SO WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT MARITAL SEX
Don’t do it until you’re married.
Sexual sin will send you to hell.
If your spouse wants it, you better do it.
Otherwise, they will struggle with sexual temptation.
Or they will leave you and go find it somewhere else.
That is about the sum total of what most people think the Bible says about sex. However, in His Word, God addresses sexuality in a much deeper and finer way. Some of you may be eager to learn God’s perspective on sex. You may wish you knew more about what the Bible teaches about sex and God’s view of sexuality. However, some of you may find the whole topic uncomfortable or embarrassing. For others, you have read books on sex and gone to numerous marriage retreats where sex was one of the topics, but talking about sex has become discouraging and something you would rather avoid. You have heard lots of lessons about how sex should be great, that everyone should be having sex often, and that you need to spice up your sex life. This can sometimes lead to hopelessness. You may have some serious areas you are working on in order to develop a mutually fulfilling sex life. We pray that these words will give you a new life-transforming view of sexuality. This may include reexamining your beliefs and coming to a new understanding of the biblical view of marital sexuality. Let’s take a deeper look at the Scriptures in the Bible on sex in order to bring how you are living out your sexual relationship closer to what God intends.
Sexuality and God
One of the areas about sexuality that can be very confusing for Christians is how to fit God in the picture. For many of us, it seems that our thoughts about sexuality have little connection to our thoughts about God. Sex is over here on the far right, and God is over here on the far left, and they never interact. Even the two words, God and sex, in the same sentence seem kind of inappropriate. This is even truer for the words sex and Christ. When you think about it, really, Jesus never even had sex, so it seems so inappropriate or even sacrilegious to put sex and Christ in the same sentence, right? What do the two have to do with each other? Yet that is not what we find in the Bible. God speaks to us in every area of our lives, and that includes sexuality. We do not have to divorce ourselves from God and Jesus in the middle of sex in order to allow ourselves to experience the full, sensual enjoyment possible during sex.
We personally have hundreds of books and articles on sexuality on our bookshelves, some from a Christian perspective and some not. This is only a very small amount of the information that exists on this incredibly important area of the marital relationship. Our journey to understand this has included a continual search, both personally and professionally, for grounding in the Scriptures and for finding what really works in helping couples improve their sexual relationship. Before beginning to specialize in sexuality, Jennifer took some extensive time to look up every scripture that referenced sex and marriage. If you are a married couple, and this is an area of difficulty for you, this is our first recommendation. If you are a therapist working from a Christian perspective, or a ministry leader wanting to help married couples, and you want to grow in your competence in working with sexuality, this is our first recommendation. Ground yourself in what the Scriptures say about sex. To help you, we have included quite a few scriptures that you can compare to your view of sexuality.
There are many books out there in the Christian publishing industry that have differing perspectives and theological stances about the marital and sexual relationship. Although there is some helpful information out there, it is important to take a very critical stance when reading them. Some of those books, though the motivation of the author(s) may be to help, contain some biblical, psychological, and physiological errors. Others take stances that may be contrary to the heart of the Scriptures and the heart God has about sexuality between a husband and wife. We hope you take the same critical view of what will be shared here.
In our work with couples and in doing workshops—both professionally and in the ministry—we have found that there is usually a lot of learning and relearning that has to happen in order to grasp God’s perspective on marital intimacy. Couples often have to work through false beliefs about sex and the incredible pain that often surrounds this area of an individual’s and couple’s life. Be a noble Berean (Acts 17:11) and look up the scriptures and spiritual principles found in this book so that you can feel confident, convinced in your own mind (Romans 14:5), of what the scriptures teach.
A Biblical View of Sexuality
“The language and imagery of sexuality are the most graphic and most powerful that the Bible uses to describe the relationship between God and his people—both positively (when we are faithful) and negatively (when we are not).”
— PIPER AND TAYLOR, SEX AND THE SUPREMACY OF CHRIST*
One of our favorite texts for helping people understand the biblical and spiritual view of sex is Sex and the Supremacy of Christ by Piper and Taylor. The authors have kindly given permission to briefly review two major points from their book here: “God has designed sexuality as a way to know Him fully,” and “Knowing God guards and guides our sexuality.” As you read this, watch for how God has used the language and imagery of sexuality to communicate with us and to help us know Him. Note how our knowledge of God protects and directs how we live out our sexuality.
