Maynard, Massachusetts
Two Days Later
Jason Lee
I swallow the last drops of a dark beer and look out over the Assabet River from my balcony. The last twenty-fours have been pure torturous hell. All I can do is remember two little girl’s faces when I said goodbye. Tears flowing like they’d lost their best friend. Four little chubby hands clinging to my legs like I was their lifeline as I walked to my rental car. Bite marks still red and inflamed on my ass.
I’ve never felt worse. I’ve never felt more alone.
I’ve never been more certain about my feelings than I am right now.
There’s only been one other time I’ve felt this discombobulated, with that lost, unsettled feeling of gloom and dread and love so deep inside me that has me feeling like I might die. I felt similar the day I left Springhill, my shirt wet with Jen’s tears, my heart pounding in my chest as Keith hugged my neck while trying to be strong, trying to stay calm and collected, when I could feel his pulse racing against my own. For weeks, I felt like I might just shrivel up and die.
I feel that way today, only worse. Helpless. Weak. Hopeless. Broken.
Jealousy stabs at me with thoughts of Keith and Jen laughing, sharing meals, fucking, and falling asleep together. Raising my daughter. Ugly, backbiting envy coils through my chest like sharp clusters of barbed wire knowing that Jen’s luscious lips linger around the same cock that mine have been cherishing for years. The only cock I’ve ever had inside me. The only cock I’ve ever sucked dry. The only man I’ve ever loved. The only woman I’ve ever loved.
And those two beautiful baby girls. My daughter. My offspring. My heart and soul. Christ Jesus, I’ve never felt so in love. Never felt so protective. Never wanted to be a part of any four people’s lives so badly. Rylee and her pretty dark hair and bright smile. Kaylee and her touch of boldness, her sky-blue eyes and fine blonde locks which I don’t even have to question she inherited from her biological father, though she calls me her uncle, a fact that if I overthink for too long, slices through me with a pain so agonizing, so cutting and deep, that I almost want to blow my fucking head off for ever allowing it to happen.
A single tear rolls quickly down the side of my face and lands on the top of my thigh.
Who am I? Where do I belong? Where does life need me to be?
“Christ!” I tug at the sides of my hair, damned well knowing where I belong.
And it’s not in Maynard fucking Massachusetts.
Three hours later, I’m still outside. The sun is long gone, and there’s only the pitch-dark black of night. With my hands shaking, my heart in my throat, and my future on the line, I reach for my phone and pull up my contacts. He answers on the second ring.
“Jason.” His sleepy tone is low and hoarse.
“I—I…” I twist my eyes shut while trying to fight the emotion barreling through me.
“What is it, Jason? Why are you calling me in the middle of the fucking night?”
“It’s … you. Me. Her. Those two beautiful girls. I tried,” I say with my voice cracking. “I fucking tried with all that I am. I did.”
Keith lets out a loud, shaky breath. “What are you trying to say?”
I release my own air, which is lodged deep in my throat, as I picture a nude Keith, a nude Jen beside him, those perfectly beautiful little girls tucked tightly in their beds. I ran once when everything in my heart told me to do the opposite, but I won’t run again. This journey called life is short, and I won’t miss another day in my daughter’s life. I won’t miss another first. I won’t miss a single fucking thing. She’s my family, my blood, my world. And whether the three of us grow strong, or whether this tough love weakens, I’m determined. I’m hell-bent. I’ll fight for the people I love until the very end. With no idea how or if this can possibly ever work, I’ve finally realized that anything worth having comes with a steep price, and I’m more than willing to take that risk. I’m damn sure going to give it all I’ve got and the old college try. I’ll die trying.
“Your boy … he’s coming home.
The End