WE WERE TALKING, Hank and I, about how that which we love is so often destroyed by the very act of our loving it. The bar was dark, but comfortably so, and by the flittering light of the television I could make out the rough texture of his face. He was, in spite of everything, a beautiful man.
We’d lost our jobs at the call center that day, both of us, but Hank didn’t seem to care. All day strangers yelled at us, demanding we make their lost packages reappear. Hank kept a handle of bourbon in the break room, hidden behind the coffee filters, for those days when a snowstorm back East slowed deliveries and we were made to answer for the weather. After we were told the news of the firing, Hank spent the afternoon drinking liquor from a styrofoam cup and wandering the floor, mumbling to himself. For one unpleasant hour he stood on two stacked boxes of paper, peering out the high window at the cars baking in the parking lot. I cleaned out my desk, and then his. Things between us hadn’t been good in many months.
Hank said: “Take, as an example, Abraham Lincoln.”
“Why bring this up?” I asked. “Why tonight?”
“Now, by the time of his death,” he said, ignoring me, “Lincoln was the most beloved man in America.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Or was he the most hated?”
Hank nodded. “People hated him, yeah. Sure they did. But they also loved him. They’d loved him down to a fine sheen. Like a stone polished by the touch of a thousand hands.”
Lincoln was my first love and Hank knew the whole story. He brought it up whenever he wanted to hurt me.
Lincoln and I had met at a party in Chicago, long before he was president, at one of those Wicker Park affairs with fixed-gear bikes locked out front, four deep, to a stop sign. We were young. It was summer. “I’m going to run for president,” he said, and all night he followed me—from the spiked punch bowl to the balcony full of smokers to the dingy bedroom where we groped on a stranger’s bed. The whole night he never stopped repeating it.
Finally, I gave in: “I’ll vote for you.”
Lincoln said he liked the idea: me, alone, behind a curtain, thinking of him.
“I don’t understand what you mean,” I said to Hank.
“Here you are with me. Together, we’re a mess. And now the wheels have come off, Manuel.”
“Like Lincoln?”
“Everything he did for this nation,” Hank said. “The Americans had no choice but to kill him.”
I felt a flutter in my chest. “Don’t say that,” I managed.
Hank apologized. He was always apologizing. He polished off his drink with a flourish, held it up, and shook it. Suddenly he was a bandleader and it was a maraca: the ice rattled wonderfully. A waitress appeared.
“Gimme what I want, sugar,” Hank said.
She was chewing gum laconically, something in her posture indicating a painful awareness that this night would be a long one. “How do I know what you want?”
Hank covered his eyes with his hands. “Because I’m famous.”
She took his glass and walked away. Hank winked at me and I tried to smile. I wished he could have read my mind. That night it would have made many things between us much simpler.
“The thing is,” Hank said once he had a fresh drink, “there’s a point after which you have finished loving something, after you have extracted everything of beauty from it, and you must—it is law—discard it.”
This was all I could take. “Oh Christ. Just say it.”
There was a blinking neon sign behind the bar, and Hank looked over my shoulder, lost himself in its lights. “Say what?” he asked.
“What you want to say.”
“I don’t know what I want.” He crossed his arms. “I never have. I resent the pressure to decide.”
Lincoln was a good man, a competent lover, a dignified leader with a tender heart. He’d wanted to be a poet, but settled for being a statesman. “It’s just my day job,” he told me once. He was sitting naked in a chair in my room when he said it, smoking a cigarette and cleaning the dust from his top hat with a wooden toothbrush. And he was fragile: his ribs showed even then. We were together almost a year. In the mornings, I would comb out his beard for him, softly, always softly, and Lincoln would purr like a cat.
Hank laid his hands flat on the table and studied them. They were veiny and worn. “I’m sorry,” he said, without looking up. “It wasn’t a good job, was it?”
“No,” I said. “But it was a job.”
He rubbed his eyes. “If I don’t stop drinking, I’m going to be sick. On the other hand, if I stop drinking . . . Oh, this life of ours.”
I raised one of Hank’s hands and kissed it.