“God Has Designed Sexuality as a Way to Know Him More Fully”
This idea is found in the first chapter of Piper and Taylor’s book. Please take a moment now to read Ezekiel 16 and then Ezekiel 23. When God is speaking about the nation of Israel and their worship of other idols, He uses words and phrases such as “prostitute,” “lavished your favors,” “degraded your beauty,” “offering your body with increasing promiscuity to anyone who passed by,” “your young breasts were fondled,” “genitals … like those of donkeys,” and “emission, like that of horses.” Why would God use such graphic sexual language? He is describing the spiritual choices Israel has made in idol worship, and He is using sexual language to depict what they had done. Let’s explore this together.
For many couples, the biggest fear they have or the greatest emotional pain they have faced is the idea or experience of their spouse being unfaithful. We have sat with couples who have expressed the devastating pain of sexual betrayal in their marriage, of finding out that their spouse has intimately touched another man or woman in a way only they should be touched. When God talks here about the incredible pain of Israel’s betrayal with idols, He uses the language of sexual betrayal and adultery, and He talks about it by using the physical, sexual body—words such as breasts, genitals, and emission. Why? Because He wants us to understand the level of pain He feels when we choose to worship something other than Him, when we choose to turn our backs on Him and His love for us (“you became mine” Ezekiel 16:8). Because we understand the pain of betrayal in marriage, God uses these pictures and words to describe the pain of betrayal He feels when we commit spiritual adultery, or idolatry, against Him. God uses sexual language to communicate His heart, who He is, and how He feels, so that we can understand and come close to Him. He wants us to know Him deeply.
This is similar to how God communicates to us overall. He uses the creation to tell us who He is (Romans 1:20, Psalms 19:1-3). He shows us who He is through making us in His image (Genesis 1:27), and He ultimately wanted us to know Him so well that He incarnated Himself into the physical body of Jesus to show us His very nature, the essence of who He is (John 1:14, Isaiah 9:6, John 14:9, Colossians 1:15). God uses the physical to express the spiritual. He also uses the physical language of sexuality to tell us about Himself and to communicate to us.
Knowing God
“I know my sheep and my sheep know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father” (John 10:14). God knows us. Jesus knows us. Jesus knows God and God the Father knows Jesus. The word know here is gnosko in the Greek, which means firsthand knowledge through personal experience; to learn, to recognize, to perceive. Gnosko is the word used here to describe the depth to which God and Jesus know each other. This is an intimate understanding of the other at an indescribably deep level. What is interesting is that gnosko is the same word used to describe the sexual interaction between Joseph and Mary. “He (Joseph) did not know (gnosko) her (Mary) until she gave birth to a son” (Matthew 1:25; parenthetical references added). Gnosko not only describes how well Jesus knows us, and how well Jesus and God know each other, but the depth to which Joseph and Mary knew each other.
We see something very similar in the Hebrew language. “No longer will a man teach his neighbor… ‘Know the Lord,’ because they will all know me” (Jeremiah 31:34). The Hebrew word here for know is yada, meaning to know, acknowledge, and understand through all the senses. And guess what? We find it also in Genesis 4:1. “Adam knew (yada) his wife Eve.” So in both the Greek and Hebrew, the word for know describing how God knows us, how we know Jesus the Shepherd, how Jesus knows God, and how God wants us to know Him is also used to describe the sexual relationship between Adam and Eve and between Joseph and Mary. In many translations the word know is no longer used and has been variously translated to say “lay with her,” or “had relations with her.” The latest translation of the NIV says, “made love to.” This is not to say in any weird way that our relationship with God or the relationship between God and Jesus has a sexual expression. That is what the pagan world did with false gods through their temple worship with temple prostitutes. But this does help to convey how God understands the sexual relationship. The depth of intimate knowing between Jesus and God, the depth to which He knows us, the depth to which God wants us to know Him, is the depth of intimacy God intends for us in our marital sexual relationship—a deep emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy. These are the words God uses to describe sex.
This puts the importance of sexuality on a whole different level. John 17:3 says, “This is eternal life, that they know (gnosko) you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ.” The biblical definition of eternal life here is the word know. We will spend eternity in an intimate knowledge and understanding and closeness with God and Jesus. Wow! And we believe that God gives us a taste of that in our sexual relationship. The level of intimate knowing that we can attain when we are ecstatically, intimately, and erotically bonded with our spouse during sexual intimacy, and at orgasm, is only a taste of the depths and levels of the wonderful, intimate connection we will have with God for eternity. God uses the physical to express the spiritual so that we may know Him.
