. In Mad About English, a retired foreign teacher named David Tool leads teams of locals around Beijing in search of grammatical errors on signs, and in the process earns himself the nickname “Grammar Cop”. Some of the signs the team spotted had simple spelling errors, others bore grammatical mistakes, and yet others clearly justified detention for the sign-maker and one hundred lines on the blackboard as punishment.
After a hard day’s work, David and his team were also filmed having lunch in a restaurant, but were quite overwhelmed by the menu. Most of us have probably heard of and even tasted “Buddha Jumps Over the Wall” (an aromatic stew comprising various delicacies, including shark’s fin), but what exactly can one expect when he or she orders “Segment of Beans Explode Large Intestines?” Beans that explode in our colons after they have been partially digested? Beans that cause copious amounts of gas in the colon that is later expelled via anal acoustics?
Also on the menu was “The Incense is Ruthless Bullfrog”. Now we all know that incense is generally meant for prayers and has a slight fragrance to it, but when did it become a ruthless killer? Or are we talking about religious bullfrogs that make spiritually excellent meals? Feeling cannibalistic? How about the rather appetisingly named “Hunan (Human?!) Flesh for a Short Time”?
I’ve seen similar gaffes all over the world — in Bangkok, Tokyo and even in Hong Kong. My recent trip to Lijiang in China further unearthed a goldmine of bad English signs, and a dire need for more English language teachers. Travellers who arrive in the city on their own must first go to “The Service Centre of Traveller by Himself”, presumably to register and to find somewhere to stay. When exploring the city in search of food, they should heed the signs that caution: “Eating out should keep civilised behaviour, and keep healthy eating in mind”. Should they not heed the warning, the policeman of uncivilised behaviour and unhealthy eating will arrest them and throw them in jail, where they may be fed a diet of “Bottered Deep Fried Bananas” until they repent.
An exploration of the city would also likely include a trip to the famous Black Dragon Pool. But if anyone finds their way there, he or she must clearly watch their step, lest they miss the sign to “Beware Offalling in the Pool” and end up smelling like entrails for the rest of the trip. After all, the rest of the sign says “No Fishing, No Swimming, No Washing”, so clearly there must be something in the water that doesn’t meet China’s strict sanitary standards. Furthermore, any rubbish that is seen around the pool must be left where it is, for the warning reads, “No, not disorder rubbish here”. After all, how should tourists or foreigners know how the locals prefer their rubbish to be arranged?
Back in the main town, if one were to contribute to the economy in Lijiang, they must first be reminded, “Don’t forget to keep civilised behaviour during outing, and shopping should be rational”. Disregarding the numerous grammatical mistakes, this is clearly an impossible decree. At least half of the human race does not understand the phrase “shopping should be rational”, even if translated into a hundred other languages, so why even bother to put up this sign?
But amidst the bad English, there actually are some signs in Lijiang that are grammatically correct. Installed at several junctions are signs that read, “Do not make noise in the ancient civilised town”. This is perfect English if you ask me. But when the sun goes down and the lights come on, the booming bass beats and screeching of wannabe pop stars in the bars and discotheques within the city reverberate for miles. They start at sundown and continue until the early hours of the morning. Perhaps Lijiang doesn’t just need more teachers to correct signs with bad English, they need more people to understand the language!