We share with couples that it is often easier just to have sex than it is to talk about sex. There is little that is more vulnerable than opening up and sharing what we think about, feel about, believe about, and have experienced about sex. A client once asked if it had always been easy for me (Jennifer) to talk so specifically and openly about sexual topics. This came after a thorough explanation of the physiology of sexual arousal and orgasm, where I used lots of terms (clitoris, penis, orgasm, anus, labia/ lips, vagina, head, etc.), drew pictures, shared slides, and detailed the barriers and feelings that get in the way of experiencing fulfilling sexual intimacy. I laughed when my client asked this and shared that it is much easier for me to explain this kind of information with clients, or to get in front people and talk about the vivid details of sexuality, than it is for me to talk openly with my husband about our sexual life. Mind you, we do that. We talk openly and specifically, but truly, most of the time I just want to die when we have those conversations. It is like dragging and forcing the words out of my mouth, it is so deeply uncomfortable. For most of us, talking openly about sex with our spouse has its challenges.
Reciprocal sexual self-disclosure, when both partners talk openly about how they feel about their sex life, is especially important the longer a couple is together.1 When partners tell their spouses what they prefer, it can help them have more understanding and allow them to choose what to do sexually that will please their partner, which in turn can lead to deeper intimacy. However, some people feel a bit of embarrassment about expressing things they like. This can be especially hard for women. Openly sharing how you feel about sex and what you do not like is also very risky. What if you receive a negative response when you tell your spouse something you don’t like sexually? What if you tell your spouse what you would like and they still do not do anything to fulfill that? What if you tell them what you do not like and they keep doing it? What if they get angry about your requests or throw it back at you? Any of these negative responses can make talking about sex even harder. In fact, just the fear of these responses can keep the words from even coming out.
For many couples, it is important to be intentional in talking about their sex life. The research study Jennifer did was focused on how couples communicate about sex, probing those vulnerable places within and sharing them with your spouse. Building off of these findings, a goal of her model of sex therapy is to create greater relational, physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy. This is done by helping couples grow in their empathy for one another, helping them have genuine communication about their relationship and about sex, and increasing intimacy skills verbally, physically, sensually, and sexually. A primary focus of this kind of work is to help a couple learn how to take the risk of talking openly, honestly, specifically, and vulnerably about their relationship and about their sexual likes, dislikes, fears, hopes, turn-ons, turn-offs, feelings, needs, etc. What would it look like to talk openly about sex?
When to Talk About Sex: Pillow Talk Before, During, and After
When should you talk about sex? Any time. Often, the more you talk about sex, the more comfortable you will be in talking about sex. Sounds simple. However, it is important to gauge your spouse’s level of discomfort in discussing sexual topics and to consider the atmosphere in which you have those conversations. If making sexual comments or sharing sexual innuendos about your spouse or your sex life in front of others makes your spouse uncomfortable, consider a more thoughtful way to make sexual communication more playful and normal without humiliating or embarrassing them. People sometimes make sexual jokes or unsuitable sexual comments because they are uncomfortable or because they have become used to speaking about sex in inappropriate ways. However, talking about sex in these ways can actually make intimate conversation more difficult. Also, it is not usually helpful to your intimate relationship if you talk about your sexual relationship when you are angry. If you have some resentful, angry, or hurt feelings about how sex is going, do your best to make sure you are not emotionally reactive when you do take the time to talk about it.
When discussing preferences or desires for your sexual relationship, take some special time to sit down and discuss it. Do not wait to do this until you are in the middle of sexual time together. Of course, it is helpful to learn how to talk openly about preferences, likes, and dislikes while you are engaging sexually, and these chapters contain a lot of direction and exercises on how to do that. However, it is also helpful to take the time to talk about what you prefer both before and after you have sex, rather than just in the middle of things. So, get a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, read one of these chapters, and then sit down and talk about it together. Pray about your sexual relationship. If things are challenging, you may want to pray before you have sex. God wants us to pray about everything (Philippians 4:6), and this includes our intimacy.
How about post-sex talk? Try engaging in pillow talk after you make love as well. As you hold each other or lie next to each other, share something you appreciated about what your spouse just gave to you. Tell them what you appreciate about them as a good lover … You have wonderful fingers or I love how willing you are to try things. Tell them how they brought you pleasure … That felt wonderful or I love when you kiss me there. Compliment your spouse on their lovemaking skills … You are very good at that.
You can also talk about your time together the next day. Get that cup of coffee or a glass of wine, sit somewhere comfortable and intimate, and talk about how it went last night. You can bring it up as you are sitting on the porch, driving in the car, or getting ready for bed. Let your spouse know what you enjoyed and would like to do more or something you would like differently. Share what makes you feel wanted and loved and what helps you be sexually responsive. This kind of post-sex talk fosters ongoing refreshment in your sexual relationship.