“Knowing God Guides and Guards our Sexuality”
Piper and Taylor do an amazing job of describing this truth in their book. The knowing we wrote about above is the foundation God uses to guard our sexual choices and to guide our sexual lives. When we have that deep, intimate connection with our Father, He directs us in how we should live our lives overall and in the sexual arena. When we do not retain our knowledge for God, this disorders our sexual lives. “God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie...Since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, He gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done” (Romans 1:24-25, 28; emphasis added). The word knowledge here has the same root, gnosko. When we do not retain or nurture our gnosko—our knowledge, our intimate knowing of God—it messes us up sexually.
So let’s review. God communicates to us and teaches us who He is through the language of sexual intimacy. His goal is for us to know Him intimately but also for us to know one another intimately within marriage. That knowledge of who God is, coupled with a life-giving knowledge of each other, can then guard and guide our sexual relationships. As we progress, we will learn that the Bible includes a wealth of other clear directions on how to live out our sexuality as God intends. This includes what we might have on our sexual menu, what sensuality in marriage could look like, how to please one another and be good stewards of each other’s bodies, and the kind of fire and intoxication the Scriptures say can happen in your sexual relationship.
What to Include on Your Sexual Menu: What’s Allowed
As we have learned, sexuality fosters an intimate connection between the husband and wife. Most of the scriptures in the Bible about sex are about what not to do: Don’t do it with a goat, and don’t do it with your father’s wife. In other words, the scriptures in the Bible that do address how we are to live out our sexuality according to God’s plan are only about sex within the marital relationship. This is very important. Biblical sexuality is about intimate connection. It is not just about the sex act itself. The overall purpose of sexuality in marriage found in the Bible, the overarching theme of God’s plan for marital sexuality, is to bring about and nourish the intimate connection in the marital relationship. Any choice of what to engage in sexually should therefore be guided by that overarching principle. Does what we engage in sexually draw us closer together, does it build our intimate connection?
Couples often ask us what we think God allows in the marital bed. Are there prohibitions in the Bible about what a married couple can engage in sexually? Rather than tell couples what they are allowed to do, we give them a set of scriptures to go over together and, by doing that, make a decision together about what to include in their sexual repertoire (see the exercise and the scriptures used below). The questions are often about oral sex, anal sex, using toys or vibrators, or the use of aids such as lubricants, medications such as Viagra, and testosterone. We also get asked about role playing and dressing up, mutual watching of pornography, mutual masturbation and individual masturbation, and engaging in phone/text/ email sex (i.e., phone sex and sexting) with a spouse.
Because one of the common questions we get is whether an individual or couple should engage in individual masturbation, we will use that as an example of how to make choices about what to include sexually. We have gotten this question from single individuals who masturbate but say they do not fantasize during masturbation. We also get this question from married individuals who say that this is how they manage the discrepancy in sexual desire, where one spouse desires sex more than the other; they engage in masturbation rather than continually asking their spouse, who does not have the same level of interest or desire for sex. This also comes up with couples with a spouse who travels a lot or is out on deployment. These are just a few of the scenarios.
So what does the Bible say about masturbation? Absolutely nothing. The practice of masturbation is not addressed in the Scriptures. It is from here that it is important to look at the overarching view of sexuality in the Bible. Does this practice, in whatever fashion we/I engage in it, create connection and intimacy between us as a married couple? What is the fruit of choosing to include this in our sexual repertoire? Consider a husband who has a background in masturbation and pornography, a practice that he believes God does not desire him to engage in. Let’s say he begins to include individual masturbation in his sexual practices, with his wife’s support, when they are not able to have sex together. However, if he is drawn back to engaging in practices he believes are wrong, such as masturbating to pornography, then including masturbation may not be a good spiritual choice for this man. The fruit of this choice may not bring benefit. At times, the use of masturbation, or allowing a spouse to masturbate, can also be a way to avoid genuine giving. In other words, it may come from a place of selfishness. Some say they would rather their spouse masturbate than continually ask them for sex.
A better goal may be to develop a way to include masturbation in the couple’s relationship as a mutual activity while they are in the same room. In our experience, when both spouses are not included in a sexual activity, such as individual masturbation, then the masturbation becomes a missed opportunity for connection.