I was a southern boy, and of course it was something Lincoln and I talked about. Hank didn’t care where I was from. Geography is an accident, he said. The place you are born is simply the first place you flee. And then: the people you meet, the ones you fall for, and the paths you make together, the entirety of one’s life, a series of mere accidents. And these too are accidents: the creeks you stumble upon in a dense wood, the stones you gather, the number of times each skips across the bright surface of the water, and everything you feel in that moment: the graceless passage of time, the possibility of stillness. Lincoln and I had lived this—skipped rocks and felt our hearts swelling—just before he left Illinois for Washington. We were an hour outside Chicago, in a forest being encroached upon by subdivisions. Everywhere we walked that day there were trees adorned with bright orange flags: trees with death certificates, land marked for clearing, to be crisscrossed by roads and driveways, dotted with the homes of upright American yeomen.
Lincoln told me he loved me.
“I’ll come with you,” I said. I was hopeful. This was years ago.
That morning he’d gone to the asylum to select a wife. The doctors had wheeled her out in a white gown and married them on the spot. Under the right care, they said, she’ll make a great companion. Her name was Mary Todd. “She’s very handsome,” Lincoln said. He showed me a photograph and I admitted that she was.
“Do you love her?” I asked.
Lincoln wouldn’t look me in the eye.
“But you just met her today.”
He answered with a sigh. When he had been quiet long enough, he took my hand. We had come to a place where the underbrush was so overgrown that the construction markers seemed to get lost: mossy, rotting tree trunks were everywhere, gnarled limbs and tangled vines hung over the trail. Lincoln kept hitting his head as we walked.
“This forest is so messy,” he complained.
I said, “You’re too fastidious to be a poet.”
He gave me a sheepish smile.
Back at the bar, Hank was falling apart before my eyes. Or pretending to. “What will we do?” he pleaded. “How will we pay the rent?”
It was a good question. He slumped his shoulders and I smiled at him. “You don’t love me,” I said.
He froze for a moment. “Of course I do. Am I not destroying you, bit by bit?”
“Are you?”
Hank’s face was red. “Wasn’t it me that made you lose your job?”
It was good to hear him say it. Hank had been in the habit of transferring his most troublesome callers to me, but not before thoroughly antagonizing them, not before promising that their lost package was only the beginning, that they could expect far worse, further and more violent attacks on their suburban tranquility. Inevitably they demanded to speak to a manager, and I would be forced to bail out my lover. Or try to. I wasn’t a manager, I never had been, and the playacting was unbearable. The customer barked insults and I gave it all away: shipping, replacements, insurance, credit, anything to get them off the line. Hank would be listening in from his cubicle, breathing a little too heavily into the receiver, and I knew I was disappointing him. Afterward, he would apologize tearfully, and two weeks might pass, maybe three, before it would happen again.
It took Accounting months to pin it on us.
Now Hank sighed. “What would you have done without me anyway? How could you have survived that place?”
I didn’t answer him.
We emptied our pockets, left the bar, and walked into the night. The heat outside was never-ending. It was eleven-thirty or later, and still the desert air was dense. This time of year, those of us who were not native, those whom life had shipwrecked in the great Southwest, began to confront a very real terror: summer was coming. Soon it would be July and there would be no hope. We made our way to the truck. Hank tossed me the keys and I caught them, just barely. It was the first good thing that had happened all day. If they’d hit the ground, we surely would’ve spent hours on hands and knees, palming the warm desert asphalt, looking for them.
“Where to?” I asked.
“You know.”
I drove slowly through downtown, and then under the Ninth Avenue Bridge, and into the vast anonymity of tract homes and dry gullies, of evenly spaced streetlights with nothing to illuminate. We had friends who lived around here, grown women who collected crystals and whose neighborhood so depressed them that they often got in the car just to find somewhere else to walk the dog. Still, beneath the development, it was beautiful country: after a half hour, the road smoothed out; another ten minutes and the lights vanished, and then you could really move. With the windows down and the hot air rushing in, you could pretend it was a nice place to live. A few motor homes tilting on cinder blocks, an abandoned shopping cart in a ditch, glittering in the headlights like a small silver cage—and then it was just desert, which is to say there was nothing at all but dust and red rock and an indigo sky speckled with stars. Hank had his hand on my knee, but I was looking straight ahead, to that point just beyond the reach of the headlights. With an odd job or two, we might be able to scrounge together rent. After that, it was anyone’s guess and the very thought was exhausting. I felt—incorrectly, it turns out—that I was too old to have nothing again.