The goal of deepening your communication about your sexual relationship is to increase sexual pleasure, improve sexual functioning, build relational and sexual intimacy, and learn to enjoy sex as God intended. There is a reason that the greatest concentration of nerve endings is in the sensitive erogenous zones of the genitalia. God intends for us to enjoy our sexuality. The first step we will take you through to get there is learning how to talk about it.
EXERCISES
Before beginning these exercises, and any of those in the rest of the chapters, consider the status of your relationship and whether you may need to first make sure you do the exercises in the chapters dedicated to conflict resolution, relationship intimacy, and touch and affection.
Depending on whether you are ready to speak about sexual matters, you may decide to start on the exercises below (exercises 1 and 2 in this chapter) but then wait to do the sexual language communication exercises (exercises 3, 4, and 5 in this chapter) when the work you have done in your relationship is further along.
So let’s get started. As a couple, play the simple games described below to begin increasing your verbal intimacy and to get comfortable with using these basic sexual terms.
Intimate Communication Exercise 1: Prompt and Reflection
* Note: Prompt and Reflection Exercises are found throughout the book.
Follow the directions below for each time you engage in these exercises.
This is a relatively simple communication exercise. In this exercise, each of the sentence prompts is about how you are feeling about your intimacy and the process of working on improving your intimacy. They are not necessarily about the sexual part of your relationship. Before you begin, sit in two chairs that can face each other. Husbands, sit with your knees spread. Wives, tuck your chair in so that your knees are touching your husband’s chair. Get comfortable and then take each other’s hands. When you share your sentence, look directly into your spouse’s eyes.
Decide who will start first. Whoever goes first begins with the first prompt and finishes the sentence. The spouse then simply reflects the sentence (just mirror it back, not adding any interpretation or rewording Then the spouse who is second also begins with the first prompt and the spouse who went first reflects. Do this for each prompt. For some of these prompts, you may be sharing something from the history of your relationship. Begin.
1) “One thing I worry about is ….”
2) “One thing I fear is ….”
3) “Something I feel insecure about is ….”
4) “I feel guilty about ….”
5) “One thing I hope for is ….”
6) “Something that is difficult for me is ….”
After doing all of the above prompts, ask each other:
7) “Is there anything I’ve said that you want to ask me about or have me explain?”
Intimate Communication Exercise 2: Partner Interview about the Sexual Background
Read the directions below.
1) While facing each other, decide who is going to ask questions first.
2) For the spouse who goes first, ask each question and listen attentively. Gently reflect what you hear your spouse saying without adding much commentary. A reflection will sound something like “So your mom didn’t talk to you about how babies were made? OK.”
3) Simply listen and reflect and then ask the next question.
4) After all questions have been asked and answered, switch who is asking and who is answering.
5) After reading the directions above, sit facing each other and begin:
a) How did you learn about sex growing up?
b) Did your family discuss sex at all?
c) Did you experience anything negative sexually when you were a child or teenager?
d) What kind of experiences have you had that made you feel shame about sex?
e) Is there anything you have wanted to bring up about sex but haven’t felt comfortable bringing up?
f) Do you feel like we have friendships now where we can openly discuss sexual things?
6) After both of you answer each question, talk about what it was like to have this conversation.
Intimate Communication Exercise 3: Sexual Language
* The purpose of this exercise is to loosen up any discomfort and awkwardness you might feel about using sexual terms and discussing sexual topics. Have some fun with this one!
Make a printout of the terms at the bottom of this chapter. Gather some simple objects from around your home, such as a pencil, a rubber band, a paper clip, a marker, ChapStick, a small cup, a stapler, a small bottle of lotion, etc. Place the printout and the various objects in front of both of you. Follow these directions:
1) Choose who goes first.
2) Take an object and say to your spouse, “This is a pencil,” and add one term from the printout. Your sentence would then be something like, “This is a pencil. Labia,” or “This is a rubber band. Testicles.”
3) Now your spouse does the same communication, such as, “This is a cup. Orgasm.”
4) Do this back and forth for several minutes or until each of you has used most of the terms
5) Laugh!!
6) Talk about it afterwards: How uncomfortable, weird, or silly was this exercise?
7) Twister Version: Pull out or purchase the game Twister. Take the printout of terms and tape them to the wall. Play Twister, and each time you place your hand or foot, say one of the terms on the sheet. “Right Foot Red. Penis,” “Left Hand Green. Vagina.” Enjoy!
Terms: Vagina, Semen, Vulva, Shaft, Breast, Labia, Scrotum, Sex, Penis, Orgasm, Oral Sex, Clitoris, Testicles, Nipple, Pubic Hair, Head