Consider this scenario for that husband who has a greater sex drive than his wife. When you, the husband, feel the desire/drive for a sexual release, instead of masturbating on your own, include your spouse. Curl up together in bed with your wife. Husband, give your wife some time, even a short time, whatever she would enjoy, of sensual touch or massage. Wife, now hold his scrotum within your hand as he brings himself to orgasm manually. Kiss him, and off you both go to sleep. Or consider this scenario: When you, the wife, desire a second or third orgasm after engaging sexually with your husband, rather than take care of it on your own because you do not want to burden your already tired spouse, have him take you in his arms as you stimulate yourself to a further, perhaps more intense orgasm. Doing this usually brings up a lot of feelings about self-stimulation in front of someone else and the guilt that can come cascading in or that can make someone uncomfortable. However, consider what it may do for your sexual relationship to give yourself and your spouse the permission to bring yourself to sexual release right before their eyes. Vulnerable? Oh yes. Bonding? You might be surprised. Bottom line? Any sexual practice, including masturbation, that does not include your spouse, or that does not promote that deep intimate connection between you, may not be reflecting God’s plan for sexuality in the Bible. You may be missing out on a great opportunity to deepen God-given eroticism between you.
Remember, similar to what we mentioned above, if either of the above scenarios lead to bad fruit, consider whether you want to continue. So use the questions below, talk about them together, and explore. If you decide to try something and feel it is not prohibited by Scripture or does not go against someone’s conscience, yet you find that after trying it, your connection and intimacy are not enhanced, then toss it out. If it does draw you closer together and makes your sexual relationship even more enjoyable, that is wonderful indeed.
Song of Songs
As we mentioned, most of the scriptures about sex are about what NOT to do. Don’t do it with your father’s sister, with an animal, with someone you are not married to, or with anyone other than your husband or wife. This is all very clear from the scriptures. So, when you do have sex, what kind of direction does God give? Well, the Bible is the only world religion scriptural text that devotes an entire book to sensuality and sexuality. The Song of Songs is full of much that is helpful. We will cover some of that in different chapters, but it is important to notice here that God, even in how He handed His Word to us, prioritizes the marital sexual relationship by writing an entire book about it. We need to take note of that. Sensual touch and sensual talk is all over the Song of Songs. Both the Lover and the Beloved describe each other in sensual, poetic terms. They also use poetic language to describe the delights of the sexual relationship. Note the scriptures below:
Lover: “How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights! Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.’” The Lover here speaks of climbing the palm tree (her body) to grasp the fruit (her breasts).
The Lover says: “You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water, streaming down from Lebanon.” And the Beloved responds: “Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” The Lover here describes the flowing streams of her garden and the Beloved calls him to blow on the garden and taste its fruit. This is considered by many to be a clear allusion to their enjoyment of the act of oral sex and the flowing waters of her lubrication and orgasm.
God has intended for us to thoroughly enjoy sexuality and the erotic sexual bond we can have with our spouse. More on Song of Songs in a later chapter.
Pleasing Your Spouse: Stewards of Each Other’s Bodies
“But a married man is concerned with … how he can please his wife … A married woman is concerned about … how she can please her husband.”
— 1 CORINTHIANS 7:33-34
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband … Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
— 1 CORINTHIANS 7:3, 5
“The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.”
— 1 CORINTHIANS 7:4
These scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7 have been some of the most specific, helpful, and misunderstood scriptures of the Bible on sex. So let’s go over a few important points.
God wants us to live our sexual lives focused on the pleasure we can bring to our spouse. That doesn’t mean you don’t have likes and dislikes, preferences and turn-offs, and that you should just shut those down and only think about your spouse. In fact, it is crucial to communicate openly and honestly about what you prefer. We’re going to devote quite a bit of space in these chapters to that exact issue. However, God does call us to consider one another better than ourselves and prioritize the interests of others (Philippians 2:3-4). If both the husband and wife kept that as their focus, many of the difficulties in the sexual relationship would go much more smoothly.