Lincoln and I spent a winter together in Chicago. He was on the city council and I worked at a deli. We couldn’t afford heat, and so every night we would curl our bodies together, beneath a half-dozen blankets, and hold tight, skin on skin, until the cold was banished. In the middle of the night, the heat between us would suddenly become so intense that either he or I or the both of us would throw the covers off. It happened every night, and every morning it was a surprise to wake, shivering, with the bedclothes rumpled on the floor.
I’d made my way to southern Florida by the time he was killed. It had been eleven years since we’d been in touch. For the duration of the war I had wandered the country, looking for work. There was a white woman who had known my mother, and when I wrote to her, she offered me a place to stay in exchange for my labor. It seemed fine for a while. At dusk the cicadas made their plaintive music, and every morning we rose before dawn and cleared the undergrowth and dug canals in an endless attempt to drain the land. There were three men besides me, connected by an obscure system of relations stretching back into the region’s dim history: how it was settled and conquered, how its spoils had been divided. There was a lonely Cherokee and a Carib who barely spoke and a freed black who worked harder than the three of us together. The white woman had known all of our mothers, had watched us grow up and scatter and return. She intended to plant orange trees, just as she’d seen in a brochure once on a trip to Miami: trees in neat little rows, the dull beauty of progress.
But this land was a knot, just a dense, spongy mangrove atop a bog. You could cup the dirt in your hands, squeeze it, and get water. “It’ll never work,” I said one afternoon, after a midday rain shower had undone in forty-five minutes what we had spent a week building. She fired me then and there, no discussion, no preamble. “Men should be more optimistic,” she said, and gave me a half hour to gather my things.
It was the freed black who drove me to the bus station. When he had pulled the old truck out onto the road, he took his necklace from beneath his shirt. There was a tiny leather pouch tied to it.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It’s a bullet.” He turned very serious. “And there’s a gun hidden in the glade.”
“Oh,” I said.
He barely opened his mouth when he spoke. “That woman owned my mother, boy, and that land is going to be mine. Do you understand me now? Do you get why I work so hard?”
I nodded, and suddenly felt a respect for him, for the implacability of his will, that was nearly overwhelming. When I had convinced him I understood, he turned on the radio, and that’s when we heard the news: Ford’s Theatre, the shooting, Sic semper tyrannis. The announcer faded in and out; and though I would miss my bus because of it, we found a place with good reception and, without having to say a word, both agreed to stop. The radio prattled breathlessly—the assassin had escaped—no, they had caught him—no, he had escaped. It was a wretched country we were living in, stinking, violent, diseased. I listened, not understanding, and didn’t notice for many minutes that my companion had shut his eyes and begun, very quietly, to weep. He closed his right fist around the bullet, and with the other gripped the steering wheel, as if to steady himself.
I’ve been moving west since.
That night we were fired, Hank and I made it to the highway, heading south, and then everything was easy. Along the way I forgot where we were going, and then remembered, and then forgot again. I decided it was better not to remember, that something would present itself, and so when the front right tire blew, it was like I’d been waiting for it all night. Hank had dozed, and now the truck shook violently, with a terrific noise, but somehow I negotiated it—me and the machine and the empty night highway—in that split second, a kind of ballet. Hank came to when we had eased onto the shoulder. I was shaking, but alive.
“What did you do?” he asked, blinking. “Is this Mexico?”
It seemed very real, what I felt: that truck had, through mechanical intuition, decided to blow a tire for me, to force me to stop. I turned on the cabin light. “How long has it been since you stopped loving me?”
“Really?” he asked.
I nodded.
“What month is this?” Hank said desperately.
I didn’t budge.
“Are you going to leave me here?”
“Yes,” I said.
He smiled, as if this were a moment for smiling. “I’m not getting out. I paid for this truck.”
“No you didn’t,” I said.
“Still,” he shrugged, “I’m not getting out.”
Which was fine. Which was perfect. There was a spare in the back, but it was flat too. If one must begin again late in life, better to do so cleanly, nakedly. I left the keys in the ignition. Out here, outside our small city, the air had cooled and I breathed it in. Life is very long. It had been years, but I recognized the feeling immediately. It wasn’t the first time I’d found myself on a dark highway, on foot, with nowhere to go.