In a similar way in Corinthians, Paul, though he understood that a celibate life was not what many would choose, emphasized how someone could be more productive in God’s work here on earth if they didn’t have to focus on pleasing a spouse (1 Corinthians 7:33-34). In other words, through this passage of scripture, God makes it clear that a husband should be focused on pleasing his wife and a wife focused on pleasing her husband. Thinking of the interests of your spouse above your own and focusing on pleasing them is a vital part of the marital sexual relationship. It is also important to look at who owns your body. Look at the wording. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone. Same wording for the husband. In other words, her body does belong to her. This is a significant point, especially for women. The woman’s body first and foremost belongs to her. Cliff and Joyce Penner, in their book The Gift of Sex, include a chapter on By Invitation Only. They discuss the fact that, when engaging in sex, women are opening up their bodies; they are allowing someone to enter them, and that this should only be done by the woman’s permission. Without that permission, it is a violation. There are various ways to understand this idea. If someone just walked into your home and began going into your rooms, randomly opening up your drawers and going through them, you would definitely put a stop to that and consider that a violation. If a woman has her purse on a table and someone just randomly opens it and starts going through it, we would say, “Hey, what are you doing?” We understand that there are physical boundaries that would be inappropriate to cross without asking. How much more so with the physical body. When making choices about what to allow to happen to her body, it is vital that the choice, first and foremost, is the wife’s to make. In marriage, God created us to be one flesh, to be unified in both body and soul (Genesis 2:24). Within the spiritual family, we are called to be unified (1 Corinthians 1:10). As the unity in the spiritual family would include considering one another as better than yourself (Philippians 2:3) and would not include forcing someone to do something they do not feel good about (1 Corinthians 8 and Romans 14), how much more so in the marriage relationship.
In a further look at this scripture, Paul points out that the wife and husband have the authority over each other’s bodies. What does that mean? It has often been taught that this means a wife should never deny her husband sex. Though this is an important question to explore, the interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7:4 is much more nuanced than that. The wording in the Greek here is quite helpful. The term Paul uses here is exousiazo, which means: to exercise authority over. This is a term describing a delegated or conferred power or authority, which is much like the idea of stewardship, taught about throughout the Bible, especially in the New Testament. When someone is a steward, they are chosen by God, given authority by God, to care for something He has given them. And you are to do this for the benefit of others. We understand this when it comes to money. God gives us money, and we are but stewards of that money while in this life. We are to use that money as God sees fit. This is financial stewardship (Matthew 25:20-21, 23). There is also a common understanding that when you borrow something, you should return it in as good or better condition than when you received it. We know that God calls husbands to imitate Jesus and present their wives as radiant (Ephesians 5:27). These are the concepts reflected in 1 Corinthians 7:4. A wife is given her husband’s body from God. He owns his body but God has also conferred power over that body to the wife, and she is to be a good steward of that handsome body and present his body back to God in as good or better condition than when it was given to her. The husband in the same way is given delegated authority from God over his wife’s body. She is the owner of her body, but he has been commissioned to care for it as for his own body (Ephesians 5:28). God gave him stewardship over that beautiful body and he, the husband, is to return it to God in beautiful shape. When he seeks first to please his wife, he is then able to present her as radiant to God.
1 Corinthians 7 has been misused to demand or command sex. This is in opposition to the scriptures and to the overall use of authority in the Bible. If God has delegated to the wife authority over her husband’s body, how is she supposed to use or wield that authority? If God has delegated to the husband authority over his wife’s body, how is he supposed to use or wield that authority? Jesus taught that the disciples were not to lord it over others the way the Pharisees did (Matthew 20:25-26). Instead, a leader is to be a servant. So when we are given authority over each other’s bodies, we are to use that authority as Jesus taught: as a servant, not making demands or being selfish (for a resource on changing selfish demands see Harley’s “Selfish Demands” chapter in Love Busters). And so a woman’s body is her own, and when she unites with her husband in marriage, she is deciding, just as the man is, that while her body remains her own, God is also giving her husband a delegated authority over her body. And he is called by God to use that authority well by first and foremost pleasing his wife.
For many couples, when they examine these scriptures, it puts the command not to deprive one another into a different perspective. If a husband or wife ends up using this scripture to say, “You are depriving me,” they may be using the scriptures as a club or a weapon, much like a Pharisee would. If a wife or husband continues to “deprive” their spouse of sex out of selfishness, they are not being a good steward of their spouse’s body. If both the husband and wife were focused on pleasing one another, holy sex can be the outcome, where the focus is mutual pleasure through giving and fun exploration that results in a “delightful convergence of duty and desire.”1
Intoxication, Fire, and Duty
“May you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”
— PROVERBS 5:18-19
So what else does the Bible say about sex? The above scripture says it so eloquently. We are to rejoice in our spouse and be intoxicated by our love for one another. We are to feel this intoxicated satisfaction about each other sexually. The word satisfy in the Hebrew here is ravah, which means to drink one’s fill, to be saturated. The word intoxicated in the Hebrew here is shagah, which means to reel, as in reeling when drunk. It also means ravished, enraptured, captivated; to stray, reel, or swerve while intoxicated. That is how God portrays the effect the wife, and her love, and her breasts, have on the husband. That he drinks so thoroughly of her that he is completely intoxicated and cannot walk straight.
This is such a clear statement of God’s intention for sexuality in the Bible. The passage right before this details how a man of God should drink only from his own cistern and not share his strength and wealth, the springs of water from his well, clearly his sexuality, with anyone else other than the wife of his youth. And then when they do share it, it should make him reel. This may be a passage directly written to the husband, perhaps because sexual temptation is such a challenge for men. However, it is a great illustration of the incredible emotional, physical, and ecstatic way that God describes the marital sexual relationship. In 1 Corinthians 7:9, Paul admonishes the unmarried to get married because they were burning with passion for another (puroo in the Greek, meaning set on fire). Sex sets us on fire, so God says the place for it is in the marital bed. In other words, our sexual life should set us on fire. It should make us reel like a drunkard. It should saturate us and captivate us. This should be true for BOTH the husband and wife.
Many commentaries on 1 Corinthians 7 talk about the duties of the marital sexual relationship. Duty has become such an awful word to describe the wonder of marital sex. The dictionary says duty is an obligation. The Greek word used in this scripture, however, is opheile meaning debt or indebtedness. This term is unique to the New Testament and only used two other times in the Bible. One is in Romans 13. There, Paul says give everyone what you owe him. If you owe him taxes, pay it. If you owe him honor, show honor. If you owe them respect, give them respect. Why would you pay that debt and show them respect and honor? Because they have earned it and are worthy of it. Taxes might be a bit of a stretch, but when you show someone genuine honor and respect, it is because they have done something that has earned that respect and honor, and you believe they are worthy of it. When you pay your debt to your spouse, when you do your “duty” and give to them sexually, you are not just “doing your duty.” You are showing them that you consider them worthy and choose to show this by giving your love. When we say we feel indebted to someone, we feel grateful for something they have been or something they have done. So when a spouse fulfills their marital duty, this is an expression of indebtedness, an expression that I am grateful to you and you are worth it. I am doing this for you because you are that important, of that high worth to me. Yes, it is a duty. But it is not a compulsory obligation. It is not a dreaded must.
When our giving is out of duty, out of compulsion, that is not God’s desire. “Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:7). Yes, this passage in 2 Corinthians 9 is about giving money, but it lays out clearly the heart God desires from us when we give. How much more should this be true in the marital sexual relationship. God does not want us to fulfill our sexual duty in the sense that many of us think of that word today. He desires for us to enjoy, to be intoxicated by, to be set on fire by each other’s love and our sexual relationship. He wants us to perform that duty, to fulfill that debt, because we are grateful and they are worth it, and therefore we want to make them feel radiant, saturate them with our love, make them reel, and set them on fire.
The Enjoyment of Her Body
One of the big cultural stereotypes is of men who ogle women. Unfortunately, it is a stereotype that has quite a bit of foundation behind it. It is commonly seen and portrayed, from what happens on the street to what it shown in movies and TV. And it is not in God’s plan. Jesus clearly taught that looking at a woman in lust was the same as adultery (Matthew 5:28). However, put into biblical perspective, the male enjoyment of the female body can be both godly and enriching. Unfortunately, because of sin and sinful behaviors, it can be challenging to appreciate the rightness of a husband loving the view of his wife’s body. We have often heard wives express that it really bothers them how their husband likes to touch them sensually and sexually (“All he touches is my butt and my boobs.”). It may really bother them how easily their husbands become aroused when they see their wife naked or when they get into bed with their naked or lightly clothed wife. It has caused some women to stop dressing in front of their husbands. For others, they wear their pajamas like protective armor.
There can be many different things influencing the challenge women have with their husband’s fascination with their wife’s body. It may be that the only time the husband touches his wife is when he is sexually interested. It may be that the wife has a lower body image. The husband may have made derogatory comments about her body or about her weight. The wife may have a background of being objectified by men or may have seen poor examples of men who objectified women. If any of these things were true, it would be important to get help with them and to talk openly about them.
It is important to put the male interest in the female body into biblical perspective, for when it is right, it is very right. After God created Eve, “God saw all he had made, and it was very good” (Genesis 1:31). Not just good. Very Good. We see the Lover, in Song of Songs, speak about how he wants to hear his Beloved’s voice and how he wants to see her form, her shape, her countenance, her appearance (according to different translations). Proverbs 5:19, as mentioned earlier, tells how captivating, intoxicating, and satisfying the wife’s love and breasts are to her husband. God has created in men a love for the view of the female body and form. He even puts it in His holy Word. It is good and right for a husband to be drawn to looking at and touching his wife’s body, both naked and clothed. Sam Laing, author of Five Senses of Romantic Love, says it so well:
“His [the Lover’s] poetic, rhapsodic language expresses his fascination and arousal and gives honor to the entirety of her divinely given beauty without a hint of demeaning vulgarity … The husband asks … his beloved to let him see her ‘form’ … Most men will readily identify with this statement, and with this sentiment. They long to see their wife unclothed. Wives, have you noticed that your husband will stop whatever he is doing to get a glimpse of your body? If you are having an argument and in the middle of it you happen to change your clothes, he will completely lose his train of thought. He will wander into the bathroom while you are bathing just to get a look at you. Rather than resenting this as juvenile and boorish, come to appreciate that the sight of your unclothed form is one of the greatest pleasures and joys your husband has in his life.”2
For women, it is important to make the distinction between the objectification in the world of the female body and the genuine, godly appreciation of her body as seen in the Scriptures. A husband’s enjoyment of his wife’s body is from God. However, husbands, if the only time you touch her is to squeeze her breasts and butt, this will not feel like godly enjoyment. I, Jennifer, had a female client explain to me that when she was dressing, she would have loved it if her husband had come up to her from behind while she was naked, wrapped his arms around her, and told her what a good mom she was. Not that she was beautiful. Not that he loved her body. But that as he wrapped his arms around the body he so loved to see and touch, he told her how much he loved and appreciated the woman she was and what she gave to their family. This is such a delicate balance. Women love to feel admired by the men God has given to love them. They do love to feel beautiful. But if that beauty is not admired in the context of the whole beauty of the woman, it can lead to an unintended confirmation of that message she’s been hearing from Satan and the world: that she is just another body; that she is only wanted for sex; that she, the woman, is not known and valued.
So husbands, imitate the Lover. Look at what he says about his Beloved. When he describes the body of his beloved, he talks about her eyes, hair, teeth, lips, mouth, temple, navel, waist, neck, and breasts (Song of Songs 4:1-15, 7:1-9). He even tells her that her breath smells good, that her legs are graceful, that her voice is sweet, that her feet are beautifully sandaled (yes, compliment her shoes), and that her face is lovely. If what she hears is a primary focus on her breasts and her butt, you have not followed this incredible example found in God’s Word. You may be obeying God’s Word in reading it daily, in reaching out to the lost, in being a loving, giving father, and a good provider. But if you wish to touch the heart and soul of your wife, your words to her must be full of Proverbs 31 (how faithful and hardworking she is, what a great hostess she is, what a great mother and wife) AND Song of Songs (her physical beauty in its entirety).
He Is Altogether Lovely!
In an amazingly similar way, in the book Song of Songs, the Beloved describes her Lover in intimate, bold, and admiring language (Song of Songs 1:16, 2:3-4, 5:10-16). She talks about his head, hair, eyes, cheeks, lips, arms, and legs. She calls him handsome, radiant, ruddy, and outstanding. She compliments his arms of gold and his body of polished ivory. She talks about the kisses of his mouth. She delights to be with him and talks in detail about his affection and care for her. She shares a very revealing phrase at the end of the book. “I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment” (8:10). How does he come to view her in that way?
Hopefully, through reading this book, you will have the opportunity to work as a couple on your verbal and relational intimacy. We believe that will lead you to have victories in working through conflict. It is important as well that you get help with any long-term injuries, which we cover in chapter eleven. There may be some rather difficult things that have happened between you that make imitating the way the Beloved talks about her Lover seem impossible. It is incredibly important, however, that as you are in the midst of working at improving and repairing your intimate relationship, you examine the heart of God and His heart for you and have the same heart for your husband.
God is rich in mercy. While we were still His enemies, while we were still in sin, He looked at us with longing and affection (Romans 5:8; Isaiah 30:18). One of the greatest needs of the human condition is to feel loved and accepted. God does both of those things. For those of you who have children, we strive to do those things for our children, to love them and accept them even though they do things that are not OK, choose paths we do not support, or that are sinful. It is sometimes much harder to show that same kind of mercy, compassion, patience, and vision for someone who is not our child, but who is an adult who should know better. And yet God does call us to make sure our husbands are “respected at the city gates” (Proverbs 31:23) and that we, as wives, are the ones who bring contentment. The longer you are married, the more you see your spouse’s faults and the weaknesses in their character. It is an opportunity for either mercy or for resentment. If we decide to imitate the heart of God, what we will offer is a love and admiration for an imperfect sinner.
As wives, we are called to imitate the example of the Beloved. She is so eloquent in her admiration of her lover. Your husband needs you to admire his beauty for “he is altogether lovely” (Song of Songs 5:16). Tell him what you like about how he looks. At the same time, he needs to know that you admire and appreciate what he does for you. It is not uncommon for husbands to share about how angry and frustrated they feel because they do not sense that their wife appreciates them. There may be a lot behind that. He may work longer hours than you feel good about. Or the opposite. He may not be the kind of hard worker you feel he should be. You may have had many arguments about how he uses his time. You may strongly disagree about what to prioritize. It is important, however, to keep our eyes on the cross. Our sins put Jesus on the cross, and God calls us to have the same kind of compassion toward others that He shows to us (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). Your acute awareness of his weaknesses can blind you from focusing on and telling him about his strengths. Wives need to view their husbands’ weaknesses with honesty, wisdom, humility, compassion, and vision. When you reach that point, you will be able to genuinely speak of your husband with the heart of the Beloved, telling him his strengths from a place of honesty.
In Song of Songs, God shows how the Lover needs to be appreciated for his arms that are rods of gold (his strength, Song of Songs 5:14), his arms that embrace you (his love of touching you and holding you, Song of Songs 2:6), and his legs that are pillars of marble (again, his strength, beauty, and power, Song of Songs 5:15). Tell him about the beauty of his body, tell him what you admire about his lovemaking, and tell him what you appreciate about what he does for you. Tell him. Tell him.
The level of intimacy and closeness in marriage is hugely influenced by the quantity and quality of words, like those that the Beloved and the Lover share with each other. So check how much you admire your spouse. Check how much you tell them about their beauty and their strengths. See what happens to your overall intimacy when you decide to imitate the Lover and Beloved’s vivid, sensual, enriching, life-giving language. As you do this, you will learn to enjoy, in a greater way, the unique blessing of marriage as God designed it, in all its fullness.
EXERCISES
Sexual Choices Exercise: What’s Allowed
Use the following questions with the accompanying scriptures to explore together what you want to include on your sexual menu.
What’s Allowed: Eight Questions to Guide Your Sexual Choices in Marriage
1) Is it prohibited by Scripture (i.e., lust, sexual immorality: Matthew 5:28, Galatians 5)?
[Your response here]
2) Is it beneficial and constructive (1 Corinthians 10:23-24)? Does it build up? Does it benefit your relationship, and are you seeking your spouse’s good?
[Your response here]
3) Does it involve anyone else (including fantasizing – Hebrews 13:4, Matthew 5:28)?
[Your response here]
4) What is the fruit (Matthew 7:16-20)? When you put it into practice, does it create intimate connection between you? Does it lead to anything detrimental?
[Your response here]
5) Is it too contaminated by pollution of the world (James 1:27) or has Satan contaminated it but now it needs to be reclaimed (2 Peter 1:3-4)?
[Your response here]
6) Is it pleasing to your spouse (1 Corinthians 7:33-34)?
[Your response here]
7) Does it violate your or your spouse’s conscience (Romans 14:5, 1 Corinthians 8:7-13)?
[Your response here]
8) If you choose not to engage in this, is it truly about restraining or controlling sensual/sexual corruption in a God-given manner, or is it based on human teachings and self-imposed, false restrictions of the body (Colossians 2:21-23)?
[Your response here]